Saturday, December 17, 2005

journal entry 108...

i just got home after seeing J & A on my way to breakfast. this is what i wrote at the diner immediately following the experience. it isn't pretty so i apologize in advance. i'm so not evolved.

i saw J & A together this morning on my way to breakfast.

it was early so the first thing i thought was: she must've stayed the night so obviously they're sleeping together. as if i didn't know that already.

the second thing i thought was: gross.

i wanted them to see me but i don't think they did. they looked normal. not happy, not sad, but like a couple. they weren't holding hands or anything, they just looked comfortable together like couples do.

it didn't really make me sad or anything, it made me sick with anger. my whole body was shaking and my legs felt wobbly as i was walking. i wanted to catch up with them. not to talk to them, but i wanted THEM to see ME and feel bad.

i was filled with rage. hatred. i think i just devolved about thirty levels. suddenly i'm back in tenth grade hating beth story for fucking my boyfriend because i wouldn't. A is beth story version 9.0 and i hate her.

i can't help it. i know i shouldn't. i know it doesn't help anything or change anything or resolve anything but i just can't help it. she disgusts me. and J? well, he disgusts me too, but i feel less for him. almost nothing, just a numb emptiness with his name inside of it.

as they were hailing a cab together (and this i'm not proud of) i thought to myself "how ugly she is. so mousey and dull and unoriginal." i wanted J to see me. see how much prettier and bolder i am than she. i wanted a sharp pang of longing to pierce his heart and i wanted her to witness it. i wanted her to see that she will NEVER be able to replace me. she will never be able to do it better or succeed where i failed or make something work that i was unable to. she will always be second best. the one he chose because he couldn't have me.

i will always be the one he wanted first. most. she didn't exist when we were together. he was blind to EVERYONE else but me. if i hadn't left him it would still be that way. she is the consolation prize, i will always be door number one.

the thing is though, that they really are perfect for one another. and i don't mean this in a sarcastic, bitchy way, but i was out of his league. hers too. they are both followers and i was the leader. i challenged and inspired and encouraged and MOVED them. they didn't do any of those things for me. well, they flattered me and admired me, but that's not the same thing. that doesn't make a person feel full. it still leaves an emptiness behind. a longing to be understood.

they were dull. tiring.

so why then do i even care?

they really are perfect for one another and well matched: both upper middle-class backgrounds to my trailer park history. married parents to my thrice divorced mom. both flakey, unambitious dreamers to my competitive, driven "type a". both sensitive, needy, loving and affectionate to my secretive, standoffish, often cold persona.

(see i can admit they're not ENTIRELY bad and that i too have flaws.)

they have a lot in common and i'm sure they'll be very happy together for a long, long time.

and i will find my happiness elsewhere.

THIS i do mean in a bitchy way though: he was NOT a good lover and now he's all hers. good riddance.

so. there it is. that's what a vindictive little bitch i REALLY am. my true colors showing clearly. and here i was thinking i was getting better, becoming a better person. not so fast there, little lady. it had just happened though. i was in shock.

seeing them again though, together, solidified my decision not to ever try and reestablish a friendship with J. i just want to let it all go. i wish them well and send them off into the world to be happy together and out of my life forever.

the end. history. bygones.

i could really use a drink right now.


Blogger jane kay doe said...

i don't see you being a vindictive little bitch.

if you had purchased, say, an assault rifle...

...with a scope, however, that would be something to feel bad about.


December 17, 2005 5:50 PM  

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