Wednesday, November 23, 2005

journal entry sixty-five...

i've been trying not to think about J or A at all, even though they do crop up in my thoughts regularly. it's less frequent than it was though, so that's something. now when they do i just stop the thought immediately and think about something else. like whether or not i have enough brown sugar for my pie or if i should make a new holiday cd mix to send to the 4 or 5 people i'm still friends with. it seems to be working although i still haven't checked the status on the brown sugar nor have i decided whether or not i'm going to make a holiday mix. for now those are just distractions, not really issues i'm all that concerned about answering.

there is a part of me that wants to forgive and forget and just put the whole thing in the past and reach out to J and tell him that it's cool between us and that i'm willing to make amends and do what needs to be done to repair the friendship. there's another less evolved part of me though, that doesn't want to make amends and wants to punish him by withholding love and friendship from him. a part that wants him to be sad and anxious and worried that he'll never hear from me again. the thing is though, that i don't know how he feels since i'm not speaking to him so he could very well be thinking "whatever. i said i was sorry and that's really all i can do so..."

i suppose i will evolve entirely at some point and i will reach out to him to rekindle our friendship, but right now i'm still too bitter and angry and it would only end in frustration and tears all over again. i need to allow myself to fully recover. these things take time. you can't fake forgiveness.

also, although i have technically forgiven A, i have no intention of ever re-establishing our friendship. there's a deeper sense of betrayal and pain there. i expected more from her. i guess i expect that men will always let you down in the end whenever their dick is involved, but with women it's different. we're supposed to look out for one another and protect each other's hearts and self-esteem. we are not supposed to contribute to one another's suffering.

anyway, i'm making progress. slowly. day by day. but like i said, these things take time. you can't fake forgiveness.


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