Tuesday, December 06, 2005

journal entry eighty-eight...

my blog kind of disappeared for awhile there which really scared me because i haven't been as diligent about writing in my paper journal since i started this online one. i was thinking what if i lost all those weeks of angst and anger and tears? all my melancholy bullshit down the drain? it would've been a real bummer but i guess i would've just chalked it up to "figures".

it would've sucked though.

i do believe that i am finally starting to heal. not as many heart sinking, belly flopping moments when i am faced with something or someone from the time before.

with the holidays approaching though, there are more emails going out and commenting on blogs and things like that to remind me that i'm no longer a part of that circle. and that J and A have replaced J and me. it makes me kind of sad but whatever, you know? when it comes down to it, i don't want to be a part of that anymore anyway. they are who they are and i am who i am and we're no longer complimentary or compatible. it's just a matter of starting new traditions without them and getting on with my life.

and it's not like i miss any of them except maybe J and H. the rest i was over long before the "break up" but J and H were my best friends and now they are nothing. it sucks that they let me down in such monumental ways but i guess in the long run it's for the best. they were the catalyst that rocketed me out of that stagnant and disappointing circle into this...whatever it is. hope, i guess. promise. potentially fabulous new life.

now that i have put them all behind me the whole world is wide open again. there are limitless possibilities if only i will start tapping into them.

i'm working on it.

i'm going to start working on it a lot harder though because i don't want to be sitting here this time next year feeling the same way. one wasted year is all i can take. next year i better have something to show for all of this.

and i intend to.


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