Friday, December 09, 2005

journal entry ninety-three...

i started listening to a different playlist, one that reminds me of the old days with KI instead of the ones i've been dealing with of late. it makes me happy and sad at the same time.

when it comes right down to it, i think he was the love of my life.

katy song. that was ours.

i know that i'm remembering things rosier than they often were and that i probably wouldn't be where or who i am now if we'd stayed together, but i also know that i've never felt the way i felt with or about him since. he wasn't my first love, or my last, but he was certainly the biggest. i've never felt as loved and admired as i did then, at twenty-three.

how grown up i thought i was.

all of this angst and heartache over J and i never even felt about him the way i felt about KI. i've obviously gotten stubborn in my old age. always expecting everything to be just the way i want it no matter how i actually feel about it.

last night i fell asleep thinking how surprising it was that i felt kind of happy, hopeful. i went to bed with a real sense of calm and well-being for no apparent reason.

i woke up feeling the way i usually do: disappointed. i think it's because i didn't get enough sleep though. i stayed up to watch "everwood" and part of "without a trace" which is past my bedtime on a school night. i'm meant to be sound asleep by ten or i wake up feeling like this: tired and blue.

i wonder if i'll ever fall in love again. if i'll ever find someone i really connect with and trust. it seems to get more and more difficult with every passing year. but i don't want to give up. i want to believe it's possible to love again. for someone to love me.

ah, but there are bigger fish to fry, as my mother would say. poems to be written, songs to be sung, tears to be cried. can't go around moping or wasting my time worrying about the future. what will come, will come, and then i'll know.

i don't know what my deal is or why i'm being so melodramatic this morning, but i am. maybe i'll grow up and get back to normal after a hot shower.

one can hope.

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