Tuesday, December 06, 2005

journal entry eighty-nine...

i'm feeling all dramatic and fatalistic again. like something needs to be done right now to bring finality and closure to this whole chapter in my life.

as i was walking to work this morning i was thinking about H and that her birthday is coming up and how i haven't spoken to her in months. i was thinking that maybe i could use her birthday as an opportunity to put some closure on this situation and move on with my life. and then i thought how i want to do the same thing with J.

thinking about all that i've lost or given up over the past few months made me feel a little weepy and sad but kind of hopeful too. if i can say what i need to say, forgive and let go and move on, then the world really is open to possibility and i really can start fresh and begin again.

i want to tell H that i'm sorry but i suffered a "series of unfortunate events" that made me re-evaluate my life and my relationships and i realized that i didn't like where i was or who i was with or where i was going or who i was becoming and the only way to save myself was to let them all go. that i had to free myself from all of them if i was going to survive it. and that i really wanted to survive it.

i also want to tell her that i will always treasure the memories of the good times we've had together and that i'll always be wishing only the best things for her. i'll always be hoping that she gets everything she wants in life and more.

with J it's a bit different because there's a part of me that wants to let go completely and a part of me that struggles against that part. i guess i want to tell him that i don't think it's possible for us to ever be friends again because what he and A did to me was too hurtful, too unkind, and above all too disrespectful. especially after the kind of friend i had always been to both of them. i loved them and cared about them too much to ever do anything like that to them and they didn't love or care about me the same way. that is something i will always know and always carry with me: that neither of them cares about, loves, or respects me as much as i did them. and how could i ever be friends with them again knowing that?

i don't know what i'm going to do. i guess just think about it some more and try to be reflective and tender and make a decision that speaks my truth, and not a decision just to dole out punishment. i don't want to be bitter or hateful or vindictive anymore. i want to be free from all of these unhealthy emotions that keep me tethered here to this unpleasant, unhappy situation. i want to do what is truly best for my spirit and for growth to enable me to become the person i want to be.

i really am trying to be a better person no matter how it seems.


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