Wednesday, December 14, 2005

journal entry 103...

last night BE came over and we went out for a couple of beers. it was nice to see him.

it's been so long since i've been out, or even since i've socialized with anyone. i wasn't sure how i'd do, especially since we haven't seen each other since april. i was worried we'd fall back into our old habits and start bickering or fussing right away, but we didn't. we actually got along surprisingly well. it was nice to see him and we promised to do it again more frequently.

i didn't really go into all of the gory details of what's been going on with me, i sort of just skimmed over it all, highlighting the major points like J & A but kind of glossing over them so as not to put a damper on the night. he was pretty supportive and didn't really press me to elaborate so it was good.

it was really nice to be social again. i think i really am finally starting to emerge from the fog of depression. i'm not bouncing off the walls with joy, but i don't wanna hang myself either.

BE has changed a lot in the past few months too. for the better. now he bikes to work so he's not in his car listening to fucked up talk radio all the time anymore. needless to say, his politics have gotten better and he's no longer spouting off rightwing bullshit. he's even advocating for more bicycle parking at the expense of car parking. i never thought i'd see that day. he finally understands what i've been talking about all these years while he's been telling me i was being ridiculous. definitely a pleasant surprise, that.

i think we've both kind of changed for the better and mellowed out a bit. also, i think we were really happy to be together again and we really wanted to get along. we were a lot more amiable and accepting of one another than we used to be.

absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.

he finally left around 10:30 (way past my bedtime!) and i was kind of amped from all the external stimulation so i checked email and watched a little tv and finally fell asleep around 11:30. that's later than i've even been staying up on weekends lately!

BO sent me an email and wants to get together on friday. i haven't seen her since my birthday either. she's been going through a rough patch at work and is really unhappy so i suppose i'll be comforting and advising her which will be nice. i'll be glad not to focus on all of my crap for once and to be able to make someone else feel better.

i'm going to take it slow and be very particular about who i let back in, but i think i am going to start being a bit more social again. i'm not going to go nuts or anything, but maybe once a week with BE or another of the few people i still want to stay connected to. the main thing is i can't let it interfere with my writing or my healing/self-improvement process.

i think being entirely alone and not being with anyone for the past couple of months has been really good for me though. it's given me a chance to really go inside of myself and face my problems and work on them instead of ignoring them by focusing on other things. in the past i've always been able to avoid my issues by distracting myself with relationships, work, volunteering, activism and all the rest of that. those things are all still really important to me, but in moderation. i can't use them as a crutch or an avoidance mechanism.

anyway, the point is that i think i really am making progress and becoming a better person than i was even a few short months ago and that makes me happy. i really want to be a kinder, gentler, more compassionate and patient version of myself and i think i'm finally moving in the right direction.

i guess there's hope for me after all.

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