Monday, October 31, 2005

journal entry twenty-three...

i'm sitting in a half lit room in my halloween pajamas waiting for some little kids to knock on the door even though they never have before. i live in a new apartment though so maybe they'll find this side of the building more appealing?

the strange thing is that i don't even like halloween and kids kind of weird me out so if any do come to my door i'll probably be overly excited and act like a freak and scare them. i really am turning into that scary cat lady i always feared i might.

yay me.

sleep to dream - lyrics by fiona apple

i tell you how i feel but you don't care
i say tell me the truth but you don't dare
you say love is a hell you cannot bear
and i say give me mine back and go there
for all i care

i got my feet on the ground and i don't go to sleep to dream
you got your head in the clouds and you're not at all what you seem
this mind this body and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways
so don't forget what i told you don't come around i got my own hell to raise

i have never been so insulted in all my life
i could swallow the seas to wash down all this pride
first you run like a fool just to be at my side
and now you run like a fool but you just run to hide
i can't abide

i got my feet on the ground...

don't make it a big deal don't be so sensitive
we're not playing a game anymore you don't have to be defensive

don't you plead me your case don't bother to explain
don't even show me your face cuz it's a crying shame
just go back to the rock from under which you came
take the sorrows you gave and all the stakes you claim
and don't forget to blame

i got my feet on the ground...

i got my feet on the ground...

roll me over - lyrics by peter stuart

she's going to hell in a hand-me-down dress
she doesn't hate her life,
she couldn't care less
she wakes up every morning
a little depressed
and goes back to bed
says she had enough of
being lonely

she says

roll me over
don't wake me up 'til this dream is done
roll me over
and don't wake me up 'til my
better days have begun

i'm going to heaven i guess
but i'm a little bit bored
i've had a good life, but there must be more
i get so tired of trying to do everything right
i'm thinking maybe tonight
i'll find someone who sees the
light behind my eye

and says

roll me over
don't wake me up 'til this dream is done
roll me over
and don't wake me up 'til my
better days have begun

we met on a warm november day
i was too dumbstruck to
have anything smart to say
i said "where've you been all my life"
she said "i've been right here,
looking for you
waiting for you, dreaming of you"

roll me over
don't wake me up 'til this dream is done
roll me over
and don't wake me up cause my
better days have begun

randomness sixteen...

there were a lot more people out on the street this morning as i walked to work.

usually i see one or two and of course all the kids lined up outside of the catholic school but today it was quite hustley bustley and one of the shop owners in chinatown was playing "on the radio" by donna summer pretty loud and was kind of rockin' it down there already and it wasn't even eight o'clock.

i wonder if it's because of the time change. i must admit i was a bit perkier than usual myself and it's probably because the sun was already pretty high in the sky when i left the house.

i kind of wish they'd just leave it alone though. just let it be dark when it gets dark and light when it gets light without us having to turn our clocks forward and back all the time. the sun and moon still know when it's seven even when we try to pretend like it's six.

journal entry twenty-two...

it's been eleven days since i last spoke to him. and it's getting surprisingly easier to just continue not doing what i'm not doing. the more time that passes between us the less there really is to say anyway.

and i don't even feel sad about it anymore. now i'm mostly numb or anxious. i feel fine except when i consider that we might run into one another somewhere and how i would react. i don't want to look sad or flustered. i want to have my face register a flicker of recognition and then immediately go stony as if i don't want to recognize him and then i would just look away as if the moment had never passed between us.

i wasn't kidding. i can go on like this forever.

randomness fifteen...

i watched "magnolia" again yesterday. the character that tom cruise played always seemed like such a stretch for him, like he was really showing his range and that he wasn't just maverick or jerry maguire or whatever other shit he's been. i really thought he did a good job in the role.

but when i watched it again yesterday and put the character into context with the way he's been such a weirdo since april and the katie holmes meltdown i thought hmm. not really much of a stretch after all. he was just setting us all up for when he really cut loose and let his freak flag fly.

wave it high and proud tommy boy. ya weirdo.

bloody mother fucking asshole - lyrics by martha wainwright

poetry is no place for a heart that's a whore
and i'm young & i'm strong
but i feel old & tired

and i've been poked & stoked
it's all smoke, there's no more fire
only desire
for you, whoever you are
for you, whoever you are

you say my time here has been some sort of joke
that i've been messing around
some sort of incubating period
for when i really come around
but i'm cracking up
and you have no idea

no idea how it feels to be on your own
in your own home
with the fucking phone
and the mother of gloom
in your bedroom
standing over your head
with her hand in your head
with her hand in your head

i will not pretend
i will not put on a smile
i will not say i'm all right for you
when all i wanted was to be good
to do everything in truth
to do everything in truth

oh i wish i wish i wish i was born a man
so i could learn how to stand up for myself
like those guys with guitars
i've been watching in bars
who've been stamping their feet to a different beat
to a different beat
to a different beat

i will not pretend
i will not put on a smile
i will not say i'm all right for you
when all i wanted was to be good
to do everything in truth
to do everything in truth

you bloody mother fucking asshole
oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
oh you bloody...

i will not pretend
i will not put on a smile
i will not say i'm all right for you
for you, whoever you are
for you, whoever you are
for you, whoever you are

taillights fade - lyrics by buffalo tom

sister can you hear me now
the ringing in your ears
i'm down on the ground
my luck's been dry for years

i'm lost in the dark
and i feel like a dinosaur
broken face and broken hands
i'm a broken man

i've hit the wall
i'm about to fall
but i'm closing in on it
i feel so weak
on a losing streak
watch my taillights fade to black

i read a thing about this girl
she was a hermit in her world
her story was much like mine
she could be my valentine

and although we've never met
i won't forget her yet
she cut herself off from her past
now she's alone at last

i feel so sick
lost love's last licks
but i'm closing down on it
i feel so weak
on a losing streak
watch my taillights fade to black

lost my life in cheap wine
now it's quiet time
cappy dick nor jesus christ
could not help my fate

but i'm underneath a gun
i'm singing about my past
had myself a wonderful thing
but i could not make it last

i've hit the wall
i'm about to fall
but i'm closing in on it
i feel so small
underneath it all
watch my taillights fade to black my taillights fade

randomness fourteen...

i think babycat is starting to love me more than she used to. maybe it's because i've been home more and have been spending more time with her and giving her lots of loving attention that used to be reserved for other people?

this weekend we sat together a lot and watched movies. she was always curled up at my feet or purring sweetly in my lap. and this morning when i opened the shower curtain, there she was sitting on the bathmat waiting for me to get out and meowing up a storm. i wonder what she was saying.

also, she's been waking me up in the middle of the night lately. i'll be sound asleep and then gently woken up by her trying to snuggle up next to me on my pillow. and she's so soft and sweet so i'll pet her for a few minutes then turn over and go back to sleep.

i hope all this attention is just because she really loves me and not some weird animal thing where they become more affectionate when they're getting ready to croak. she seems really healthy and happy. and lord knows i'll fall apart if she croaks. a girl can only take so much tragedy and loss at one time. please lets give her at least three to five more good years.

journal entry twenty-one...

i've been having trouble remembering my dreams lately. it's like i just fling myself into sleep and don't actually pay attention to what's going on. i think that when i wake up and it's not from a nightmare that i'm just so relieved i don't bother with all the details. this morning i tried to remember as much as i could although out of context none of it really makes any sense. they all sort of jumble together but anyway, here are the parts i thought were important:

1) dad was in one. i can't remember much of what he was doing except that he was helping me gather money from everyone to pay for parking and a gift for KP's birthday. we kept finding piles of money in bushes and just flying around in the yard.

2) i baked another chocolate cake for her birthday but at some point it turned out that i ruined it by sitting on it. there was no big fuss over the ruination, i only noticed because there was chocolate cake all over my shorts at one point.

3) i wasn't sure what to buy for KP and i kept trying to decide on a dollar amount and place to purchase a gift certificate from. i wanted her to feel really happy and loved so i was going to charge it and then i kind of panicked because i didn't want to add to my credit card debt.

4) it switched suddenly and it was someone elses birthday who i didn't know very well. he was an artist though so i was going to buy him a gift certificate from the local art store but i ran into CR there and he was buying him some paint so i thought i'd do that too but all the paints i could find had already been used a little bit. i was looking for primary colors so that he could mix them together to make other colors so it would seem like he had more paint for the money.

5) the art store turned into a convenience store and someone gave me the sweetest little kitten who looked just like babycat used to and i was so happy. she was so sweet and soft and she clung to me and purred and purred.

that's all i remember. seven hours of sleep and that's all i can come up with. here are a few bits of interpretation from the dream book:

gifts: giving a present usually symbolizes a need to express love or consideration for another person

store/shop: the image of a store may be viewed as presenting the range of life's prospects and rewards. how much we are buying in the dream may indicate our ability to take advantage of these prospects. discovering that the store has sold out of items we were looking for may express our frustration at not getting what we want out of life.

money: for jung, money appears as a symbol of power, and represents an ability to achieve an objective.

cat: the cat owes much of its dream-image to a reputation for being both gentle and sly. however, cats are also independent-minded and may be gentle only when it serves their purpose. like the dog, the cat frequents the underworld of our unconscious, not as a faithful guide for lost souls but as an accomplice of witches hell-bent on letting unconscious urges get the better of our aspirations.

so. i guess my dreams are reflecting that i'm feeling a bit disappointed with my current situation and i'm looking forward to the time when i can throw all caution to the wind and behave like a heathen? hmm. i was kind of hoping it would be more like a fortune, like "the gist of this whole thing is that you're moving in the right direction and everything is going to work out for you just the way you hope!" nothing's ever that easy though, is it?

better things - lyrics by dar williams

here's wishing you the bluest sky
and hoping something better comes tomorrow
hoping all the verses rhyme,
and the very best of choruses to
follow all the doubt and sadness
i know that better things are on their way.

here's hoping that the days ahead
won't be as bitter as the ones behind you
be an optimist instead,
and somehow happiness will find you.
forget what happened yesterday,
i know that better things are on their way.

it's really good to see you rocking out
and having fun,
living like you've just begun.
accept your life and what it brings,
i hope tomorrow you find better things.
i know tomorrow you'll find better things.

here's wishing you the bluest sky
and hoping something better comes tomorrow
hoping all the verses rhyme,
and the very best of choruses to
follow all the drudge and sadness
i know that better things are on the way.

i know you've got a lot of good things happening up ahead.
the past is gone, it's all been said.
so here's to what the future brings,
i know tomorrow you'll find better things.
i know tomorrow you'll find better things.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

randomness thirteen...

i wish andy rooney would trim his eyebrows. i mean, how can he even see through those things. and they're creepy.

journal entry twenty...

i seriously think i have OCD. i'm having a hard time focusing, concentrating on anything. i've read a book, done my laundry, watched a movie, vacuumed, done this dishes, made lunch, done the dishes again, started another book, and now i'm writing this.

i feel all antsy and restless, but also bored and lethargic.

someone is using a leaf blower outside and it's making my room smell like gasoline and exhaust. i'm starting to feel carsick in the comfort of my own home. how nice.

"how stella got her groove back" is on tv. when she wrote that she had one thing in mind but in the end it turned out totally different. i wonder if taye diggs would've taken the part if he'd known he was actually playing a gay man. weird how life is sometimes. lots of times.

i was thinking earlier what i would say if J called and said that he broke up with A because he couldn't take the guilt of knowing how much he'd hurt me and that he didn't want to lose me forever. i decided that i would say "well, that's too bad because now you have neither of us. just because you gave her up for me doesn't mean i'll take you back. the trust i once had is gone. maybe it's not too late with her though. if you give a call right away, maybe she'll take you back. because i'm certainly not." and then i'd turn and walk away all dignified like.

i frequently make up these grand scenes that never play out. when i think them i have one thing in mind but it the end they usually turn out totally different.

i do not love you except because i love you - a poem by pablo neruda

i do not love you except because i love you;
i go from loving to not loving you,
from waiting to not waiting for you
my heart moves from cold to fire.

i love you only because it's you the one i love;
i hate you deeply, and hating you
bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
is that i do not see you but love you blindly.

maybe january light will consume
my heart with its cruel
ray, stealing my key to true calm.

in this part of the story i am the one who
dies, the only one, and i will die of love because i love you,
because i love you, love, in fire and blood.

in other's words three...

what is lost because it is most precious,
what is most precious because it is lost?
- amiri baraka

"open," i say. how can we be whole together if you are not empty in the space i am to fill? - robert olen butler

he looks like he's seen everything in the world and everything in the world looks the same. - unknown (half moon rising)

a certain light was beginning to dawn dimly within her, the light which, showing the way, forbids it. - kate chopin

try to understand her. be patient. none of the things she dreamt about ever came true. - from my life without me

a poem by audre lorde

when we are loved we are afraid the love will vanish
when we are alone we are afraid the love will never return
and when we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard,
not welcome
but when we are silent we are still afraid.

some lines from suicide blond - by darcy steinke

what is love but nostalgia for someone's history?

and her sense of rigid honesty that has crippled her in this dishonest world.

no matter how vulnerable people are, how fragile the delusional structure of their lives, they go on living.

you who never arrived - a poem by rainer maria rilke

you who never arrived
in my arms, beloved, who were lost
from the start,
i don't even know what songs
would please you. i have given up trying
to recognize you in the surging wave of the next
moment. all the immense
images in me-- the far-off, deeply-felt landscape,
cities, towers, and bridges, and unsuspected
turns in the path,
and those powerful lands that were once
pulsing with the life of the gods-
all rise within me to mean
you, who forever elude me.

you, beloved, who are all
the gardens i have ever gazed at,
longing. an open window
in a country house--, and you almost
stepped out, pensive, to meet me.
streets that i chanced upon,--
you had just walked down them and vanished.
and sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors
were still dizzy with your presence and, startled,
gave back my too-sudden image. who knows?
perhaps the same bird echoed through both of us
yesterday, separate, in the evening...

she thought starvation was somehow holy - a poem by anne elliot

she thought starvation was somehow holy by slowly
dying she could make desire disappear
grief collected like butts in her ashtray never thrown away
just piling up building a quiet stench of sad
nutrition is milk in a constant coffee cup and sugar
in paper packets granulated gritty like words
and laughs spoken from a mouth that never opens.

she thought starvation was somehow holy by slowly
dying she could make desire disappear
she could erase his stain from its spot on her bed
she could erase the spot that returned and stayed wet in his absence
she could erase the spot that ignored soap and responded
only to the scrub of ribs against cotton

she thought starvation was somehow holy by slowly
dying she could make desire disappear
his spirit had stored itself like some mad drug
in cells of fat and muscle
now there was time to burn, now there was time to burn
now there was time to burn those cells one by one
so flashbacks would not surprise her sometime next year

she thought starvation was somehow holy by slowly
dying she could make desire disappear
she could cry all that fat out her eyes
she could cry all that fat out her eyes when she thought
no one was watching
she could cry all that fat out her eyes and let it run
down her body, irrigate the dirt that would bury her

Saturday, October 29, 2005

the love song of j. alfred prufrock - a poem by t.s. elilot

s’io credesse che mia risposta fosse
a persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
non torno vivo alcun, s’i’odo il vero,
senza tema d’infamia ti rispondo.

let us go then, you and i,
when the evening is spread out against the sky
like a patient etherised upon a table;
let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
the muttering retreats
of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
and sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
streets that follow like a tedious argument
of insidious intent
to lead you to an overwhelming question...
oh, do not ask, "what is it?"
let us go and make our visit.

in the room the women come and go
talking of michelangelo.

the yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,
the yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes,
licked its tongue into the corners of the evening
lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
and seeing that it was a soft october night,
curled once about the house, and fell asleep.
and indeed there will be time
for the yellow smoke that slides along the street
rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
there will be time, there will be time
to prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
there will be time to murder and create,
and time for all the works and days of hands
that lift and drop a question on your plate,
time for you and time for me,
and time yet for a hundred indecisions,
and for a hundred visions and revisions,
before the taking of a toast and tea.

in the room the women come and go
talking of michelangelo.

and indeed there will be time
to wonder, "do i dare?" and, "do i dare?"
time to turn back and descend the stair,
with a bald spot in the middle of my hair—
(they will say: "how his hair is growing thin!")
my morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
my necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin—
(they will say: "but how his arms and legs are thin!")
do i dare
disturb the universe?
in a minute there is time
for decisions and revisions which a minute win reverse.

for i have known them all already, known them all—
have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
i have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
i know the voices dying with a dying fall
beneath the music from a farther room.
so how should i presume?

and i have known the eyes already, known them all—
the eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
and when i am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
when i am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
then how should i begin
to spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
and how should i presume?

and i have known the arms already, known them all—
arms that are braceleted and white and bare
(but in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!)
is it perfume from a dress
that makes me so digress?
arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
and should Ii then presume?
and how should i begin?

shall i say, i have gone at dusk through narrow streets
and watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?

i should have been a pair of ragged claws
scuttling across the floors of silent seas.

and the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
smoothed by long fingers,
asleep ... tired ... or it malingers,
stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
should i, after tea and cakes and ices,
have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
but though i have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
though i have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in
upon a platter,
i am no prophet-and here's no great matter;
i have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
and i have seen the eternal footman hold my coat, and snicker,
and in short, i was afraid.

and would it have been worth it, after all,
after the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
would it have been worth while,
to have bitten off the matter with a smile,
to have squeezed the universe into a ball
to roll it towards some overwhelming question,
to say: "i am lazarus, come from the dead,
come back to tell you all, i shall tell you all"—
if one, settling a pillow by her head,
should say: "that is not what i meant at all.
that is not it, at all."

and would it have been worth it, after all,
would it have been worth while,
after the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
after the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along
the floor—
and this, and so much more?—
it is impossible to say just what i mean!
but as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a
would it have been worth while
if one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
and turning toward the window, should say:
"that is not it at all,
that is not what i meant, at all."

no! i am not prince hamlet, nor was meant to be;
am an attendant lord, one that will do
to swell a progress, start a scene or two,
advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool
deferential, glad to be of use,
politic, cautious, and meticulous;
full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
at times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
almost, at times, the fool.

i grow old ... i grow old ...
i shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

shall i part my hair behind? do i dare to eat a peach?
i shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
i have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

i do not think that they will sing to me.

i have seen them riding seaward on the waves
combing the white hair of the waves blown back
when the wind blows the water white and black.

we have lingered in the chambers of the sea
by sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
till human voices wake us, and we drown.

journal entry nineteen...

this is the kind of weirdo i am: on wednesday i bought two bags of halloween candy, one of skittles and one of hershey miniatures, so the kids with a taste for tangy and the kids with a taste for chocolaty will each be able to choose their favorite. and then last night i was thinking how no one rang the bell last year. and when i lived in the old neighborhood i don't remember any kids ringing the bell there either. in fact, i don't remember anyone ringing the bell as long as i've even lived in the city so why did i decide to buy the candy? and i even hesitated for a moment and almost bought a headband with little cat ears because i thought wouldn't it be cute if i opened the door and showed that i was in the halloween spirit too by painting my face and being a good sport about the whole thing?

i didn't buy the headband and now i'm looking at the bag of skittles wondering how much longer until i break down and rip the bag open myself and start inhaling all of MY favorites. maybe later, when i put "the haunting" in and snuggle up on the couch with babycat. then again, maybe i'll just open a bottle of wine and let that scratch my sugar itch.

last night i talked to mom for over two hours on the phone. that's gonna cost a pretty penny. it was a good talk though. finally SHE was able to hold it together and comfort ME while i fell apart and talked really fast and incoherently through the sobs and gulps of red wine. i'm sure she was able to make out the gist of it and if nothing else, the "i hate everybodys" because i must've said it twenty times and meant it too. she didn't even tell me not to hate them either. she agreed with me and said "you're right, baby. they are awful. they are assholes. incredible assholes that don't deserve to even know someone as good as you." eventually i stopped bawling and pulled it together and we talked about other stuff too and compared the health status of our cats and giggled a little bit and then we said goodnight and i hung up the phone and fell right to sleep.

her birthday is coming up. i've gotta find a box big enough to fit all this shit into and then off to the post office with me.

randomness twelve...

well then. weekend accomplished. now what?

Friday, October 28, 2005

journal entry eighteen...

i know that H is thinking about me and looking at my old place which in a way makes me feel good that at least she's thinking about me but also makes me sad because she hasn't tried to contact me since monday and for all she knows i could be dead. but that's not why it makes me sad. it makes me sad because i now know that there WAS something weird going on between us for whatever reason and that she was part of it too, and not just an innocent bystander.

if she had really cared about me, if she had truly been my friend, she would search harder for me. i adored her and put up with so much for so little from her. sometimes i still feel like that stunned fourth grader on that strange playground reeling from the foreigness of it all just hoping someone would give me something. anything. just acknowledge that i existed. that would be enough.

sometimes i still do that, even as a grown up. just hope for anything from acknowledgement and beyond. and i sell myself short. i expect so little for the gift that i am. because i am a gift. whether i or anyone else believes it. i have a lot to give and i do. i give it away all the time and lots of times i miss it when it's gone.

down here - lyrics by lori carson

my, my will you look at the time
i've wasted all these years gone by
can't even talk to you
don't even try
oh, well ...

down here it's as you left it
i'm waiting for the grey to clear
don't know what i'm running on
but some time ago all hope was gone

down here
what i wouldn't give for a real love
what i wouldn't give for that peace of mind
down here
i'm leaving the light on
and i guess i could be wrong
down here

now, i know i tend to get down
don't even see it when it's coming around
but sure could use some kind of change
about now
oh, well ...

down here it's as you left it
i'm waiting for the grey to clear
don't know what i'm running on
but some time ago all hope was gone

down here
what i wouldn't give for a real love
what i wouldn't give for that peace of mind
down here
i'm leaving the light on
and i guess i could be wrong
down here
it's as you left it
i'm waiting for the grey to clear

i've been everywhere - lyrics by rolf harris

this song really has nothing to do with anything except that i've never been able to find it again since w put it on a tape for me. here are the silly and giggle inducing lyrics for when i do finally find it again. because i refuse to give up until i find it.

p.s. as i type there are a bunch of drunk weirdos outside honking and yelling and behaving like drunk weirdos on halloween weekend.

I was humpin' my bluey on the dusty Oodnadatta road,
When along came a semi with a high and canvas-covered load.
If you're goin' to Oodnadatta, mate, with me you can ride.
So I climbed in the cabin and I settled down inside.
He asked me if I'd seen a road with so much dust and sand.
I said (spoken): Listen, mate, I've travelled ev'ry road in this here land.

CHO: 'Cos I've been ev'rywhere, man,
I've been ev'rywhere, man;
Crossed the desert sand, man;
I've breathed the mountain air, man.
Of travel I've had my share, man;
I've been ev'rywhere.

I've been to Tullamore, Seymour, Lismore, Mooloolaba,
Nambour Maroochydore, Kilmore, Murwillumbah,
Birdsville, Emmaville, Wallaville, Cunnarnulla,
Condamine, Strathpine, Proserpine, Ulladulla,
Darwin, Gin Gin, Deniliquin, Muckadilla,
Wallambilla, Boggabilla, Kumbarilla, I'm a killer.

Moree, Taree, Jerilderie, Bambaroo,
Toowoomba, Gunnedah, Caringbah, Woolloomooloo,
Dalveen, Tamborine, Engadine, Jindabyne,
Lithgow, Casino, Boggabri, Gundagai,
Narrabri, Tibooburra, Megalong, Wyong, Tuggerawong, Wanganella,
Morella, Augathella, Brindabella, I'm the teller.

Wollongong, Geelong, Kurrajong, Mullumbimby,
Mittagong, Molong, Grong Grong, Goondiwindi,
Yarra Yarra, Bouindarra, Wallangarra, Turramurra,
Boggabri, Gundagai, Narrabri, Tibooburra,
Gulgong, Adelong, Billabong, Cabramatta,
Parramatta, Wangaratta, Coolangatta, what's it matter.

Ettalong, Dandenong, Woodenbong, Ballarat,
Canberra, Milperra, Unanderra, Captain's Flat,
Cloncurry, River Murray, Kurri Kurri, Girraween,
Terrigal, Fingal, Stockinbingal, Collaroy and Narrabeen,
Bendigo, Dorrigo, Bangalow, Indooroopilly,
Kirribilli, Yeerongpilly, Wollondilly, don't be silly.

I've been here, there, ev'rywhere,
I've been ev'rywhere.

Orright, mate, you've been ev'ry place but one, and ya don't need my help t'get there.

i've been let down - lyrics by mazzy star

i've been let down
and i'm still coming round
i've been pulled down
and i'm still coming round for you
coming round for you

take away everything that feels fine
catch a shape in the circles of my mind
make me feel like i belong to you
make me feel it even if it ain't true

catch a train on a silver afternoon
a thousand miles and i'm gettin' there too soon
take me there, when I should be going home
tell me why i'm still feeling (all) alone

i've been let down
and i'm still coming round
i've been pulled down
and i'm still coming round for you
coming round for you

journal entry seventeen...

i left work early because it was slow and i was bored.

i walked home listening to more bright eyes and thinking there's no doubt. the boy can write his ass off. i like the way he sings too, emphasizing the words that are meant to rhyme and then adding the extra word like a meaningful afterthought.

when i got home i took down all the pictures, mended the holes and painted over them so now it's like that time in my life and those people never existed. my mom would be happy though since i used a few pictures of her to fill in the empty spaces on the refridgerator.

when i was all done i sat down and looked around and thought huh. i guess that's that then.

now i think i'm going to open a bottle of wine even though it's still light out and start reading the book i picked up at goodwill the other day. i think i liked the movie, at least the parts that sarah polley was in.

randomness eleven...

the stages of grief

denial (this isn't happening to me!)
anger (why is this happening to me?)
bargaining (i promise i'll be a better person if...)
depression (i don't care anymore)
acceptance (i'm ready for whatever comes)

i'm not sure which one i'm up to. anger, i think. i haven't done a lot of bargaining in any of my experiences with grief in the past though, so i'm gonna go ahead and count myself as halfway through it.

randomness ten...

i was just thinking of the kudzu and how they all laughed when i pointed it out and called it beautiful. they all called it a nuisance and said everyone around there hated it.

i loved its resemblance to ivy and how it engulfed everything in it's path, turning it into a random playground filled with enormous green animals. a natural topiary.

interesting the places i find beauty and those that i don't.

i've been eating (for you) - lyrics by bright eyes

so, i’m just the medicine
you take when you’re sick
you get well and that’s it
i’m put back on the shelf in your mirror
and it isn’t exceptional
the course of our fate
so, people love and they hate
and i guess it’s just our turn to hate
yeah, you were just some song i wrote
a poem on a page
a sculpture i made out of clay
desire was the flame
but now you’re more of a basketball
boys just pass you around
they bounce you hard on the ground and dribble
and then we all get high fives
and you think i’m an asshole now
well, you’re probably right
but at least i’m not blind to the facts
i’ve been wishing were lies
but still i hope you get everything
that you care to possess
and unbelievable sex with him
or any one of my friends
but just don’t ask about my appetite
i didn’t lose it tonight
no, it’s been gone half my life
it’s just i have been eating for you

journal entry sixteen...

i'm trying not to think about it so much and to stop dwelling on it entirely but sometimes i am struck by anger again and i can't help myself.

besides the part where they hurt me, i am also upset about what hypocritical assholes they are. i mean, they can do this to ME, but they'd NEVER think of doing it to M and H or J and M. i mean, those are their FRIENDS and it just wouldn't be right for a FRIEND to date a friend's EX or vice versa.

unless of course, the friend or the ex or both happen to be me.

i can just imagine them all sitting around justifying it and everyone saying "yeah, you're right. she's overreacting. you should be able to date anyone you want." but if the shoe was on the other foot and one of them was dating M or H if they ever broke up it would be completely different.

they all make me sick.

inside my head - lyrics by the connells

inside my head i hurt a lot
'cause i'm thinking about me
and what i did to you
i can't imagine what i have lost
i'm not bold enough to be
man enough for you

there's no way to save
the dream that's dead
the water has passed beneath us
on a bridge reaching down for you.

would you have been a movie star
or would you have been like me
nothing but a fool

i can cry and hide and pray a lot
but there's nothing i can do
to save the dream for me

my home is just not big enough
to start a life for three
but i wish i could for you

randomness nine...

i really feel like i'm on the verge of something. like i'm looking over the edge of some vast abyss and get i'm getting ready to leap off. it'll either be a hard landing or i'll learn to fly.

randomness eight...

that part in the movie where she says she's sorry for hurting him but what did he expect because he never felt the way about her that he felt about kate and he says "well, now i do. i hate you both."

randomness seven...

to do:

* vote
* eyebrow wax
* haircut
* write mom
* laundry
* vacuum
* finish poem

wow. now that's quite a thrilling weekend i've got lined up for myself.

journal entry fifteen...

i'm glad friday is finally here. it feels like everything that went down last week/end happened so long ago. seriously. i can't believe it was only a week ago that i started drinking at noon and didn't get out of bed for three days. i feel so much better now and i haven't had so much as a beer all week. tonight i'm going to have some wine though. to celebrate successfully making it through another week without throwing in the towel.

i still haven't talked to J and i'm thinking that the longer i go the easier it will be. you'd think i would miss him more with each passing day but really i miss him a bit less. it's like a wound that heals faster when you don't pick at the scab. it heals on its own and eventually you can't even remember that it was sore there.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

journal entry fourteen...

i am shy, i am scared, i am distressed.

i want to take a yoga class to decompress and try to make my mind and body work together better. revitalize my spirit and send myself the message that i am worthy of care. i deserve nourishment.

but then i get all scared of going into a class with all these strangers who know what they're doing when i don't. and i think well, maybe i could talk to the teacher first and explain my situation so s/he is patient with me. and then i remember how flustered i get and how my eyes well up with tears not from grief, but from anxiety and then embarassment for tearing up which DOES make me sad and then i think oh, what's the use. and just entirely give up on the idea even though i really want to do it.

maybe this weekend i'll stop by the studio near my favorite diner and see what they have to offer.

i can start slowly: just go in and pick up a brochure, and then the next time take a look around, and then the next time sign up for a class.

because really. life is short and as we can see i haven't been doing it right so i really should try another way.

what if i just set my mind to it and say i am this really strong, brave woman and i don't just sit around wishing i could do stuff but not doing it because i'm scared. what if i just say i am so brave and lovely and amazing. and what if i actually believe it.

randomness six...

i want to be the kind of person who walks into a bar with her head up, sits down confidently and orders a bushmill's straight up in a small glass, not a shot glass.

at this moment i am not that person. i am the person who scurries past the bar with her head down in the hopes that nobody notices her pass by.

randomness five...

a long time ago, right after W and i broke up i read this book called "the diary of an emotional idiot". i kind of liked it but i didn't love it. i had a real affection for it though because it was the first book i'd read in a long time. (when W and i were together i didn't read or write much at all.)

so. i was happy to finally be reading again and even though i didn't love the book, like i said, i had an affection for it.

when i finished it i loaned it to my friend D because i thought she would like it and also because i thought she was a bit of an emotional idiot and would relate.

eventually we lost touch with each other before she ever returned it and then it went out of print and i was kind of bummed because for some reason i felt really nostalgic for it and wanted to keep it in my library.

i just searched amazon and it's been back in print since 2003. what a dork i am for not noticing until now.

that doesn't mean i'm gonna run right out and buy it.

to dream - lyrics by lisa germano

only when it's real
when it speaks to you
and no one else can hear

don't give up your dream
it's really all you have
and i don't wanna see you die

to dream
to live

in your darkest moments
in your deepest thoughts
then it speaks to you
to dream

you are dreaming
this is who you are
you don't have to run

bad attitude - lyrics by lisa germano

you wish it was sunny, but it's not...hahaha
the sun will come out the day after tomorrow..haha
and you can move on to another bad day

you wish you were pretty, but you're not...hahaha
but your baby loves you, he tells you so all the time
oh that must be why you're so happy together

you're having another bad day and that's all you could change
but you don't, but your attitude baby doesn't have to be so sad

you wish you were happy but you're not..hahahaha
but if life was easy you wouldn't learn anything, now would you?
but most of the lessons you learn you would rather forget

you wish you could laugh it away but it's hard
a smoke or a drink makes the laughing part easier, haha
but now you are stuck with another addiction

you're having another bad day and that's all you could change
you could change but you're attitude baby doesn't have to be so mad
if you were just younger, hahaha
or, you could start over, it's never too late, that's what Betty says

whatever happened to your sense of humor?
you've had all your treats and its only 8:30 am that's am you would
give anything to change back
to when the waves were smaller and you could jump over

change back to when you laughed easy
and all your moves were childlike

journal entry thirteen...

i think it was at exactly this moment one week ago that J told me the shitty news and i was thrown into a frenzy of heartache and confusion. i haven't spoken to him since that one email and i have no plans to.

on the other hand, i usually can't keep up the hard shell and lack of forgiveness. i was only able to keep it up with B for six months so we'll see if this one lasts.

a year from now i'll look back and know how everything turned out.

journal entry twelve...

last night OD called. i didn't pick up because i wasn't feeling it, but it was nice to hear him ramble on and concern himself with my well being. i sent him an email this morning and he was very sweet.

KE also sent me an email to check in and see what's up. i guess i do still have a few people i can rely on. i wish she lived closer though so i could really let it all out to her and allow her to comfort me and give me advice that i probably wouldn't take. i miss her.

besides that i feel this heaviness in my heart. and a bit of sorrow that's leaving me frazzled and on the verge of tears. i can be so sensitive sometimes. and at others so unbelievably obtuse. i think it's because i'm so self-absorbed. but the fact of the matter is that if i don't coddle and baby myself, ain't nobody else gonna do it for me.

right now the only people i count among my friends are CR, KE, OD, BE, NA, BO, and sometimes ME. oh. and CA and CL of course.

i guess that's not bad. at least i'm not entirely alone out here. and it's more than what i started out with when it was just me and ka and then me and no one.

i'm down, but i'm not out.

sharp cutting wings (song for a poet) - lyrics by lucinda williams

you're the one you're my shinin star
you're the one i've been waiting for
let's fly away to some foreign country
where nobody knows who we are

i wish i had a ship to sail the waters
i wish i had about a hundred dollars
but i'll just stand with this glass in my hand
feeling like nothing even matters

your words run thru me like the blood in my veins
i could swear i knew your love before i knew your name
before i knew your name

everyday i miss your smiling face
no one here can ever take your place
the sun can shine down over my town
but it never shines in my days

i told all the stars above
i'm gonna shower you with my love
i won't demand you i'll try to understand you
my love is free as a dove

your words run thru me like the blood in my veins
i could swear i knew your love before i knew your name
before i knew your name

you're the one you're my shinin star
you're the one i've been waiting for
fet's fly away to some foreign country
where nobody knows who we are

i lost it - lyrics by lucinda williams

i think i lost it, let me know if you come across it
let me know if i let it fall along a back road somewhere
money can't replace it, no memory can erase it
and i know i'm never gonna find another one to compare

gimme some love to fill me up
gimme some time, gimme some stuff
gimme a sign, gimme some kind of reason
are you heavy enough to make me stay?
i feel like i might blow away
i thought i was in heaven, but i was only dreaming

i think i lost it, let me know if you come across it
let me know if I let it fall along a back road somewhere
money can't replace it, no memory can erase it
and i know i'm never gonna find another one to compare

i just wanna live the life i please
i don't want no enemies
i don't want nothin if i have to fake it
never take nothin don't belong to me
everything's paid for, nothin's free
if i give my heart, will you promise not to break it?

i think i lost it, let me know if you come across it
let me know if i let it fall along a back road somewhere
money can't replace it, no memory can erase it
and i know i'm never gonna find another one to compare

metal firecracker - lyrics by lucinda williams

once we rode together
in a metal firecracker
you told me i was your queen
you told me i was your biker
you told me i was your everything

once i was in your blood
and you were obsessed with me
you wanted to paint my picture
you wanted to undress me
you wanted to see me in your future

all i ask
don't tell anybody the secrets
don't tell anybody the secrets
i told you

once you held me so tight
i thought i'd lose my mind
you said i rocked your world
you said it was for all time
you said that i would always be your girl

we'd put on zz top
and turn em up real loud
i used to think you were strong
i used to think you were proud
i used to think nothing could go wrong

all i ask
don't tell anybody the secrets
don't tell anybody the secrets
i told you

winter me (broken ladder)

slowly, like leaves
they fell away

gathering together,
and lying there
silently at my feet

until i let out
a mournful sigh
and they blew away

randomness four...

sometimes i get discouraged because i feel like i should be writing a novel or at the very least short stories, but all i can muster the energy for is a few poems.

but poetry is still writing, right? and i'm still a writer even if poetry is all i do. i shouldn't be so hard on myself. i love poetry. and saying i'm a poet seems much more romantic and authentic than just being a plain ol' writer.

i am a poet who sometimes writes. me (broken ladder)

i'd like to call a time out
"do overs" if you will

i'd like to move
to a new place
with a new plan
and start this whole thing
over again

i'd like to be a stranger
in a strange land
where no one knows
where i come from

and everyone believes me
when i tell them
where i'm going

journal entry eleven...

today marks one week. one week since i've spoken to any of them.

sometimes i think i will talk to J at some point but when i think of what i could possibly say, i come up with nothing. or with a bunch of hateful stuff that would only make things worse so what's the point? i think i can go on like this forever and i probably can. i mean, what's the alternative? eventually, too much time passes and trying to pick up where you left off becomes forced and ridiculous. and actually, it all becomes quite boring and i get tired of thinking about it and just push it out of my mind.

eventually it'll be years from now and i'll be all 'holy shit! i haven't talked to those people in ages!' maybe i'll think back on them wistfully and with affection. if that's the case, it certainly IS going to take MANY years to get there.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

journal entry ten...

i think i really am going to do it. just fall off the face of the earth and get on with my life. apart from the crying jags, i've been feeling stronger everyday and actually, quite relieved. as i dwell on it and run everything over and over and over in my mind i really do feel relieved to be done with the lot of them. it's been a long time coming, but i knew it was and now it's done so i need to stop moping, take a deep breath, and move on.

i think it will be easy enough, until i run into one of them somewhere. it's a little city dontcha know.


i've enjoyed the time to myself and i think it is really healing my wounded heart to just be able to wallow in self-pity and hate the whole world. it's not going to last forever though. i'm giving myself until the end of the year to come up with a game plan and then i'm going to get my shit thoroughly together and be fabulous again. that is my sole new year's resolution: to be fabulous.

easy enough, no?

look for me as you go by - lyrics by the innocence mission

hang my head low, so low.
don't see me only as i am but
see me how i long to be.
shining like a flowering tree
under a gray pennsylvania sky.
look for me as you go by.
hang my head low, so low.
every burden shall be lifted.
every stone upon your back slide into the sea.
it's me for you and you for me.

beautiful change - lyrics by the innocence mission

oh i'm going to find some peace of mind.
at any time i could change, any day,
a beautiful change.
some low sinking clouds become reindeer
while i'm standing here at the door,
looking for a beautiful change.

the snow is here. the light is bright.

flower forth, and soon, branch of easter.
i want to be here when he needs me,
he will see a beautiful change.
oh and he wades into the yard.
nothing has been what i'd guessed so far.
unforeseen, this most sweet, beautiful change.

oh do not fly away - lyrics by the innocence mission

i wait to ring the bells awhile
till all the light and color
have stayed the whole of spring
until i believe it

and if, and if i count on you
oh do not fly away
i dare not count on you
it is too early to say

oh can you tell me of the future
if something is the matter
i am afraid to look
down there or much further

and if, and if i count on you
oh do not fly away
i dare not count on you
it is too early to say

oh through the dog paths
and the hazel
through every place i've entered
i've looked for you to come
years ago or sooner

and if, and if i count on you
oh do not fly away
i dare not count on you

it is too early to say

randomness three...


i feel like i can just go on like this forever. and perhaps i will.

sometimes silence is mightier than the keyboard.

journal entry nine...

see, it's not only that i'm really mad at them, it's also that i don't want them talking about me or speculating about what's going on.

i haven't responded to A or J or H's emails and i'm sure A and J aren't surprised but i can imagine H sitting around with the rest of that crew saying fucked up things about me. and i think isn't it weird how they used to be your very best friends and now you absolutely don't trust them?

yes, it is weird.

i guess it's another ego issue: i don't want them to think i am vulnerable or hurt by them even though i am. i want them to think i don't care one whit about them (and for the most part i don't) but of course sometimes i do.

i don't know. i guess to a certain extent i DO feel like it was a competition and that i lost. not that the prizes were all that great anyway.

journal entry eight...

i remember a summer night many years ago when K pushed me down the street really fast in a shopping cart and then i returned the favor. i remember being scared but i trusted him absolutely not to hurt me. and he didn't. i think i might have actually hit a bump with him in the cart and sent us both flying, but i only remember laughter, no tears or hurt feelings.

those were some good days. when i was madly in love and fully believed i always would be. maybe i still am a little bit in love with K even after all these years. he's the one i could never get out of my heart. the love i keep searching for, only to come up empty handed.

rise - lyrics by azure ray

today i'll crawl out of bed
i can't stand your shadow
is too heavy to lift
maybe we'll go for a ride
you said you'd take me nowhere
i said that suits me just fine
i know you've always been near
whispering secrets I know
i'm not supposed to hear
hold your heart with two hands
give it to me only to disappear

and look how low i've sunk
don't ask me to rise
i'll lose you when i'm high

all alone in the dark
love survives only when we are apart
your voice still sounds in my ears
soft explosions that blossom
with the beat of my heart

and look how low i've sunk
don't ask me to rise
i'll only lose you when i'm high

something to write with...

it's this deep
sunken feeling
like all of my hope
has caved in.

a poem by antonio machado

last night, as i was sleeping,
i dreamt
that i had a beehive
here inside my heart.
and the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from my old failures.

a poem by robert duncan

the child i was
has been left behind.
those who first loved me
have gone on without me.
where they were
a door has been left open
upon a solitude.

in the midst
of our revelry
i find myself waiting.

journal entry seven...

i am trying to be a better person though. it may not seem like it now because i am so full of bitterness and anger, but it's just because i am so sad and hurting. i honestly am trying to let this experience shape me into someone better.

i think it's working. slowly but surely i am being transformed into someone more tender and compassionate. one by one the layers are being pulled away to reveal my tender, vulnerable center. but, like an onion the tears flow heavier the more i am opened up.

over the years i've allowed the hurts to build, to pile on top of one another like callouses. the hurts have grown into these hard knots that keep the real me, the tender me from being part of the world. i've used them like armour, to keep people away from me, outside. i'm not going to do that this time. instead, i am going to let these fresh hurts awaken and comfort the old ones. i am going to recognize them and stop denying that they are mine. they all are mine. they have shaped me into the person i am now: sad, anxious, afraid, timid, conflicted. but they've also made me stronger, smarter, more loyal and honest.

i really am trying to be a better person. and i will get there, one delicate layer at a time.

journal entry six...

i'm glad i have this space, my secret garden. it's been very theraputic to be able to just say anything that's on my mind without worrying that i will hurt someone or that i will be judged and ridiculed. sometimes when i'm writing i feel like i'm twelve and still able to be shocked and outraged by the injustice in the world. other times i feel like i'm seventy and just so very tired, no longer able to be surprised or overwhelmed by anything at all.

i'm working toward a happy medium.

last night i watched the gilmore girls and i could totally relate to how lorelai must have felt at rory's birthday party, like she was an outsider at the place she most belonged. it hurts, that feeling of outsiderness. otherness.

so many of the people i'm leaving behind, the people who've cast me aside, they wouldn't even know one another if not for me. i was the center. the one who brought everyone together. who created the whole "thing" that i am no longer a part of. it hurts to go from the top to the bottom. or to nonexisitent i should say. none of them even care or consider me anymore. whatever. it's just my ego talking.

ha. i woke up thinking i was feeling fine and that it was going to be a good day. look at me now.

i'm on an emotional rollercoaster and i really prefer the teacups.

in other's words two...

last night i wept. i wept because the process by which i have become a woman was painful. i wept because i was no longer a child with a child's blind faith. i wept because my eyes were opened to reality...i wept because i could not believe anymore and i love to believe...i wept because from now on i will weep less. i wept because i have lost my pain and i am not yet accustomed to its absence. - anais nin: henry and june

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

journal entry five...

lies lies lies yeah.

minute by minute, day by day, i am coming to the conclusion that this exodus from my old circle really was the best move i could make for myself. so many lies and hurts remain back there and that's where i hope they will stay.

i must admit that it does sting when i learn something new by way of knowing where to find information to upset myself. i was always a good friend. i was always supportive. i always told the truth and defended those i loved. i cannot say that the favor was returned. by any of them.

and now when i learn something new it stings and tears spring to my eyes, surprising me, but then i take a deep breath and decide to be alright. i will be alright. this truly was the best decision i've made in awhile and slowly the sadness and loss will be replaced with comfort and confidence.

i will be alright.

journal entry four...

can i do it? can i go for the rest of my life without ever acknowledging or speaking to him again? it's been five full days since i've had any communication with him whatsoever. will i just wake up one day and realize i haven't thought of him in years?

an abrupt ending to something i thought would last forever.

directions - lyrics by josh rouse

don't like the direction you are going to
seems to lack the attention, that it used to
stay out all night and get high with your friends
wonder why you don't get one thing done
don't like the direction you are going to

don't like the direction you have come to
now it has the attention that it used to
stay home all night with the TV and wife
comfortable life's not all it's cracked up to be
don't like the direction you have come to

it's easy to get caught and the weight of the world
it's falling on your face, so unsure that you would

dagaz: breakthrough, transformation, day...

"here is the final rune belonging to the cycle of initiation. drawing dagaz often signals a major shift or breakthrough in the process of self-change, a complete transformation in attitude, a 180 degree turn. for some, the transition is so radical that they are no longer able to live the ordinary life in the ordinary way.

because the timing is right, the outcome is assured although not, from the present vantage point, predictable. in each life there comes at least one moment which, if recognized and seized, transforms the course of that life forever. rely, therefore, on radical trust, even though the moment may call for you to leap empty-handed into the void. with this rune your warrior nature reveals itself.

a major period of achievement and prosperity is ofen introduced by this rune. the darkness is behind you, daylight has come. nevertheless, you are reminded not to collapse yourself into thoughts for the future or behave recklessly in your new situation. considerable hard work can be involved in a time of transformation. undertake to do it joyfully."

uhm, okay.

journal entry three...

part of me really wants things to work out between them - really wants them to be happy together so that what they've done to me is actually worth it.

and then there's the other part of me that hopes they can never look at one another without feeling shame and regret and that it eventually drives them apart and back to me. so that i can say no. fuck you. i'm over the both of you and i don't need to let either of you back in.

someday we'll know how it all turned out.

journal entry two...

look at me all writing again. and cutting and pasting.

it feels good to be clacking away at the keyboard again instead of silently staring at the blank. white. page.

not that i'm saying anything important or worthwhile, mind you. just that i am getting some of this clutter out of my brain and making room for some spontaneous creativity. and things of that nature.

yes. someday, someway, i will write something good. i swear it.

the late show - lyrics by jackson browne

everyone i've ever known has wished me well
anyway that's how it seems, it's hard to tell
maybe people only ask you how you're doing
'cause that's easier than letting on how little they could care
but when you know that you've got a real friend somewhere
suddenly all the others are so much easier to bear

now to see things clear it's hard enough i know
while you're waiting for reality to show
without dreaming of the perfect love
and holding it so far above
that if you stumbled onto someone real, you'd never know
(you'd never know)
you could be with somebody who is lonely too
(sometimes it doesn't show)
he might be trying to get across to you
(words can be so slow)
when your own emptiness is all that's getting through
there comes a point when you're not sure why you're still talking
i passed that point long ago
(long ago)
now i'm so tired of all this circling
and all these glimpses of the end
(you know it's useless to pretend)
that's all the voices say:
"you'll go right on circling
until you've found some kind of friend"

i saw you through the laughter and the noise
you were talking with the soldiers and the boys
while they scuffled for your weary smiles
i thought of all the empty miles
and the years that i've spent looking for your eyes
(looking for your eyes)
and now i'm sitting here wondering what to say
(that you might recognize)
afraid that all these words might scare you away
(and break through the disguise)
no one ever talks about their feelings anyway
without dressing them in dreams and laughter
i guess it's just too painful otherwise

it's like you're standing in the window
of a house nobody lives in
and i'm sitting in a car across the way
(let's just say)
it's an early model chevrolet
(let's just say)
it's a warm and windy day
you go and pack your sorrow
the trash man comes tomorrow

leave it at the curb and we'll just roll away

sometimes it doesn't hurt...

sometimes the pain goes away for a moment and i know i'm going to be okay. it's easier when i don't hear from you. i can forget about it for a moment and go on.

but then, after i've taken a deep breath and assured myself once more that yes, i will survive this, the ping of my inbox sends my heart into my stomach and i die a little bit all over again.

death upon death upon death upon death. one email at a time.

the way back - a poem by leonard cohen

but i am not lost
anymore than leaves are lost
or buried vases
i would only give you second thoughts.

i know you must call me traitor
because i have wasted my blood
in aimless love
and you are right
blood like that
never won an inch of star

you know how to call me
although such a noise now
would only confuse the air
neither of us can forget
the steps we danced
the words you stretched
to call me out of dust

yes i long for you
not as a leaf for weather
or vase for hands
but with a narrow human longing
that makes a man refuse
and fields but his own.

i wait for you at an
unexpected place in your journey
like the rusted key
or the feather you do not pick up
until the way back
after it is clear
the remote and painful destination
changed nothing in your life.

are you the new person drawn toward me? - a poem by walt whitman

are you the new person drawn toward me?
to begin with take warning; i am surely far different
from what you suppose.
do you suppose you will find me your ideal?
do you think it so easy to have me become your lover?
do you think the friendship of me would be unalloy'd satisfaction?
do you think i am trusty and faithful?

do you see no further than this facade,
this smooth and tolerant manner of me?
do you see yourself advancing on real ground
toward a real heroic man?

have you no thought o dreamer that it may be all maya

the flowers i left in the ground - a poem by leonard cohen

the flowers i left in the ground,
that i did not gather for you,
today i bring them all back,
to let them grow forever,
not in poems or mable,
but where they fell and rotted.

and the ships in their great stalls,
huge and transitory as heroes,
ships i could not captain,
today i bring them back
to let them sail forever,
not in model or ballad,
but where they wrecked and scuttled.

and the child on whose shoulders i stand,
whose longing i purged
with publice, kingly discipline,
today i bring him back
to languish forever,
not in confession or biography,
but where he flourished,
growing sly and hairy.

it is not malice that draws me away,
draws me to renunciation, betrayal:
it is for weariness, i go for weariness of thee.
gold, ivory, flesh, love, g-d, blood, moon -
i have become the expert of the catalogue.

my body once so familiar with glory,
my body has become a museum:
this part remembered
because of someone's mouth,
this because of a hand,
this of wetness, this of heat.

who owns anything he has not made?
with your beauty i am as uninvolved
as with horses manes and waterfalls.
this is my last catalogue.
i breathe the breathless
i love you, i love you -
and let you move forever.

in other's words...

when will our consciences grow so tender that we will act to prevent human misery rather than avenge it? - e. roosevelt

most people go to their graves with their music still inside them. - b. disreli

deep water and drowning are not the same thing. - j. baldwin

courage is not always the roar of a lion, sometimes it is the small voice that says, "i will try again tomorrow." - unknown

sometimes i feel like i've lost so much i have to find new things to lose. - eve's bayou

and the last perhaps will not return and knows me not although i burn. ah the trees overhang glowingly and i feel no one feeling me. - rilke

it is not hard to live through a day, if you can live through a moment. what creates despair is the imagination, which pretends there is a future, and insists on predicting millions of moments, thousands of days, and so drains you that you cannot live the moment at hand. - a. dubus

conveniently, cowardice and forgiveness look identical at a certain distance. - j. nolan

stuff to write with...

1) she'd done a lot of "dealing and moving on" in her life and it had made her fragile, yet hard, like a pane of glass.

2) she was fourteen when she met her father, through no fault of her own.

3) there was a hard, sharp pain at the base of her spine which she knew could be nothing less than cancer.

4) the coffee grounds in the kitchen sink were more than she could bear.

5) it wasn't true what they said about your whole life flashing before your eyes when you die, and that was maggie's final disappointment. it was probably for the best though because who could bear scene after scene of oneself weighing food and measuring the rolls around ones middle?

6) is there ever a love that doesn't break someone's heart?

7) she wished she had let him steal her away from her lover all those years ago.

8) are we all doomed to love the ones we can't have and be loved by the ones we no longer want?

9) she wanted to be that girl he was in love with. she wanted to be the person he saw when he looked into her eyes.

10) there will always be a part of me that is with him; a part of me that was never meant for you.

11) they had all, in one way or another, been damaged by him and many still wore the stunned expression of having loved him.

12) at the time it was my biggest tragedy: breaking that paperweight.

13) in her final moments she didn't consider however, that the majority of her life was filled with weighing food and measuring the rolls of fat with her hands.

14) it made her angry and resentful that her mother didn't take care of the things she made as a child. they weren't treasures to her and she let them get lost and left behind.

randomness two...

this morning i woke to the sound of rain and cars splashing through the wet streets. i looked outside and there were puddles on the sidewalk and pools of rain on the hoods of cars. i got out of bed and dressed warmly, preparing myself for a cool fall morning.

later, i went back to look again and the sky was perfectly clear as if i had dreamed the rain. but there were still remnants of raindrops running down the roof of a white truck that was parked out there.

i am not going crazy.

randomness one...

isn't it funny how people will say "i love you. you know i would never do anything intentionally to hurt you." right after they've done something that totally destroys you?

i am not without blame.

journal entry one...

someday i will look back on this time and think it was a good thing. that i needed to clear out everything old and make room for the new to enter. the last year has been incredibly difficult. i've denied that to myself and stuffed the sorrow and pain down and tried to hide it away but i'm so full of sadness and grief that there's no more room inside me for anything else. i need to let some of this out to make room for something better.

last night i came home and tried to go on with my life and go about my business but the tears surprised me and i just had to sit down and cry for awhile. it hurt to think about everything - all of the things i've lost and all of the things that will be lost - but it felt good too. it was a relief to let down my guard and stop with the brave face. i could tell it scared babycat but i didn't care. it felt good to feel terrible and sob with sorrow and anger and rage. this morning i did feel better and could breathe more easily.

i've lost so much this year: H, J, J, K, J, D, A, M, B, etc. it hurts to let them all go but i really have to. although B emailed me last night and it was really sweet to hear from him. perhaps i'll let him back in someday, when i'm stronger. right now there's too much bad stuff happening that i don't want to share with anyone or talk about. i just want to wallow in it all by myself for awhile. and then when i'm healed and strong again, i'll pretend like it never happened and just go on with my life...

from letters to a young poet - by rilke

being an artist means: not numbering and counting, but ripening like a tree, which doesn't force its sap, and stands confidently in the storms of spring, not afraid that afterward summer may not come. it does come. but it comes only to those who are patient, who are there as if eternity lay before them, so unconcernedly silent and vast.

Monday, October 24, 2005

this is what i want to say to you...

1) it's too late to be friends
2) you should have thought of that before you fucked her
3) you're both dead to me now

but instead i just delete all correspondence from you so that i don't end up saying something i'll regret. all my grief and hatred are being directed here instead.

lucky you.

grand illusions...

sometimes i think i should just up and move
start some better life somewhere else

that would show them

and then i wonder where would i go
and would anyone even care that i was gone

i remember me - lyrics by the innocence mission

oh, the world is hard to understand
it's better to forget now
why was i left all alone
to fight the darkness that surrounds me?
clouds in the upstairs
clouds in the memory

i'm a headline
non-existent person
i'm a shell with no name
i am no one
family doesn't want me
no one comes to claim me
with scars on my forehead
scars on my memory
i've got scars on my poor hands
scars all over me
but i know who i am
i know, i mean, i think i should know
i think i should know who i am
i remember me

because i am the daughter of a soldier
you won't see me crying
"malenkaya" - that's what papa called me
and, so i always will be
with clouds in the upstairs
clouds in the memory
i've got clouds in the upstairs
clouds in the memory
i've got clouds in the upstairs
but i still remember
i remember me
in the back of my head
in the middle of the night me (broken ladder)

i feel like i've died
and given birth to a new
unimproved version of myself
too many times for someone my age

sometimes i think it would be easier
to just give in
and let the dark gather round
and swallow me up

but this current version of me
who is intent on dying
and on
being born again
won't allow me that luxury

november - lyrics by azure ray

so i'm waiting for this test to end
so these lighter days can soon begin
i'll be alone but maybe more carefree
like a kite that floats so effortlessly

i was afraid to be alone
but now i'm scared thats how i like to be
all the faces none the same
how can there be so many personalities
so many lifeless empty hands
so many hearts in great demand

and now my sorrow seems so far away
until i'm taken by these bolts of pain
but i turn them off and
tuck them away
till these rainy days that make them stay
and then i'll cry so hard to these sad songs
and the words still ring, once here now gone
and they echo through my head everyday
and i don't think they'll ever go away
just like thinking of your childhood home
but we can't go back we're on our own..ohh

but i'm about to give this one more shot
and find it in myself
i'll find it in myself

so we're speeding towards that time of year
to the day that marks that you're not here
and i think i'll want to be alone
so please understand if i don't answer the phone
i'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls
until i can see nothing at all
only particles some fast some slow
all my eyes can see is all i know...ohh

but i'm about to give this
one more shot
and find it in myself
i'll find it in myself ...


the tears will nourish me
and i will grow
from this catastrophe
into something
and beautiful