Monday, December 19, 2005

journal entry 111...

today is my first "official" day of vacation and i woke up early anyway.

it's kind of annoying that it's raining and it's supposed to rain all week. last monday when i checked the forecast it was supposed to be clear and sunny all week. even on xmas. i checked it this morning though and it's rain, rain, rain all the way through. oh well, i guess it's a good excuse to stay in and work on my writing and not feel guilty about not getting any fresh air.

last night i dreamt about one of my stepbrothers and this guy i used to be really good friends with in college. we both lived in oliver and used to hangout all the time. i dated his roommate eric. (this is in real life, not the dream.) in the dream i was moving into this giant new house and my stepbrother lived in one of the rooms, cory (from college) lived in one of the others. i think we were dating or something because i kept wondering if you could hear through the walls. i didn't want anyone to know we were sleeping together.

in another dream i was on some sort of reality gameshow that was kind of like "survivor" except at the end you got to marry a celebrity. the celebrity in this case was tim from "the office" and i was really excited. in the dream i was actually in love with him and he with me. we couldn't wait for the whole thing to be over so we could finally be together again. i was concerned that i might not win the final challenge but somehow i snuck in and tried on the ring and it fit me perfectly so i knew how it would turn out. i just wanted to get to the end and get on with our life together.

it was a very pleasant dream. i felt all giddy and excited and happy. butterflies in my stomach and a real, deep sense of well-being. i was relieved to have finally found someone to love, someone who loved me back.

and then i woke up.

ah well. it's not that bad. i guess i didn't really realize how much i do want to be in a relationship again, to be in love with someone who's in love with me. to share and care and trust and laugh and feel that deep connection, that sense of being part of a secret club that no one else can join.

it'll happen again. the first part is acknowledging it, right? i've been in denial ever since J and i broke up. i've been telling myself that i didn't want a relationship ever again, that it's too much work. that someone always ends up brokenhearted.

mostly i think i was just afraid of getting hurt or of hurting someone. i was afraid no one else would ever fall in love with me again anyway. i didn't feel like going through the hassle, making the effort. i'm starting to think that maybe now i do though.

i want to feel that overwehlming sense of joy and desire, that feeling that tim and dawn reminded me of when they walked out of the holiday party holding hands so tightly like they were something that no one could ever break apart.

i know it's just a show, but it's true too. tim and dawn totally remind me of kirk and me back in the day. i've never felt another love like that since. i hope to though. it's a great big world full of possibility. i'm going to start believing in it again.

hey, what's with me and all this positive positivity? on saturday i was all full of hate and despair and look at me now all confident that my life won't always be a heaping pile of shit. it's so unlike me.


Blogger King Of Hearts said...


December 19, 2005 9:26 AM  

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