Tuesday, December 13, 2005

journal entry 101...

i've been trying to figure out what i'm going to make for dessert for xmas dinner with CA & CL and i finally decided. i've been wanting to make a cobbler but i was intimidated by the recipes i have...until yesterday! i found a really easy one that i threw together last night after work for practice. it turned out really yummy so i've got my dish. i'm taking blueberry cobbler to dinner. yay me!

i had another night filled wih really busy, bizarre dreams. in one i was good friends with jennifer aniston. so good in fact, that she came over to my house to cry on my shoulder over brad and then she took a shower to pull herself together. i was worried because i didn't have any clean, dry towels for when she got out.

subconsciously i must feel like we have something in common since she was betrayed and heartbroken by brad and i was betrayed and heartbroken by J and A, and that we'd make good friends. she does seem sweet and fun in her interviews. i'd totally be her friend.

in another dream, i was with my boyfriend at a motel and the people next door were going to kill someone. i ran across the street to get help and they saw me and started to shoot at me but then stopped and went back inside. i don't know who the guy that was supposed to be my boyfriend was. i don't know him in real life, but in the dream i felt happy and safe with him. maybe it was a premonition and i'm not doomed to a life of bitter loneliness after all.

one can hope. (i dream of a person possibly getting murdered and all i can think about is myself and my lovelife. selfish!)

i'm supposed to meet BE for a beer on thursday. it will be the first night out i've had since october. i hope it's not disappointing. i'm sure it will be.

i also got and email from AM asking me where i've been and what i've been up to. i haven't responded yet because she's kind of out of the loop and only on the fringe of the old gang so i don't really know what to say to her. i don't want to come off all crazy and bitter when i tell her about my exodus from all of them. it's going to be difficult.

it was nice to feel cared about though. i figured she'd written me off like all the rest of them and that i'd never hear from her again. i thought they'd "won" her in the "divorce" so to speak. it's comforting to know that she didn't and that i have more friends than i thought i did.

i also emailed MA. she's left a several voicemails over the past few months and i haven't responded so i finally wrote her an email to give her the gist of what's been going on with me and to tell her that i want to mend what's broken between us.

our relationship has been complicated and strained for the past nine months. we were both going through difficult times and instead of reaching out, we turned away from one another and into ourselves. hopefully we can fix that and rebuild our relationship. she is someone i really care about

so that's the way things are going. i'm starting to feel better about myself and hopeful again. i'm starting to take positive steps for my future. baby steps. slow, but sure.

patience is my lesson, after all.

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