Tuesday, December 27, 2005

journal entry 125...

oh who am i kidding? i'm totally depressed again. i know that part of it's hormones but i think the larger part is that i'm still really sad and confused and disappointed over the J & A situation and how badly a major portion of my "friends" suck ass. not that they're friends anymore, but the fact that they were my friends, or at least i thought they were my friends, for so long and now they're gone and it's as if i never even existed in the first place. and they probably sucked all along and i never even noticed.

and with the end of the year within eyesight i guess i'm just remembering how much of my life i've wasted and how i still have no fucking clue what i want to do or where i'm going or what the fucking fuck.

and i think i'm going to do this and that and the other thing, but will i really? because i fuck so much stuff up and i procrastinate so much and i'm so lazy and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH!

i hate feeling bummed and tired and disappointed and having that lump in the back of my throat right before i'm going to cry that makes it hurt when i swallow.

i'm tired of being sad. it's been such a long, long time and i wonder if it's ever going to go away. will i always be this way? am i doomed to a life of melancholy?

oh, woe is me. i'm such a boring whinebag.


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