Thursday, December 15, 2005

journal entry 104...

i just realized that tomorrow is friday and i haven't been working on my poem. now the pressure's on if i'm going to have something ready to post. i hope i can finish something that doesn't suck. or doesn't suck too much, anyway.

yesterday was kind of weird. i wasn't really sad or upset but i was still hyperconscious and fixated on what J & A may or may not be doing together.

i guess it's good that it didn't make me sad and that i can finally acknowledge it fully without wanting to cry, but i do wish i could stop thinking about it so much altogether. it's such a waste of time and no good comes from it.

i think my problem is that i want to be RIGHT and i want everyone to acknowledge that. i want people to say "wow, yeah, that is so fucked up and wrong. they are a couple of selfish bastards and you totally didn't and don't deserve to be treated that way."

it's kind of ridiculous that i need so much validation. i'm a grown woman. you'd think i'd be better than this by now. ego, ego, ego, that seems to be what i'm all about these days. not very "evolved" of me.

anyway, i spent a good part of yesterday afternoon reading through the archives at oblivio and falling a little bit in love with him with every post i read.

my next love will definitely be with a writer. i hope.

as i was walking home from work i was thinking about all of the qualities i'd like in my next lover and the list is somewhat specific: a kind, witty, clever, generous, affectionate, attractive, non-smoking, thirtysomething writer who has the same taste in music and movies as i do and who won't hesitate to tell me how lovely and amazing and loved i am and won't be frightened off by the force of passion and love i return. someone who will inspire and challenge me.

i thought to myself it's very possible that this person does not exist, or is already involved in a satisfying relationship. don't you want to be a little more vague in your desires so as not to limit your options? and part of me responded yes and another part asked why? because really, don't i deserve someone like that? haven't i settled for far less my whole life?

the answer to those questions is obviously "yes" and "yes" but then i also think that i've had good relationships with people who weren't any or all of those things and they've helped me grow into who i am today. that at least makes it worth it, right? i don't know. probably. but still, i'd really love to finally find THE ONE. the one who will change my life for the better and bring out all the best in me. someone i can really trust and love on the deepest level.

so maybe i'll change my wish to "please let me find THE ONE who will change my life for the better and bring out all the best in me. someone i can really trust and love on the deepest level. someone who will love and trust me equally in return." that seems vague enough but satisfying too. but really i guess i should be sending out the wish that i receive whatever/whomever it is that i'm meant to receive for my own highest good.

that's all very zen and evolved and mature and everything, but who am i kidding? i want what i want. and that's my problem right there. gah.


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