Tuesday, November 29, 2005

journal entry seventy-five...

last night i dreamt i ate about a million ice cream cones.

i can't remember where i was or why, but there were several ice cream machines and we were being taught how to make a good cone. i kept demonstrating and then i'd eat my creation. it was so yummy, i was in heaven. there was chocolate and vanilla and orange and raspberry and swirls and all sorts of delicious flavors. i just kept making them and making them and eating them and eating them. only after about the eighth one did i start to feel guilty and bloated.

before that dream i'd woken myself up from a nightmare with a scream. it wasn't a real scream, more of a deep panting grunt, but it woke me up none the less. in the nightmare i had a bunch of cash on me and i had to get it to someone but in order to do so i had to run through a dark, scary parking garage. i was running as fast as i could and then these two people started chasing me. i was staying ahead of them until i came to a dark staircase and couldn't see to get down it. i was afraid i'd break my neck if i tried to run and i woke with a scream when they caught up to me and one grabbed me.

i'm glad i woke up and didn't have to see what became of me. i don't think it would have been anything good. finishing up the night with an ice cream fest was a much better way to wake up.

so i decided to be happy today. i decided to take everything as a good omen instead of a bad omen. the fact that it's raining outside? good omen. the rain is washing away all of my bitterness and negativity to make way for bright new joy. the fact that i still don't have a raincoat? no problem. i will make do with what i have because i'm not materialistic.

see how that works? i look at the things that would normally bum me out and i try and put a positive spin on it and hopefully i will eventually believe it. it's worth a try anyway.

i finished reading "letters to a young poet" again last night and a lot of different things stuck with me than the last time i read it. i guess because i've got different heartaches and goals than the last time. this time what struck me was his insistence that kappus embrace his solitude and sadness and fears as gifts to be experienced rather than troubles to be avoided.

"you must realize that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall. why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don't know what work these conditions are doing inside you? why do you want to persecute yourself with the question of where this is all coming from and where it is going? since you know, after all, that you are in the midst of transitions and you wished for nothing so much as to change."

it was like he was speaking directly to me. and although it doesn't change the feelings and troubles i'm dealing with now, it puts them into perspective and makes me respect them for what they are and for what i'll become from having survived them.

anyway, i just want to stop being so negative and bitter and i guess this is a way. if i can't change the things around me, at least i can change myself and the way i react to them. this has just been such a difficult year for me. i guess that means i'm undergoing huge changes and the woman i'll be at the end of all this will be someone amazing and fantastic indeed.

and maybe if i say it to myself a million times, one day i'll truly believe it.

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