Wednesday, November 30, 2005

journal entry eighty...

this is a beginning.

it isn't the end, it's the beginning.

and this is an excellent place to start over.

randomness forty-one...

p.s. i have been listening to xmas music all week in order to perfect my xmas mix. that's why i haven't been posting any deep and meaningful lyrics. because most xmas carols are crap and the only thing saving them is the artist performing them.

journal entry seventy-nine...

is it wrong to hope that they drive each other crazy and break up before the year is through?

i mean, i have a feeling it's bad karma to wish unhappiness on people, but what if i'm wishing it more as a "what goes around" finally coming around?

the thing is though, that they're both stupid and boring and gross which is obviously a perfect fit so it's unlikely to happen. it just makes me so mad though and i think they're so mean and ugly and horrible and disrespectful and barfy. and if that's the case then why do i even waste my energy on thoughts of them at all?

i don't know. because i have a tendency to dwell and rehash and over analyze and hold grudges and all the rest of the crap that's led me to this point in my life.

you'd think i'd have learned better by now. but you'd be wrong.

it's weird because i'm not really lonely and everytime i think about calling someone up to see if they want to get together, i kind of panic when i realize that it would interfere with my alone time. then i worry that i should spend time with people and that i'm turn into some freaky hermit if i don't. but i really enjoy spending time on my own reading or writing or watching movies or rehashing the same old tired crap. and i'm also afraid that if i hungout with someone and they asked how i've been and i told them they'd think i was bitter little bitch. and maybe they'd be right.

i don't know. i'm in a bit of a funk and some kind of circular holding pattern and as much as i want to get over this hump i guess there's a part of me that doesn't want to get over it either. if that makes any sense. which it certainly doesn't.

anyway, the point of the matter is that although i've "forgiven" them for betraying me and breaking my heart, i really do hope they're sad about it and that they miss me and feel guilty and make each other sick with their backstabbiness.

yes, i am in seventh grade.

journal entry seventy-eight...

i was just thinking: this whole "trying to maintain a positive outlook" thing is kind of hampering my creativity. i think i'm doing it wrong. like instead of allowing grief or fear or anxiety to happen to me and then just riding it out, i've been pushing it down and pretending it doesn't exist. i don't think that's going to work out for me in the long run. if i ignore or deny my thoughts and emotions i'm also silencing myself. i'm sending myself the message that these things are bad and therefore i must deny them and as a result i am denying the creativity that flows from sorrow. and anger.

so i'm calling do-overs.

as lou reed says, "sometimes i feel so happy, sometimes i feel so sad..." and there's nothing wrong with that.

at the moment i don't feel much of anything, probably because when i woke up this morning i willed myself to be chipper and cast all negative thoughts aside. so now i'm going to remove the emotional wall i set up and just allow myself to feel whatever i feel, no matter how weird or ugly it may be. i'll acknowledge it and let it run it's course and then i'll move on. pushing it down won't make it go away, it'll only save it up for later.

deep breath.

i feel what i feel and it's all going to work out anyway. learning as i go.

today's horoscope...

Outdated beliefs slow people down more than nearly anything in the world, and are usually much more debilitating than physical obstacles. As someone who has a vested interest in progress, it would do you well to consider everything on the level of belief right now. It's fair to say that the only thing that stands between you and your most cherished goals is an idea or a concept that can easily be replaced by something more useful. It's just as easy to say 'I can' as it is to say 'I can't,' but the results are significantly different. You don't even need to believe it; just experiment.

hmm. that seems to be saying that my negative self-talk is outdated and that i really need to give that shit up and start believing in myself again. and he even covered my whole "but what if i'm just faking it?" part. i guess i am doing it right. i can do this thing. i will make it through and come out a stronger and smarter person.

a year from now i will look back and know how it all turned out. i can do this.

journal entry seventy-seven...

well would you look at that? another month down in the blink of an eye. time certainly does fly the older i get.

last night was a hectic dream night and fortunately none were nightmares. i had one dream where i was in the top of this very tall tree and i was sitting on a branch when one of my friends (who i don't recognize from real life) climbed onto a branch above me but his branch was weaker and started to creak as if it was going to break. somehow this effected my branch too and i was afraid i was going to fall but he moved in time and i didn't.

in another dream i was back in my old hometown at the city swimming pool (which i never went to and in fact don't know that we even had one) and was reminiscing with RI and wishing JO was still around. then i was wandering through a school and kept getting lost but not scared or anything. eventually i wandered into the gymnasium and they were having a flea market or something and i felt bad for a woman who was selling her wedding china because she was desperate. she assured me that she would be rolling in money soon though.

oh! i did just remember a sort of scary one. i was wandering through some corner market in a random town and it was some kind of blackmarket place. they had been busted for selling child porn a few months earlier but the guy working there told me it was safe now and to go ahead and check it out. it was really dirty and cluttered and unpleasant. i walked through and they had so much weird stuff: really old porn magazines, dusty cans of food, old games with missing pieces. the grossest thing though was this dart board that had human penises pinned to it with darts. it scared the crap out of me and i hightailed it out of there. creepy.

in another dream i felt a pregnant woman's belly. she was getting ready to give birth and she was so happy and excited about it. i could feel the baby's elbow poking her stomach and then i could hear the baby calling out for her mother. i was shocked at how loud it was and then the woman smiled and handed me her little girl who was around two. apparently she'd been holding her too and i didn't notice.

anyway, it was a mish mash of dreams and i'm not sure what any of them mean but at least they weren't scary like the night before.

i really am making an effort to be positive and happy and to be grateful for all of the experiences in my life, not just the good ones. every experience makes me who i am so i must love all of them if i am to truly love myself.

it's weird because i struggle with the whole "being in a relationship" thing, and how i'm not, and then with the "being complete and happy on my own" when i'm only partly happy. the idea of trying to find someone this late in my life seems almost impossible, especially when i read so much anti-feminist crap in the papers and magazines and i know that's the world i'm up against. 75% of the people out there are sexist and i just don't know that i have the patience or the desire to try and find someone good.

so i guess there's my answer: i'll just go with the flow and if i find someone, great, and if i don't, i'll die alone but at least it won't be a frustrating end with someone who doesn't appreciate me. bright side and all that.

i would like to find someone though. to be happy and in love and cared for by someone who makes me all giddy and fluttery inside. i haven't felt that feeling in years.

but really i'm not all that focused on romance at the moment. i hardly ever even think about it because i'm too busy thinking i'm too fat for love or that i'm too old for love or that all the good ones are already taken so when a thought of love enters my mind i generally push it right out and think about something else. and the thing with J and him betraying my trust so deeply has made me even less hopeful because i figure if he couldn't be trusted then really, no one can.

but wait. that's negative thinking. i need to nip that in the bud. deep breath: in with peace and joy, out with bitterness and negativity.

what was today's daily affirmation? "i know and express my higher purpose."

i need to work on that one. i'm not sure that i really do know what my higher purpose is. i should probably do some reflecting and meditating on that if i am to progress in the right direction. otherwise i'll be floundering in this same state of confusion years from now.

blah, blah, blah.

i feel like my journal entries lately are really weird and disjointed. i guess that's probably because i am. i'm trying to do the right thing, to be a good person and look on the bright side and be more appreciative and all that. i'm not used to it though so it's kind of putting me off my game. is it because i'm still on the path to enlightenment or is it because i'm just faking it and not really making any progress at all?

oh lordy, i'm so confused.

anyway. working on it. trying. doing my best and all that. and that's really all i can do.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

journal entry seventy-six...

you know, i think it worked.

i've felt pretty calm and peaceful all day and the rain hasn't dampened my mood at all either. (pun intended.) perhaps i should try waking up every morning and deciding to be happy in spite of everything. stop trying to fight the bad stuff and instead just accept it and try to learn from it and move on. be grateful for everything, not just the things that go my way.

how very zen of me.

today's horoscope...

An emotional situation seems to be going from strange to stranger, but you might want to adjust things slightly and go from deep to deeper. I don't blame you for feeling hemmed in to a particular situation, or for being all but convinced that your feelings don't matter. The most important thing is that your feelings matter to you. Once you're on clear terms with yourself, and it may take a few days, you'll soon discover that you're standing in an entirely new psychic and emotional landscape. Your commitment to yourself is more important than your commitment to anyone else. And, in truth, the two do not conflict.

journal entry seventy-five...

last night i dreamt i ate about a million ice cream cones.

i can't remember where i was or why, but there were several ice cream machines and we were being taught how to make a good cone. i kept demonstrating and then i'd eat my creation. it was so yummy, i was in heaven. there was chocolate and vanilla and orange and raspberry and swirls and all sorts of delicious flavors. i just kept making them and making them and eating them and eating them. only after about the eighth one did i start to feel guilty and bloated.

before that dream i'd woken myself up from a nightmare with a scream. it wasn't a real scream, more of a deep panting grunt, but it woke me up none the less. in the nightmare i had a bunch of cash on me and i had to get it to someone but in order to do so i had to run through a dark, scary parking garage. i was running as fast as i could and then these two people started chasing me. i was staying ahead of them until i came to a dark staircase and couldn't see to get down it. i was afraid i'd break my neck if i tried to run and i woke with a scream when they caught up to me and one grabbed me.

i'm glad i woke up and didn't have to see what became of me. i don't think it would have been anything good. finishing up the night with an ice cream fest was a much better way to wake up.

so i decided to be happy today. i decided to take everything as a good omen instead of a bad omen. the fact that it's raining outside? good omen. the rain is washing away all of my bitterness and negativity to make way for bright new joy. the fact that i still don't have a raincoat? no problem. i will make do with what i have because i'm not materialistic.

see how that works? i look at the things that would normally bum me out and i try and put a positive spin on it and hopefully i will eventually believe it. it's worth a try anyway.

i finished reading "letters to a young poet" again last night and a lot of different things stuck with me than the last time i read it. i guess because i've got different heartaches and goals than the last time. this time what struck me was his insistence that kappus embrace his solitude and sadness and fears as gifts to be experienced rather than troubles to be avoided.

"you must realize that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall. why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don't know what work these conditions are doing inside you? why do you want to persecute yourself with the question of where this is all coming from and where it is going? since you know, after all, that you are in the midst of transitions and you wished for nothing so much as to change."

it was like he was speaking directly to me. and although it doesn't change the feelings and troubles i'm dealing with now, it puts them into perspective and makes me respect them for what they are and for what i'll become from having survived them.

anyway, i just want to stop being so negative and bitter and i guess this is a way. if i can't change the things around me, at least i can change myself and the way i react to them. this has just been such a difficult year for me. i guess that means i'm undergoing huge changes and the woman i'll be at the end of all this will be someone amazing and fantastic indeed.

and maybe if i say it to myself a million times, one day i'll truly believe it.

Monday, November 28, 2005

journal entry seventy-four...

patience.

that is my test. my lesson in life. to learn patience.

i always want everything to happen right now. i want to know what's going to happen and that this valley is okay; that it's just a little dip and then i'll be riding the crest to something better again. i always want to know right now what's coming up and is it going to make all this worth it?

patience. i just need to live my life and the answers will be known when the time is right. there will always be something to look back on and know how it turned out. a year ago i didn't know this is how all of that would go down. back then i wanted it all to be over and less complicated. well, now it is.

and i guess even though i've been gloomy and doomy lately, it's not really that bad. i just hope i don't look back a year from now and consider these the good old days. egads.

in other's words nine...

"...have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." - rainer maria rilke (letters to a young poet)

journal entry seventy-four...

i am willing myself to cheer up. to look on the bright side.

i refuse to go through another hormonal rollercoaster, especially since i already went through a doozy last month. no sense beating a dead horse or mourning that same dead horse over and over again.

move on. move up. happy, happy, happy. i can do this thing.

also, today marks one year since i stopped smoking. i went cold turkey and never looked back. soon my lungs will be as healthy and hearty as the day i was born.

happy, happy, happy.

journal entry seventy-three...

it's the PMS. it's bringing out the worst in me again and i'm feeling all bitter and obsessive. (and fat.)

last night J and A were in my dreams again. J showed up in the form of another old boyfriend and he didn't stay long, but A was back in full force, rubbing me the wrong way and not showing any remorse.

in the dream i was hanging out at a bar with the cast of RENT, (i guess because i just saw the review on "ebert and roeper"), and A showed up a bit later. she was part of my crowd of friends but i was trying to avoid her and have a good time. at one point we were both up at the bar ordering drinks though, and i asked her very sincerely, "can't you see how this would hurt me? can't you understand how it would be painful for me to have one of my close friends take up with my old boyfriend? the man i spent the last two years of my life with? the man who at one time i thought i'd spend the rest of my life with? can't you see how this would be painful and difficult to see the two of you together in spite of that? how disrespectful it feels?"

she said no. she shook her head as if i was being ridiculous and incredibly annoying and she said that no, she didn't see what the big deal was. and when i asked her to try and put herself in my position and imagine if i had done the same thing to her when she and W broke up, how she'd have felt. she still didn't get it.

i was totally frustrated and angry all over again and i woke up feeling cranky.

i need to stop thinking about it and get back into the habit of replacing the negative thoughts with my happy mantra and get on with my life. i think i'm just stubborn though and it totally annoys me that they don't see the harm in what they're doing. that they think i'm the one causing all the problems. that i just need to accept it and get over it.

they're probably right. about the accepting and getting over it part, anyway. i guess the extra days off gave me extra time to brood and feel sorry for myself and the PMS is only compounding my self-pity. i need to stop dwelling on it and get back on track and on with my life. i just need to put them behind me and move on. this is getting ridiculous!

"i release all bitterness and negativity from my heart and open it to receive peace and joy."

ironically, today's meditation is: gratitude.

On our path to the light, we often examine our growth with an eye to what we have yet to achieve. It is very important, however, to become aware of what we have already accomplished...Sense and visualize all the wondrous things that have happened, all the gifts you now have in your life, and give thanks for each of them with the whole of your heart. "I am grateful!"

yeah, so i need to stop focusing on negativity and recognize all of the good things i have in my life and the progress i am making towards becoming a better person. i'm trying. i really am trying to evolve and move on and become a better, happier, more positive and hopeful person.

it's just this damn PMS throwing a wrench in the works and putting me off my game. i'll get through it.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

cold poem - a poem by mary oliver

cold now.
close to the edge. almost
unbearable. clouds
bunch up and boil down
from the north of the white bear.
this tree-splitting morning
i dream of his fat tracks,
the lifesaving suet.

i think of summer with its luminous fruit,
blossoms rounding to berries, leaves,
handfuls of grain.

maybe what cold is, is the time
we measure the love we have always had, secretly,
for our own bones, the hard knife-edged love
for the warm river of the i, beyond all else; maybe

that is what it means the beauty
of the blue shark cruising toward the tumbling seals.

in the season of snow,
in the immeasurable cold,
we grow cruel but honest; we keep
ourselves alive,
if we can, taking one after another
the necessary bodies of others, the many
crushed red flowers.

journal entry seventy-two...

i really hate J for hurting me and i'm still totally disgusted by this whole thing.

sometimes i think maybe i'll be friends with him again someday; that i'll get over the pain and disappointment and move beyond all of this towards forgiveness and acceptance and love. but the thing is, why would i want to be friends with someone who could do something so cruel and disrepectful to me? i wouldn't put up with it from other people so why would i put up with it from him?

and it really irks me that he thinks this is all because i'm heartbroken that he found someone else when that's totally NOT it. i'm heartbroken that he would pick one of my FRIENDS and that one of my FRIENDS would pick him. i'm hurt and disappointed and disgusted by the whole thing.

they're both so selfish and hurtful and cruel. i don't want them back in my life after this. by the time i get over it to the point of forgiving them enough to be friends again it will be so far from now that we won't have anything in common anymore anyway. when i no longer care enough to be hurt i'll no longer care enough to be friends either.

funny how that works.

in other's words eight...

"...for ultimately, and precisely in the deepest and most important matters, we are unspeakably alone; and many things must happen, many things must go right, a whole constellation of events must be fulfilled, for one human being to successfully advise or help another." - rainer maria rilke (letters to a young poet)

journal entry seventy-one...

i'm restless.

i tried to watch the movie but couldn't concentrate. then i tried to start a new book but my mind kept wandering so i put it down and washed the dishes instead. now the dishes are done, the house is clean and i'm bored out of my mind but not in the mood to do anything.

i'm still feeling bloated from thanksgiving. i think i must've eaten an extra ten pounds or something. i hope my pants aren't too tight tomorrow and that i can drop the extra baggage by getting back to my routine next week.

it's weird but sometimes i look forward to going back to work. when i have too many days off in a row i feel out of sorts and distracted. i also end up spending too much money and overeating out of boredom. i really need to get my shit together.

i can barely even concentrate on this entry. ugh.

i don't believe in the sun - lyrics by the magnetic fields

they say there's a sun in the sky
but me, i can't imagine why
there might have been one
before you were gone
but now all i see is the night

so i don't believe in the sun
how could it shine down on everyone
and never shine on me
how could there be
such cruelty

the only sun i ever knew
was the beautiful one that was you
since you went away
it's nighttime all day
and it's usually raining too

so i don't believe in the sun
how could it shine down on everyone
and never shine on me
how could there be
such cruelty

the only stars there really are
were shining in your eyes
there is no sun except the one
that never shone on other guys
the moon to whom the poets croon
has given up and died
astronomy will have to be revised

i don't believe in the sun
how could it shine down on everyone
and never shine on me
how could there be
such cruelty

journal entry seventy...

i'm still feeling a little blue today.

i woke up feeling okay but i turned kind of bummed again and now i have a bit of a headache. i decided to watch "the princess bride" to see if it can cheer me up.

inconceivable or as i wish?

"no more rhymes now and i mean it!"
"anybody want a peanut?"

hee. we're off to a good start.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

journal entry sixty-nine...

sometimes i just feel so old and tired. wired. uninspired. overfired as martha would say.

i realize that i am still relatively young and that i have my whole life ahead of me, but sometimes it feels like i've already screwed everything up too badly. i feel like the window of opportunity was wide open a decade ago but i chose door number 3 instead and got stuck with this stupid goat. now it's the sound of that wont-wah horn everytime i wake up.

i'd just really like to start over right now. from the beginning of my life, when it really started in 1990. i'd like to be that girl all over again, but with the wisdom i possess now and all the love and compassion i have for the young, innocent me that i didn't have then. for the young me that had no one to turn to and who turned a hard face to the sweetness she possessed then and longed for the day she would be stronger. harder. colder. the day that no one could touch her or make a dent in the shell that divided her from the world.

and then suddenly it's half a lifetime later and i can't even touch that girl i once was. i don't even know where to look. but it's what i wished for: to be strong and tough and invincible. to not let anyone in or give them a chance to hurt me. it's hard to kill what isn't alive.

i miss that young girl i used to be. the one who used to believe in everything. the one who knew it was practically impossible, but who knew that practicality wasn't possible anyway. she was sweet and innocent and naive, but that's what made her beautiful. where the hell is all that beauty now?

Friday, November 25, 2005

journal entry sixty-eight...

i had such a nice time with CA and CL and EM and TO. TO is so sweet and always tells me how much she loves me and that i'm her "adopted daughter", the "perfect one she always wished for". flattery will get you everywhere, lady. and so will those fabulous sweet potatoes!

dinner was delicious and afterward CA was a really good listener as she usually is. she was so sweet and supportive and totally on my side about everything. it was such a relief to be able to let it all out and tell someone about my sadness and disappointment and all of the crap that's been heaped upon me of late. and she reassured me that i'm not crazy or overreacting and that A and J are backstabbing fuckheads and H and J and K and all of those other losers are indeed losers. it was like a huge sigh of relief to be able to let it all out and have someone in my corner to say "you didn't deserve it, you are a good person and someday they will be sorry for hurting you."

i can always count on her. i really, really love her and i'm so grateful we're still so close after all these years. bestfriendclub fifteen years running.

it was a lovely, lovely thanksgiving and i'm so glad i spent it with them. also? the apple pie was my best one yet. all of that extra love really did the trick.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

she's a jar - lyrics by wilco

she's a jar
with a heavy lid
my pop quiz kid
a sleepy kisser
a pretty war
with feelings hid
she begs me not to miss her

she says forever
to light a fuse
we could use
a hand full of wheel
and a day off
and a bruised road
however you might feel
tonight is real

when i forget how to talk, i sing
won't you please
bring that flash to shine
and turn my eyes red
unless they close
when you click
and my face gets sick
stuck
like a question unposed

just climb aboard
the tracks of a trains arm
in my fragile family tree
and watch me floating inches above
the people under me

please beware the quiet front yard
i warned you
before there were water skies
i warned you not to drive
dry your eyes, you poor devil

are there really ones like these?
yhe ones i dream
float like leaves
and freeze to spread skeleton wings
i passed through before i knew you

i believe it's just because
daddy's payday is not enough
oh, i believe it's all because
daddy's payday is not enough

just climb aboard
the tracks of a trains arm
in my fragile family tree
and watch me floating inches above
the people under me

she's a jar
with a heavy lid
my pop quiz kid
a sleepy kisser
a pretty war
with feelings hid
you know she begs me not to hit her

journal entry sixty-seven...

thanksgiving edition.

babycat woke me up early this morning because although i may have the day off work, i don't have the day off from her ever lovin' stomach.

i filled her food dish and gave her fresh water and then i brushed her until she started bitching and tried to bite me. so now one side of her is soft and lovely and the other side is knotty and nappy. i didn't realize how badly she needed it until i saw all the hair clogging the brush. i have been a neglectful mother. i guess i'll try and get the other side later when she forgets and relaxes. she's too uptight and bitchy to try it now.

i prepped the apples for the pie last night so all i have to do is mix in the sugar, flour, butter and pumpkin pie spice and fill the shell. i'm glad i peeled and chopped last night because it took me over an hour. as soon as i finish my journal entry and do my morning stretches i'm off to finish the pie. i hope it's my best one yet. i'm going to bake it with extra love to be sure. i think the last one that turned out kind of lame was actually baked with no love. i was just doing it for myself as a trial for today and didn't give it any extra care so that could also be why it kind of sucked. besides the faulty apples i mean.

since it's thanksgiving and i've been such a sourpuss for the past few months i thought i would make a list of the positive things in my life and the things for which i'm truly happy and thankful. in no particular order:

* bright eyes, azure ray and the innocence mission - i only learned of them within the last year and their music has been the soundtrack to my life ever since.
* babycat - she'll be sixteen this summer and i don't know what i'd ever do without her. i hope i don't have to find out for many more years
* employment - even though it's not a dream job, i appreciate the consistent paycheck that gives me the freedom to live on my own in such a beautiful city.
* good health - all that breastfeeding my mom did really paid off because i am rarely sick and for the most part feel pretty good (physically) on a regular basis.
* my ipod - best invention ever. thank you apple! it has truly changed my life and given me countless hours of joy. even when i'm feeling horrible, having the ability to immediately find the perfect "misery loves company" song to help me feel even worse is the best thing ever.
* the few friends that i do have who are truly good friends and people i can trust and count on.
* feminism - although enlightenment is also painful, feminism has had an incredibly positive influence on my life.
* my mom - it's difficult and it's going to take many years and a lot of work, but i'm glad we're making the step toward repairing our relationship.
* good weather - if i believed in god i'd thank her for keeping the cold and the snow far from me.
* volunteering - i've met a lot of great people and learned so much about myself and others. out of everything, it's probably had the biggest, most positive impact on my life.

that's all i can think of at the moment and i have to get the pie in the oven so i'll end there for now. i'll add more when i think of them because i know i've got much more to be thankful for. and maybe it'll help me not be such a crybaby when it's all laid out in front of me: how fortunate i truly am.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

you will be loved again - lyrics by mary margaret o'hara

how could he
take you in his arms and
help you free
then leave you forgotten
and is it enough to cry?
when you're so broken

her cold eyes
tell you you're not welcome
she keeps lies
but you'll take her back again
and is it enough to die?
when you're so taken

you will be loved again
you will be loved again

but will sing
and will dance
and will forever

sometime you will
feel love so deep
and you'll find someone
not lost in sleep

you will be loved again
you will be loved again

journal entry sixty-six...

i wonder if J is going to spend thanksgiving with A and her family. i wonder if they've all met yet. and i wonder if when they did/do her parents will ask "now how did you two meet?" and J can say, "oh, i used to date A's friend broken ladder. i've known A almost as long as broken ladder and i dated since she was the one who introduced us." and then everyone at the table can reflect on how fucked up that is and lose their appetites.

backstabbery does not go well with dinner.

randomness forty...

it was really awesome though how they had joel from brian jonestown massacre on the gilmore girls last night. especially since lane's band got into a bjm stage fight with zach pulling an anton and ruining their chances of getting signed as joel stood off to the side just like he used to in the good ol' bjm days.

dig! indeed.

in other's words seven...

"the true nature of human relationships," he told her, "is that in the good ones people assuage each other's hurt, and in the bad ones they open wounds." - william wall (alice falling)

journal entry sixty-five...

i've been trying not to think about J or A at all, even though they do crop up in my thoughts regularly. it's less frequent than it was though, so that's something. now when they do i just stop the thought immediately and think about something else. like whether or not i have enough brown sugar for my pie or if i should make a new holiday cd mix to send to the 4 or 5 people i'm still friends with. it seems to be working although i still haven't checked the status on the brown sugar nor have i decided whether or not i'm going to make a holiday mix. for now those are just distractions, not really issues i'm all that concerned about answering.

there is a part of me that wants to forgive and forget and just put the whole thing in the past and reach out to J and tell him that it's cool between us and that i'm willing to make amends and do what needs to be done to repair the friendship. there's another less evolved part of me though, that doesn't want to make amends and wants to punish him by withholding love and friendship from him. a part that wants him to be sad and anxious and worried that he'll never hear from me again. the thing is though, that i don't know how he feels since i'm not speaking to him so he could very well be thinking "whatever. i said i was sorry and that's really all i can do so..."

i suppose i will evolve entirely at some point and i will reach out to him to rekindle our friendship, but right now i'm still too bitter and angry and it would only end in frustration and tears all over again. i need to allow myself to fully recover. these things take time. you can't fake forgiveness.

also, although i have technically forgiven A, i have no intention of ever re-establishing our friendship. there's a deeper sense of betrayal and pain there. i expected more from her. i guess i expect that men will always let you down in the end whenever their dick is involved, but with women it's different. we're supposed to look out for one another and protect each other's hearts and self-esteem. we are not supposed to contribute to one another's suffering.

anyway, i'm making progress. slowly. day by day. but like i said, these things take time. you can't fake forgiveness.

anew day - lyrics by mary margaret o'hara

though they're tears round your heart
and your eyes are of stone
every bright star
will pale when you come home
though the ground is wet with sorrow
it will always look that way
everyone walk in brightness
cause it's anew day
anew day

spring and the rose again
will see the living end
when your heart is sick with wonder
at a long and lonely way
walk in brightness
cause it's anew day
anew day

oh dream of mine
not lost in sleep
i'll call you down
with the love you don't give words to
with the love you give away
everybody walk in brightness
cause it's anew day
anew day

is it better to
disappear
than just to stand so near a hole?
when your own hand won't recognize
your face
makes you maybe go someplace

with the tears round your heart
and the stone in your eyes
look out your change of heart
and look at the same skies
over ground wet with sorrow
that will always look that way
everybody walk in brightness
it's anew day
anew day

you and the rose again
will be the living end
when your heart is sick with wonder
at the long and lonely way
walk in brightness
cause it's anew day
anew day

today's horoscope...

What does the future hold? It holds a promise of a time when the present will be the past. Nothing lasts forever. The good and the bad alike must always end. While, though, the good can be preserved through memory, the bad can be forgotten. There are factors in your life now which seem less than ideal. The sooner you get to the future, the sooner they'll be history - at which point you can choose whether to treasure or abandon them. Keep busy at today. This will hasten your journey forward in time. Between now and mid-December amazing changes are possible.

keep busy at today. be here now. don't rush through this life because the present will be the past soon enough. etc.

journal entry sixty-four...

i lived with a new family who had just bought an old farmhouse out in the middle of nowhere.

i have no idea who the family was, but they had a lot of kids and i was kind of worried that i would get lost in the crowd. i decided to explore the new surroundings on my own.

the backyard was really big with two huge oak trees, both of which had tire swings on them. there was also a place for a bbq pit and a picnic table and then suddenly everyone else was there and we were all really excited about all the fun we were going to have.

i kind of wandered off from the rest of them and went further back into the woods which actually opened up into these amazings ruins. it was breathtakingly beautiful and i couldn't believe how lucky we were to get such a fantastic new home with so many hidden treasures for so little money.

the ruins were incredible. there were parts that were all green and lush and looked like machu picchu and other parts that looked like athens and still other parts that looked like the french quarter.

it had all been abandoned and forgotten about years before and i was excited at the prospects of all we could do with it.

the lighting was so beautiful as the fading sun peeked through the canopy of trees i decided i just had to capture it.

i ran back to the house to get my camera but got hungup talking to the mom of the house or something and by the time i was able to get back to the ruins the sun had faded and it wasn't quite as lovely. i decided to come back the next day for photos instead.

and then i woke up.

i'm not sure what that all symbolizes and it's kind of broad for the dream dictionary to interpret, but it is interesting that i keep having all of these dreams about living in a new house or with a new family and being really impressed when i look up at the sky. maybe it means i should start looking up more instead of always looking down. "look on the bright side" so to speak.

the ruins were really fantastic. i wish i could find a place like that in real life. so green and calm and peaceful. it was shady and cool and there weren't any bugs or anything. so quiet and surreal. i'm surprised there weren't any faeries hanging out there. or maybe there were but i just hadn't run into them yet.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

journal entry sixty-three...

i'm glad i baked that pie awhile back so i could master the one i'm taking to ca & cl's for thanksgiving.

i thought i had memorized how to do it, and although i mostly did, i used the wrong kind of apples and didn't cook it long enough so besides being rather tart, some of the apples were still crispy too. now i know what i'm doing though. 450° for 15 minutes and then 350° for an hour. covered.

i told mom about my disappointment with the apples i chose and she said "they have so many kinds of apples now! i remember when all we had were the red ones or granny smiths and we had to add extra sugar to make them sweet!" i could hear her slap her leg as she laughed at the absurdity of only two kinds of apples.

did they really used to only have two kinds of apples? is that possible? it's so weird to think that besides ipods, vcrs and caller id there also used to be a time of mediocre apple options. those times were known as "olden days".

i'm a fairly young woman and i'm still amazed at the stuff they come up with and how we ever managed without it. (hello internets!) but that whole apple thing? i truly appreciate the advancements because a fuji or a gala makes all the difference. a pink lady sure as hell ain't gonna cut it.

here's the recipe in case i need a cheat sheet:

7-8 apples ( fuji or gala) peeled and cut into bite sized chunks
1 cup of sugar ( 1/3 brown to 2/3 white)
pumpkin pie spice to taste
2 tbls flour
a few pats of butter
frozen pie shells

mix apples together with sugar, add pumpkin pie spice until it tastes right.

fill pie shell and cover with the other pie shell and cut some air holes in the top. bake uncovered at 450 for 15 minutes, remove and cover with aluminum foil and cook at 350 for another 50-60 minutes.

the end.

morning song - a poem by leonard cohen

she dreamed the doctors arrived
and severed her legs at the knee.
this she dreamed on a morning
of a night she slept beside me.

now i was not in this dream
or the cry of the amputee,
yet she told me this on a morning
of a night she slept beside me.

in other's words six...

and so the crush withered and died, the way things that aren't being fed usually do. - michelle tea (valencia)

first day of my life - lyrics by bright eyes

this is the first day of my life
i swear i was born right in the door way
i went out in the rain
suddenly everything changed they're spreading
blankets on the beach

yours is the first face that i saw
i think i was blind before i met you
i don't know where i am
i don't know where i've been
but i know where i want to go
so i thought i'd let you know
these things take forever, i especially am slow
but i realized how i need you
and i wondered if i could come home

i remember the time you drove all night
just to meet me in the morning
yeah i thought it was strange
you said everything changed
you felt as if you just woke up

and you said, "this is the first day of my life."
i'm glad i didn't die before i met you
now i don't care, i could go anywhere with you
and i'd probably be happy
so if you want to be with me
with these things there's no telling
we'll just have to wait and see
but i'd rather be working for a paycheck
than waiting to win the lottery

besides, maybe this time it's different
i mean, i really think you like me

journal entry sixty-two...

i don't know if the planets truly have moved into a better position for me or if it's the power of suggestion, but i am feeling starting to feel better; more hopeful.

last night i dreamt that i was friends with jeff tweedy and he was kind of flirting with me but we both knew we couldn't act on anything because we really loved his wife and kids and wouldn't want anything to interfere with that. we did take a nap together though and he held my hand close to his chest. when i woke from the nap he had turned into mark ruffalo and we were supposed to be getting ready for dinner. we were going to meet his wife at the restaurant inside the hotel we were staying at. it was strictly platonic, but there was some sexual tension going on which made me feel excited and hopeful. not because i thought he'd leave his wife for me, but because i felt like it was possible for someone to find me attractive. for someone to enjoy my company and think i was wonderful. we laughed a lot and i knew it was a friendship that would last a lifetime.

and then i woke up.

as rick springfield would say "what kind of fool am i?" even in my dreams i do the right thing. i totally could've been making out with jeff tweedy/mark ruffalo but i didn't because they're both married. ahh, well. i guess it's good to know that my integrity is soaked all the way through to my subconcious and that it's not all just some surface thing, for show.

i've got to find a celebrity crush who is single so i can have wild dreams without feeling guilty about it. if my romantic life is dead in reality, at least i can have a wild one in my dreams, right? uhm, right. psycho. is it healthy for a thirty-something woman to have celebrity crushes? i'm really not so sure. i definitely need to get out more.

A was in one of my dreams last night too. she was thinking about dropping out of school and i was trying to talk her out of it. telling her to stick with it and finish or she'd hate herself later. i was really sincere and wanted the best for her. of course, J made no appearance and i don't think he had anything to do with the dream. it was just me and A like it used to be, with her coming to me for advice and me giving it to her honestly and lovingly.

oh those were the days, huh?

anyway, for whatever reason, i am starting to feel a little bit better everyday. so i guess i have something to be thankful for after all.

Monday, November 21, 2005

a night like tonight - by me (broken ladder)

on this bright, clear night
the city twinkles and glows
blushes
at her own beauty

today's horoscope...

Imagine embarking on a magical mystery tour and then getting cross with the driver because you are not being taken down the roads you expect to be travelling down. That's a recipe for frustration. Imagine sitting on a boat, watching the waves and then trying to will them to go in another direction. That's a recipe for sea sickness. You are on a journey of discovery. That's why you are not entirely sure where you are going. If you knew that, it would hardly be a journey of discovery. Go along with what's going on. All is as it should be.

i need to "trust the natural flow of my life" and stop resisting what i don't know. i need to stop clinging to the past so i can be open to receive new, more timely gifts. gifts that are appropriate for the person i am now, for the person i am becoming.

i am hopeful and i believe that good thngs can and will happen for me.

"open," i say. how can we be whole together if you are not empty in the space i am to fill? - robert olen butler

journal entry sixty-one...

more dreams of traveling.

this time i was on a plane going somewhere with mom. we were both really excited, but i was quite worried too. i had this feeling that the plane was going to crash but i didn't say anything to mom or try to get off. i just sat there kind of worried but resigned to my fate and decided that if i was meant to survive i would and if i wasn't i wouldn't.

the dream book says that dreams of traveling or going on a journey "carries a sense of progress toward your professional or spiritual destination...a desire for change in some aspect of your life, a desire to move on."

so i guess that's a good sign. even my subconscious is starting to recognize my need to let this bitterness and sorrow go so that i can move on to bigger and better things. the pain is something to acknowledge and learn from but something that i need to set free so that i can make room in my life for success and joy. and love.

ah love. i keep forgetting about that. for some reason i skip over that part in my dreams and meditations. i think there is that part of me that really did believe that J and i would be together forever, that he was my last great love and when we broke up i resigned myself to being alone. the thing is though, I AM STILL YOUNG! my life is not over. it's not like i'm going to spend the next forty years isolated on this little isle of despair. eventually i'll be strong enough and brave enough to venture back out and meet new people again.

there is still hope for me. and there are plenty of good people and opportunities to go around. i didn't miss the boat, i'm just waiting for the next one to come in.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

optimistic man - a poem by nazim hikmet

as a child he never plucked the wings off flies
he didn't tie tin cans to cats' tails
or lock beetles in matchboxes
or stomp anthills
he grew up
and all those things were done to him
i was at his bedside when he died
he said read me a poem
about the sun and the sea
about nuclear reactors and satellites
about the greatness of humanity

in other's words five...

"by all outward appearances our life is a spark of light between one eternal darkness and another. nor is the interval between these two nights an unclouded day, for the more we are able to feel pleasure, the more we are vulnerable to pain - and, whether in background or foreground, the pain is always with us." - alan watts

randomness thirty-nine...

babycat just climbed up on the back of the couch to look out the window. she hasn't done that since we were in the old apartment. she's staring out there all intently even though i just looked out myself and there's really nothing to see.

for some reason this has made me all giddy and happy. i keep saying "ooh little babycat!" over and over again. i'm going to keep doing it until she looks at me.

poor babycat.

journal entry sixty...

last night i dreamed of a house with a retractable roof aka: the pathway to god.

it was a large, lovely house and i was staying there with a family i didn't really know very well. the father was showing me around and when we got to this large family room area he told me to "ask to see the face of god". as an atheist it was a little awkward for me but i did it anyway. "uhm, i would like to see the face of god, please." suddenly there was a huge creaking sound and then the sound of some machinery roaring to life. i looked up and the roof was opening up to expose the massive night sky. it really was quite spectacular and i was filled with this huge sense of good fortune and excitement at the opportunity to live in such a beautiful home.

i never saw the specific "face of god" but i didn't really feel let down or anything either.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

randomness thirty-eight...

i know i've said this before, but i LOVE "arrested development" so much. sometimes i laugh so hard i cry. and not in the scary, psycho, hysterical way either.

the writers for that show are amazing. i just can't believe it's getting canceled.

oh the humanity!

(and also, i LOOOOVVVVVVVVVE jason bateman!)

journal entry fifty-nine...

i just got back from planting trees in the neighborhood. it's the first time i've ever done it on my own. i was afraid i was going to be shy and anxious, but it was actually pretty fun.

i chose a group that was planting close to my apartment so i can see the new trees as i walk to and from work and monitor their progress. hopefully the neighbors will start to take a little pride in the neighborhood too and stop throwing their garbage in the street. we had to pick up a bunch of litter and random chicken bones and broken glass. this is certainly a neighborhood in desperate need of some beautification.

we planted a tree half a block from J's apartment which was kind of weird. i was worried he and A might come strolling down the sidewalk together arm-in-arm and i'd have to throw up a little bit. fortunately it didn't come to that. i'm sure they were still all cozied up in bed like the lazyasses they are while i was out doing my civic duty like the do-gooder i am. hee.

no, i'm not bitter. remember? i have released all bitterness and negativity from my heart so that peace and joy can enter. and stuff.

i was doing pretty good with the positive attitude and loving vibes and all that until some jackass dumped a bag of breadcrumbs on the curb and a shitload of pigeons descended on us. we're trying to plant trees and he pulls some shit like that. it was a bunch of wing flapping and probably a batch of hep c raining down on us in a flurry of toxic feathers. gag.

anyway, the kids in the group i was with were really sweet. they were a group of runaways who live at the youth shelter in the neighborhood. i bonded with a transgendered girl named julia and her friends diane and francisco. they were all really good workers and super cute. maybe i'll start volunteering there at the shelter instead of doing the senior center gig. old folks kind of weird me out anyway. even though i know i too will be one someday. and i'm sure i'll weird out a lot of people too. just as long as i don't end up smelling like pee i think i'll feel pretty good about myself.

but first i must answer the bell and pay the pizza man and then it's off to write something unsuckworthy. and maybe a little "bottle rocket" too. i do love me some owen wilson.

randomness thirty-seven...

and sometimes with greg when babycat would stay on the bed even when we were making love.

the week ahead horoscope...

When we look through old photographs, we have powerful reactions. They bring back memories good and bad - and they cause us to wonder where the time went. We try to imagine how we'd have felt if, back then, we knew where we were going to end up. It's a shame, really, that we can't send ourselves pictures 'back' from the future. Or... er.. can we? Recent alignments from Mars to Venus and Saturn suggest you're now getting a glimpse of the shape of things to come. If you think you can see something really inspiring, exciting and heartwarming in your future... you are right! Trust your most hopeful vision and you'll help turn it into a reality sooner than you think.

so, i guess that means i better get busy working on my book coz publishers are going to start beating a path to my door and ol' minute now.

i hope i can still find the time to fall in love amidst all this creative and literary success that's sure to follow.

come on up to the house - lyrics by tom waits

well, the moon is broken and the sky is cracked
come on up to the house
the only things that you can see is all that you lack
come on up to the house

all your crying don't do no good
come on up to the house
come down off the cross, we can use the wood
you gotta come on up to the house

come on up to the house
come on up to the house
the world is not my home
i'm just a-passing through
you got to come on up to the house

there's no light in the tunnel, no irons in the fire
come on up to the house
and you're singing lead soprano in a junkman's choir
you got to come on up to the house

does life seem nasty, brutish and short
come on up to the house
the seas are stormy and you can't find no port
got to come on up to the house, yeah

you gotta come on up to the house
come on up to the house
the world is not my home I'm just a-passing through
you got to come on up to the house, yeah

there's nothing in the world that you can do
you gotta come on up to the house
and you been whipped by the forces that are inside you
gotta come on up to the house

well, you're high on top of your mountain of woe
gotta come on up to the house
well, you know you should surrender, but you can't let it go
you gotta come on up to the house, yeah

gotta come on up to the house
gotta come on up to the house
the world is not my home I'm just a-passing through
you gotta come on up to the house

journal entry fifty-eight...

last night i dreamed that i lived closer to the bridge.

it was in some high rise with a lovely view of the water. the bridge looked different though. it was kind of round and bulky like a child's toy. it looked like giant bicycle chains looped together.

MY had come over to help me figure out my new camera and we heard a loud splash outside the window. we went to look and a car had somehow driven off the side of the bridge and landed in the water. it was a taxi i think.

the sky was incredibly blue.

MY was helping me adjust the lens setting so i could capture the scene more vividly. as i was trying to get the shot, another car drove off the side. and then another. and another. it seemed like the bridge had twisted or something and the barrier had disappeared so the people would drive off the side before they even knew what was happening.

some of the cars would sink automatically and i remember hoping the people had time to roll their windows down so they could escape. other cars became like speedboats and would just buzz through the water and on their way as if driving off a bridge was no big thing. i could even see some of the people laughing. one of the taxi drivers looked up at us and shook his fist as if we had something to do with it. or maybe he didn't like us gawking and taking pictures of his misfortune.

MY and i were both shocked and amazed but kind of giddy about the whole thing too. we just sat there, leaning over the back of the sofa watching the cars disappear into the water one after another.

Friday, November 18, 2005

journal entry fifty-seven...

i thought about it on my walk to work and decided that now is the time to be the better person.

i just sent A an email telling her that i forgive her and bear her no ill will. and although i don't entirely mean it at the moment, i said it in the hopes that putting it out there would make it come true.

i don't wish to re-establish a relationship with her, but i want to put this all behind me and move on with my life. if i keep holding on to this resentment i am holding on to her.

i must let go of it now if i am ever to find any peace.

friday poetry blogging - second edition...

i need a moment - by me (broken ladder)

i need a moment
to myself, please
a chance to gather
my thoughts
and put some distance
between me and doom

i need a moment
to myself, please
a chance to collect
my thoughts
and suspend disbelief
until i remember how to fly

today's horoscope...

because if it says something good it must be true.

We have been talking, this week, about humour and comedy. I have been deliberately raising the topic in an attempt to help lighten the rather sombre atmosphere that now seems to surround you. As Saturn relinquishes its grip on you this weekend, it will become easier for you to smile, laugh and joke. You will regain confidence and then you will remember that one factor lies at the essence of every successful move that a person can ever make. Timing. All you have to do is get that right.

sweet relief, you can't get here soon enough.

tell me about the forest you once called home - lyrics by dead can dance

farewell now my sister
up ahead there lies your road
and your conscience walks beside you
it's the best friend you'll ever know
and the past is now your future
it bears witness to your soul
make sure that the love you offer up
does not fall on barren soil

for the wind cries of late
in the whispering grass
our way of life is held
in the spinning wheels of chance.

i believe in the ways of an older law
when we used to dance to a different drum
and we are changing our ways
yes we are taking on different roads
tell me more about the forest
that you once called home

for the wind cries of late
in the whispering leaves
and the sun will turn to waste
the heavens we build above

father teach your children
to treat our mother well
if we give her back her diamonds
she will offer up her pearls

but i'm not bitter no i'm surviving
to face the world, to raise the future
so why don't you tell me, come on and tell me
about the world you left behind
come on and tell me

journal entry fifty-six...

it's kind of funny that A's email which i read as mean and spiteful is what spurred this abrupt change in me. what i interpreted as a painful insult about my character has really made me stop and consider. to ask myself: is this what i really want to be? do i want to be someone who sees only the dark, painfulness of life or do i want to be someone who also believes in the possibility of a bright, happy future? someone who shows the world that she is good and gentle and generous in spirit? someone worthy of receiving bountiful goodness and love?

i've decided to go with the latter.

i can't remember where i heard or read it, but this line has been running through my head a lot lately: at any moment you can become a better person. which moment will you choose?

wouldn't it be ironic (in that alanis morrisette kind of way) if i became a more complete and confident person due to the painful loss i'm going through now? that whole thing where once you stop clinging so tightly to what you're afraid to lose, your hands are free and open to receive new gifts.

it's worth a try, anyway.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

journal entry fifty-five...

i stopped at one of the shops in chinatown on my way home and picked up some items to help me along my path to zenlightenment. zentastichood.

i'm going to give the plant i have almost succeeding in killing to a neighbor who can revive it and i'll replace it with something more practical: an altar to honor my spirit and my will to make it through this thing alive.

it's not a big fancy altar or anything, just a little table with a lovely chinese placemat, some incense, idols, candles and a bundle of bamboo. i also have some personal items: a snowglobe to represent the city i love, a few lucky charms i've carried around all my life (lotta good that's done me), photos of me and of my parents, and a sealed envelope containing photos of the people i want to forgive and with whom i want to make peace.

i really do want to put this bitterness and pain behind me so i am going to make peace in my heart and mind with those who've hurt me. even those i don't intend to reconcile with or ever see again. i can forgive and move on without letting them back into my life to open old wounds. i will forgive them as i will forgive myself.

the altar will serve as a reminder of all that i have lost and of all i have yet to gain. i do have the power to heal, after all.

journal entry fifty-four...

my new mantra: i release all negativity and bitterness from my heart and open it to receive peace and joy.

whenever i have a troubled thought or feel sad or angry or resentful towards those who've hurt me, i'm not going to feed it. instead, i'm going to stop, acknowledge the thought, and then say to myself: i release all negativity and bitterness from my heart and open it to receive peace and joy.

so far i've said it around 450 times today. i think it's working though. less festering anxiety and more deep, cleansing breaths.

i'm totally not all zen and shit although it is something i'm working on. this morning i even busted out a new age book of daily meditations that i bought way back in '87 when my mentor was battling cancer for the umpteenth time and recommended it to me. (i wish she'd survived to make a few recommendations for me today. i sure do miss her sound and thoughtful advice.)

today's meditation was "i have the power to heal."

i said it a few times and wondered does it mean i have the power to heal myself or does it mean i can go all benny hinn on people and heal the shit out of them? i think it's a little of both.

so there we have it. i have the power to heal and i'm going to start by releasing all negativity and bitterness from my heart and opening it to receive peace and joy.

good on me.

the letter - lyrics by kristin hersh

september 29, 1984 dear so and so
gather me up because i'm lost
or i'm back where i started from
i'm crawling on the floor rolling on the ground
i might cry i won't go home
so here's the story
i am turning up in circles
and i'm spinning on my knuckles
don't forget that there are circles left undone
and very close to me
forgive me comfort me
i'm crawling on the floor rolling on the ground
there's a blanket wrapped around my head
i'm moving in a line that's shaped like this
i am holding in my breath i have a room
can you tell if i am lying
don't forget that i'm living inside
the space where walls and floor meet
there's a box inside my chest
an animal stuffed with my frustration
can you hear me?
don't forget that i'm alone when you're away
you make me act like other people do
forgive me comfort me you comfort me
you make me die i'm gonna cry i won't go home
don't kill the god of sadness
just don't let her get you down
see that man inside that book i read
can't handle his own head
so what the hell am i supposed to do?
i'd like to know how he died
my hands are shaking don't you love me anymore
i only need a person, keep my shoulders
stand around lie down
move your hand above the floor
gather me up because i'm lost
or i'm back where i started from
i'm crawling on the ground rolling on the floor
i'm gonna cry you look for me
love kristin, p.s. keep them coming

i think i understand - lyrics by joni mitchell

daylight falls upon the path, the forest falls behind
today i am not prey to dark uncertainty
the shadow trembles in its wrath, i've robbed its blackness blind
and tasted sunlight as my fear came clear to me

i think i understand
fear is like a wilderland
stepping stones or sinking sand

now the way leads to the hills, above the steeple's chime
below me sleepy rooftops round the harbor
it's there i'll take my thirsty fill of friendship over wine
forgetting fear but never disregarding her

oh, i think i understand
fear is like a wilderland
stepping stones and sinking sand

sometimes voices in the night will call me back again
back along the pathway of a troubled mind
when forests rise to block the light that keeps a traveler sane
i'll challenge them with flashes from a brighter time

oh, i think i understand
fear is like a wilderland
stepping stones or sinking sand

journal entry fifty-three...

i'm paraphrasing myself here, but it really is like all my hope has caved in.

the email from A really hurt me and put me in a brand new funk. it hurts that she has never even said she's sorry, but the things she said about me also hurt: that she wouldn't want to be friends with me anyway because i'm so bitter and toxic.

it hurts because it's true. i really am bitter and toxic right now and i don't want to be. i feel like it's their fault though, that she and J created this dark, deformed new version of me. that's not entirely true though. i hold the most responsibility for what i've become, what i'm turning in to. i obviously made the choice to feel so hurt and betrayed and bitter and injured by this thing. i decided to take it personally. i've allowed it to take over and isolate me and fill my apartment and notebooks with gloom. i made that choice on my own and i can make the choice to stop feeling this way and start feeling better. to move on.

i'm on the verge of tears all the time and i feel so week and vulnerable. i feel like everyone can tell - that anyone who looks at me can see that i'm the kind of girl that men abandon and betray, that women use and discard when the novelty wears off. i feel like everyone can sense that i'm bitter and hateful, vulnerable and needy. that i'm damaged. like i'll never find anyone again who will understand me. care about me. love me.

i worry about my future.

and i just keep thinking it's not fair! they're so mean and bad! why did they do this to me? i don't deserve it! that's what runs through my head on a loop pretty much nonstop. and the fact of the matter is that it's not helping. as true as it all may be, it doesn't change anything. what's done is done and there's no going back or undoing. the only thing i can do now is pick myself up, dust myself off, and get on with my life; the fabulous new life i've always dreamed of having. the trouble is i'm finding it difficult to get up. i'm all wobbly and disoriented and unsure. i don't really trust myself or my emotions or my decision making abilities. my confidence and sense of self, of who i am and what i'm worth has gone entirely out the window.

i really do want to feel good again. i really do want to let this anger and sorrow and bitterness go. i really do want to move on with my life and become a better person. a stronger, kinder, gentler me. i want to know who i am and believe in myself again. i want my hope back.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

journal entry fifty-two...

ack.

A just sent a snotty reply to the email i sent her last week and now i'm all pissed off and uptight again. and just when i was starting to let it go.

it was one of those asshole emails that's all passive aggressive by saying how she wishes only the best for me but then adding the little end bit of "because you're so bitter and horrible and i feel really sorry for you".

she didn't even say she was sorry for being such a backstabbing skank either. she basically just said she was sorry that i was so upset by it and she hopes i don't carry it around for the rest of my life because what an awful life that would be.

you don't know the half of it, lady.

i really wish she hadn't responded. that she'd just let my email (which wasn't HALF as horrible as the first one i wrote but didn't send) stay out there in limbo, unacknowledged but received loud and clear.

i guess i'm the one who will have to do that to hers instead. dammit. i hate to give other people the last word. especially when they're passive aggressive assholes who don't really wish me the best but only say that so they can feel like the better person.

but seriously now. it's done. overdonewithgone. i am not going to let this keep eating at me and killing my soul. those two assholes deserve each other. good riddance.

and now on with the show...

having it out with melancholy - a poem by jane kenyon

1) from the nursery
when i was born, you waited
behind a pile of linen in the nursery,
and when we were alone, you lay down
on top of me, pressing
the bile of desolation into every pore.

and from that day on
everything under the sun and moon
made me sad -- even the yellow
wooden beads that slid and spun
along a spindle on my crib.

you taught me to exist without gratitude.
you ruined my manners toward god:
"we're here simply to wait for death;
the pleasures of earth are overrated."

i only appeared to belong to my mother,
to live among blocks and cotton undershirts
with snaps; among red tin lunch boxes
and report cards in ugly brown slipcases.
i was already yours -- the anti-urge,
the mutilator of souls.

2) bottles
elavil, ludiomil, doxepin,
norpramin, prozac, lithium, xanax,
wellbutrin, parnate, nardil, zoloft.
the coated ones smell sweet or have
no smell; the powdery ones smell
like the chemistry lab at school
that made me hold my breath.

3) suggestion from a friend
you wouldn't be so depressed
if you really believed in god.

4) often
often i go to bed as soon after dinner
as seems adult
(i mean i try to wait for dark)
in order to push away
from the massive pain in sleep's
frail wicker coracle.

5) once there was light
once, in my early thirties, i saw
that i was a speck of light in the great
river of light that undulates through time.

i was floating with the whole
human family. we were all colors -- those
who are living now, those who have died,
those who are not yet born. for a few

moments i floated, completely calm,
and i no longer hated having to exist.

like a crow who smells hot blood
you came flying to pull me out
of the glowing stream.
"i'll hold you up. i never let my dear
ones drown!" after that, i wept for days.

6) in and out
the dog searches until he finds me
upstairs, lies down with a clatter
of elbows, puts his head on my foot.

sometimes the sound of his breathing
saves my life -- in and out, in
and out; a pause, a long sigh. . . .

7) pardon
a piece of burned meat
wears my clothes, speaks
in my voice, dispatches obligations
haltingly, or not at all.
it is tired of trying
to be stouthearted, tired
beyond measure.

we move on to the monoamine
oxidase inhibitors. day and night
i feel as if i had drunk six cups
of coffee, but the pain stops
abruptly. with the wonder
and bitterness of someone pardoned
for a crime she did not commit
i come back to marriage and friends,
to pink fringed hollyhocks; come back
to my desk, books, and chair.

8) credo
pharmaceutical wonders are at work
but i believe only in this moment
of well-being. unholy ghost,
you are certain to come again.

coarse, mean, you'll put your feet
on the coffee table, lean back,
and turn me into someone who can't
take the trouble to speak; someone
who can't sleep, or who does nothing
but sleep; can't read, or call
for an appointment for help.

there is nothing i can do
against your coming.
when i awake, i am still with thee.

9) wood thrush
high on nardil and june light
i wake at four,
waiting greedily for the first
note of the wood thrush. easeful air
presses through the screen
with the wild, complex song
of the bird, and i am overcome

by ordinary contentment.
what hurt me so terribly
all my life until this moment?
how i love the small, swiftly
beating heart of the bird
singing in the great maples;
its bright, unequivocal eye.

journal entry fifty-one...

i've got to start taking this writing business more seriously. no more screwing around. if i am going to exact my revenge by being a brilliant, successful and oft quoted writer, i need to get to work.

no more "king of queens" for me. no more "malcolm in the middle" reruns either. from here on out it's write, write, write, gilmore girls, write, write, write, everwood, write, write, write, cold case, and write, write, write some more.

i figure if i really commit myself and start writing dilligently now, i should have purged myself of all the crappy ridiculosity i now think of as "my art" and will indeed reach a higher level of skill much sooner.

and so it begins. for reals this time.

new resolution - lyrics by azure ray

follow blind
heavy eyes hold position
you were right on time
it was a lucky prediction
move on
move on

it's like the clock is pacing
the break of dawn
and our hearts are racing
move on
move on

no there's nothing changing
don't undermine
my new resolution
just to find
a different light a new direction
move on
move on

now the records skipping
i won't forget
i won't forget the way you said
move on
move on
there's no point in waiting

journal entry fifty...

"the most piercing pain we experience is when we lose that in which we wholeheartedly believed." - dokai georgesen, zen teacher

well, that just about says it all. and you'd think i would understand this by now and stop investing so much of my personal happiness in the outcome of other people's decisions. i have too many attachments to things over which i have no control.

i want to be all 'zen' and shit. i want to take deep, cleansing breaths and give thanks for the bad as well as the good because i'm so evolved i know that every experience makes me a stronger, better, more compassionate person. i want to look on the bright side and receive with open hands instead of resisting with clenched fists and all that.

part of my fear over this whole grieving process is that i'll lose what little is left of my innocence, of my belief in the goodness of people. i don't want to give up on that whole notion and be someone who expects the worst from people and is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. i would like to believe in the inherent goodness of people, of the world.

now just where in the hell to find these good people? this good world? because i've obviously been hanging out in the wrong clubs.

today i'm feeling okay. i know i've got a lot of work to do and that it's not going to be easy, but it will be worth it. i refuse to give up on my faith in people. i will trust and believe in someone again. this is a new beginning, it's not the end.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

journal entry forty-nine...

what would it be like to go to a shrink, i wonder.

i've thought about going but i'm a cheapskate and i don't wanna pay $150 an hour so someone can sit there and ask me what i think about what i just said or however they make it look all lame on tv shows and in movies. i'm afraid i'll get someone who'll tell me that i have an anger problem and that i need to deal with my unresolved abandonment issues and all that.

"don't you think i know that already?!" i'd say. "i'm not paying you $150 an hour to state the obvious, lady! i am a very sick woman and i need help. now get busy and fix me!"

and she'd say, "but broken ladder, i can't 'fix' you. you have to 'fix' yourself. i can only help you identify the problems and try to give you the tools you need to work them out yourself."

"well what the fuck am i paying you $150 an hour for if i'm the one doing all the work? it's a fucked up system if you ask me."

"i'm sorry you feel that way, broken ladder, but maybe we can work through some issues and help you feel better about that too."

"here's the deal, lady: i'm angry, i'm bitter, i'm insecure, i have abandonment issues that lead me to be withholding of affection and therefore sabotage my relationships. i see all that. now how can i stop doing all of that and be the person i want to be? and don't say be a better communicator because that right there is half the problem. if i wasn't insecure and bitter and everything else i could communicate better and if i could communicate better i wouldn't be so insecure and bitter and everything else."

"that's a very good point, broken ladder, but our time is up for today so we'll have to pick up there next week."

"what the? that wasn't even an hour. it was more like fifty minutes. this is bullshit. life is so unfair!"

"indeed it is. and maybe we can touch upon your persecution complex next time too. check, please."

(and scene)

i know what my problem is, i just don't know how to stop the inappropriate behavior. or maybe i do, but i want it to be easier.

because i am nothing if not lazy.

randomness thirty-six...

i'm doing pretty good today.

only thinking about it when i think about how i'm not thinking about it.

randomness thirty-five...

i read a lot as a child. i don't have any siblings and we moved a lot so i didn't have many friends. books were my primary companions. i remember one summer when i was twelve or thirteen i kept a log and read over 100 books.

the books that i loved the most as a child, the ones i still think about sometimes are these:

i am the cheese - robert cormier
the outsiders - s.e. hinton (actually, all of the s.e. hinton books)
dinky hocker shoots smack - m.e. kerr (actually all of the m.e. kerr books)
go ask alice - anonymous
remember me when i am dead - carol beach york
konrad - christine nostlinger
ghosts i have been - richard peck
ghost story - peter straub
papillon - henri charriere
are you there god? it's me, margaret - judy blume (actually, all of the judy blume books)
harriet the spy - louise fitzhugh
the encyclopedia brown series - donald j. sobel
the ramona series - beverly cleary
and of course, all of the shel silverstein books

things seemed so much easier back then. not as complicated and frustrating as being an adult.

i think i'm going to go to the library and reread all of these old favorites and see if i can recapture some of the innocence and simplicity of youth.

little victories - lyrics by matt nathanson

this time i'll be sailing
no more bailing boats for me
i'll be out here on the sea
just my confidence and me
and i'll be awful sometimes
weakened to my knees
but i'll learn to get by
on little victories

this time i'll have no fear
i'll be standing strong and tall
turn my back towards them all
and i'll be awful sometimes
weakened to my knees
but i'll learn to get by
on little victories

and if the world decides to catch up with me
it's just a little victory

journal entry forty-eight...

well what do you know about that? i finally woke up feeling okay.

i think going off on J and finally telling him everything that had been on my mind instead of harboring it inside and allowing it to continue festering was a real lifesaver. i feel such a sense of relief and calm.

we really had it out and now that i've gotten it out of my system i feel like i can finally start to get on with my life, like i can finally breathe again. i hope it's not just some trick my mind is playing on me and that i'm going to feel like shit again tomorrow. i'm really ready to be done with all of this and have some peace and joy in my life again.

i believe it's going to last this time. i've got to believe in something.

Monday, November 14, 2005

randomness thirty-four...

one of these days i'm going to look back on all of this and wonder why i even cared. maybe i'll even laugh about it and at the me now, who will be a different me then, when i'm looking back laughing.

that's something for which to aspire: to be the woman who looks back and gets a good chuckle out of the tragedies of her youth.

in other's words four...

i give it to you not that you may remember time, but that you might forget it now and then for a moment and not spend all your breath trying to conquer it. - william faulkner

hear no drum - lyrics by jeremy lindsay

aw no no no no, you don't have to go
stay a little while with your friends
ends they come too soon, but if they didn't who
would ever remember them?
well i think we'll never ever have another time like this
this wine, this weed, this expectancy
of easy and sorrowless days

everybody's been handpicked, to keep off each other's sickness
any sickness of heart and mind
by the grace of these four walls, we will not allow
any fear or doubt inside
by candlelight and halogen i saw us standin' - all us oak trees and gold lions
all that love and pride, grown side by side like
roses and dandelions

i don't wanna go, i don't wanna go
at all at all at all, i don't want to leave - i don't want to leave
i know, i know, i know - we gotta be gettin' on, gettin' on

look at lucy baltimore, what's not to adore?
she's as pretty as a crescent moon
and if you're feeling good, she'll tell you that you should
'cause things are gonna be even better soon
she said "i call you all my sisters and my brothers" -
and then she dropped her glass, somebody called a cab
and they carried her out the door

muscle to the bone, red lips to the moan
red blood, red blood to the vein
the simple understanding that great joy is nothing more
than the time before great pain
the faces of these people all around me
hungry but painted with hope
they love everyone, they hear no drum
they fear no hangman's rope

journal entry forty-seven...

zoinks.

J just sent me an email trying to be all casual and easy going like nothing ever happened and we're still the best of friends.

so i of course overreacted and replied with an incredibly harsh, scathing email about what a fuckhead he is and what a backstabbing skank she is and how they both make me sick.

so i guess that's that. i doubt i'll be hearing from him again anytime soon. it did feel good to just let it rip though. to go fucking off on that jerk and really give him a piece of my mind.

(i hope it was the infected piece and that i can get on with my life now.)

goodbye california - lyrics by jolie holland

i’m pre-meditating crime of a personal kind
i’m about to go out of my mind
i’m just about sick to death of taking breath
and walking this line of mine
now, folks that know what’s good for them
are good at ignoring them
but i just can’t put these thoughts down
i’m harrowed and abused
and broken and pursued
by this notion that follows me around

my heart is hurting
my spirit’s burdened
i feel like a liar and a thief
for taking air
for being here
unwanted
i look for my final release

goodbye, goodbye, california
goodbye and i’ll be moving on
i sang you my songs
i know i’m wrong
fare thee well
and i’ll be moving on

when i’m dead and gone
my immortal home
will hold me in its bosom
safe and cold
no more desires
will light their fires
or disturb my immaculate calm
and the birds of the air
and the beasts of the soil
and the fishes of the desperate seas
will know who i am
and our substance will expand
as part of everything

as part of everything, my god
as part of everything
and the clouds will roll
and the wind will blow
and the beautiful birds will sing

goodbye, goodbye, california
goodbye to your waving trees
to you succulent wind
and all my friends
fare thee well
goodbye
so be it
amen
amen

randomness thirty-three...

grasping at anything just to hold on
to keep the sorrow from strangling any hope
that might show up

it's another lovely, sunny day
and surely that must count for something.

farewell to the old me - lyrics by dar williams

how can i ask love to hold the mystery
when just look at me
it's all push and pull collateral
i don't want to be the one who gets the next surprise
i'll plan it out this time
though i used to think that things were meant to be

so farewell to the old me
farewell to the old me
my life is working better now
it's always changing anyhow

i danced a lot of nights until the grass was wet
it wasn't over yet
'round 'bout 3 a.m. you made a friend
and i followed a lot of vital crazy thoughts
because it's where the meaning was
and i tried to find it every other way

so farewell to the old me
farewell to the old me
my life is getting better now
but always changing anyhow

but i can turn on the charm
show them nothing more
than what i've done before
it's nothing much new
but it'll do
'cause i don't wanna be the one who makes you laugh out loud
i wanna make you proud
and you always said you knew what i could be

so farewell to the old me
farewell to the old me
farewell to the old me
my life is working better now
but always changing anyhow
time
and the old me
farewell to the old me
farewell...

journal entry forty-six...

i'm just so tired of waking up bummed out.

last night i was having these lovely dreams with no signs of J or A to bring me down. i was feeling really happy and hopeful. and then i woke up. about an hour before my alarm went off i woke up and remembered to be sad and disappointed and although i kept trying to put it out of my mind and think of happy things, it didn't work. i wasn't able to fall back to sleep and instead tossed and turned trying to shake the negative, sad thoughts out of my head to no avail.

why can't i be more evolved than this? why can't i just forgive and forget? bygones?

it's all so very tedious and boring. and it hurts and i'm just so very tired of it. how can i make it stop? how can i just get to the point of acceptance and move on with my life? i'm wasting so much time fretting and grieving. it just really sucks being depressed and worried and so fucked up. i want to get past this. i want to feel hopeful again. i want to believe that there's something good out there for me. that it's on the way.

because this entire year so far has been for shit.

today's horoscope...

it's funny how i never believe in this stuff until i'm in the middle of a crisis and/or they say something i want to hear.

today:
You can have many of the things you want. What you can't do, quite so easily, is rid yourself of many of the things you don't want. You may have to accept some of these, at least for the time being. That's not, I know, what you were hoping to hear. But I can add something that may cheer you up. Attached to several apparent problems and difficulties now, are potential blessings of a real and rare kind. These may yet enable you to get something you really, really want, yet had begun to feel totally unattainable.

this week:
Mars remains retrograde. Some astrologers compare this to driving down a motorway. They say it's like heading down the right road but going south when you want to get north. Sometimes, though, there is a lot to be said for retracing your steps. If, for example, you have just passed a restaurant and you happen to be starving, and the next one is many miles ahead, then it makes sense to turn towards the nearest source of food. Mars, this week, forms a delightful alignment to Venus. Once you come under the spell of this influence, you will feel far too happy, satisfied, excited and inspired to care which direction you are supposed to be going in.

i've been so tired and blue for so long. i just really need something to believe in. i need to believe that there's light at the end of this tunnel and that it's not a fucking train. i want to be happy again. i want to believe in something good. please, please, please let me have something good. it's been such a long, long time.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

journal entry forty-five...

i think i'm forgetting how to be with people. i haven't spent any time with anyone else since this all happened. it's been almost a month since i've had any interaction with any other people besides the grocery store checker and my boss. anytime anyone calls me i just sit there while the answering machine gets it and feel all weird and stressed out. i think i need to get out more. if i keep this up i'm going to turn into the crazy cat lady who scares all her neighbors and smells like pee.

good lord.

randomness thirty-two...

arrested development is the best show ever. i can't believe they're cancelling it. i just hope they put season three on DVD at least. please, please, please.

they don't do that though, do they? and now we'll never know how it turns out. dammit!

i love jason bateman. i wish i was fifteen again and could put a poster of him up on my wall.

berkana: growth, rebirth, birch tree...

another of the cycle runes, berkana represents a form of fertility that fosters growth both symbolically and actually. the growth may occur in affairs of the world, family matters, the relationship to the self to the Self or to the divine.

a rune that leads to blossoming and ripening, berkana is concerned with the flow of beings into their new forms. its action is gentle, penetrating and pervasive.

what is called for here is to consider your issue with care and awareness. first disperse resistance, then accomplish the work. for this to happen, your will must be clear and controlled, your motives correct. any dark corners should be cleansed; this must be carried out diligently and sometimes with expert help. modesty, patience, fairness and generosity are called for here. once resistance is dispersed, and rectification carried out and seen to hold firm, then through steadfastness and right attitude, the blossoming can occur.

journal entry forty-four...

yesterday i felt fine. pretty good even. i hardly thought about it at all, but today i woke up sad and the sense of loss has overwhelmed me again. the disappointment.

i feel like there's no one in the world i can turn to, no one in the world i can trust.

i hate them both for hurting me like this and i hate myself for not being able to move past it.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

after hours - lyrics by the velvet underground

one, two, three

if you close the door
the night could last forever
leave the sunshine out
and say hello to never

all the people are dancing
and they're having such fun
i wish it could happen to me

but if you close the door
i'd never have to see the day again

if you close the door
the night could last forever
leave the wine-glass out
and drink a toast to never

oh, someday i know
someone will look into my eyes
and say hello
you're my very special one

but if you close the door
i'd never have to see the day again

dark party bars, shiny cadillac cars
and the people on subways and trains
looking gray in the rain,
as they stand disarrayed
oh, but people look well in the dark

and if you close the door
the night could last forever
leave the sunshine out
and say hello to never

all the people are dancing
and they're having such fun
i wish it could happen to me

cause if you close the door
i'd never have to see the day again
i'd never have to see the day again,
once more
i'd never have to see the day again

her laughing - by me (broken ladder)

i hear laughter
outside my window
and imagine it's her
down there giggling
grabbing your jacket
and pressing her face
into your chest

you kiss her forehead

i'm alone
when i exercise this way
imagining any laughter
out there as hers

and rage
against this darkness

until i stop
get up
to pour myself
another glass of wine

rest your eyes - lyrics by azure ray

you said to write you a song
so here, this is for you
now as you toss through those lonely nights
just know there is someone thinking of you
everyone is waiting for the timing to be right
and we hope it's coming soon
so just rest your eyes and then...
you'll be in love again
we talked and the moon was bright
your words were glowing as they drifted out of sight
but now the change of the seasons
sets in and nothing, nothing feels just right
we fear these nights and then we compromise
yeah, but morning always comes
so just rest your eyes and then...
you'll be in love again

randomness thirty-one...

"donnie darko" is one of the very best movies ever. i've seen it a million times and i always catch something new with each viewing.

also? jake gyllenhaal is hot.

Friday, November 11, 2005

that's the way - lyrics by tom waits

that's the way the stomach rumbles
that's the way the bee bumbles
that's the way the needle pricks
that's the way the glue sticks
that's the way the potato mashes
that's the way the pan flashes
that's the way the market crashes
that's the way the whip lashes
that's the way the teeth knashes
that's the way the gravy stains
that's the way the moon wanes

randomness thirty...

i'm going to stop at the grocery store on my way home from work to buy apples and a pie shell. then i'm going to make an apple pie without looking at the recipe.

i've memorized all the steps by now.

friday poetry blogging - first edition...

another winter - by me (broken ladder)

it's raining again
during this winter
of my disease

and i sit quietly
inside
remembering

the times you held me
the times you told me
that you loved me

and all of the times
i believed you.

randomness twenty-nine...

when i first moved out here i had never seen a pigeon before. i remember sitting on a bench downtown admiring them and thinking how pretty they were with their iridescent feathers. what sweet sounds they made to each other, almost like they were purring. that was in the 'burbs though. where the pigeons (and the sidewalks) are much cleaner.

oh-ho-ho how the times have changed.

i was bombarded by them on my way to work this morning when some jackass threw the rest of his bagel on the ground and they all came swarming from miles around.

disgusting little buggers, them. hobbling around eating the skin off of discarded chicken wings. their very own brothers and sisters. sort of.

it's alright - lyrics by big head todd and the monsters

you can turn back the tide of the cold tears from your eyes,
the pangs of wounded pride if you hold me.
did someone do you wrong yeah,...good lovin's good as gone.
maybe you ain't as strong as you wanna be.

it's alright if you don't wanna go home.
it's alright if you don't wanna be alone.
it's alright if you don't wanna go home.
i understand.

nothin' stays if it's gotta go.
you can't get water from a stone.
sometimes you've got to think about
the things you're gonna love.

it's alright if you don't wanna go home.
it's alright if you don't wanna be alone.
it's alright if you don't wanna go home.
i understand.

now that you're doing alright.
you're pretty much outta sight.
i don't see you knockin' 'round my door anymore.
i'm glad to hear you're doing well.
but i know that time will tell.
only when you're broken down,
is that what friends are for?

it's alright if you just wanna go home.
it's alright if you just wanna be alone.
it's alright if you just wanna go home.
i understand.

journal entry forty-three...

i got home from work last night and there was a card from J saying how sorry he is to have hurt me and how much he cares about me and loves me and values my friendship.

it was nice to get a little validation, to know that he was thinking of me and missing me and feeling like an asshole. because he is. the thing is, he didn't say he plans to stop doing the thing that is hurting me though so really, what's the point? if you're sorry, don't you usually stop the offending behavior?

and the thing is, it's not that he's dating someone else. the issue is that he is dating someone i used to consider a very close friend. someone i had even confided in about problems with J when we were still together. i told her deeply personal things about our relationship and it just grosses me out that now she's in there. and is she telling him all of the things i told her? is she not only betraying my trust by dating him but by actually giving away all of my secrets too? is she using the things i told her to make herself appear better? to make me look worse?

it's that it begs comparison. if he had picked someone new, someone i didn't know, who didn't know me, it would be different. i wouldn't feel threatened by what she knows. i wouldn't feel like i was competing with her because i wouldn't feel like she was able to use what she'd learned from me to make me look bad and herself look better. i wouldn't feel insecure that he might be telling one of my friends how much better he likes her, how much more he loves her, how much prettier and smarter and funnier and skinnier and lovelier she is than i. if he said it to a stranger it wouldn't matter as much. it's that she was a friend and now she has an advantage over me. an unfair advantage. and she can think she's better than me.

and also, it just grosses me the fuck out. she is fucking my old boyfriend. it just seems so incestuous. and disgusting. and desperate. like they couldn't find anyone new? losers.

anyway, that's where i am today. trying to take deep breaths: out with the dark energy, in with the light. out with the bad and in with the good.

i don't want to be bitter anymore. i don't want to be hurt or sad or angry. i want to get past all of this and move on but it's so difficult. the anger just keeps seething in there or something will happen and set it all off again. i need a distraction, something new to focus on. maybe i'll write a short story. where the two main characters are backstabbing jerks who are also lovers. and then they die.

and then i can have a little ceremony and put this all to rest and get thee behind me satan.