Friday, December 02, 2005

journal entry eighty-three...

pms/cms (current menstrual syndrome) is so unfair.

i try to be a good person. i make an effort to cultivate this spirit of zen which is difficult enough as it is, but then you add a double dose of hormonal ridiculosity and i almost can't take it.

i felt okay this morning but then as i was walking to work and thinking i started raging up and hating on many people, places and things. and then i got all weepy because i was frustrated that i'm so low tech i can't even manage to not be a bitch for five stinking minutes.

and then i wondered if the way out of suffering is "nirodha", or not having attachments or desires, how is that even possible? i mean, don't we all desire a better planet and a better world for everyone? if we didn't have a desire for a positive outcome for things then what would get us to even do anything? how would we not die of apathy?

that's what i was wondering and it made me crabby because i know i should be able to figure all of this stuff out, but instead i'm feeling all pouty and immature.



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