Thursday, December 29, 2005

journal entry 130...

i couldn't write anything today. actually, i did write some stuff, but it was all a bunch of pathetic, self-indulgent crap. then i wrote random words and phrases to use at some future point when i'm not feeling as wishing i was deadish.

(see??? OPTIMIST!!!! thinking there might actually BE a day when i'm not feeling as wishing i was deadish!!!)

i don't know what i'm going to do about tomorrow and "friday poetry blogging whatever edition". i guess we'll just be lucky if i even live through the night. har har. maybe "lucky" isn't the right word.

that line from the murmurs: "oh i wish that i was dead...temporarily."

except i don't know what the purpose of the "temporarily" is all about unless you get to come back to life as someone somewhere else. someone and somewhere BETTER obviously, not one of those fucked up twilight zone things where you're taught a lesson and learn to appreciate all the good things that you actually DO have in your life. that's all such a bullshit ripoff and only proves exactly what i've been saying all along (well, since this morning anyway): it's all pointless and meaningless and our purpose is just to suffer and suffer and show how long we can survive it until we finally die. fools.

i've been wishing and wishing and wishing i was dead, but not in that fucked up way where all of my negativity turns into a big cancerous ball and i finally die after thousands of dollars and operations and years and years of pain and suffering. i mean that i'd just go to sleep tonight and never ever wake up. but also not that i'd live in a permanent dream world where people are fucking up my hair and J & A are flaunting their fucking love in my fucking face for all of fucking eternity.

i'd just like a little peace and quiet without all of this misery and self-loathing weighing me down and down and down and down forever and ever and ever world without end.


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