Wednesday, November 30, 2005

journal entry seventy-seven...

well would you look at that? another month down in the blink of an eye. time certainly does fly the older i get.

last night was a hectic dream night and fortunately none were nightmares. i had one dream where i was in the top of this very tall tree and i was sitting on a branch when one of my friends (who i don't recognize from real life) climbed onto a branch above me but his branch was weaker and started to creak as if it was going to break. somehow this effected my branch too and i was afraid i was going to fall but he moved in time and i didn't.

in another dream i was back in my old hometown at the city swimming pool (which i never went to and in fact don't know that we even had one) and was reminiscing with RI and wishing JO was still around. then i was wandering through a school and kept getting lost but not scared or anything. eventually i wandered into the gymnasium and they were having a flea market or something and i felt bad for a woman who was selling her wedding china because she was desperate. she assured me that she would be rolling in money soon though.

oh! i did just remember a sort of scary one. i was wandering through some corner market in a random town and it was some kind of blackmarket place. they had been busted for selling child porn a few months earlier but the guy working there told me it was safe now and to go ahead and check it out. it was really dirty and cluttered and unpleasant. i walked through and they had so much weird stuff: really old porn magazines, dusty cans of food, old games with missing pieces. the grossest thing though was this dart board that had human penises pinned to it with darts. it scared the crap out of me and i hightailed it out of there. creepy.

in another dream i felt a pregnant woman's belly. she was getting ready to give birth and she was so happy and excited about it. i could feel the baby's elbow poking her stomach and then i could hear the baby calling out for her mother. i was shocked at how loud it was and then the woman smiled and handed me her little girl who was around two. apparently she'd been holding her too and i didn't notice.

anyway, it was a mish mash of dreams and i'm not sure what any of them mean but at least they weren't scary like the night before.

i really am making an effort to be positive and happy and to be grateful for all of the experiences in my life, not just the good ones. every experience makes me who i am so i must love all of them if i am to truly love myself.

it's weird because i struggle with the whole "being in a relationship" thing, and how i'm not, and then with the "being complete and happy on my own" when i'm only partly happy. the idea of trying to find someone this late in my life seems almost impossible, especially when i read so much anti-feminist crap in the papers and magazines and i know that's the world i'm up against. 75% of the people out there are sexist and i just don't know that i have the patience or the desire to try and find someone good.

so i guess there's my answer: i'll just go with the flow and if i find someone, great, and if i don't, i'll die alone but at least it won't be a frustrating end with someone who doesn't appreciate me. bright side and all that.

i would like to find someone though. to be happy and in love and cared for by someone who makes me all giddy and fluttery inside. i haven't felt that feeling in years.

but really i'm not all that focused on romance at the moment. i hardly ever even think about it because i'm too busy thinking i'm too fat for love or that i'm too old for love or that all the good ones are already taken so when a thought of love enters my mind i generally push it right out and think about something else. and the thing with J and him betraying my trust so deeply has made me even less hopeful because i figure if he couldn't be trusted then really, no one can.

but wait. that's negative thinking. i need to nip that in the bud. deep breath: in with peace and joy, out with bitterness and negativity.

what was today's daily affirmation? "i know and express my higher purpose."

i need to work on that one. i'm not sure that i really do know what my higher purpose is. i should probably do some reflecting and meditating on that if i am to progress in the right direction. otherwise i'll be floundering in this same state of confusion years from now.

blah, blah, blah.

i feel like my journal entries lately are really weird and disjointed. i guess that's probably because i am. i'm trying to do the right thing, to be a good person and look on the bright side and be more appreciative and all that. i'm not used to it though so it's kind of putting me off my game. is it because i'm still on the path to enlightenment or is it because i'm just faking it and not really making any progress at all?

oh lordy, i'm so confused.

anyway. working on it. trying. doing my best and all that. and that's really all i can do.

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