Thursday, December 29, 2005

journal entry 128...

i'm having trouble getting started.

everytime i start thinking about how to say what i want to say i start thinking about lots of things that make me start crying and i can't seem to stop and it's hard to see to write through the tears.

i'm just so, so sad. so disappointed. hopeless.

i've always been one to think everything is a learning experience. life is a learning experience. everything that happens, happens for a reason and makes you a better person for it.

but really, what the fuck does that even mean? what is the reason? when i think off all the "learning" that i've done in my life it's mostly learning how to accept loss and disappointment. how to live through sorrow and heartache. how to keep going even when you don't want to keep going, when you just want to sleep forever.

and really, what's the point in all of that? how is that a good, worthwhile thing? so you learn to accept disappointment without killing yourself. so you manage to live through pain after pain after pain and each time you handle it better, you accept it easier. you go on living.

it just doesn't make any sense to me. the joys seem so short lived or mundane and the disappointments never seem to end and they seem to top themselves with unbearability each time. you're tested and tested and tested until you finally break. and then what? what's the point? you've finally reached the enlightened stage that you know when you've finally hit your limit? and then you die.

a series or unfortunate events that you manage to survive one after another until at last you are dead. that's what it's all about. and somehow you're supposed to take comfort in it.

1 Comments:

Blogger jane kay doe said...

this whole post is something i could have written on any number of days.


i don't suppose that's helpful.


blech.

December 29, 2005 1:49 PM  

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