Saturday, November 26, 2005

journal entry sixty-nine...

sometimes i just feel so old and tired. wired. uninspired. overfired as martha would say.

i realize that i am still relatively young and that i have my whole life ahead of me, but sometimes it feels like i've already screwed everything up too badly. i feel like the window of opportunity was wide open a decade ago but i chose door number 3 instead and got stuck with this stupid goat. now it's the sound of that wont-wah horn everytime i wake up.

i'd just really like to start over right now. from the beginning of my life, when it really started in 1990. i'd like to be that girl all over again, but with the wisdom i possess now and all the love and compassion i have for the young, innocent me that i didn't have then. for the young me that had no one to turn to and who turned a hard face to the sweetness she possessed then and longed for the day she would be stronger. harder. colder. the day that no one could touch her or make a dent in the shell that divided her from the world.

and then suddenly it's half a lifetime later and i can't even touch that girl i once was. i don't even know where to look. but it's what i wished for: to be strong and tough and invincible. to not let anyone in or give them a chance to hurt me. it's hard to kill what isn't alive.

i miss that young girl i used to be. the one who used to believe in everything. the one who knew it was practically impossible, but who knew that practicality wasn't possible anyway. she was sweet and innocent and naive, but that's what made her beautiful. where the hell is all that beauty now?

3 Comments:

Blogger Bobby said...

turn those corners!

November 26, 2005 2:34 PM  
Blogger jane kay doe said...

i got the discs and thank you, thank you, thank you!!

also, i'm sending you something for your altar.

i know how you feel. or no. i know how you feel. i hope you'll feel better more of the time till you feel better most of the time.

p.s. beer x4. sorry.

November 26, 2005 5:47 PM  
Anonymous The Human Museum said...

I hear you. I'm right there with you. One decision to many or maybe one too few. You stop just long enough to look around and go where the hell am I? And how do I get back?

November 27, 2005 12:39 PM  

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