Thursday, November 03, 2005

journal entry twenty-eight...

so it seems that what i thought was the anger phase wasn't the anger phase. this is the anger phase.

last night i had a million complicated, convoluted, confusing dreams with a huge cast of characters weaving their ways in and out of each one. i can't even remember all of them but there were visits from people i haven't seen or thought of in ages as well as visits from people i had hoped never to see again.

i was able to release a lot of hostility and anger towards A in one of the dreams though so i woke up kind of relaxed and relieved. like i'd been holding my breath all this time and finally let it out.

in the dream we were leaving a party, (a large group of my women friends and i), and we were all walking to catch the bus or whatever. as we were walking A caught up with me and tried to talk to me about her relationship with J and how i really shouldn't be hurt or angry and i just laid into her. i told her everything that was on my mind and what a horrible, hypocritical, backstabbing jerk i thought she was after all i'd done for her and the kind of friend i had always been to her. she was totally stunned and i could tell that it really hit her and for the first time she was actually thinking about what an awful, hurtful thing she had done to me.

she didn't say anything and kind of just picked up her pace and let me fall behind. as i watched her walk away i thought to myself did i actually say that? did i truly tell her exactly what i thought? it's so unlike me to really stand up for myself but i totally let her have it just then. go me!

i think i was just as happy for telling her what i really thought of her as i was for finally sticking up for myself. it was one of those win/win situations.

so today i'm in a better mood. i feel a little bit of relief even though it was attained through a dream and not in reality. if only my dreams could get the information to her through her dreams. then i could relay my message without ever having to see her or speak to her again. because i don't ever intend to see her or speak to her again and she'll never get to hear my grand speech about what a fuckhead she is.

too bad, that.

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