Wednesday, October 26, 2005

journal entry nine...

see, it's not only that i'm really mad at them, it's also that i don't want them talking about me or speculating about what's going on.

i haven't responded to A or J or H's emails and i'm sure A and J aren't surprised but i can imagine H sitting around with the rest of that crew saying fucked up things about me. and i think isn't it weird how they used to be your very best friends and now you absolutely don't trust them?

yes, it is weird.

i guess it's another ego issue: i don't want them to think i am vulnerable or hurt by them even though i am. i want them to think i don't care one whit about them (and for the most part i don't) but of course sometimes i do.

i don't know. i guess to a certain extent i DO feel like it was a competition and that i lost. not that the prizes were all that great anyway.

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