Friday, December 23, 2005

journal entry 121...

i haven't been remembering my dreams lately.

for the past week i've been waking a little before my alarm is set to go off and i immediately forget what i was dreaming about. later in the day i might think oh, H was in my dream last night but i won't remember any of the details or even if it was happy or sad.

i haven't been accomplishing as much on my days off as i expected. i don't know what my deal is but i've felt pretty lazy and uninspired. maybe it's all the rain. or maybe it's just because i'm lazy.

whenever i think about not having to work, like if i won the lottery or something, i think i would be happy not to work. i wouldn't be bored or anything because i'd be so busy with my writing and volunteer work i wouldn't have time to get bored. but now we can see that's all bullshit. if i didn't have to go to work i'd watch too much tv and get fat.

it's not supposed to rain today so i'm going to get out of the house. return the movies to the library, run to walgreens, work on today's poem. i do have something, but it's not very satisfying and i'd like to come up with something better if i can. i've got several hours to do some more work.

i feel bad for being so mean and freaking out about A yesterday. i'm really not a horrible person, i just play one on the internets.

i'm trying to be good, i really am. i'm trying not to let it get to me. i know i'll find love and happiness again someday and none of this will even matter. oh happy day!

p.s. that mystic song makes me cry and cry and cry. everytime i was editing it for typos i would start bawling. it's so sad. it's even sadder how many people i know who can relate to it.

would i be easier to love, not so torn inside if you had beat that man, and stood by my side?
would i write sad songs, and court pain daily? how different would i be if you had raised me?

just cutting and pasting that part brought tears to my eyes. so, so sad, and so, so true.

aww shit, here i go with the crying again.


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