Saturday, December 31, 2005

journal entry 135...

(my last entry for 2005. i wrote this while i was waiting for the train to get going.)

it's a little before 10 am and i'm sitting on the on a south bound train headed for RWC. i'm starting to feel the beginning of a wave of cramps coming on, and i don't have any advil to relieve the pain. and there are two little kids a few seats away from me acting like little monsters.

it was nice and dry as i walked to the bart station and then it started raining sheets as soon as i reached caltrain. i was grateful for the reprieve as now i am warm and dry and otherwise might not have been.

so this is it: the end of 2005. goodbye, worst year of my life and hello to what i'm hoping will be the first in a long line of bests. i feel like i've suffered enough already and deserve a good run.

i was thinking of all the lost loves i've seemed to mourn every new year: KI, WE, TE, etc. i've only ever had a lover on NYE a handful of times. i hope this will be the end of that trend as well. i hope that this year, 2006, i will find the love of my life, my soulmate, the one who will love me truest and best forever. and that i will return the favor.

i also hope that this year i will be more creative, more positive, more compassionate, happier, kinder, gentler, forgiving, and fulfilled. it's the end of one era and the beginning of a new. i have high hopes for it. an era of sad behind me and an era of glad before me. more love, more peace, more joy, more prosperous and healthy days forever and ever amen.

journal entry 134...

a break in the rain. as if the universe knows i have to walk seven blocks to the train station and don't want to mess up my hair.

now i can use one hand to drag my suitcase and leave the other one free to...do whatever. wave. free to wave kindly at people and smile as i pass by.

thank you for a break in the deluge, o kind and just universe!

better things - lyrics by dar williams

(i'm reposting these lyrics because i think they're really appropriate for the end of the old year and the beginning of a new.)

here's wishing you the bluest sky
and hoping something better comes tomorrow
hoping all the verses rhyme,
and the very best of choruses to
follow all the doubt and sadness
i know that better things are on their way.

here's hoping all the days ahead
won't be as bitter as the ones behind you
be an optimist instead,
and somehow happiness will find you
forget what happened yesterday,
i know that better things are on their way.

it's really good to see you rocking out and having fun,
living like you've just begun
accept your life and what it brings,
i hope tomorrow you find better things.
i know tomorrow you'll find better things.

here's wishing you the bluest sky
and hoping something better comes tomorrow
hoping all the verses rhyme,
and the very best of choruses to
follow all the drudge and sadness
i know that better things are on the way.

i know you've got a lot of good things happening up ahead
the past is gone, it's all been said
so here's to what the future brings,
i know tomorrow you'll find better things.
i know tomorrow you'll find better things.

journal entry 133...

i'm feeling a little better. i think knowing that a lot of the hysterics from earlier in the week really were at least partially hormone induced and not a complete psychotic break has been of comfort to me. there is hope for me yet.

it's still raining out so i'm going to have to drag my shit to the train station through rain soaked streets. i've got to manage to fit everything into one bag so i can use my free hand to hold the umbrella. either way, a little rain never killed anyone.

it will be nice to spend NYE with CA and CL. it's funny how i used to spend EVERY NYE with them when we were younger and then when i moved to the city we stopped. not this year though. i'll be back where i belong and perhaps that in itself will get the year started off on the right foot. i'm going to try and meditate on positive things all the way down there. try and do some hocus pocus shit to cast a spell of peace and love and joy for me and everyone else in the coming year. it's a fresh start and it can be whatever i want it to be.

i want it to be a really good one.

last night i had some funny dreams. in one of them, i was dating christian bale and i was helping him prepare for a role. he was playing one of twelve monks from olden days who ran some marathon barefoot. it was supposed to be really inspiring and beautiful but he looked scary skinny like in "the machinist" and it kind of creeped me out. he was very funny though, when he wasn't in character.

jason bateman was in another one. i don't remember much about that one except that he was very nice and funny and not the least bit pretentious as you might expect. i gave him a t-shirt or something and he was really sweet and appreciative.

so that's that. the year is finally coming to a close and it can't happen fast enough. get this year behind me, satan!

here's to 2006 being happier, healthier, more loving and prosperous than any that have come before it. please, please, please!!!

Friday, December 30, 2005

sense of something coming - a poem by rainer maria rilke

i am like a flag in the center of open space.
i sense ahead the wind which is coming, and must live
it through.
while the things of the world still do not move:
the doors still close softly, and the chimneys are full
of silence,
the windows do not rattle yet, and the dust still lies down.

i already know the storm, and i am troubled as the sea.
i leap out, and fall back,
and throw myself out, and am absolutely alone
in the great storm.

journal entry 132...

this is my 370th post since i started this blog on october 24th. of course, lots of the posts were song lyrics or poetry or my horoscopes, but still. it has been really theraputic for me to be able to come here and tell me deepest, darkest secrets and show my ugliest, stupidest, most embarassing self since i have so many roles and masks i must wear in real life.

anonymity has its rewards.

i would be lying if i tried to say that 2005 wasn't one of the worst, most difficult, painful and disappointing years i've ever survived. certainly i've had other trials and tribulations in other years, but this was definitely the most concentrated of shittyness. i can't even think of anything positive that happened this year unless you count that i didn't get fired, evicted, or hospitalized. i guess those are all positives so i'm grateful to have that at least.

here's hoping that 2006 is fifty million times better, happier, healthier and wealthier for all of us and that i'll find true, lasting love, passionate romance, and deep, meaningful friendships i can trust and believe in.

dear 2006, please don't suck. thanks in advance.

friday poetry blogging - seventh edition...

i look just like my mother - by me (broken ladder)

(with all of our lost innocence)

there's a cruel comfort
that comes with the realization
that you'll never believe
in anything ever again

that any good thing
that ever happens to you
will have the added sweetness
of a pleasant surprise

journal entry 131...

my eyes are so swollen from all the bawling yesterday that i can't put in my contacts. i'm feeling optimistic though so i'm going to put some mascara on anyway and try to get on with my life.

the blood came early which is a relief in a way because i really do think i'm going crazy sometimes. when the bleeding actually starts it's a reminder that yes, god hates me, but no, i'm not insane after all. i like to think of the blood washing some of the hormones away pad by pad and know that soon i will be able to cope and breath normally again and go about my life in the dull haze i'm used to.

(oh eve, you crazy bitch! look what you made that sadistic dude in the sky do to all of your innocent yet equally sinful sisters! you and phyllis schlafly are going to be the death of us!)

but anyhoo.

i'm really, really exhausted and it's cold and rainy outside and i have to walk downtown to the apple store again because they left the users manual out of my $200 external hard drive so i have no fucking clue how to go about backing up all of my freshly restored and installed programs and applications and music.

which reminds me: my vacation is almost over and all i really have to show for it is six empty wine bottles and a waste basket full of snotty tissue. oh, and an oppressive sense of defeat! can't forget that one!

i started a poem for today's poetry blogging. it's about empty wine bottles, snotty tissues and an oppressive sense of defeat. go figure! we'll see if i'm too dignified to post it or if i'd prefer to share my humiliation with the world.

tune in to find out!

hahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 29, 2005

journal entry 130...

i couldn't write anything today. actually, i did write some stuff, but it was all a bunch of pathetic, self-indulgent crap. then i wrote random words and phrases to use at some future point when i'm not feeling as wishing i was deadish.

(see??? OPTIMIST!!!! thinking there might actually BE a day when i'm not feeling as wishing i was deadish!!!)

i don't know what i'm going to do about tomorrow and "friday poetry blogging whatever edition". i guess we'll just be lucky if i even live through the night. har har. maybe "lucky" isn't the right word.

that line from the murmurs: "oh i wish that i was dead...temporarily."

except i don't know what the purpose of the "temporarily" is all about unless you get to come back to life as someone somewhere else. someone and somewhere BETTER obviously, not one of those fucked up twilight zone things where you're taught a lesson and learn to appreciate all the good things that you actually DO have in your life. that's all such a bullshit ripoff and only proves exactly what i've been saying all along (well, since this morning anyway): it's all pointless and meaningless and our purpose is just to suffer and suffer and show how long we can survive it until we finally die. fools.

i've been wishing and wishing and wishing i was dead, but not in that fucked up way where all of my negativity turns into a big cancerous ball and i finally die after thousands of dollars and operations and years and years of pain and suffering. i mean that i'd just go to sleep tonight and never ever wake up. but also not that i'd live in a permanent dream world where people are fucking up my hair and J & A are flaunting their fucking love in my fucking face for all of fucking eternity.

i'd just like a little peace and quiet without all of this misery and self-loathing weighing me down and down and down and down forever and ever and ever world without end.

journal entry 129...

1) grief
2) sorrow
3) disappointment
4) fear
5) anger
6) anxiety
7) frustration
8) self-pity
9) self-loathing
10) and repeat

randomness seventy-eight...

one thing i have noticed is that my right eye cries a lot more tears than my left. it's probably three to one. even when i'm full on bawling, the right side of my face gets a lot more drenched.

i'd like to think of something interesting or witty to say about that but i can't come up with anything. and now here come the waterworks all over again.

journal entry 128...

i'm having trouble getting started.

everytime i start thinking about how to say what i want to say i start thinking about lots of things that make me start crying and i can't seem to stop and it's hard to see to write through the tears.

i'm just so, so sad. so disappointed. hopeless.

i've always been one to think everything is a learning experience. life is a learning experience. everything that happens, happens for a reason and makes you a better person for it.

but really, what the fuck does that even mean? what is the reason? when i think off all the "learning" that i've done in my life it's mostly learning how to accept loss and disappointment. how to live through sorrow and heartache. how to keep going even when you don't want to keep going, when you just want to sleep forever.

and really, what's the point in all of that? how is that a good, worthwhile thing? so you learn to accept disappointment without killing yourself. so you manage to live through pain after pain after pain and each time you handle it better, you accept it easier. you go on living.

it just doesn't make any sense to me. the joys seem so short lived or mundane and the disappointments never seem to end and they seem to top themselves with unbearability each time. you're tested and tested and tested until you finally break. and then what? what's the point? you've finally reached the enlightened stage that you know when you've finally hit your limit? and then you die.

a series or unfortunate events that you manage to survive one after another until at last you are dead. that's what it's all about. and somehow you're supposed to take comfort in it.

journal entry 127...

i feel a little better today although i have a feeling it's temporary and that the littlest thing is going to set me off on another crying jag if i'm not careful. so i'm going to be careful.

last night i had a lot of unpleasant dreams again but this time J & A kept their sorry asses out of them. the one i just woke up from was of me going in for a haircut and being very specific about what i wanted and her doing exactly the opposite and then trying to tell me it looked better anyway and besides, i shouldn't get so upset over something as silly as hair. i was fuming! she gave me bangs after i specifically told her i wanted to keep it all one length.

i have to admit that it didn't look that bad when she finished but the point is that i don't want bangs and it takes fucking years to grow them out and she gave them to me against my will. and then i woke up and was relieved and happy that i still have the same do i've had since forever. pathetic.

i have fucked up hair dreams A LOT. the dream book says it's a symbol of vanity and power. having it cut indicates a sense of powerlessness. no shit, sherlock.

i also dream of having it dyed back to its natural color which also upsets me. and i always wake up from those quite relieved as well.

the funny thing is though, in real life they're always fucking up my haircut or not doing it exactly the way i like it and i'm always like "eh, whatever. it'll grow." of course, they never try to cut bangs into it though. i would definitely freak the fuck out and start throwing shit. no i wouldn't. i'd freak the fuck out internally, pay and probably even tip the lady, and go home and cry. because i'm all talk and no action and i'm a total fucking baby. with a potty mouth.

today i'm going to try and write. i've been halfassing it all week but today i intend to accomplish something. i've got a few things started so i have no excuse for not doing it. the ideas are out there, they just need to be put into a readable format. i must find a new and improved way to say my life sucks and poor, poor me without it sounding like the same pedestrian crap i've been writing about how my life sucks and poor, poor me.

the way i used to write, back in the day, was to open a bottle of wine and smoke half a pack of cigarettes and just crank that shit out. now that i don't smoke or drink as much it feels kind of weird getting started. i guess i just need to start some new rituals and routines to get going.

the end of the year is almost here. in a way i'm really looking forward to it, but i'm kind of scared of it too. it's a whole new beginning and a chance for me to put all of the heartache and shit from the last year behind me but i'm afraid that next year has the potential to suck too and i don't think i can handle it. i need a little happy, a little love, a little laughter. make that A LOT of all of those things. i just hope 2006 is fantastic because i really could use some lasting joy. all of this crying is giving me wrinkles, and one more thing to worry about.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

in other's words thirteen...

"we have looked into ourselves and what is there condemns us." - john sayles (from the movie "limbo")

troubled mind - lyrics by catie curtis

i've been getting down about all the run-around
about all the pushing and the standing in line
but like my friends say, you gotta do it anyway
and it just gets harder when you ask why

and i'm tired from all the weight
tired of being strong
so won't you come and stay
let me lay down in your arms
down in your arms

i've been getting up early, i've been getting my coffee
i've been getting in the car and driving all over town
talking to myself while i'm taking off my seatbelt
some people don't know how to slow down

and i'm tired from all the weight
tired of being strong
so won't you come and stay
let me lay down in your arms
down in your arms

i've got a troubled, a troubled mind
and you've got a heart, a heart so kind
so kind
so pack an overnight bag, don't worry about what you have
'cause if you need something, you can just use mine
and you don't have to promise more than you want to
but if you want to see me, this would be a good time

'cause i'm tired from all the weight
tired of being strong
so won't you come and stay
let me lay down in your arms
down in your arms

journal entry 126...

i woke up really, really, really depressed again. i know a lot of it is hormones, but a lot of it is real sadness and disappointment too.

J & A seem to be haunting my dreams as much as my waking hours again and it's breaking my heart and making me miserable all over again. not to mention the disgust i feel for myself for not being able to JUST GET OVER IT ALREADY. it's been over two months and now i'm back to being as sad and disappointed as i was when it first happened. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

last night i had all these terrible nightmares, mostly involving A being a total fucking bitch to me and me constantly in tears.

i just want to get past this. i just want to quit being constantly reminded of them. i just want to forget about them entirely as if they never existed.

they're assholes and i don't want them in my life anyway so why can't i just get over it already? why does it continue to hurt day after day after day?

and why do i still have my period month after month after month? i'm never going to have any children so why can't it leave me alone already?

why can't i just stop crying for FIVE FUCKING MINUTES?! i think i'm losing my mind.

i wish i would just stop waking up. this is all so fucking exhausting.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

journal entry 125...

oh who am i kidding? i'm totally depressed again. i know that part of it's hormones but i think the larger part is that i'm still really sad and confused and disappointed over the J & A situation and how badly a major portion of my "friends" suck ass. not that they're friends anymore, but the fact that they were my friends, or at least i thought they were my friends, for so long and now they're gone and it's as if i never even existed in the first place. and they probably sucked all along and i never even noticed.

and with the end of the year within eyesight i guess i'm just remembering how much of my life i've wasted and how i still have no fucking clue what i want to do or where i'm going or what the fucking fuck.

and i think i'm going to do this and that and the other thing, but will i really? because i fuck so much stuff up and i procrastinate so much and i'm so lazy and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH!

i hate feeling bummed and tired and disappointed and having that lump in the back of my throat right before i'm going to cry that makes it hurt when i swallow.

i'm tired of being sad. it's been such a long, long time and i wonder if it's ever going to go away. will i always be this way? am i doomed to a life of melancholy?

oh, woe is me. i'm such a boring whinebag.

journal entry 124...

i chickened out on meeting up with MA today. i called to tell her i was feeling ill and that i'd call her in a few days to reschedule. i just wasn't in the mood to reconnect and it's cold and rainy out and i just don't feel like getting out of the house. so instead, i'm snuggled back on the couch under the covers watching "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" for the millionth time. the last time i watched it stoned and totally thought i had figured the entire thing out and how none of it made sense because everything was happening simultaneously. as i watch it now, it seems to flow smoothly and make perfect sense to me. that's what happens when you're not stoned, i guess.

clementine: "i'm a vindictive little bitch, truth be told."

that could be my fucking motto, truth be told.

today's horoscope...

'Fine words and an insinuating appearance are seldom associated with true virtue.' Confucius said a lot of wise things. This statement remains as true today as it was a thousand years ago. We all need to hear it, just as much as we ever did. Something in your world now, neither looks nor sounds 'quite right'. You cannot conclude from this, though, that it is definitely wrong. You are doing what needs to be done. It is not a good impression you need to make now - merely a good step forward that you need to take.

so i guess this means that even if things don't go so well tonight with MA, at least we're taking a step in the right direction and positive change will come about eventually.

yesterday's horoscope...

'Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes.' I have picked this quote from Confucius because Saturn is currently making you feel tense and uncomfortable. It may be the festive season but you are not entirely inclined to celebrate. There is something you wish you could change. You keep wondering whether you could have played things differently. Be easier on yourself and everyone else around you. No matter what has happened, what is about to happen next will make sense of it all. Miracles can happen between now and New Year.

i like it better than today's so i thought i'd post it as well.

journal entry 123...

i am definitely a creature of habit. when my routine gets thrown off i am not a happy camper.

i've been feeling out of sorts ever since my computer died and even after getting it repaired yesterday i still felt funky and weird when i got home and like i'd forgotten how to "do it". i was also really disappointed to miss an entire day of posting and end my writing streak. it was only one day though so i really don't need to continue pouting about it.

so. xmas eve and xmas was nice. spent it with CA, CL, EM and TO again. they're obviously my holiday family because i'll be back down there for NYE on saturday. at least i have people to spend the holidays with though, otherwise i might have time to fret and obsess and wallow to the point of suicide. this way i can fret and obsess over what i'm going to wear instead.

last night i had some seriously fucked up dreams. the first one i can remember involved a documentary about hunter's point and me being kidnapped by some snoop dogg like guy who was apparently my boyfriend but who didn't actually care about me at all and he sold me into sex slavery and i woke up sobbing hysterically. i was so, so relieved it was a dream because it seemed so real and i was so scared and there didn't seem to be any way to escape. when i tried to, he hooked me up to these wires and kept electrocuting me.

in another dream, my cousin, joe, was trying to molest me. we were staying in a trailer with my mom and he kept crawling into my bed and lying on top of me. i was beating the shit out of him and telling him to fuck off but it was really stressful and upsetting.

the last dream i remember was me and a few other people that i can't really identify going to some halloween costume contest in santa cruz. i was wearing something weird that i can't remember now but it was a partner type of costume and my boyfriend was wearing the other half. in that dream i was really, really happy and felt really giddy and content. i was really in love with this fellow and he was really in love with me. and i kept thinking to myself how lucky i was and how surprised i was that such a handsome, funny, loving guy as he was would be in love with me. i was snuggling up wih him and thanking my lucky stars when i woke up.

obviously, i woke up feeling a little disappointed but then i thought, i'll find him one day, one way or another. i won't be loveless and lovelorn forever. (i hope.)

i'm supposed to meet MA for a drink tonight. we haven't seen each other in months and our communication has been really infrequent and strained. our falling out was a bit weird and awkward and neither of us has been in a very good or stable place to even try and bring about a healthy reconciliation. i'm hoping tonight goes well and that we can put the past behind us and move forward. i still feel kind of weird about her though, and unsure of how much i trust her. i guess we'll find out tonight.

Monday, December 26, 2005

journal entry 122...

i spent five hours and $200 at the apple store getting my laptop fixed today. it took forever but i'm now back in working order with a giant external hard drive to backup all my stuff in case this ever happens again.

i hope it never happens again.

i'm beat so i'll get back to my regular writing routine tomorrow.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

randomness seventy-seven

my laptop died this morning so i can't post anymore until i take it to the apple store for repair. this makes me very unhappy because i've posted something every single day since i started this blog and now i can't.

maybe CA will let me logon to her computer again tomorrow so i don't miss a day. i hope.

it's lovely and warm today and feels like spring, not xmas.

only six more hours until blueberry cobbler. yay!

Friday, December 23, 2005

randomness seventy-six...

if you google J's full name, eventually you'll get a link to his old blog and in the description part google gives you a line and link to the archives. the line to the link is "there's a girl that i like."

he wrote that about me in july of 2002 when we first started dating. he still hasn't written anything like that on his new blog about A. i wonder if it's because he doesn't want to hurt me or because he doesn't mean it.

i'll be so happy when i don't even care either way.

randomness seventy-five...

the after dinner scene from "the fisher king" that always makes me cry:

lydia: "you'll probably want to come upstairs for some coffee."
perry: "i don't like coffee."
lydia: "and we'll have a drink. talk and get to know each other, a little bit better. and then you'll...you'll sleep over. and then in the morning you'll awake, and you'll be distant. and you won't be able to stay for breakfast. maybe just a cup of coffee."
perry: "i don't drink coffee."
lydia: "and then, we'll exchange phone numbers and you'll leave. and never call. and i'll go to work and i'll feel so good! for the first hour. and then ever so slowly i'll turn into a piece of dirt...i don't know why i'm putting myself through this...it was really nice to meet you. 'night."
perry: "night...'scuse me! wait! just, hey! sorry! 'scuse me! please wait!"
lydia: "no listen, i'm not feeling very well."
perry: "well no wonder. we just met, made love, and broke up, all in the space of thirty seconds. and i don't remember having the first kiss, which i think is the best part."

and then other great lines follow. and then sad stuff. and dramatic stuff.

you should see it. or watch it again if you've seen it already. it's so goofy, but so, so great.

"let me have this? LET ME HAVE THIS!"

randomness seventy-four...

i hate robin williams in lots of things, but not in "the fisher king". he's really good in "the fisher king" and "the fisher king" is still really good all these years later.

i didn't just type "the fisher king" a million times just so i'll come up first when anyone googles it, (as if anyone googles "the fisher king".) i typed "the fisher king" a million times because i really love this movie and i'm watching it right now. i bought it on DVD so i'm sending the VHS to mom. unless BE wants it.

"everything's coming up videos, this time for free! yes, lydia, for freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"

"i cannot believe you lived with her as long as you did. if i had to live with my mother i would stab myself six times."

also? i told my mom not to send me money for xmas. i said, "save your money mom. use it to pay off your bills so you can move out here."

i'll be stabbing myself six times in no time flat.

randomness seventy-three...

this is what i'm bringing to xmas dinner with CA, CL, TO and EM. i made a practice cobbler last week and it was magically delicious even on my first try, even when i didn't know what it meant to "knife butter". (i still don't, but basically i just chopped and chopped at the butter until the dough was the consistency she said.)

it's a rachael ray recipe.

blueberry cobbler

prep time: 20 minutes
cook time: 45 minutes

ingredients:
two 12 oz. packages of blueberries
1/3 cup plus 4 tablespoons granulated sugar
1 1/2 cups plus 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
2 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 sticks (6 oz.) cold unsalted butter, cut into small pieces
2/3 cup whole milk
1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

1. preheat oven to 375. butter an 8x8x2 inch baking dish

2. mix the blueberries with 1/3 cup of sugar and 2 tablespoons of the
flour, spoon into the baking dish

3. in a large bowl, whisk together the remaining 1 1/2 cups of flour
and 3 tablespoons of sugar with the baking powder and salt. cut the
butter into the flour mixture with a pastry blender or 2 knives until
it resembles course meal. add the milk and vanilla and stir with a
fork to form a wet, sticky dough. drop rounded teaspoons of the dough
over the top of the blueberries to cover them. sprinkle the remaining
1 tablespoon of sugar on top of the cobbler and place the baking dish
on the on the middle rack of the oven. (place aluminum foil on the
rack directly below the cobbler to catch any juices that might spill
over.) bake for 45 minutes, or until the top is golden-brown and the
fruit filling is bubbling up through the crust.

4. let the cobbler cool for at least 20 minutes. serve warm or at room
temperature.

i'm gonna eat like a pig and enjoy the fuck out of it.

friday poetry blogging - sixth edition...

untitled - by me (broken ladder)

this is how i remember you:
head thrown back
eyes closed
mouth wide open
laughing

not at me
you said, but
near me

and then i laughed too
all the way to the bus stop
where we said goodbye.

june on the west coast - lyrics by bright eyes

i spent a week drinking the sunlight of winnetka, california
where they understand the weight of human hearts
see sorrow gets too heavy and joy it tends to hold you
with the fear that it eventually departs
and the truth is i've been dreaming of some tired tranquil place
where the weather won't get trapped inside my bones
and if all these years of searching find one sympathetic face
then it's there i'll plant these seeds and make my home

i spent a day dreaming of dying in mesa, arizona
where all the green of life had turned to ash
and i felt i was on fire, with the things i could have told you
i just assumed that you eventually would ask
and i wouldn't have to bring up my so badly broken heart
and all those months i just wanted to sleep
and though spring, it did come slowly, i guess it did its part
my heart has thawed and continues to beat

i visited my brother on the outskirts of olympia
where the forest and the water become one
and we talked about our childhood, like a dream we were convinced of
that perfect peaceful street where we came from
and i know he heard me strumming all those sad and simple chords
as i sat inside my room so long ago
and it hurts that he's still shaking from those secrets that were told
by a car closed up airtight and a heart turned cold

and i went to san diego
the birthplace of the summer
and watched the ocean dance under the moon
and there was a girl i knew there, one more potential lover
i guess that something's got to happen soon
cause i know i can't keep living in this dead or dying dream
as i watched along the beach and drank with her
i thought about my true love, the one i really need
with eyes that burn so bright, they make me pure
they make me pure
they make me pure
i long to be with you...

today's horoscope...

'Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them [who]... persecute you.' Jesus said a lot of challenging things during his short life. He also gave some wise advice. As the world celebrates his birthday this weekend, you will find yourself under the influence of a sharp link from Mars to Pluto. It could make you feel anything but forgiving. That's your challenge. Rise to it, and rise above all anger and resentment and it will yet be a brilliant Christmas.

if i believed in this stuff i'd say, "see? i'm not really the horrible person i looked like yesterday, it's just the mars/pluto influence. you know what a bitch they can be."

journal entry 121...

i haven't been remembering my dreams lately.

for the past week i've been waking a little before my alarm is set to go off and i immediately forget what i was dreaming about. later in the day i might think oh, H was in my dream last night but i won't remember any of the details or even if it was happy or sad.

i haven't been accomplishing as much on my days off as i expected. i don't know what my deal is but i've felt pretty lazy and uninspired. maybe it's all the rain. or maybe it's just because i'm lazy.

whenever i think about not having to work, like if i won the lottery or something, i think i would be happy not to work. i wouldn't be bored or anything because i'd be so busy with my writing and volunteer work i wouldn't have time to get bored. but now we can see that's all bullshit. if i didn't have to go to work i'd watch too much tv and get fat.

it's not supposed to rain today so i'm going to get out of the house. return the movies to the library, run to walgreens, work on today's poem. i do have something, but it's not very satisfying and i'd like to come up with something better if i can. i've got several hours to do some more work.

i feel bad for being so mean and freaking out about A yesterday. i'm really not a horrible person, i just play one on the internets.

i'm trying to be good, i really am. i'm trying not to let it get to me. i know i'll find love and happiness again someday and none of this will even matter. oh happy day!

p.s. that mystic song makes me cry and cry and cry. everytime i was editing it for typos i would start bawling. it's so sad. it's even sadder how many people i know who can relate to it.

would i be easier to love, not so torn inside if you had beat that man, and stood by my side?
would i write sad songs, and court pain daily? how different would i be if you had raised me?


just cutting and pasting that part brought tears to my eyes. so, so sad, and so, so true.

aww shit, here i go with the crying again.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

randomness seventy-two...

i've started using the lamp on the end table instead of the standing lamp next to the couch and it's amazing what a different ambiance the living room has now.

i've also been using the couch more instead of my usual chair which gives me a whole different perspective too.

the room feels very warm and inviting. i like it.

if i was just walking into it i'd think, "i like the way she's decorated the place. it's all very understated and lovely."

that's something, i guess.

fatherless child - lyrics by mystic

yo, on november 24th, 1999
i was in l.a. and i was in the kitchen cookin'
and i got this page, right?
and uh, i called back and i was informed that
my father had passed away from a heroin overdose
about two hours earlier
so this song is for him, and to him
and for all the fatherless children in the world
the mothers who raised us, the people who love us
*****

it's a monday, finally found the perfect beat
to speak my piece on how i came to be
the way i was raised, how i was born
why i smile so sad and have the eyes of a storm
mom's from virginia, you from rhode island
met up in the state where the sun's always smilin'
minds connected, physicals exchanged
y'all both believin' that the world could be changed

time passed to 1973, and you begged my mom to create me
at first she said no but she loved you too much
1974 had a child to touch
but you was into other things, that ripped life's seams
liquor, drugs, other women, destroyin' dreams
but you know how women be, she tried to hold on
for the sake of your love and the beautiful bond

i'm a fatherless child, it's all i've ever been
it's all i'll ever be, since you're gone from me
still i hope you know, that i could never unlove you, love you

1974 was the year things changed
too much alcohol makes people violent and strange
you broke the windows with a baseball bat
as my mother cried inside with me on her lap
the dream destroyed, it was time to leave
she didn't take much, just a few things, her love and me
that was the birth of this fatherless child
and a struggling mother with the world in her eyes
she did it though, (i love you) put herself in college
raisin' me with grace, givin' me the knowledge
and pops you, you never came by
never sent money never called to say hi
i used to lie to the other kids, on the block
say i knew where you was at so the questions would stop
i fronted to my friends that you didn't mean much
but i used to cry alone, and long for your touch

i'm a fatherless child, it's all i've ever been
it's all i'll ever be, since you're gone from me
still i hope you know, that i could never unlove you, love you

ninth grade i thought you were dead
called my mom about a paper, and that's what she said
i was angry and confused, all because of you
wanted to ask you why, and just say fuck you!
but the feeling passed, what was my options?
studyin' my face tryin' to find what was lost and
i decided that you didn't mean shit
that i was really worth lovin' and you lost a gift
before that, i grew breasts and things
got raped in the bathroom, and the question stings
would it have, could it have, should it have
been different if i had your hand to grab?
would i be easier to love, not so torn inside
if you had beat that man, and stood by my side?
would i write sad songs, and court pain daily?
how different would i be if you had raised me?

i'm a fatherless child, it's all i've ever been
it's all i'll ever be, since you're gone from me
still i hope you know, that i could never unlove you, love you

1997 you called my home
from telegraph and 43rd, for the child you never owned
i told you come by, adam came to help me
you were homeless and drunk, but not lookin' uhealthly
we sat for hours, i asked you every question
we sang on my porch and discussed life's lessons
and i loved you, like you had always been there
you said you'd never leave again, so i released my fears

1999 tryin' to sign my deal
ten years of hard work, finally becomin' real
so i brushed you off, writin' songs for a movie
that was the last time i saw you, forgive me truly
the day my deal was done, you died
with a needle in your arm, and angels by your side
and i miss you, tattooed it on my back
'fatherless child', fade to black

i'm a fatherless child, it's all i've ever been
it's all i'll ever be, since you're gone from me
still i hope you know, that i could never unlove you, love you

journal entry 120...

okay, i didn't want to leave all that mean, negative stuff at the top.

in many ways i am incredibly lucky and if i didn't spend so much time bitching about what i DON'T have or what fucked up stuff is being DONE to me, i'd probably notice it more often and be bouncing off the walls with joy.

here's a list of things that have made me happy this week:

1) brokeback mountain. very, very good and i'm fortunate enough to be able to afford to see it in the theatre instead of waiting a year for the video.

2) walking to the grocery store in a pleasant, relaxing warm rain.

3) noticing that babycat likes to be wherever i am. she's very independent but if i'm on the couch she wants to be on the couch and if i'm on the bed she wants to be on the bed too. she slept beside me ALL DAY yesterday and purred everytime i pet her except the one time she was sick of me and growled.

4) living on my own with total privacy and being able to do whatever i please whenever i please.

5) the internets. many wise people say many wise things and i benefit from their wisdom. also, some of them really make me laugh and that comes in handy when you're on your death bed.

i've got so many things to be happy and grateful for. i should just shut the fuck up with all my hating on things that don't go my way. big deal. many things do go my way and that's good enough.

heavy sigh.

journal entry 119...

alright. i know that was incredibly harsh and mean and TOXIC if you will, but i had to get it out. it's been choking off any real growth and healing in me because i've been pushing it all down and pretending like i don't have any of these ugly, horrible feelings inside of me. i've been faking half of this mellow, evolved stuff hoping that if i say it enough it'll be true.

i do want to get over this, i do want to get past this, i don't want to hate them or wish harm on them forever.

if i can just scream and rage and yell horrible stuff i feel better though and then i feel guilty and want to be a better person again.

i do want to be a better person. i want to get to the point where i can see either of them or both of them and not even blink. not even care. bygones. good riddance. peace on earth, good will to men, asshole exes and skanks. etc.

this is all so much harder than you'd think though. obviously

journal entry 118...

i just saw A walking from J's house when i opened the blinds. skanky bitch.

she looked up at my apartment too. i could tell she didn't remember which one it was but she was looking up here trying to figure it out. J wasn't with her.

god! she makes me so sick! she is such a disgusting, pathetic, backstabbing skank with bad skin and an annoying voice! i can't fucking believe that she's fucking my ex-boyfriend! they are both such disgusting fucking slimebags! and this i'm not even saying just because i'm bitter, it's actually true too: she is NOT pretty. she's ugly inside and out and i fucking hate her. they both make me want to puke.

fuck you both, you fucking fucks!!!!!!!!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i think i'm going to have a nervous breakdown today. i am thisclose to snapping.

A IS A DIRTY, FUCKING SKANKY FUCKING HO-BAG AND I HATE HER!!!!! fuck all this evolved, zentastic bullshit. i hope she chokes on his fucking cock!!!! he is a goddamn motherfucking sonofabitch!!!! i hate him i hate him i hate him!!!!

FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!

clever meals - lyrics by tegan and sara

they're all desperate for love and affection
no they're desperate for you,
and as you sit up there
all sly and "sure i want it"
does anyone think as strongly
as you do
i'm quite sure we'll find one another
in a place that's better then this
a time filled with us and we
send up our shooting stars and comets
yeah we make our little gestures
yes we make our little comments

this song is my anthem
and it makes up my ideas
and who i am
has benefitted from all my cleverly planned meals
all my cleverly planned meals

i'm stripped and vital and
i see rules that almost fit
so if i voice my opinion will you stay and sit
and as i stand here screaming in despair
i said yes this is my life and yes you should care

this song is my anthem
(close your eyes)
and it makes and it makes up my ideas
and here i am
(and you'll free your mind)
has benefitted from all my cleverly planned meals
(you're free to fly)
all my cleverly planned meals
(just say close your eyes)
(and i will free your mind, you're free to fly)

hardly happy at all
and i'm ready to take the fall
cause we pay for the stupid things we've done
where we come from
can you sit through this or is it going to be too deep
will you ever use common sense it comes pretty cheap
so if i speak more clearly if i make more sense
will you just shut your mouth
you won't come across quite so dense

and so close your eyes
free your mind, you're free to fly
close your eyes
i free my mind, i'm free to fly
i said close your eyes
and may you free your mind
you're free to fly
i said close your eyes
and may you free your mind
close your eyes

close your eyes
i will free your mind, you're free to fly
this song is my anthem,
and it makes up my ideals
and who i am
has benefitted from all my cleverly planned meals
all my cleverly planned meals

today's horoscope...

'How silently, how silently, The wondrous gift is given! So God imparts to human hearts. The blessings of His heaven.' The words of this classic carol say plenty about your current situation. The very best developments in life often occur without noise or fuss. They creep up on us subtly. Often, we are so distracted by noisier and more dramatic factors that at first we do not even realise how our lives are changing. Then, we draw breath and suddenly, we see how fortunate we truly are. You will have this very experience soon.

journal entry 117...

well, yesterday was a big, fat waste.

i really shouldn't drink at all anymore. now that i've lost weight and drink so infrequently i really can't hold my liquor. yesterday i laid around ALL DAY nursing a hangover and feeling guilty watching movies and reading forksplit, eating like a goddamn pig and not writing a goddamn thing.

i SUUUUUUUUCCKKK!!!!

i kept trying to tell myself that it was okay because it was wednesday and it wasn't like the week was almost over or anything but you know what? that's bullshit. i've totally screwed off most of this week and i've got nothing to show for it.

i've got to get my shit together today and at least start on a poem for tomorrow. it's only 8 am so i have plenty of time if i just put my mind to it and get it done. no more fucking around.

maybe i could just put a little more pressure on myself and hang myself instead. gah.

i woke up feeling snotty today. like in sixth grade when my mom ruined my life by refusing to get me nikes like all the other assholes at school. she got me some generic shit from payless shoe source instead and i walked around pouting like a little bitch about it for months.

it's reassuring to know that i'm still an immature little baby twenty some years later. particularly when the cause of my distress is my own goddamn fault.

i'm going to go take a happy pill and see if a shower won't straighten me out.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

randomness seventy-one...

i just got back from the grocery store where i totally splurged. i bought fancy bleu cheese for my salad, a $5 bowl of cut melon, and a thing of pomegranate juice that cost $4 for a little bottle.

what am i, crazy?

no, just hungry.

randomness seventy...

i'm watching "the secret of roan inish" instead of writing because i suck.

i remember watching this with the girls back in '95 when i was a nanny. they really loved it and i remember they were all into that irish clog dancing or whatever it was called too. with michael? foley? flatley? was he the lord of the dance or something?

riverdancing.

i just googled it and michael flatley is indeed the "lord of the dance". kind of arrogant don't you think?

i think i'll start referring to myself as "queen of all things awesome". i hope it takes off.

journal entry 116...

last night i drank a $4 bottle of wine and watched a FRONTLINE episode about credit card debt and how the credit card companies are always coming up with new ways to screw people over.

then i did the online version of "drunk dialing" and left nonsensical comments on various blogs like an idiot. that's what happens when i wake up in a good mood and decide to start celebrating before the workday is even over.

i woke up feeling a little guilty this morning though, because i didn't write as much as i planned to yesterday. i dreamt that i had finished a bunch of essays and started a short story and was feeling pretty good about myself and then i woke up. isn't that the way it usually goes? it's that whole "and then i woke up" part.

well, it's a whole new day so i'll see if i can pull something together. considering it took me nearly 45 minutes just to write this pathetic little entry, i'm not too optimistic.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

randomness sixty-nine...

i think it's important that when a child tells you their dreams that you believe in them too.

like if they say, "when i grow up i'm going to move to ireland." you say, "and when you live in ireland i'm going to come visit you."

when my mom was little she would name her dreams and her people would say, "you're not going anywhere. get your shit together, girl. you're staying right here with the rest of us and you'll get married (if you're lucky) and that'll be your life. forget all these silly pipe dreams."

and look at her now. she forgot them alright.

or maybe what's worse, she didn't forget them, she just gave up on them because everyone else told her she had to.

she may have fucked me over in many ways but she always believed me when i told her my dreams. i'd say, "when i grow up i'm going to live in a big city and lots and lots of people will know me." and she would say, "good. make it a big city somewhere warm though, because i'm tired of freezing my fucking ass off at christmas."

she never said anything like, "come on, girl, be realistic. you'll get married and squeeze out some kids or die sad and alone and wish your life had turned out different just like everybody else."

even to this day i say, "i've got to figure out what i'm going to do. i just want to see myself in print; to know that someone else thinks people should read me."

and she always answers, "i can't wait until you're published either. we sure could use the money, huh? and we'll show those fuckwads then," she'll say, "won't we?"

randomness sixty-eight...

hee. i just found a gift CA gave me for my twenty-third birthday. it was in the goodwill bag i have waiting for when goodwill starts randomly going door to door asking people if they just happen to have any crap already bagged up that they'd like taken off their hands. i've got like six bags of great shit and no car to drop it off anywhere.

(dear goodwill, i'm sending you psychic brainwaves: pleeeease come get all my extra crap.)

i was rummaging through the bag because i just got an email from my mom informing me that she has a vcr. and a dvd player. since when?! i bought her the fucking tv a year ago and she didn't even know what a dvd was. where'd she get the money for a dvd player anyway? but i digress.

i just pulled out a bunch of videos i was going to give to goodwill but now i'm going to send them to my mom instead. while i was rummaging around in the bag i found one of my birthday gifts from 1993 and i can't BELIEVE i was going to get rid of it. it was my favorite gift ever! what was i even THINKING?!?!?!

deep thoughts - by jack handy

i highlighted my favorites. as you can see from the following list, i had an excellent sense of humor even then:

"if a kid asks where rain comes from, i think a cute thing to tell him is "god is crying." and if he asks why god is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something you did."

"if trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? we might, if they screamed all the time for no good reason."

"is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? and he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. and also, you're drunk."

"laurie got offended that i used the word "puke". but to me, that's what her dinner tasted like."

etc.

jesus, i remember laughing till i cried when i first read them. i think i was probably drunk but still.

i can't believe i was going to give this shit away. treasures i tell you!!!

(hi. i'm drunk again, but it's dark outside so it's okay. i am NOT wasting my life! no i'm not!!!)

randomness sixty-seven...

it's easy to spot movies from the 80s. usually richard dreyfus is in it and it has an anti-feminist slant. all strong, independent women are insane. or call girls. or victims. or castrating bitches. or all of the above.

"nuts" wasn't very good. i'm glad i didn't waste a netflix selection on it. they used to let you rate movies like this: 1 star = hated it, 2 stars = didn't like it, 3 stars = just okay, 4 stars = liked it, 5 stars = loved it. now 3 stars = liked it. i really miss the "just okay" selection because i didn't dislike "nuts", but i didn't like it either. it was predictable and heavy handed. silly in parts and ridiculous in others.

it's hard to see barbra streisand in movies though. and cher. i like them both very much, but it's hard to see them as the characters because i always see them as themselves. cher playing a single mom, barbra streisand playing some loudmouth woman.

anyway. there wasn't a lot to choose from at the library and beggars can't be choosers so there you go.

i think i'm going to make a large donation to the public library. they really need a better selection of dvds. maybe i'll include that suggestion with the donation. then again, maybe i won't.

i'm free now - lyrics by morphine

i'm free now to direct a movie
sing a song, or write a book about yours truly
how i'm so interesting, i'm so great
i'm really just a fuckup and it's such a waste
to burn down these walls around me
flexing like a heartbeat
we don't like to speak
don't talk to me for about a week
i'm sorry, it just hurts to explain
there's something going on that makes my guts ache

i got guilt, i got fear, i got regret
i'm just a panic-stricken waste i'm such a jerk
i was honest, i swear
the last thing i want to do
honest, i swear
the last thing i want to do
is ever cause you pain

i'm free now
free to look out the window
free to live my story
free to sing along

i'm free now to direct a movie
sing a song, or write a book about yours truly
how i'm so interesting, i'm so great
but i'm really just a fuckup, it's such a waste
to burn down these walls around me
flexing like a heartbeat
we don't like to speak
don't talk to me for about a week
i'm sorry, it just hurts to explain
there's something going on that makes my guts ache inside

i got guilt, i got fear, i got regret
i'm just a panic-stricken waste i'm such a jerk
i was honest, i swear
the last thing i want to do
honest, i swear
the last thing i want to do
is ever cause you pain

journal entry 115...

i don't know who i think i'm kidding here.

the library is no place to get any work done. i feel all conspicuous and out of place. these people all know i don't belong here and that i don't know the reference desk from my elbow.

(my ass from my elbow sounds so much better than the reference desk from my elbow but this is what you get when you attempt library humor.)

anyway.

i decided to rent "nuts" and "how to make an american quilt". i've never wanted to waste netflix selections on them and they're free so there you go.

i've been sitting here for an hour trying to get all creative and prolific but i'm falling right back in my old study habits, those excellent skills that got me kicked out of school in the first place.

i highlighted a few lines from one poem and corrected typos on a couple of others. then i leaned back in my chair and studied the guy's scalp across from me: greasy. that little itch should be telling him something.

(hello, judgemental!)

checked email. checked favorite blogs. more scalp inspecting.

good lord. next thing i'll be heading home for a bong hit and "21 jumpstreet" reruns.

i don't think it's possible for me to be creative in a library. or even to concentrate for that matter. and this chair is giving me a backache. it's cool that they have free wifi though. so i can check email.

god i suck.

eeee! a cute boy sat down at the table across from mine. he has an ibook like mine too. he just looked up at me and i looked away and blushed like an idiot.

this is totally like college. i gotta get out of here.

i did start a new poem though. it goes like this:

spalding gray nearly killed me
or nearly injured me anyway

that's all i've got so far. it's based on a real incident and i'm sure it's going to be the best thing i've ever written. or not.

this is all just me trying to kill time and act like i'm creative and disciplined when really i just want to go home and open a bottle of wine and watch barbra streisand go nuts.

fuck it. i think i'm going to. because i suck like that and never follow through with what i say. i'd better leave that off of my mentor application though. gah.

randomness sixty-six...

i can tell i'm getting better. i don't wake up sad anymore and i actually saw J from my apartment window yesterday as he was walking to the bus stop and it didn't even hurt. not a twinge. (of course he was alone though.)

and i didn't even bother to mention it until now.

i can tell i'm getting better because my potty mouth has returned and everything isn't tempered by grief and insecurity anymore. or as much anyway.

i can tell i'm getting better because it's all "fuck this" and "load of shit" that instead of "raindrops wash down soot covered windows as i lay silently weeping".

hahaha. god, i can be so dramatic.

and i love that about myself.

journal entry 114...

alright, yesterday was my freebie but today i mean business.

i didn't write jackshit yesterday. i came home after the movie and watched "mad about you" and then "everybody loves raymond" which, why THE FUCK does anyone watch that show? it's the most sexist, negative piece of shit i've seen since i don't know when. the wife is a nagging, castrating bitch and the mother-in-law is the stereotypical selfish, guilt tripping pain in the ass. and the father-in-law? good lord. he's such a hateful prick. to EVERYBODY. i don't see why people like that show. i watched one episode and it bummed me the fuck out. totally depressing. not the least bit funny, unless you think people being shitty and mean to one another is funny.

anyway, that kind of put me in a mood so i just vegged in front of the tv for the rest of the night telling myself it was okay that i was totally wasting my time because hey, i'm on vacation.

well that was then and this is now. today i'm going to do my yoga, take my shower, and head down to the library and see if i can get some work done. maybe i'll stop by the asian art museum on my way home. art and culture count as "doing something", oprah and sitcoms do not.

i did read "brokeback mountain" again before i went to sleep so the day wasn't totally wasted. i enjoyed it more the second time, especially after seeing the movie. they did such a good job of staying true to it.

by the way, is it ang lee as in "anger" or "angie"? i heard it on an interview recently but i immediately forgot and now it's bugging me. they don't give you a pronunciation on imbd either. i guess they expect you to already know this shit if you're going to bother looking up his career.

i've got a dozen poems started and only half of them are self-indulgent pieces of crap. the other half i can work with. today my goal is to finish at least three of them and maybe start a short story. even if it sucks at least i'll be getting the crap out of my system and flexing my creative muscles again. i've got to start using them before they atrophy and i turn into one of the morons who loves "everybody loves raymond".

god forbid.

Monday, December 19, 2005

journal entry 113...

i just got home from the movie. it was just as good as everybody says. better than i expected even. except for the one queen sitting behind me who had to laugh extra loud and/or comment on every freaking thing it was quite a lovely experience.

it was really sweet and tender and romantic and i totally cried because it was heartbreaking too. that line "if ya can't fix it ya gotta stand it." and then the flashback when ennis came up behind jack and whispered "you're the one." god, it killed me.

such a fucking tragedy that people can't just love who they love without fear of repercussions from the rest of the world. fuck it, ya know? love is hard enough as it is. if you find THE ONE, your soulmate, the love of your life, you should get to keep them and to hell with everyone else.

i also thought they did a really good job of staying true to annie proulx's story. it was just beautiful and satisfying all the way around. the only thing i regret is eating the entire bag of twizzlers. oh well, you only live once. thank god.

journal entry 112...

dreaming about cory got me to thinking about college again and karla and eric. we had so many excellent times. i mean, i didn't spend a lot of time studying and eventually lost my scholarship coz i was working fulltime at mcdonalds and trying to have a social life at the dorms at the same time. there wasn't much time left over for studying when you also factored in reruns of "alf" and all nighters experimenting with drugs.

what a dork i was. but that was the late 80s and damned if i don't have some great memories even though many of them are clouded by a haze of pot smoke and fuzzy navels. i must've listened to "the wall" 9000 times that first year.

i was an honor student and totally straight edge until i got to college. well, until i graduated from high school anyway. i think i started experimenting with alcohol the summer i graduated and then moved onto sex and by my second semester of college i was pretty familiar with the receiving end of a bong.

ironically it was eric who turned me onto acid. he was a born again christian and his family was very devout. his little brother was a major "deadhead" though, in those days when there was that whole grateful dead, hippie revival thing going on.

(i'm embarassed to admit it, but i totally fell for all that crap too and owned a shitload of tie-dyes and TWO pairs of birkenstocks. ack! i snapped out if it in 1990 though so all's well that ends well.)

anyway, i remember one time eric and i went to some park in johnson county and "tripped balls". haha. i used to love to say that. "how you doin' over there, eric, coz i'm trippin' balls over here."

he was trippin' balls too and we kept taking pictures of each other and laughing about how dialated our pupils were and how his parents would trip balls of their own if they ever found out.

god, that was a great day. everything was so vivid and clear. i felt like i could see into the future and everything there was beautiful. i love, love, LOVED everything, even the humidity and the gnats. i still remember how my face and cheeks hurt from laughing and smiling so much. in the pictures i'm wearing a pink checkered tank top and my hair is all windblown and blonde.

yeah. so that's what i was just thinking about while i cleaned out babycat's litterbox, killing time before my date (with myself): trippin' balls with eric in the summer of '89. maybe i should spend more time in the good memories and stop giving so much energy to the bad. i do have a lot of good ones to reflect on, after all, and the bad ones just make me feel tired and old.

journal entry 111...

today is my first "official" day of vacation and i woke up early anyway.

it's kind of annoying that it's raining and it's supposed to rain all week. last monday when i checked the forecast it was supposed to be clear and sunny all week. even on xmas. i checked it this morning though and it's rain, rain, rain all the way through. oh well, i guess it's a good excuse to stay in and work on my writing and not feel guilty about not getting any fresh air.

last night i dreamt about one of my stepbrothers and this guy i used to be really good friends with in college. we both lived in oliver and used to hangout all the time. i dated his roommate eric. (this is in real life, not the dream.) in the dream i was moving into this giant new house and my stepbrother lived in one of the rooms, cory (from college) lived in one of the others. i think we were dating or something because i kept wondering if you could hear through the walls. i didn't want anyone to know we were sleeping together.

in another dream i was on some sort of reality gameshow that was kind of like "survivor" except at the end you got to marry a celebrity. the celebrity in this case was tim from "the office" and i was really excited. in the dream i was actually in love with him and he with me. we couldn't wait for the whole thing to be over so we could finally be together again. i was concerned that i might not win the final challenge but somehow i snuck in and tried on the ring and it fit me perfectly so i knew how it would turn out. i just wanted to get to the end and get on with our life together.

it was a very pleasant dream. i felt all giddy and excited and happy. butterflies in my stomach and a real, deep sense of well-being. i was relieved to have finally found someone to love, someone who loved me back.

and then i woke up.

ah well. it's not that bad. i guess i didn't really realize how much i do want to be in a relationship again, to be in love with someone who's in love with me. to share and care and trust and laugh and feel that deep connection, that sense of being part of a secret club that no one else can join.

it'll happen again. the first part is acknowledging it, right? i've been in denial ever since J and i broke up. i've been telling myself that i didn't want a relationship ever again, that it's too much work. that someone always ends up brokenhearted.

mostly i think i was just afraid of getting hurt or of hurting someone. i was afraid no one else would ever fall in love with me again anyway. i didn't feel like going through the hassle, making the effort. i'm starting to think that maybe now i do though.

i want to feel that overwehlming sense of joy and desire, that feeling that tim and dawn reminded me of when they walked out of the holiday party holding hands so tightly like they were something that no one could ever break apart.

i know it's just a show, but it's true too. tim and dawn totally remind me of kirk and me back in the day. i've never felt another love like that since. i hope to though. it's a great big world full of possibility. i'm going to start believing in it again.

hey, what's with me and all this positive positivity? on saturday i was all full of hate and despair and look at me now all confident that my life won't always be a heaping pile of shit. it's so unlike me.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

randomness sixty-five...

i just watched "the office special" again and totally cried like a baby. i love the dawn and tim part so much.

best. ending. ever.

a better son/daughter - lyrics by rilo kiley

sometimes in the morning i am petrified and can't move
awake but cannot open my eyes
and the weight is crushing down on my lungs i know i can't breath
and hope someone will save me this time
and your mother's still calling you insane and high
swearing it's different this time
and you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
and that god never blessed her insides
then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
crawl back into bed to dream of a time
when your heart was open wide and you loved things just because
like the sick and the dying

and sometimes when you're on you're really fucking on
and your friends they sing along and they love you
but the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap
and it teases you for weeks in its absence
but you'll fight and you'll make it through
you'll fake it if you have to
and you'll show up for work with a smile
and you'll be better you'll be smarter
more grown up and a better daughter
or son and a real good friend
and you'll be awake and you'll be alert
you'll be positive though it hurts
and you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
and you'll be a real good listener
you'll be honest, you'll be brave
you'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful
you'll be happy

your ship may be coming in
you're weak but not giving in
to the cries and the wails of the valley below
your ship may be coming in
you're weak but not giving in
and you'll fight it you'll go out fighting all of them...

randomness sixty-four...

i am not embarassed to say that i liked "fever pitch".

okay, i am a little embarassed to say it, but i did enjoy it. i needed something lighthearted and mindless yesterday and it did the trick. also? jimmy fallon. i must admit i was totally objectifying him and not caring at all what was in his heart. hee.

i liked "charlie and the chocolate factory" too, even though lots of other people didn't. johnny depp made me laugh.

tomorrow i'm taking myself on a date to see "brokeback mountain". i'll try not to take advantage of me. hee again.

journal entry 110...

i had dinner with bo and xt last night which was nice.

two social events in one week. look at me go.

it was nice to see them, it had been months.

i told them about what's been going on with me and the whole thing with J & A and seeing them yesterday and how i've bailed on the old crew too. i basically gave them the condensed version of all of the crap i've been going through over the past year that i had previously been keeping to myself: J and i breaking up, my mom's life falling apart, the politics of the womens' group, the bachelorette, J & A, etc. they were relieved to hear it all because they had no idea why i had started turning away and becoming so secretive and closed off. it all made sense when i spilled my guts.

they said they were sorry for not being there for me and i said i was sorry for not letting them.

it felt good to let it all out and to trust them with my secrets and my heart and let them back in. it's been such a huge and painful burden i've been carrying around all by myself. it really has been crippling and deforming me. they were very supportive and compassionate and understanding. it was a relief to let some of it go and stop pretending.

we also talked about the old crew and it turns out that they didn't enjoy that group or feel comfortable or happy there either. we were all doing it out of some unspoken sense of duty. for the past year we'd all been thinking how much that situation sucked but none of us wanted to offend the other by saying anything. we laughed about how much time we wasted doing things we didn't want to because we felt like we had to and how from now on we're going to tell each other the truth and only do what we really want to do. obligations are for work, not friendships. friendships and personal relationships should be enjoyable and something to look forward to, not something to dread.

it feels good to be simplifying my life. i had six years of baggage piled up and weighing me down and now i've given it up and made space in my life again for the people and the things i truly love. now that i've "cleaned the slate", so to speak, i can add things back into my life but more discriminatly this time. life is short and i don't want to waste anymore time with people who don't care about me and vice versa.

i feel like i'm starting to ramble. the thunder and lightening are distracting me. i'll try again later.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

journal entry 109...

you know, the thing is, sure i reacted badly and in a bitter, negative way, but i survived it. it was the first time i've seen them together and of course it was going to be a shock and upset me. i could've handled it better and not let it get to me, but you know what? at least THEY didn't see me freak out. at least i didn't show them how much they hurt me. how much i hate them.

i saw them together and i survived it and everything is going to be okay. it can only get better from here.

the real healing starts now.

journal entry 108...

i just got home after seeing J & A on my way to breakfast. this is what i wrote at the diner immediately following the experience. it isn't pretty so i apologize in advance. i'm so not evolved.

i saw J & A together this morning on my way to breakfast.

it was early so the first thing i thought was: she must've stayed the night so obviously they're sleeping together. as if i didn't know that already.

the second thing i thought was: gross.

i wanted them to see me but i don't think they did. they looked normal. not happy, not sad, but like a couple. they weren't holding hands or anything, they just looked comfortable together like couples do.

it didn't really make me sad or anything, it made me sick with anger. my whole body was shaking and my legs felt wobbly as i was walking. i wanted to catch up with them. not to talk to them, but i wanted THEM to see ME and feel bad.

i was filled with rage. hatred. i think i just devolved about thirty levels. suddenly i'm back in tenth grade hating beth story for fucking my boyfriend because i wouldn't. A is beth story version 9.0 and i hate her.

i can't help it. i know i shouldn't. i know it doesn't help anything or change anything or resolve anything but i just can't help it. she disgusts me. and J? well, he disgusts me too, but i feel less for him. almost nothing, just a numb emptiness with his name inside of it.

as they were hailing a cab together (and this i'm not proud of) i thought to myself "how ugly she is. so mousey and dull and unoriginal." i wanted J to see me. see how much prettier and bolder i am than she. i wanted a sharp pang of longing to pierce his heart and i wanted her to witness it. i wanted her to see that she will NEVER be able to replace me. she will never be able to do it better or succeed where i failed or make something work that i was unable to. she will always be second best. the one he chose because he couldn't have me.

i will always be the one he wanted first. most. she didn't exist when we were together. he was blind to EVERYONE else but me. if i hadn't left him it would still be that way. she is the consolation prize, i will always be door number one.

the thing is though, that they really are perfect for one another. and i don't mean this in a sarcastic, bitchy way, but i was out of his league. hers too. they are both followers and i was the leader. i challenged and inspired and encouraged and MOVED them. they didn't do any of those things for me. well, they flattered me and admired me, but that's not the same thing. that doesn't make a person feel full. it still leaves an emptiness behind. a longing to be understood.

they were dull. tiring.

so why then do i even care?

they really are perfect for one another and well matched: both upper middle-class backgrounds to my trailer park history. married parents to my thrice divorced mom. both flakey, unambitious dreamers to my competitive, driven "type a". both sensitive, needy, loving and affectionate to my secretive, standoffish, often cold persona.

(see i can admit they're not ENTIRELY bad and that i too have flaws.)

they have a lot in common and i'm sure they'll be very happy together for a long, long time.

and i will find my happiness elsewhere.

THIS i do mean in a bitchy way though: he was NOT a good lover and now he's all hers. good riddance.


so. there it is. that's what a vindictive little bitch i REALLY am. my true colors showing clearly. and here i was thinking i was getting better, becoming a better person. not so fast there, little lady. it had just happened though. i was in shock.

seeing them again though, together, solidified my decision not to ever try and reestablish a friendship with J. i just want to let it all go. i wish them well and send them off into the world to be happy together and out of my life forever.

the end. history. bygones.

i could really use a drink right now.

randomness sixty-three...

i just received this in an email from my mother. she didn't name the source so bad on her. i appreciate the sentiment though.

12/26/05
Food For Thought:

The spirit of the tree teaches us to serve others as we serve ourselves. While the tree stands and proclaims its place in the world, it also provides shade, shelter, home, and food for other beings. From its center it teaches us the lessons of its spirit:

* Have a foundation with deep roots, and stand firm in your place within the world.

* Reach upward to touch lofty things, and outward to extend yourself to the world.

* Provide shade for those who need rest, and shelter for those who come to you.

* Bear fruit, and be abundant.

* In the winters of your life, conserve your resources. In your springs, take advantage of the opportunities for new growth. In your summers, expand, thrive, and reach new heights. In your falls, release what no longer serves, make preparations, and await renewal.

* When all is said and done, leave behind some seeds.


so i guess this blog is my fruit, these posts my seeds.

journal entry 107...

babycat and i are having a stare down and it's hard to type like this.

there. she just closed her eyes so i won. i'm sure she thinks she did though. she closed her eyes as if to say "you bore me." and i'm sure i do.

last night my dreams were exhausting: traveling, miscommunication, fires, flesh eating bacteria, a run in with J & A, a book signing, and a new dandy warhols movie. oh and an enormous winnebago that purposely tried to run me over even though i clearly had the right of way.

jesus.

the symbolism was all pretty blatant though so no need to consult the dream dictionary. at least i don't have to wear myself out any further trying to dicipher anything since i'm a bit frazzled from a frenzied night of sleep.

aaaannnyway.

the ones with J & A made me sad. i wish i'd just get the fuck over them already. i am so, so, so, so sick of thinking about them when i'm awake and i'd certainly appreciate it if they steered clear of my sleep. it's the least they could do. assholes.

good lord. someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

i'm going to go take a shower and start over.

Friday, December 16, 2005

don't make a sound - lyrics by azure ray

you could go anywhere anytime and find someone
but how will you know if he's kind
the sun is out but happiness
only reminds you of the people you hurt
mistakes that you made when you were down

and where are you now
you're sweeping up these sorry streets
and i knew somehow when you looked up and over me
that you could look up these words
but you still won't understand
they mean nothing to you
so write them in the sand
and watch the water wash them away

and where are you now
you're sweeping up these sorry streets
and i knew somehow when you looked up and over me
that you could sit on your front porch
and watch the wasps dive down
you could go out every night
and force cheap beer down
you could go all day
and not make a sound

journal entry 106...

as of right now i am on vacation until january 3rd, 2006. yay me!

i promise not to waste very much time and to really try and write lots and lots of stuff.

(that will be my new year's resolution too, not just my goal for vacation.)

also. my boss gave me a $200 amex gift card for xmas because she is the swellest boss ever. (it was from the whole team, but i'm sure she thought it up and is still waiting for them all to chip in so i'm giving her all the credit.)

i'm going to use it to buy a new tv because watching movies on my thirteen year-old SHARP is a whole bunch of bullshit. she's been a good friend to me and i'll miss her but this blue blob that continuously rolls up the left side of the screen after it warms up just isn't cutting it anymore.

gosh. now i'm kind of feeling nostalgic about it though. i'll miss her. ol' sharpie was one of the first purchases mark and i made together when we moved out here. at that department store in mountain view that no longer exists. and i got to keep her, the vcr, and the microwave in the break-up. he got to keep the car.

i'm still very satisfied with the trade all these years later.

friday poetry blogging - fifth edition...

the dreamer - by me (broken ladder)

frequently i dream
of dilapidated houses
breaking down,
porches buckling
under white snow

(sometimes my mother lives there)

many rooms fill the house
all sparsely furnished,
yellowed wallpaper peeling
and stairs that give up
halfway through
collapsing into a splintery slide
into darkness

freud was once there at the bottom
waiting to catch me
at least i think it was him -
older man, cigar, white hair and beard,
the glasses

i wanted to ask him
what it all meant,
the symbols, their representative
purpose

but suddenly he changed
into an elephant
and i was riding him
along the beach
as a great storm
was approaching

(waves crashed against condos)

another time it was my mother
down there in the dark
who was waiting to catch me
her arms stretched high
her open mouth: a gaping black hole
her eyes: wide, empty sockets
i screamed in this one
tried to claw my way back
up the slide

but suddenly it changed again
and i was sitting in a car
with the heater going
waiting for the windows to defrost,
watching the old farmhouse
crumble before me

daughter - lyrics by vienna teng

well it's you and it's me
me with a drink in my hand
the ice is tinkling like a wind chime
and late afternoon settles over the land
and you're talking about things
interesting just slightly
and things that matter too much
to say any way but lightly

did you know you're so beautiful
on the edge of summer
that years from now
i'll cry to remember
how very close you were
knowing this will i reach for you
knowing this will i reach for you
the way you want me to

well it's time to be wise
wise in the ways of the heart
to come out from under the covers
this voluntary state of apart
from the faces, oasis
in this sahara of sorrow
these graces that hold me
it's from you that i borrow

did you know you're so beautiful
on the edge of summer
that years from now
i'll cry to remember
how very close you were
knowing this will i reach for you
knowing this will i reach for you
the way you want me to

journal entry 105...

very bizarre dreams last night. i can't really remember any of them but the last one involved me, jon stewart, a fancy hotel, 300 pounds of lost clothes and very bad weather on the way.

i have no idea what it was supposed to mean.

twelve hours from now and i will be on vacation. i'm really looking forward to it. i'm going to do my best to not waste any time. certainly i'm going to relax a bit, but i'm also going to make good use of my time. do as much reading and writing as possible. maybe check out a couple of coffee shops, visit some museums. take pictures.

i better do all this shit because i hate when i tell myself i will and then i don't.

lots of songs have been reminding me of mom lately and of course that always makes me cry. so many years wasted avoiding one another, the problems.

i guess we are trying to work things out now though. we talk more and write. we try to tell the truth about our feelings. she no longer hides behind booze. sometimes i do.

it's difficult with her so far away. if she lived closer we could go into therapy together and work some things out. (if she lived closer we'd NEED to go into therapy and work things out.) i'm glad we're talking again though. trying. someday it will pay off and all this awkward suffering will be worth it.

i'm feeling a bit out of sorts today; not sure what i want to say or how to say it. maybe after my shower.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

randomness sixty-two...

it finally came to me.

i've got a rough draft for tomorrow's poem.

tonight all i have to do is go home and work out the kinks. pare it down a bit.

but at least it's a start and i won't be haunted by a blank page all night.

randomness sixty-one...

i remember when he used to write on his blog about how much he loved me and how wonderful i was.

and then he wrote a song for me for my birthday which wasn't very good (he rhymed "seed" with "queen" which kind of bothered me) but was incredibly sweet. he always wanted to play it for me and burned it onto a cd but it made me feel silly and uncomfortable so i rarely listened to it.

at the time i thought this is going to end badly one day. i'm going to break his heart. i don't want to, but there will be no way around it.

it was a really great birthday though. i can't remember any that were better.

randomness sixty...

good lord. that song by the story always makes me cry like a baby.

it's as if my own mother wrote it just for me.

now i'm crying just thinking about how i always cry when i hear that song.

so much mine - lyrics by the story

where'd you get that dress?
where'd you learn to walk like that?
don't talk back
tell me where you've been - maybe i don't want to know
oh, lord, why me?

you were so much, so much mine, now i reach for you
and i cannot find you
so much, so much mine, now i reach for you
and i cannot find you

so much mine
so much mine
so much mine

you know you've got my hands,
and you've got your father's eyes - lovely, bold eyes
i know that it's not fair, but things aren't always what they
seem - and now i worry so

where you'll lay your head, where you'll sleep tonight,
way up high, why, oh why can't i
someone's pillow's cold, someone loved you so,
and bluebirds sang, "there's no place like home"
(they sang)

where's the heart in me that made the one in you so cold,
please don't go
'cause i know where you got that dress,
i know where you learned to walk like that

'cause you were so much, so much mine
now i reach for you
and i cannot find you
so much, so much mine
now i reach for you and i cannot find you

(where you'll lay your head, where you'll sleep tonight,
way up high, why, oh why can't i
someone's pillow's cold, someone loved you so,
and bluebirds sang, "there's no place like home"
they sang)

so much mine
so much mine
so much mine
so much mine, so much mine

journal entry 104...

i just realized that tomorrow is friday and i haven't been working on my poem. now the pressure's on if i'm going to have something ready to post. i hope i can finish something that doesn't suck. or doesn't suck too much, anyway.

yesterday was kind of weird. i wasn't really sad or upset but i was still hyperconscious and fixated on what J & A may or may not be doing together.

i guess it's good that it didn't make me sad and that i can finally acknowledge it fully without wanting to cry, but i do wish i could stop thinking about it so much altogether. it's such a waste of time and no good comes from it.

i think my problem is that i want to be RIGHT and i want everyone to acknowledge that. i want people to say "wow, yeah, that is so fucked up and wrong. they are a couple of selfish bastards and you totally didn't and don't deserve to be treated that way."

it's kind of ridiculous that i need so much validation. i'm a grown woman. you'd think i'd be better than this by now. ego, ego, ego, that seems to be what i'm all about these days. not very "evolved" of me.

anyway, i spent a good part of yesterday afternoon reading through the archives at oblivio and falling a little bit in love with him with every post i read.

my next love will definitely be with a writer. i hope.

as i was walking home from work i was thinking about all of the qualities i'd like in my next lover and the list is somewhat specific: a kind, witty, clever, generous, affectionate, attractive, non-smoking, thirtysomething writer who has the same taste in music and movies as i do and who won't hesitate to tell me how lovely and amazing and loved i am and won't be frightened off by the force of passion and love i return. someone who will inspire and challenge me.

i thought to myself it's very possible that this person does not exist, or is already involved in a satisfying relationship. don't you want to be a little more vague in your desires so as not to limit your options? and part of me responded yes and another part asked why? because really, don't i deserve someone like that? haven't i settled for far less my whole life?

the answer to those questions is obviously "yes" and "yes" but then i also think that i've had good relationships with people who weren't any or all of those things and they've helped me grow into who i am today. that at least makes it worth it, right? i don't know. probably. but still, i'd really love to finally find THE ONE. the one who will change my life for the better and bring out all the best in me. someone i can really trust and love on the deepest level.

so maybe i'll change my wish to "please let me find THE ONE who will change my life for the better and bring out all the best in me. someone i can really trust and love on the deepest level. someone who will love and trust me equally in return." that seems vague enough but satisfying too. but really i guess i should be sending out the wish that i receive whatever/whomever it is that i'm meant to receive for my own highest good.

that's all very zen and evolved and mature and everything, but who am i kidding? i want what i want. and that's my problem right there. gah.

waiting for my real life to begin - colin hay

any minute now, my ship is coming in
i'll keep checking the horizon
i'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
come crashing down down down, on me

and you say, be still my love
open up your heart
let the light shine in
but don't you understand
i already have a plan
i'm waiting for my real life to begin

when i awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
but in my dreams, i slew the dragon
and down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
i'm walking in my old footsteps, once again
and you say, just be here now
forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
let me throw one more dice
i know that i can win
i'm waiting for my real life to begin

any minute now, my ship is coming in
i'll keep checking the horizon
and i'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
it's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
it's just that times are lean

and you say, be still my love
open up your heart, let the light shine in
don't you understand
i already have a plan
i'm waiting for my real life to begin

on a clear day i can see for a long way
on a clear day i can see for a long way

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

randomness fifty-nine...

in a particularly non-zenlike moment i looked out the window fully expecting to see A on the corner waiting for J. i expected that at the exact moment i looked out there he would be walking up quickly, eagerly, to embrace her.

and this made me mad.

i thought they're both probably really happy right now and it didn't seem fair. how they can manage to go on and be happy without me. how they can go on and be happy without shame or guilt.

and this made me mad.

i'm not particularly proud of it, i'm just stating the facts.

the atheist christmas carol - lyrics by vienna teng

it's the season of grace coming out of the void
where a man is saved by a voice in the distance
it's the season of possible miracle cures
where hope is currency and death is not the last unknown
where time begins to fade
and age is welcome home

it's the season of eyes meeting over the noise
and holding fast with sharp realization
it's the season of cold making warmth a divine intervention
you are safe here you know now

don't forget
don't forget i love
i love
i love you

it's the season of scars and of wounds in the heart
of feeling the full weight of our burdens
it's the season of bowing our heads in the wind
and knowing we are not alone in fear
not alone in the dark

don't forget
don't forget i love
i love
i love you...

randomness fifty-eight...

this is what keeps running through my head even though i'm not really thinking about it or even feeling particularly upset:

my ex-boyfriend is dating my friend and now i'm all 'fuck the sisterhood'.

i don't really mean it though. the 'fuck the sisterhood' part. the rest of it however, is true and i guess what i really mean is:

my ex-boyfriend is a dick and he's dating my ex-friend who is a backstabbing skank and now i'm all 'fuck the both of 'em'.

a bit of a departure from my efforts to be zentastic over the whole thing, but true nonetheless. or should that be none the less?

randomness fifty-seven...

in line at the drugstore, the lady before me paid by check.

i thought to myself they still have those?

it seemed very old-fashioned. archaic.

in a way it was kind of endearing though.

randomness fifty-six...

the line about not praying for an easier life, but rather, praying to be a stronger person.

yeah. something like that.

randomness fifty-five...

wow. i've been really long-winded lately.

give me a little outside stimulation and i go nuts.

journal entry 103...

last night BE came over and we went out for a couple of beers. it was nice to see him.

it's been so long since i've been out, or even since i've socialized with anyone. i wasn't sure how i'd do, especially since we haven't seen each other since april. i was worried we'd fall back into our old habits and start bickering or fussing right away, but we didn't. we actually got along surprisingly well. it was nice to see him and we promised to do it again more frequently.

i didn't really go into all of the gory details of what's been going on with me, i sort of just skimmed over it all, highlighting the major points like J & A but kind of glossing over them so as not to put a damper on the night. he was pretty supportive and didn't really press me to elaborate so it was good.

it was really nice to be social again. i think i really am finally starting to emerge from the fog of depression. i'm not bouncing off the walls with joy, but i don't wanna hang myself either.

BE has changed a lot in the past few months too. for the better. now he bikes to work so he's not in his car listening to fucked up talk radio all the time anymore. needless to say, his politics have gotten better and he's no longer spouting off rightwing bullshit. he's even advocating for more bicycle parking at the expense of car parking. i never thought i'd see that day. he finally understands what i've been talking about all these years while he's been telling me i was being ridiculous. definitely a pleasant surprise, that.

i think we've both kind of changed for the better and mellowed out a bit. also, i think we were really happy to be together again and we really wanted to get along. we were a lot more amiable and accepting of one another than we used to be.

absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.

he finally left around 10:30 (way past my bedtime!) and i was kind of amped from all the external stimulation so i checked email and watched a little tv and finally fell asleep around 11:30. that's later than i've even been staying up on weekends lately!

BO sent me an email and wants to get together on friday. i haven't seen her since my birthday either. she's been going through a rough patch at work and is really unhappy so i suppose i'll be comforting and advising her which will be nice. i'll be glad not to focus on all of my crap for once and to be able to make someone else feel better.

i'm going to take it slow and be very particular about who i let back in, but i think i am going to start being a bit more social again. i'm not going to go nuts or anything, but maybe once a week with BE or another of the few people i still want to stay connected to. the main thing is i can't let it interfere with my writing or my healing/self-improvement process.

i think being entirely alone and not being with anyone for the past couple of months has been really good for me though. it's given me a chance to really go inside of myself and face my problems and work on them instead of ignoring them by focusing on other things. in the past i've always been able to avoid my issues by distracting myself with relationships, work, volunteering, activism and all the rest of that. those things are all still really important to me, but in moderation. i can't use them as a crutch or an avoidance mechanism.

anyway, the point is that i think i really am making progress and becoming a better person than i was even a few short months ago and that makes me happy. i really want to be a kinder, gentler, more compassionate and patient version of myself and i think i'm finally moving in the right direction.

i guess there's hope for me after all.