Sunday, December 18, 2005

journal entry 110...

i had dinner with bo and xt last night which was nice.

two social events in one week. look at me go.

it was nice to see them, it had been months.

i told them about what's been going on with me and the whole thing with J & A and seeing them yesterday and how i've bailed on the old crew too. i basically gave them the condensed version of all of the crap i've been going through over the past year that i had previously been keeping to myself: J and i breaking up, my mom's life falling apart, the politics of the womens' group, the bachelorette, J & A, etc. they were relieved to hear it all because they had no idea why i had started turning away and becoming so secretive and closed off. it all made sense when i spilled my guts.

they said they were sorry for not being there for me and i said i was sorry for not letting them.

it felt good to let it all out and to trust them with my secrets and my heart and let them back in. it's been such a huge and painful burden i've been carrying around all by myself. it really has been crippling and deforming me. they were very supportive and compassionate and understanding. it was a relief to let some of it go and stop pretending.

we also talked about the old crew and it turns out that they didn't enjoy that group or feel comfortable or happy there either. we were all doing it out of some unspoken sense of duty. for the past year we'd all been thinking how much that situation sucked but none of us wanted to offend the other by saying anything. we laughed about how much time we wasted doing things we didn't want to because we felt like we had to and how from now on we're going to tell each other the truth and only do what we really want to do. obligations are for work, not friendships. friendships and personal relationships should be enjoyable and something to look forward to, not something to dread.

it feels good to be simplifying my life. i had six years of baggage piled up and weighing me down and now i've given it up and made space in my life again for the people and the things i truly love. now that i've "cleaned the slate", so to speak, i can add things back into my life but more discriminatly this time. life is short and i don't want to waste anymore time with people who don't care about me and vice versa.

i feel like i'm starting to ramble. the thunder and lightening are distracting me. i'll try again later.

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