Tuesday, December 27, 2005

journal entry 123...

i am definitely a creature of habit. when my routine gets thrown off i am not a happy camper.

i've been feeling out of sorts ever since my computer died and even after getting it repaired yesterday i still felt funky and weird when i got home and like i'd forgotten how to "do it". i was also really disappointed to miss an entire day of posting and end my writing streak. it was only one day though so i really don't need to continue pouting about it.

so. xmas eve and xmas was nice. spent it with CA, CL, EM and TO again. they're obviously my holiday family because i'll be back down there for NYE on saturday. at least i have people to spend the holidays with though, otherwise i might have time to fret and obsess and wallow to the point of suicide. this way i can fret and obsess over what i'm going to wear instead.

last night i had some seriously fucked up dreams. the first one i can remember involved a documentary about hunter's point and me being kidnapped by some snoop dogg like guy who was apparently my boyfriend but who didn't actually care about me at all and he sold me into sex slavery and i woke up sobbing hysterically. i was so, so relieved it was a dream because it seemed so real and i was so scared and there didn't seem to be any way to escape. when i tried to, he hooked me up to these wires and kept electrocuting me.

in another dream, my cousin, joe, was trying to molest me. we were staying in a trailer with my mom and he kept crawling into my bed and lying on top of me. i was beating the shit out of him and telling him to fuck off but it was really stressful and upsetting.

the last dream i remember was me and a few other people that i can't really identify going to some halloween costume contest in santa cruz. i was wearing something weird that i can't remember now but it was a partner type of costume and my boyfriend was wearing the other half. in that dream i was really, really happy and felt really giddy and content. i was really in love with this fellow and he was really in love with me. and i kept thinking to myself how lucky i was and how surprised i was that such a handsome, funny, loving guy as he was would be in love with me. i was snuggling up wih him and thanking my lucky stars when i woke up.

obviously, i woke up feeling a little disappointed but then i thought, i'll find him one day, one way or another. i won't be loveless and lovelorn forever. (i hope.)

i'm supposed to meet MA for a drink tonight. we haven't seen each other in months and our communication has been really infrequent and strained. our falling out was a bit weird and awkward and neither of us has been in a very good or stable place to even try and bring about a healthy reconciliation. i'm hoping tonight goes well and that we can put the past behind us and move forward. i still feel kind of weird about her though, and unsure of how much i trust her. i guess we'll find out tonight.


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