Thursday, December 08, 2005

journal entry ninety-two...

last night i was thinking that i haven't done any socializing since that lunch on october 20th. i haven't seen or hungout with anyone since then except thanksgiving with CA and CL. it seems like ages but it seems like yesterday too.

i think it's been good for me though. i do feel stonger and more grounded than i was before. when all of this started i just collapsed into my grief and didn't think i'd ever be able to do anything again. i was on the verge of tears 24 hours a day for the first two weeks. it's good that i kept to myself.

BE and i have been emailing back and forth and we made plans to get together for a drink after work next week. he will be the first person i've seen besides work people and grocery store people in a very long time. hopefully everything will go well and we'll enjoy seeing one another and not get into a fight. i'm really going to go into it with my heart and mind open.

it's been nine months since the last time we saw each other which sucked but is behind us now. bygones.

i've been reading my horoscope lately and my runes and tarot cards and every other thing i don't really believe in but that i want to give me some easy answers and tell me what i'm supposed to do with my life and when things are going to get better. they all basically say the same thing: i need to change my attitude about what's going on now. simple enough on the surface, but not really the easy answer i was hoping for.

all signs are basically telling me that things are going to be difficult and tumultuous for awhile but that if i change my perspective and see these as opportunities for growth and deeper understanding i will be overwhelmingly happy and content at the end of it. they're telling me to accept the fact that it's going to suck for awhile and really make the best of it and try to learn and experience everything i can to become a better person.

"your mission, if you choose to accept it..."

so i guess that's what i'm going to do. just take a deep breath and get in there. no more wading in shallow water waiting for the storm to pass, i've got to set sail in spite of it all and just know that at the end of it i'll be docking on much more fair, albeit distant, shores. that's my lot and there will be many beneficial lessons learned through the process so all's well that ends well, i suppose.

suck it up, broken ladder, because the longer you sit on the shore the longer you're postponing your destiny and as they say, the future is now.


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