Monday, November 28, 2005

journal entry seventy-three...

it's the PMS. it's bringing out the worst in me again and i'm feeling all bitter and obsessive. (and fat.)

last night J and A were in my dreams again. J showed up in the form of another old boyfriend and he didn't stay long, but A was back in full force, rubbing me the wrong way and not showing any remorse.

in the dream i was hanging out at a bar with the cast of RENT, (i guess because i just saw the review on "ebert and roeper"), and A showed up a bit later. she was part of my crowd of friends but i was trying to avoid her and have a good time. at one point we were both up at the bar ordering drinks though, and i asked her very sincerely, "can't you see how this would hurt me? can't you understand how it would be painful for me to have one of my close friends take up with my old boyfriend? the man i spent the last two years of my life with? the man who at one time i thought i'd spend the rest of my life with? can't you see how this would be painful and difficult to see the two of you together in spite of that? how disrespectful it feels?"

she said no. she shook her head as if i was being ridiculous and incredibly annoying and she said that no, she didn't see what the big deal was. and when i asked her to try and put herself in my position and imagine if i had done the same thing to her when she and W broke up, how she'd have felt. she still didn't get it.

i was totally frustrated and angry all over again and i woke up feeling cranky.

i need to stop thinking about it and get back into the habit of replacing the negative thoughts with my happy mantra and get on with my life. i think i'm just stubborn though and it totally annoys me that they don't see the harm in what they're doing. that they think i'm the one causing all the problems. that i just need to accept it and get over it.

they're probably right. about the accepting and getting over it part, anyway. i guess the extra days off gave me extra time to brood and feel sorry for myself and the PMS is only compounding my self-pity. i need to stop dwelling on it and get back on track and on with my life. i just need to put them behind me and move on. this is getting ridiculous!

"i release all bitterness and negativity from my heart and open it to receive peace and joy."

ironically, today's meditation is: gratitude.

On our path to the light, we often examine our growth with an eye to what we have yet to achieve. It is very important, however, to become aware of what we have already accomplished...Sense and visualize all the wondrous things that have happened, all the gifts you now have in your life, and give thanks for each of them with the whole of your heart. "I am grateful!"

yeah, so i need to stop focusing on negativity and recognize all of the good things i have in my life and the progress i am making towards becoming a better person. i'm trying. i really am trying to evolve and move on and become a better, happier, more positive and hopeful person.

it's just this damn PMS throwing a wrench in the works and putting me off my game. i'll get through it.


Blogger jane kay doe said...

i think we are on the same cycle.

December 01, 2005 6:06 PM  

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