Tuesday, November 22, 2005

journal entry sixty-two...

i don't know if the planets truly have moved into a better position for me or if it's the power of suggestion, but i am feeling starting to feel better; more hopeful.

last night i dreamt that i was friends with jeff tweedy and he was kind of flirting with me but we both knew we couldn't act on anything because we really loved his wife and kids and wouldn't want anything to interfere with that. we did take a nap together though and he held my hand close to his chest. when i woke from the nap he had turned into mark ruffalo and we were supposed to be getting ready for dinner. we were going to meet his wife at the restaurant inside the hotel we were staying at. it was strictly platonic, but there was some sexual tension going on which made me feel excited and hopeful. not because i thought he'd leave his wife for me, but because i felt like it was possible for someone to find me attractive. for someone to enjoy my company and think i was wonderful. we laughed a lot and i knew it was a friendship that would last a lifetime.

and then i woke up.

as rick springfield would say "what kind of fool am i?" even in my dreams i do the right thing. i totally could've been making out with jeff tweedy/mark ruffalo but i didn't because they're both married. ahh, well. i guess it's good to know that my integrity is soaked all the way through to my subconcious and that it's not all just some surface thing, for show.

i've got to find a celebrity crush who is single so i can have wild dreams without feeling guilty about it. if my romantic life is dead in reality, at least i can have a wild one in my dreams, right? uhm, right. psycho. is it healthy for a thirty-something woman to have celebrity crushes? i'm really not so sure. i definitely need to get out more.

A was in one of my dreams last night too. she was thinking about dropping out of school and i was trying to talk her out of it. telling her to stick with it and finish or she'd hate herself later. i was really sincere and wanted the best for her. of course, J made no appearance and i don't think he had anything to do with the dream. it was just me and A like it used to be, with her coming to me for advice and me giving it to her honestly and lovingly.

oh those were the days, huh?

anyway, for whatever reason, i am starting to feel a little bit better everyday. so i guess i have something to be thankful for after all.

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