Friday, November 04, 2005

journal entry thirty-one...

well, what started out good has ended badly. even that hopeful feeling is gone.

i don't know what happened but shortly before i left work i was overcome with an incredible sense of loss and sadness. i could barely keep from bursting into tears as i walked home. and after it turned out to be such a clear and beautiful day.

i guess it's my innocence. i've always thought of myself as really strong and cynical even, but this thing with J and A has just really sent me for a loop. i'm not as tough as i thought i was. i feel so hurt and betrayed and i keep trying to get past it and sometimes i think i'm ahead of the whole thing and the grief is behind me and then this happens and it swallows me all up again.

i just feel so foolish and humiliated. and let down. i really loved and cared about both of them so much. and i truly believed that they were my friends and that i could trust them and they've hurt me so deeply. it's not fair.

i hate it when people say that, "it's not fair", but it isn't. i've been such a good friend to both of them. i've been loyal and loving and honest and kind. but that never seems to make a difference. in the end i am always let down. i honestly can't think of one person in my entire life who hasn't let me down or betrayed me in some way. and it always comes as such a shock to me. you'd think i'd be used to it by now but no, i'm just as surprised as when i was in grade school and kelly slapped me in the face.

i don't want to be hard or bitter. i don't want to be afraid to trust or believe in people, but sometimes the thought of allowing myself to be vulnerable again and risk feeling such intense sorrow is just too much to bear.

perhaps tomorrow will be better.

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