Tuesday, December 13, 2005

journal entry 102...

sometimes i can be so, so sensitive it kind of startles me. the lyrics to a song or the sound of laughter coming from far away can make my heart swell up and my eyes suddenly explode with tears. i try to hold it in but sometimes it just comes out anyway.

as i was walking to work this morning i was thinking about J & A and my attitude and how it needs to change.

number one, i need to stop obsessing over them and focusing so much attention on how i feel about their relationship. i need to change my perspective and see this as a positive thing that has led me to the point in my life that i'm at now: a point of self-discovery and self-improvement.

before i was always looking outside of myself at what needed to change around me so that i felt better and happier instead of what i needed to change inside of me to adapt to what's going on around me.

i was really negative and angry and frustrated with people and situations around me and i was always looking for a way to get out of it, to break away from those anchors and go in a new direction. this painful and disappointing situation has given me that at least: a reason and a way to start over.

it's a slow process and i still screw it up on a regular basis, but i'm trying.

part of the problem continues to be my attitude and my perspective. i focus on J & A being happy together and it makes me angry and hurts my feelings and i feel left out of some inside joke. she has moved into the place that was supposed to be meant for me and my ego has a difficult time accepting that. it really pisses me off that she would have the nerve to try and "replace me".

and so the anger snowballs and i start hoping they feel sad or guilty and that they are miserable together and regret everything and eventually break up and come running back to me for forgiveness. and that's such a childish, irresponsible, unkind, unhealthy way of thinking.

i'm better than that.

what i need to do instead of wishing unhappiness and misfortune on them i should be wishing peace, and joy, and love, and acceptance for myself. instead of giving in to so much negativity, i should turn it around.

so from now on when i think of them together i'm going to try and wish for acceptance; that i no longer feel hurt or angry over it. and i am going to hope for peace of mind and a deep sense of joy to replace those hard, hurt feelings. and that a new love will enter my life who will help mend my broken heart and rebuild my capacity to trust.

because the reality of it is that we're all on a very difficult journey and we're all seeking love and acceptance in life, and we all deserve it. even J & A.

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