Thursday, December 29, 2005

journal entry 127...

i feel a little better today although i have a feeling it's temporary and that the littlest thing is going to set me off on another crying jag if i'm not careful. so i'm going to be careful.

last night i had a lot of unpleasant dreams again but this time J & A kept their sorry asses out of them. the one i just woke up from was of me going in for a haircut and being very specific about what i wanted and her doing exactly the opposite and then trying to tell me it looked better anyway and besides, i shouldn't get so upset over something as silly as hair. i was fuming! she gave me bangs after i specifically told her i wanted to keep it all one length.

i have to admit that it didn't look that bad when she finished but the point is that i don't want bangs and it takes fucking years to grow them out and she gave them to me against my will. and then i woke up and was relieved and happy that i still have the same do i've had since forever. pathetic.

i have fucked up hair dreams A LOT. the dream book says it's a symbol of vanity and power. having it cut indicates a sense of powerlessness. no shit, sherlock.

i also dream of having it dyed back to its natural color which also upsets me. and i always wake up from those quite relieved as well.

the funny thing is though, in real life they're always fucking up my haircut or not doing it exactly the way i like it and i'm always like "eh, whatever. it'll grow." of course, they never try to cut bangs into it though. i would definitely freak the fuck out and start throwing shit. no i wouldn't. i'd freak the fuck out internally, pay and probably even tip the lady, and go home and cry. because i'm all talk and no action and i'm a total fucking baby. with a potty mouth.

today i'm going to try and write. i've been halfassing it all week but today i intend to accomplish something. i've got a few things started so i have no excuse for not doing it. the ideas are out there, they just need to be put into a readable format. i must find a new and improved way to say my life sucks and poor, poor me without it sounding like the same pedestrian crap i've been writing about how my life sucks and poor, poor me.

the way i used to write, back in the day, was to open a bottle of wine and smoke half a pack of cigarettes and just crank that shit out. now that i don't smoke or drink as much it feels kind of weird getting started. i guess i just need to start some new rituals and routines to get going.

the end of the year is almost here. in a way i'm really looking forward to it, but i'm kind of scared of it too. it's a whole new beginning and a chance for me to put all of the heartache and shit from the last year behind me but i'm afraid that next year has the potential to suck too and i don't think i can handle it. i need a little happy, a little love, a little laughter. make that A LOT of all of those things. i just hope 2006 is fantastic because i really could use some lasting joy. all of this crying is giving me wrinkles, and one more thing to worry about.

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