Thursday, December 01, 2005

journal entry eighty-one...

i think it's finally starting to dawn on me what i need to do.

i just read my daily affirmation: "i am in charge of my own journey", and it kind of gave me a little push in the right direction, as did my horoscope: "an entire cosmos of possibilities is opening up, and the only risk you face is dreaming up limits that don't exist."

it's not that i actually believe in horoscopes or runes or any of that new agey/religious stuff, it's more that i see them kind of as a suggestion of what one needs to focus on at that moment. there are many ways to interpret them and every indivdual interprets them in a way that is most beneficial to them at the time. they are able to narrow in on what needs to change or what might be hindering their progress. in my case i keep getting the message that i am creating my own obstacles and difficulties because i am not seeing the vast opportunities that are only disguised as losses. i am seeing loss as loss and not opening myself up to the potential good that could arise from the situtaion.

i've been going about my grieving process in a very clumsy, pedestrian manner.

when it comes right down to it though, this is really a great opportunity for me. although i am at this point due to difficult and painful circumstances, it is a still point for me to jump from. i've longed for something new and better in my life for a long time; for a change or a sign that would get me going down a more fruitful and fulfilling path. perhaps these have all been signs and stones along the path leading me in a certain direction and it's taken me so long to realize it because i keep stopping to rest on the stones and weep that the path isn't paved and clearly marked for me instead.

the past year has seen a lot of loss and disappointment for me, but maybe i've been hurt and offended by the natural process of life. just like the leaves fall from the trees and the singing birds become silent in winter, so too does life. cups must be emptied in order to be refilled and all that.

so from this point on i'm going to try and take rilke's advice to kappus and "live the answers" instead of struggling to know how it will all turn out before i even begin. my lesson in this life is clearly patience. and acceptance. i've spent too many years rushing through everything and denying the things i don't like rather than taking it slowly and learning as i go along. usually i just rush right through to try and get to the end of whatever it is so i can start something new and i totally miss all the lessons along the way. from now on i'm going to try to pay more attention and understand what's going on in my life and why.

yes, this has been a very difficult period for me, but the hardest part is behind me and now i can start with the fun stuff. now i can decide where i want to go from here and how i want this to change me. this whole experience has given me a chance to call do-overs. and this time i intend to do it all better.


Blogger Maxwell Steer said...

Hi, when Ive uploaded my blog I always hit the random button. Today it brought me to your page. We have many common points of interest. You might care to visit my site, where there's q a bit of Rilke, or my blog, where there is a distillation of meanings I've discovered in the course of my searchings.
Best wishes

December 01, 2005 9:42 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home