Tuesday, January 31, 2006

journal entry 193...

i've had a lot on my mind lately, but none of it has really been worth documenting. mostly it's just more of the same.

A's birthday is on sunday so i've been feeling particularly angry and hateful. i feel like i didn't really tell her everything i wanted to. or maybe i did, but i don't feel like she understood it or felt remorseful enough. i think that's the part that bothers me the most, that she has never said she was sorry. as i get past the heartache and shock, i can't seem to get past the anger i feel for her not accepting that she did something totally wrong and hurtful and selfish. i feel like she thinks she's above it all and has nothing for which to apologize. and obviously, i disagree.

she hadn't even been broken up with her last boyfriend for a month before she got together with J. and he hadn't been with anyone since me. and i haven't been with anyone since him. it just seems so gross and cruel and foul that she would have no qualms with trying to replace me. i think the part that offends me the most is that she even thinks she ever could. she isn't one tenth the person i am. and she's a fucking flaky, moronic dipshit. why i was ever friends with her in the first place i don't know. actually, that's not entirely true. i think part of the reason i was friends with her was because she looked up to me so much. she idolized me and sought out my advice and it fed my ego. that's my own fault.

i absolutely hate her and wish i'd never met her.

but you know, i can write that now without crying over it. i haven't cried in a couple of weeks now. i think the last time was a month? ago? i was on the rag and feeling suicidal and miserable and i thought it would never pass, and here it is only a few weeks later and i feel ten times better, fifty times stronger.

i absolutely hate her and i wish i could stop thinking about her. about both of them. i no longer want thoughts of them to plague me.

it has been getting better. i don't think of them nearly as much and i haven't seen them together in awhile which has been a relief. i've also had other things to occupy my time and energy and i feel like i need to get over it and get my shit together completely if i intend to be a good mentor. i mean, what kind of influence am i going to be if i myself have all these awful, unstable, petty tendencies? WHO WILL THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!?!

so yeah, part of me is pulling it together for the kid, but also for myself. i deserve peace and happiness. i am a good, caring, generous, loving person. with flaws. i am a kind and decent human being with flaws, and that is enough for now. i'm doing my best. i'm trying to evolve and grow and expand my capacity for love and forgiveness.

if only that bitch would just fucking say she was sorry.

ha.

daily affirmation - jan 31st

Enlightenment

When we begin to open up to a spiritual path, we may go through many different experiences and processes in our search, but eventually we come back to an experience of our true selves, the godlike nature or universal mind that is within us all. Through this experience we are eventually restored to our full spiritual power. The emptiness inside us is filled up from within. This is the process known as enlightenment.

"I am being filled with my full spiritual power."

today's horoscope...

JANUARY 31st

"Mr Moon, Mr Moon, You're out too soon, the Sun is in the sky. Cover up your head, go back to bed, let the rest of the day go by." My four-year-old daughter loves this song. She thinks the Moon is funny because it keeps changing shape and playing hide and seek. Today, a tiny "banana moon" will rise at breakfast and set at suppertime. You'll see it most easily just after dark. New Moons like this herald "new beginnings". If you want to start doing things differently from now on, today's an auspicious time to start.
*****
What is going to happen next? You may well ask. Now, I know what you are thinking: it's my job to tell you. It is, but it is also my duty to remind you of an adage so old that it was originally written in Latin. 'Astra inclinant, non necessitant' - is what people used to say. Roughly translated, it means the heavens may cause your life to lean in a particular direction but they don't actually lean on you and force you to go all the way. Next will come whatever is most obvious, unless you act to change matters.

Monday, January 30, 2006

journal entry 192...

babycat is about as soft as a bunny. so cuddly and cute. i just love her to bits.

last night i had some bizarre dreams, none that i can really remember except that they were quite hectic and stressful and i was happy to wake up from them. i'm still kind of sleepy though.

i've taken about 95 advil and i've still got cramps. i'm not doubled over, but it's still this dull ache that is annoying. it makes me lazy too. it's like i'm my own gym teacher and i can use cramps as an excuse to sit out. i do it every time even though i promise myself everytime that i won't.

yes, i am feeling incredibly lazy today. i don't even feel like writing this post. and since i'm the boss of me i'm not going to.

today's horoscope...

JANUARY 30th

Leave too much to luck or chance and you'll make very little progress. If, however, you make no allowance in your plans for the arrival of good fortune, you may fail to recognise it when it turns up to volunteer its services. There's a strong likelihood that you WILL be helped, in some unexpected way, soon. You'd be silly to rely on this entirely - but equally silly to rule out the possibility completely. Be careful, therefore, about how tightly you try to control your situation. A little chaos could work in your favour. Have I got news for you? Yes, and it's great news too!

Sunday, January 29, 2006

journal entry 191...

it been a nice, relaxing weekend. i accomplished everything i meant to, except the eyebrow wax because i totally forgot about it yesterday. i guess i'll do it on my way home from work next week instead.

the cramps arrived this morning and the blood is finally flowing so we know the hormones are raging. and what a relief that i'm not pregnant! har har. it's kind of depressing when i think of how long it's been since i was sexually intimate with anyone so i'm just going to forget i brought it up and move on to another subject.

i'm actually feeling pretty mellow today and not too high or low either way. just a regular run of the mill sunday without the requisite tears and gnashing of teeth that have been plaguing me for so long. a welcome relief for once. i guess i really am getting better and my heartache is starting to heal itself. i never thought i'd make it to this place but deep breath after deep breath and i'm starting to surface again.

i've got a lot on my plate these days. i'm writing more and i've got the mentor thing and i really want to take a spanish class. i need to find time in my schedule because i feel like being able to communicate properly with more of my community is critical. also, i love all of the spanish language films i've watched lately and i wish i understood them without the subtitles. that's my goal. i've got a buttload of work ahead of me.

at the moment however, it's the laundry that plagues me.

today's horoscope...

JANUARY 29th

Your week ahead: A sprinkling of chilli powder can turn a bland dish into an exotic preparation. If you have too much, though, you may end up with something inedible. Much the same can be said about tension in life's recipe for happiness. A little adds spice, a lot is too much. Now, why do you think I might be saying all this to you? In essence, there is nothing wrong with the situation you currently face. You need a challenge and you are certainly getting one of those right now. Change, though, is threatening to start rolling through your world too quickly for comfort. You can't keep it all away but you can hold some of it back for a while, and you should.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

randomness ninety-six...

there's a crazy man outside, yelling. i'd guess he smells like beer but i can't be sure from here. he's screaming: "fucking asshole! fuck you! fuck you! ignorance! i know it! fuck you! fuck! fuck! go to your room!" and i can hear what sounds like a drunk frat guy egging him on and the crazy man's friend? cohort? companion? saying "take it easy, man. right? fuck it. lets go, right? come on."

fucking frat guys. i hate when they come to my neighborhood. they think it's glamorous and brave to venture down here. but they just antagonize the people who actually live here. even if that only means the ones smoking crack in doorways and drinking vodka from plastic 2 litres. we belong here, the frat guy and his brothers don't.

fucking frat guys. ignorance is right. amen, brother.

it's quiet again. the crazy man and his friend/cohort/companion must have gone. and the frat guy must have finished his smoke and gone back inside to order another drink.

now it's quiet, except for car tires on rain soaked streets. just like any other neighborhood.

journal entry 190...

as i was walking home from lunch it occured to me that i really felt like myself. i felt strong and capable and like everything might not be exactly the way i want it right now, but that it wasn't all lost either. i think i'm going to start playing the lottery because i'm feeling lucky.

but seriously, i haven't felt like myself in SO LONG. i mean really long. like since BE and i moved apart. and this morning as i was walking along i was just filled with this sense of well-being that i hadn't recognized in myself for so long. but i felt it this morning and it gave me a sense of hope that i'm going to be okay.

ironically, i notice that i'm not thinking about J&A as much. i think "wow, i haven't thought of J or A in awhile." (does that count as not thinking about them if i think of who i'm not thinking of?) anyway, i may dream about them, but that's beyond my control. in my real life i am moving on and not obsessing over it anymore. although when i DO think about them, it's usually just to think about how much i hate A and what a backstabbing fuckhead she is. last night when i was looking for mom's letter, i found all of these cards and letters from A and it totally annoyed me. i'm trying to decide if i should throw them away or save them as proof that she's a backstabbing skank.

(i have a difficult time coming up with words to describe my feelings about her that aren't anti-feminist. i hate her but i wish all the words to describe people who suck weren't related to the female anatomy or some other word that applies only to women. i'm going to create a new, gender non-specific word that means "totally pathetic, untrustworthy, disrespectful, cruel, dishonest, abusive, backstabbing, horrible jerk.")

good lord. when i think about not thinking about it i fall right back into my old patterns. so enough of that.

i'm halfway through a bottle of sangiovese so i'm starting to ramble. i took a risk with "sangiovese" because i've never had it before and i wasn't sure i'd like it. i like it though. it reminds me of a syrah so i'm good. and i'm rambling again so blah.

you learn something new everyday.

also, it smells like tamales outside my window. someone in the neighborhood is cooking and i really appreciate it. what's the cornmeal stuff called? my friend lorraine taught a bunch of us how to make tamales from scratch one time. it was so much fun and the smell outside my window is bringing it all back. we drank margaritas and modelos and we all laughed really loud and had such a great time. i was fat and bloated as a tick when we left, but so, so happy.

thank you, whoever's making tamales tonight. i'm getting a contact bliss.

journal entry 189...

last night i had several dreams with J & A in them. it's getting really annoying.

in one dream A was a smug little bitch but i kept thinking to myself how pretty she was. (in the dream she looked different than in real life.) in another one, i was at J's apartment which was much, much nicer than in real life and it was really tidy and well decorated. i was annoyed because i felt like he had cleaned up his act and gotten his shit together for her when he never would for me. i snooped around and never saw any pictures of her or of them together, but her makeup bag was on the table next to the bed.

mostly i was just jealous. i didn't want him back, but i wanted him to want me back. i flirted with him and we had our arms around one another and were nearly kissing. i wasn't attracted to him, i was just being cruel and wanted him to want me again. i asked him if he'd leave her for me, if he wanted to get back together and try it again. he said no and i was shocked. he said it was too painful and he couldn't risk getting his heart broken again. i was annoyed and disappointed and then i woke up.

so i have to ask myself, who is really the bitch here? it seems like i've got vindictive bones running all through my body. something i need to work on. that, and forgiveness. i'm still having some trouble with that. i'm miles and miles from perfect.

it looks like it's going to rain today so i'll likely get soaked when i go run errands. i haven't had my eyebrows waxed sine i don't know when though, so it's way past due.

i also busted out the crock pot and i'm making beef stew for dinner. not from scratch, mind you, because i'm really lazy, but the betty crocker out of the bag kind. i hope it's as good as it looks because that's what i'll be eating all weekend.

today's horoscope...

JANUARY 28th

Your Weekend: Sometimes, it's possible to get away with a fudge, a compromise or a casual attempt to smooth things over. And sometimes, it simply isn't. If you're not sure what's for the best this weekend, do nothing at all or, at least, as little as possible. At some point soon, the harmonious alignment from Mars to Uranus will cause a wave of clarity to wash over you. Once it does, you'll have certainty. Till then, take care. It may be better to leave things in an unsatisfactory state than to make them worse by trying too hard to make them better!

Friday, January 27, 2006

friday poetry blogging - eleventh edition...

for my mother - by me (broken ladder)

i am the daughter
of a daughter, we flounder
and gasp for breath

we struggle
and hold it against one another
when what is reckoned
outweighs the intent

but this is
mother and daughter
another kind
of sisterhood

expectations
no one
could live up to

no one would

we are
mother and daughter
women
sisters in spirit and longing

we flounder
we struggle and gasp
for breath

and we hurry
to grab hold
of the other's wings

before she flies off
on her own

journal entry 188...

sometimes i remember when i was a liitle girl i really felt loved by my mother. i wonder when that changed, and was it my fault? maybe my mother has always loved me the same amount, but my understanding of that amount, or its relevance changed the older i got.

maybe we both became more cynical with age and it changed with us.

i remember in the letter my mom sent me last spring, how she alluded to that line from my favorite short story:

"i just want you to know, baby, that you aren't that blue dress on the ironing board. you never were. i'm so sorry it took me so long to tell you, but i never knew you felt that way. i do love you, baby, and i'm sorry for the times you ever, ever doubted it. i'm ashamed for ever giving you a reason to doubt yourself - to doubt me."

i cried my fucking heart out for weeks after that. i read it over and over to myself and shared that part with a few close friends and cried some more.

my mom is just one person. she's had so many of her own struggles to deal with and i can be so judgemental and withholding. mothers are expected to do and know so much just by virtue of title. the fact that she's a real, fully realized human being with joys and sorrows, accomplishments and losses of her own never come into play. once she is a mother she belongs to the world and we are all free to judge accordingly.

i do love her though, and i'm sorry it's taken me so long to take her wins and losses seriously. her WHOLE life - as seriously as i take whatever its outcome on me.

and it's no fucking wonder i never want kids.

journal entry 187...

it turned out to be my lucky day.

the rain stopped right as i was leaving for work and waited until i was safely in the office before it started torrential downpouring. then it stopped right when i went out for lunch and it was entirely clear and beautiful on my walk home like the rain never happened.

sometimes i feel fortunate and happy and this is one of those times.

journal entry 186...

this week went by really fast. i'm glad it's friday and i can sleep in tomorrow. i didn't want to get out of bed today.

last night i had a ton of bizarre little dreams. it's weird how they can be so totally different from each other, but blend together seemlessly. when you're asleep it just seems to make sense.

unfortunately, i can't really remember any of them except a snippet of being on a dance floor with some coworkers where we were all dancing with our headphones on so no one was dancing to the same beat, and another one where a friend of my old boyfriend, WE, was working in some office and instead of being a conservative prep like he was when i knew him, he was some hipster guy with huge grey sunglasses and a wallet so bulky that it made him look like he had a bubble butt. he was also of ambiguous sexuality, but i knew it was him anyway.

six and a half hours of sleep and that's all i got out of it.

i filed my tax return yesterday so hopefully i'll get my refund soon. when i did the first draft of the state forms, i was looking in the federal booklet to see how much i owed and about pissed myself. the rate is much higher for the feds so i thought i somehow owed almost five grand. after a few seconds of "oh my god, oh my god!", i figured out that i was looking in the wrong booklet and started over with the right booklet and it all worked out in the end. i'll be getting a sweet little refund that i intend to use to pay off the rest of my credit card debt so i can be free and clear by spring.

speaking of spring, i think it's sprunging around here. little cherry blossoms are starting to sprout on lots of the trees and i see little green buds starting to peek out of every tree i pass. thank you, jesus! i'm really looking forward to the longer days although when i'm playing the old spinster, it will be somewhat embarassing when i fall asleep while it's still daylight out.

i haven't even started this week's poem so i don't know that i'm going to make the deadline. last week i came in at the last minute when i really thought i wouldn't though, so who knows. i'll try to come up with something. hopefully it won't suck.

emotionally i'm still feeling pretty good. i haven't started my period yet, which is due any minute, but i'm still feeling relatively calm and peaceful. probably because i've been able to walk to and from work every day this week, which has been quite soothing. it just started raining though, so today might be a little more whack. lets hope not.

poetry friday. ack! the pressure to not suck! can she do it?!?! only time will tell...

today's horoscope...

JANUARY 27th

Yesterday, I promised that by today, you would be feeling a lot better about a daunting matter. Was I right? Has there been an improvement? If so, you can expect a weekend that brings more encouragement and satisfaction. If not, it's time you and I had a little chat. Something is clearly getting in the way of progress. Yet, really, this ought not to be happening. You have a hopeful outlook. A change in your situation is about to take the pressure off you. Trust this, please and relax. Ignore your fear.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

journal entry 185...

sometimes the daily affirmations are just too new agey and preachy for me. so i skip them.

last night's mentor training went really well. i think i'm the youngest one there, which kind of surprised me. there are two women who appear to be in their fifities or so, and several men who look at least my age or older. EVERYONE seems a lot more conservative (in appearance anyway) than i am. they weren't anything like i was expecting but they all seem nice enough.

i was happy because the program director saw me before the training started and told me that he thinks he might have a match for me already! sometimes it takes weeks or months for them to find a good pairing, but he thinks he's got one for me. she's seventeen and currently a high school dropout, but she's got relatively stable housing and is into art and photography and that kind of stuff so he's going to work with her some more and see what she thinks. he said she's "pissed off at the world" but once you start talking to her she really opens up and seems like she wants to make progress.

i've never known a high school dropout, besides my dad, so i hope i don't say anything weird or insensitive or offensive. i really want her to get back in school though. i just can't imagine the world holds a lot of possibilities for a high school dropout. it certainly didn't for my dad who ended up in jail for dealing when i was seven.

we also discussed how many of the kids on the street aren't safe about sex and the potential that they might catch a disease or get pregnant and how we need to be approachable and non-judgemental and how we can't give up on them just because we might think they've ruined their lives.

i really, really hope my kid doesn't get pregnant or an STI or anything. not that i'd be judgemental or mad, but just that i want her to have a good life and it will make me sad if she gets into a situation that makes her future seem even more bleak.

i want to be all positive and happy but the training is supposed to be an eye opener, i guess. these aren't your typical teens looking for an after school program, these are kids with a lot of pain and loss and abuse in their backgrounds who are struggling just to find a safe place to live and be. the potential for this to be absolutely heartbreaking is at least 70%. i have to look at the positive side though, and even if i'm only able to make a tiny bit of difference, but enough to show the kid that she's valuable and capable and worthy of love and respect and that she deserves peace and happiness in her life - well, that's all i can really hope to do. i just want to give her a sense of self-respect and self-worth that she may be lacking. and some joy, obviously.

but anyway, i've got another training next week and then he thinks i'll be matched with my kid the week after that so i should be hooked up and good to go by valentine's day. i really am looking forward to it even though i know it will be challenging. i just have to remember it's about the kid, not about me. i want to be someone elses JO. i want to be someone elses cheerleader. i'm going to do the very best job i can do to make a positive impact in her life.

all of this positivity and excitement didn't keep me from having hateful dreams about A again though. i think it was only because i saw J walking from the bus stop as i was closing the blinds when i got home from training last night. i'm going to let it go though, because i don't want to be burdened with that shit today. fuck 'em both, i'm on to bigger and better things now.

today's horoscope...

JANUARY 26th

What's wrong? Less than you think. What's right? More than you realise. What's going on in the sky right now? Something helpful. Mars and Pluto are forming a harmonious alignment. They are about to bless you with clarity and determination. Ignore all that seems messy, confused or hopeless. Focus only on the one constructive step that you can surely take. Give it your full concentration and, by this time tomorrow, you will be feeling a lot better about all the issues that now seem so daunting or difficult. The further into your future I gaze, the more good news I can see.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

randomness ninety-five...

i swear i can smell the ocean from half a mile away. it was supposed to smell like cut grass out there but it smells like the wharf instead. i wonder if they're watering the lawn with ocean water. or fertilizing it with fish scales.

either way i feel silly and giddy and fortunate to live in such a glamorous place.

with my own two hands - lyrics by ben harper

oh i can change the world, with my own two hands
and make it a better place, oh with my own two hands
and make it a kinder place, with my own two hands
oh with my own, with my own two hands

oh i can make peace on earth, oh with my own two hands
and i can clean up the earth, with my own two hands
and i can reach out to you, with my own two hands
oh with my own
with my own two hands
oh with my own
with my own two hands

i'm gonna make it a brighter place, oh with my own two hands
i'm gonna make it a safer place, oh with my own two hands
i'm gonna help jah human race, yes, oh with my own two hands
oh with my own
with my own two hands
oh with my own
with my own two hands

now i can, i can hold you, oh with my own two hands
and i, and i can comfort you, with my own two hands
but you got, got to use, oh use your own two hands
use your own, use your own two hands
you got to use your own, oh use your own two hands
oh with our own, with our own two hands
oh now, now, with our own
oh with our own
with our own two hands
oh with our own
oh with our own
with our own two hands
come on
oh with our own, with our own two hands

with my own, with my own two hands

journal entry 184...

i listened to ben harper on my walk to work this morning and it made me happy. i'm afraid to keep acknowledging that i'm feeling better for fear that i'll jinx it, but maybe i should make note just so i remember it in case it passes.

today i feel happy and confident and hopeful. the future seems full of possibility instead of a deep, dark abyss.

it's okay to be happy sometimes. i deserve it as much as anybody else.

mad world - lyrics by tears for fears

all around me are familiar faces
worn out places, worn out faces
bright and early for their daily races
going nowhere, going nowhere
and their tears are filling up their glasses
no expression, no expression
hide my head i want to drown my sorrow
no tommorow, no tommorow

and i find it kind of funny
i find it kind of sad
the dreams in which i'm dying
are the best i've ever had
i find it hard to tell you
'cos i find it hard to take
when people run in circles
it's a very, very
mad world

children waiting for the day they feel good
happy birthday, happy birthday
made to feel the way that every child should
sit and listen, sit and listen
went to school and i was very nervous
no one knew me, no one knew me
hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
look right through me, look right through me

and i find it kind of funny
i find it kind of sad
the dreams in which i'm dying
are the best i've ever had
i find it hard to tell you
'cos i find it hard to take
when people run in circles
it's a very, very
mad world

journal entry 183...

you know, it just hit me as i was doing my exercises: i really am starting to feel better. happier. i don't wake up feeling anxious or scared as much. mostly i just wake up feeling like myself - determined and proud.

i can do this thing. i'll make it through and the woman i end up as will be even better than the woman i was before.

the only times i feel anxious or afraid are when i think i might run into one of them. not just J & A, but all of them, that whole crowd that i'm no longer a part of. i just don't want to see any of them or have to deal with them.

so far, so good. i hope my luck holds out indefinitely. permanently.

journal entry 182...

so apparently this is going to be one of those exhausting cycles where all i want to do is sleep.

last night i really tried to stay awake because it was an episode of "the simpsons" that i'd never seen before, but i couldn't do it. my eyelids were like bricks and i just couldn't hold them open. i was sound asleep by 8pm. what a jetsetting life i lead!

i didn't want to get out of bed when my alarm went off either, but i had no choice. there is work to be done. sigh.

i did have a dream about J & A but it didn't make me sad. in the dream i was hanging out wiith BO and apparently A lived in the same apartment complex and we saw J & A walk by. they saw us too and both of them said hi and BO said hi back. i didn't say anything because the way A said hi was really snotty.

i was really pissed in the dream and i went out to check the mail or something which was kind of far away in the opposite direction from all of them but then J came up behind me and tried to be all nice and friendly and i just went off on him and told him what a backstabbing jackass he was and how much he hurt me and how much he disgusts me now and what a cruel, backstabbing bitch A is and how selfish and pathetic they both are. i told him it broke my heart that he would date one of my frineds when there are half a million other women around for him to date and blah, blah, blah. i just went on and on and told him every single thing that's been on my mind these past four months. he was kind of guilty and apologetic but then he got mad and i was all "who the fuck cares how you feel about this? you are absolutely in the wrong so fuck the fuck off!"

then i walked back to A's apartment, knocked on the door, and proceeded to rip her a new one when she answered. she was very bitchy and smug and i told her what a hypocritical fuck she was and reminded her of all of the times i'd been her shoulder to cry on when she was having trouble with one of her boyfriends and how i never ever turned around and fucked any of them. that shut her up for a second, but then she went back to being a smug asshole and acting like i was making too much of it all so i told her to go fuck herself and that i hoped that in a few years she looked back on this time in her life and realized what an awful friend and horrible person she had been and that she was ashamed of herself. then i walked back to BO's apartment.

when i got back to BO's apartment, J was there and they were talking and BO said she still wanted to be his friend and if she had to take sides then she would take his. i was really shocked and hurt and pissed but i was all "figures. i can't trust a fucking one of you." so i picked up my shit and left and that's all i can remember.

surprisingly, i felt really relieved and empowered after the dream. it was very cathartic to just yell and scream and let it all out, even if it was only in a dream. i really think i am getting to the acceptance stage and i'm starting to feel less traumatized by the whole thing. time heals all wounds, as they say. (and wounds all heals as they also say. they'll get theirs.)

so anyway, that's that. i woke up still feeling a bit tired but i also felt like a little bit of rage had been released too. it's good to let some of it out so i can let some of it go. if it takes me a year to truly get over this, then i'm already a third of the way through. phew.

tonight is my first night of mentor training. i hope it's just a lecture and question and answer stuff because i'm not into role playing at all. i'm kind of shy and i don't like talking to or in front of strangers. i guess if we have to i will, but i hope we don't. role playing is always my least favorite part of volunteer trainings and/or team buildings.

i still need to start working on my poem for friday too. if i can manage to stay awake during my free time to do so! maybe the training tonight will inspire me. i remember the trainings for the DV shelter always did.

off to do my morning exercises.

daily affirmation - jan 25th

What is creative visualization?

Creative visualization is the technique of using your imagination to create what you want in your life. You are already using it everyday, every minute in fact. It is your natural power of imagination, the basic creative energy of the universe which you use constantly whether or not you are aware of it. All you have to do is relax deeply and picture the desired goal in your mind exactly the way you want it to be.

"I am now visualizing my life exactly the way I want it."

today's horoscope...

JANUARY 25th

Why are the easiest things sometimes so difficult? Why do we end up wrestling intently with problems that we really ought to be able to sweep aside? Different people have different theories. Some think that the universe deliberately clouds our judgement, or puts us in compromising situations so that we can be tried and tested. Maybe that's true, maybe not. Every so often, though, we get a break. Suddenly, we see what's going on, what's really needed and how to make it all okay. You are about to gain such clarity.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

i *heart* molly ivins...

i found this via susie bright's journal and wanted to save it to read later.

Molly Ivins: Not. backing. Hillary.

tell it, sistah.

journal entry 181...

crap. i just wrote a really long, poignant entry and my computer freaked out and shut down before i hit post. i'll take that as a sign that i need to silent for a moment and relax and breathe and take it easy. so here i go, being silent and relaxing and breathing...good morning world.

today's horoscope...

JANUARY 24th

Somebody really loves you. You really love somebody. Are we talking about the same somebody in both cases? In theory, that's all that's necessary for a happy emotional life. In reality, nothing is ever quite so simple. Love, though, is love. If it is sincere, unconditional and non-judgemental, it lights the life of the giver and the receiver, regardless of the official status of the relationship between them! Be inspired by the love that you feel now and share whatever love you can, wherever you can. The further into your future I gaze, the more good news I can see.

Monday, January 23, 2006

journal entry 180...

i really do think i'm starting to get over this thing because my period is due any day now and i don't even feel like crying or killing myself yet. unless it's just a glitch in my cycle and the wrath of sorrow will arrive with the blood flow.

i have noticed that i'm thinking about it at least 33% less than i was before though, and even when i get a little twinge of hurt or hate, it's usually in and out of my mind just like that: GGRRR! i hate them!...wait, what was i talking about?

i'm glad for a break in the nutcasery as it has been a difficult burden to bear. i hope that it lasts but even if i have a wipeout during the curse, at least i'll know it's hormones and not real emotional shrapnel.

so i'm on a new path in life and i'm moving in a new direction. i'm leaving all those losers behind and opening myself up to new and improved possibilities.

also, i think the fact that i've been so busy with ipod repairs and work stuff has helped keep my mind occupied with other things. i don't have the time to brood and cry when there are flights to be booked and expenses to be paid...

what about everything? - lyrics by carbon leaf

holiday quiet on these streets, except for some stubborn leaves,
that didn't fall with the fall, and now they clatter in vain
holiday sky, midnight clear, wind is high, hard to steer
old muffler rumbles like an old fighter plane
in search of some rest, in search of a break
from a life of tests where something's always at stake
where something's always so far
what about my broken car?
what about my life so far?
Wwhat about my dream?
what about-

what about everything? what about aeroplanes?
and what about ships that drank the sea?
what about the moon and stars?
what about soldier battle scars?
and all the anger that they eat?
i am not in need

get away and come with me, come away with me and we'll see
if i was right on that night, that a future was made
before time takes each year- like a knife cuts it clear
it's school, then work and then life that just sharpens the blade
i think about time for fun, i think about time for play
then i think about being done, with no resume
with no one left to blame, what about fortune and fame?
what about your love to obtain?
what about the ring?
what about-

what about everything? what about aeroplanes?
and what about ships that drank the sea?
what about the moon and stars?
what about soldier battle scars?
and all the anger that they eat?
i am not in need

holiday quiet on these streets, except for some reason me
the hometown harbor lights bright, the sailboats clatter in vain
holiday sky, midnight clear, wind is high on this pier
i find it hard to complain when compared with
what about-

what about everything? what about aeroplanes?
and what about ships that drank the sea?
what about the moon in stars?
what about soldier battle scars?
and all the anger that they eat?

what about aliens? what about you and me and
what about gold beneath the sea?
what about when buildings fall?
what about that midnight phone call?
the one that wakes you from your peace?
well i am not, i am not, i am not in need

journal entry 179...

ugh. yesterday was a full day of technical difficulties.

i got back to the city at a reasonable hour and then i showered and headed off to the genius bar to find out what was up with my new, broken ipod. the genius ran a test on it and said it was indeed broken, gave me a new one and sent me on my way. so i came home and was all excited and decided to back up my hard drive and then update my ipod, just to be a good girl.

i have over 40 MG of info on here though so it took forever. then, when it was almost done, it froze up and refused to go any further. so then i was all stressed out and upset because i didn't want to deal with the genius bar AGAIN so i decided to reboot and try fixing it on my own.

on the second round it was zipping through all the files and i thought it was going to be all smooth sailing but then it got to the same spot and froze again. this time i decided to give it a rest and try my new ipod instead, which i hoped would update quicker than the hard drive back up was taking.

i plugged in the ipod and everything was smooth sailing until song 735 and it froze and gave me the same error as the other one. "hmmm," me thinks, "that's the exact spot it stopped updating on the other ipod." then i was all concerned that my laptop was breaking my ipods but i decided to try deleting the song that was stalling the process and see if it would update if i got rid of that kink. and so it did!

WHO'S THE GENIUS NOW, MOTHER EFFERS!?! hee!!!

i thought everything was going to be just fine, but i got about fifteen more of those errors and then everytime i'd delete the song that was holding up the process, it would go along like it was supposed to until it reached another corrupted song file. i figured this all out on my own, mind you, but the thing i can't figure out is how the files are getting corrupted. they're all from discs i downloaded myself and they used to work just fine so i don't know what's happening to kill them. i hope that's the end of them though and that my library is all pristine and worry free now.

once i was done updating my ipod i thought, "maybe those files were what was screwing with my back up proccess too!" so i rebooted and tried the back up process again and lo and behold, it zipped through the whole thing just as it was supposed to and it was mission accomplished, but for reals, not george bush style. yay me!

so anyway, that is why i was unable to post a journal entry yesterday, my laptop was giving me grief and i was busy trying to be my own genius bar. and fortunately i was successful! i was totally exhausted at the end of it all though, and couldn't even be bothered to stay up for COLD CASE. i was sound asleep by 8:30. (hello, sad, pathetic spinster!)

but enough about the glory of my new ipod and my own geniosity and mad sleeping skillz.

i think it's going to be another stressful, hectic week at work. lots of travel and meeting arrangements to be made. i've also got my first mentor training class on wednesday night. i'm looking forward to it though. i hope there are cool people in the class. (a cute, straight, single boy with a biting wit and fancy for strong willed brunettes would be a good start.) hee.

i'm still a bit tired and frazzled from all the tech support i gave myself yesterday so i'm going to close here for now and do some stretching and meditation. i'll check back in later if all goes well.

daily affirmation - jan 23rd

Living in harmony with the universe

Although letting go of the old world may seem difficult at times, it is well worth whatever it takes to make the transition into the new world. We are now learning to live in accordance with the true laws of the universe. Living in harmony with the universe is living full of joy, power, love, and abundance.

"I am living in harmony with the universe."

today's horoscope...

JANUARY 23rd

We have to be practical, don't we? We must work within our limits, mustn't we? Watch out, this week, for a tendency to sell yourself short. The rent has to be paid and life's day-to-day requirements need to be fulfilled. This, though, doesn't mean you should ignore what you feel. Nor should you consign your great dream to the file marked 'eternally pending'. You now have a great passion and a sincere desire to express your love for something or someone. It is just as important to honour this as it is to make the books balance.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

daily affirmation - jan 22nd

Letting go

Let us imagine life is a river. Most people are clinging to the bank, afraid to let go and risk being carried along by the current of the river. When the pain of hanging on becomes greater than the fear of letting go, we let go and the river begins to carry us along safely. Once we are used to being in the flow of the river, we can begin to look ahead and guide our course. We choose which of the many branches of the river we prefer to follow, all the while still going with the flow. We can enjoy being her now, flowing with what is and at the same time, guide ourselves consciously toward our goals by taking full responsibility for creating our own lives.

"As I relax and let go, I flow toward my greatest good."

today's horoscope...

Your week ahead: 'Money makes the world go round.' Does it? Is there an enormous slot machine up at the North Pole? Do teams of people have to feed in cash, day and night, lest we stop rotating? Listen, if money had anything to do with the real purpose of this planet, nature would answer to a firm of accountants. They would soon decide to do away with all those different species of trees and animals. It would be much more cost effective to just have a few basic models. Thankfully, we don't live in such a world. Or do we? Some people seem to think so - but that's their problem. Venus says it's safe to prioritise your heart, not your bank account.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

journal entry 178...

i feel better this morning. i think it must be "female trouble" as they say. too many hormones coursing through my system and threatening to drive me insane. at the moment though, i think they're all at the right levels and i'm looking forward to spending the day in the 'burbs.

it turned out that my ipod was thoroughly trashed and i had to get a new one. and the warranty expired on the 15th so i had no recourse but to fork out the cash. i did the recycle thing and saved 10% on the new one, but it was still $450 i can't really spare. i had no choice though. i can't live without my ipod so i needed a replacement for my train ride today. i purchased the apple care package too so at least i have 2 year coverage on this one. fuckers.

ironically, the new one is fucked up too so i'm going to have to make another run to the "genius bar" when i get back to the city tomorrow. fortunately, it did transfer a handful of songs so i have something to listen too, it just didn't transfer all of them like it should. stupid thing. i think i'm going to love it when it's working properly though. i got the 60 MB color version in black and it's slightly slimmer and more attractive than my old one. it also displays the album artwork which i love. i guess overall i'm pretty happy, i just wish it was working properly and that it wasn't quite so expensive.

but anyway. i need to jump in the shower and get ready for the day. i'm hopeful that it's going to be a good weekend and that's certainly a good start.

daily affirmation - jan 21st

Being, doing, and having

We can think of life having three dimensions: being, doing, and having. Often we attempt to live our lives backwards. We try to have more money in order to feel we can do more of what we want, so we can be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. We must first be who we really are, then do what we feel guided to do, in order to have what we want.

"I allow myself to be; I do what feels right; I have everything I truly want."

today's horoscope...

Your Weekend: Money is amazing stuff. No matter how it comes to us - or how carefully we try to hold on to it, events conspire to drain our purses dry. Enthusiasm often seems to obey the same law. Each morning we wake up ready to go out into the world and do what must be done. By nightfall (or before) we feel weary and empty. Tolerance too, seems to be taken from us as fast as we try to create it. A certain situation is now demanding all you've got. But it will, I promise, need no more than that and you'll get back all you put into it this weekend.

Friday, January 20, 2006

friday poetry blogging - tenth edition...

untitled - by me (broken ladder)

sometimes she feels like a dead girl
all cold
and useless
and wet

her heavy skin turns to dust
gradually
and some of it blows away

until she remembers
and is ashamed
that she isn't
dead at all

it's just that some parts
of her
don't manage to fit

she keeps on banging into
all the wrong places
and slamming up against the parts
that aren't comforted
by the world

but she reminds herself:
this is just one house
among god's mansions

and although the rest
of them
aren't sure how
to belong to it either

they still attempt
to cradle each other's hearts
tenderly
as if they hadn't sold them
already

journal entry 177...

i keep doing stupid things though. i'm going to stop.

1) looking at my old place to see if J is looking at it.
2) looking at his blog to see if he posts anything to upset me.
3) looking at our mutual friends' online photos to see if there are any of J & A together.

i need to get the fuck over it and stop giving a shit. i DON'T give a shit, i just like to drive myself insane apparently.

J & A both suck and were both terrible friends to me and they deserve each other. i hope they make each other miserable, but i'm not going to let them make ME miserable anymore. good riddance, fuckheads!

and stop rubbing salt in the wounds, self. it's ridiculous and SO SO TIRED! move on already. jesus!

journal entry 176...

i'm not sure if it's PMS, residuals from J's bday celebration without me, the fact that my ipod is broken and i can't fix it on my own, or all of the above, but i am starting to feel a bit of melancholy approaching. i'm trying to stop it before it comes on too strong but i can feel my throat closing up in spite of me and my heart feels sunk into my belly.

maybe it's a hormone imbalance and i truly do need meds to deal with this. at the moment i feel quite like i wish i was dead so that i could just rest peacefully forever and forget all of this stress called life.

i need to find a GYN A.S.A.P. before i K.I.L.L. myself.

randomness ninety-four...

ha. and now it's broken again. :-(

randomness ninety-three...

i rule. i totally just fixed it, i think. i tried 95 million different ways to reset and restore it and i think one of them actually worked. it's downloading songs from itunes now so that must mean i fixed it, right?

i hope so. if i did i will feel like i am my very own genius bar. yay me!

randomness ninety-two...

my ipod just died and now i'm sad. i tried everything i could to repair it but i think she's really dead. and only 4 days after my warranty expired. figures.

journal entry 175...

today's affirmation is really appropriate. i have never been one of those "be here now" people although i've always wanted to be. i think i'm going to try harder to become one, to enjoy my life as it happens instead of suffering through and just hoping something better is going to come along. i need to recognize the positive aspects of everything in my life. even the difficult, depressing parts are setting the groundwork for me to become a stronger, more compassionate person.

last night i had some scary dreams. in one there was a vicious dog that kept chasing after me and as i ran away from it, i ran into high tide and was almost carried out to sea. i managed to grab on to a railing and save myself just in time. there were lots of other little dreams in there too, but they all seemed to come back to the vicious dog and me trying to get away or not be noticed by him.

this week went by so fast. i was incredibly busy and stressed at work and today's gonna be more of the same but at least it's the weekend tomorrow and i can sleep in a little bit. i've got a knot under my left shoulder blade and i'm hoping a little extra sleep will help me relax and smooth it out. i'm also going to take the train down to visit CA, CL, and EM for TO's bday. i'm looking forward to seeing them, especially EM. i've started missing her more often these days. i guess coz she grows so fast and i'm afraid i'll miss something.

i haven't had time to work on a poem this week so i might skip "friday poetry blogging" today. i still have a few hours to come up with something, but i'm not feeling particularly inspired and i know that work is going to be hectic so i won't have much time to be creative. we'll see how it goes.

anyway, i'm going to take a moment to be creative by coming up with a new playlist for my walk to work and maybe it'll inspire me to write something on my way.

p.s. the thing that sucks about not being sad all the time anymore is that i don't seem to have as much to say either. the curse is due next week though so PMS should bring about a bit of melancholy anyday now to throw me into another funk. oh goody.

daily affirmation - jan 20th

Fulfillment is found in daily life

Fulfillment comes from what you are doing this very moment. It is not a matter of doing things now for gratification later (I will work now so I can get a better job later. I will work hard now so that I can retire and enjoy life. I will work hard now to have enough money for vacation.) It is the fulfillment of what you are doing now that counts. Even the simplest things are significant.

"I find fulfillment in everything I do."

today's horoscope...

JANUARY 20th

There is an enormous difference between theory and practice. Having spent some while reviewing a policy and defining a principle, you are now trying to make it a reality. It is already clear that this is not going to be quite as easy as you had hoped. It is not, though, impossible. You will have to make some adjustments, this weekend, but you won't have to abandon your plan and start all over again. Venus insists you are on the right track, but you may have to start travelling down it at a different speed.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

journal entry 174...

i was thinking as i was walking to work that i'm really not that far behind. when i think of everything and everyone i've seen and done and loved since i was 18, i've covered quite a lot of ground. and considering i've got at least that much left ahead of me (barring any accidents) i've still got pretty good odds at finding love and peace and happiness again.

i was also thinking that it's really only about 3 years i've wasted. or lost. in the sense that for 3 years i had a specific circle of friends i felt very close to and connected with, whom i no longer do. so now i'm leaving them behind and starting fresh so those years i was with them are now just history and memories. but i'm still young and will meet new people and build new relationships and feel loved and cared about and accepted again. i know i will.

also i was thinking that i can't wait until i feel nothing for J and A. at the moment i feel disappointment and loss over J and disgust and hatred over A. i'll be happy when i can think of or see either of them and not feel the slightest twinge of anything. that will be when i know i've truly found peace.

love will come to you - lyrics by the indigo girls

guess i wasn't the best one to ask
me myself with my face pressed
up against love's glass
to see the shiny toy i've been hoping for
the one i never can afford
the wide world spins and spits turmoil
and nations toil for peace
the paws of fear upon your chest
only love can soothe that beast
and my words are paper tigers
no match for the predators of pain inside her

i say love will come to you
hoping just because i spoke the words that they're true
as if i've offered up a crystal ball to look through
where there's now one there will be two

i was born under the sign of cancer
(love will come to you)
like brushing cloth i smooth the wrinkles for an answer
(love will come)
i'm always closing my eyes and wishing i'm fine
(i close my eyes and wish you fine)
even though i know i'm not this time
(even though i know your not this time)

i say love will come to you
hoping just because i spoke the words that they're true
as if i've offered up a crystal ball to look through
where there's now one there will be two

dodging your memories a field of knives
always on the outside looking in on other's lives

i say love will come to you
hoping just because i spoke the words that they're true
as if i've offered up a crystal ball to look through
(i have offered up to you)
where there's now one there will be two

and i wish her insight to battle love's blindness
strength from the milk of human kindness
a safe place for all the pieces that scattered
learn to pretend there's more than love that matters...

journal entry 173...

the last dream i can remember before waking up was someone (my mother?) giving birth to a baby girl. i was there to witness the birth and catch the baby. it was a very quick and easy birth and the baby was perfect and beautiful and i was quite happy about it but then i woke up so i'm not sure how it turned out. she looked a bit like BE and she was very happy and sweet.

oh. i'm remembering a couple of others. in one, J & A were on the front page of the paper because they were at some protest or something. i laminated the photo but then A asked me for it because she said it was her paper. i told her no but that i'd find another copy for her and she could laminate it herself. i remember noting to myself (in the dream) that her haircut was quite ridiculous and she wasn't very cute. it made me feel better about myself.

there was another dream about a car wreck and a bad guy and trying to escape from him but i can't remember the details.

i wonder what the baby dream was about. the dream book is stupid and doesn't have a listing for giving birth and for babies it's just about new parents worrying over them. doesn't apply to me. you'd think "giving birth" would be a big, important symbol but apparently not.

anyway, i made it through J's bday yesterday relatively unharmed. he emailed the thank you which i ignored, but he must've thought i didn't get it because he sent it again right before i left work so i responded to that one just so he'd stop emailing me. it too was short and sweet. i just wished him well and told him i hoped he'd find every happiness in life. i closed in a way that couldn't be confused as open ended. and that was the end of that.

i really am trying to get better and stop dwelling and do the mature, responsible thing and move on. it's getting easier and i think it will continue to do so. my self-esteem is no longer dwindling daily and as i start feeling better it starts to improve too so i know i'm on the right path.

there are so many questions and so many ways this can go. i just hope i'm starting to make the right choices so i end up in a better place. i really am trying and i can feel subtle changes taking place within me daily. i'm not so scared of the future and i have hope that i will find love and success and stability once more. i believe i will.

daily affirmation - jan 19th

Higher purpose

We each have a significant contribution to make in this lifetime. I call this contribution to our higher purpose. It always involves being yourself totally, completely and naturally, and doing something or many things that you genuinely love to do, that come easily to you. As you learn to follow your feelings, dreams and visions, to explore doing things you love, you begin to discover your higher purpose.

Every moment is a moment of creation and each moment of creation contains infinite possibilities.

"By being myself and doing what i love, i make a significant contribution to life."

today's horoscope...

JANUARY 19th

What have you done? What have you said? Like someone waking up in the morning after a wild night out, you are trying to piece together recent events and developments. As it all slowly comes back to you, you are wondering whether you have gone too far. Have you put yourself in an unsustainable position? The only real way to find out is to try sustaining it and see how far you get. As you now view your situation with less passion and more pragmatism, you are seeing it differently. But.. only a little differently. You have just read your sun sign forecast. Other factors in the sky though, may now be influencing your personal birth chart.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

journal entry 172...

things are starting to feel really different and new to me. i'm not missing my old people as much anymore and i'm starting to feel like i'm embarking on a new chapter in my life. where i was resistant and afraid of my new situation, i am finally starting to feel okay with it and although i'm still somewhat nervous and anxious, i'm excited and hopeful too.

this is a new start, a new chance to move in another direction. i am redefining myself and my life. all the people i meet from here on out will not know the old me, they'll only know the one i show them, the one i want to be.

this is a good thing, a positive step, and i'm going to be happy about it. no time for sorrow or regret, i need to look toward the future with optimism and hope. it's my life and it can be anything i make it. this time i'm gonna make it good.

journal entry 171...

i sent the ecard to J for his birthday. it was short and sweet. i basically just said "happy birthday and have a great year" and left it at that. for some reason i just can't seem to let brithdays pass without saying anything because i'm too sentimental or something.

anyway, he responded to say thanks with a long winded email about how great i am and how he'll always love me and how he misses me and blah, blah, blah, but you know, it doesn't even phase me. i just filed it away with his other emails and i don't intend to respond. i am still hurt and angry and i still HATE his new girlfriend so i really don't have anything to say or any reason to establish contact with him again.

i just needed to acknowledge his birthday and i did and it made him happy and so be it. that should be the last of it as i have no reason for further contact with him until his birthday next year and by then i'm sure i won't even care or have any sentimentality left for him anyway.

i'm not at 100% yet, but i'm at a c minus and that's a good start.

randomness ninety-one...

it was raining harder than it's rained in awhile as i was coming in to work. when i walked out the door it was barely spritzing and i almost walked but decided to take the bus just in case it was raining heavier downtown. it's a good thing i did, coz it was, and i got soaked just walking the few blocks from the bus stop to the office.

now it's crystal clear out though, and you wouldn't even know it had been pouring less than an hour ago. i'll bet people who are just waking up won't even believe it rained. they'll just wake up to a beautiful new day and think it's always been thisd way.

journal entry 170...

wow. today's horoscope and affirmation really seem appropriate to what i'm going through. i really have been feeling better and like i'm making some progress and their insight is just the kick in the pants i need to keep on plugging away.

it's amazing how much can change in a short period of time. only two weeks ago i was miserable, anxious, and hateful, and wishing i was dead. now i feel calm and hopeful and i only hate A, but even that's lost a little steam. i hate her, but with a little less investment. i don't think about her as much so it's easier to turn off that emotion and go to a better place. when i see her i'm filled with rage and disgust, but then i take a few deep breaths and calm myself down and move my thoughts to something less negative and painful.

mostly i'm just happy to have gone so long without a real crying and wallowing jag. i think i am getting better and truly starting to heal. and that i've managed to do it entirely on my own, with no real help or support from anyone else, shows how strong and capable i really am. i guess i'm kind of proud of myself too.

i need to be emotionally stable and available for my mentee so if for no one else, i need to keep my shit together for them. i'm feeling a little better everyday and i hope it stays that way.

daily affirmation - jan 18th

Change

Change happens not by trying to make yourself change, but by being conscious of what's not working. You can then ask your higher self for help in releasing the old and bringing in the new pattern. Remember, the darkest hour is just before the dawn - change often occurs just when you've given up, or when you least expect it.

"I am open and willing to change."

today's horoscope...

JANUARY 18th

Are you going round in circles? It may seem that way - but actually, you are spiralling. There is a subtle but crucial difference. Circles take you right back round to where you started. Spirals appear to be doing much the same but with each rotation, you end up getting a little higher - or going a little deeper. There is something very constructive about the situation you now find yourself in. Even if you feel confused or you fear that you are just repeating some old and overly familiar exercise, you are making real progress. The further into your future I look, the brighter your outlook gets.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

journal entry 169...

i passed! i get to start mentor training next week and hopefully they'll be able to match me with a good kid soon. i'm so, so excited and giddy about the program. i hope i can do a good job and be a great advisor and confidante to a good kid.

please, please, please let the kid really want a good mentor and to be part of the program. i really want to be placed with a kid who is psyched about the program and not just doing it for extra credit or something.

i know we're supposed to be there for the kid in whatever capacity they need, i just hope that my kid is looking forward to it as much as i am.

yayayay! i'm so happy i passed!

journal entry 168...

well, that's that. the last of my long weekends for awhile. the holiday season is truly over and now it's back to the old grind indefinitely.

i slept so much this weekend. it was nice though. i've been feeling like i'm on the edge of getting sick but hopefully the extra rest and relaxation gave me the extra boost to my immune system and i'll miss out on any illness.

yesterday i napped for almost three hours and when i woke up at 4:00 i was worried that i wasn't going to be able to get back to sleep at a reasonable hour but i actually wasn't able to stay awake and fell back to sleep around 7:30. my back is kind of sore from laying in bed for so long.

but anyway, i do feel rested and ready to start my work week. i've also been feeling more content and peaceful lately, as if all of the heavy duty heartache is behind me and now i'm actually healing and recovering and moving on. i haven't been nearly as obsessed with J & A or what they're up to, so maybe there's hope for me yet. i can indeed let things go and move on with my life.

tomorrow is J's birthday though so we'll see. i'm sure i'll be hurt/annoyed that i'm not invited to anything but even if i was i wouldn't go. it's just that we used to be best friends and now we're nothing. it's sad, but it is what it is. i'm going to send him an ecard to wish him well and then i'm just going to try and forget about it. i think it's possible. i haven't felt really sad about it in almost two weeks so hopefully i'll make it through tomorrow without a relapse.

i'm supposed to find out this week if i'm accepted for the mentor program so i've got my fingers crossed on that. i feel pretty good about it so hopefully they feel pretty good about me too.

i think i just need to keep making plans and working towards a brighter future and not obsess over things i have no control over. pretty soon i'll think about dating again and that'll be a whole new challenge to look forward to. yikes.

daily affirmation - jan 17th

Freedom from struggle

We strive so hard to make our lives the way we want them to be. As you begin this day imagine that you can give up struggling for a whole day. Relax for a while, and trust that your needs will be met by the natural flow of life.

The philosophy of 'being here now' and letting go of attachment is a very freeing experience. When you do this, you discover that you're really perfectly okay, in fact you feel quite wonderful. You can just let yourself be, let the world be, and give up the struggle of trying to change things.

"I relax and let myself be."

today's horoscope...

Your week ahead: It doesn't matter how hard you rev your engine, if you don't take the brake off you won't get very far. Progress, this week, does not depend on effort and determination. It requires your willingness to move on from something that has been holding you back. Why may you be reluctant to do this? Because you like the impediment. It feels familiar. You know where you stand with it. You may even have an emotional attachment to the cause of your restriction. Summon the courage to put down whatever it is you have been holding on to. If you really need it, it will adapt, change and accompany you. And if you don't? Then what on earth do you still want it for?

Monday, January 16, 2006

journal entry 167...

i slept and watched movies all day yesterday. i felt pretty shitty, but it was nice to just lay in bed all day and be lazy. i really should learn my lesson though and know not to open another bottle of wine when we're all rowdy and rambuncious. that's a sure sign we've had enough, as soon as we're wanting more. ugh.

i'm glad i've got the day off so i can do all the stuff i was supposed to do yesterday: laundry, ironing, etc.

i'm starting to get a sore throat and i don't know if i'm going to get sick or if it's allergies or what. i'm hoping i'm not going to get sick. i really want to go a whole year without illness.

anyhoo, that's it for now. maybe i'll write again later.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

journal entry 166...

we had too much fun last night so i'm not having any fun today. boo.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

randomness ninety...

what does it say to girls and women everywhere when people choose to abort female fetuses by the hundreds of thousands? and men too, for that matter. it's not a problem with abortion, it's a problem with not valuing women. they can't afford dowrys to pay families to marry their worthless daughters, they can't afford the lavish weddings, blah, blah, blah.

it's a bunch of bullshit, and rather than stop the ridiculous customs of dowrys and lavish weddings and all the other crap that goes along with marriage and families, they give birth to male children and kill the females before they have a chance to ruin anyone's life. because it's not the customs that suck, it's the female sex that sucks. keep the bullshit and get rid of the women.

not to get all metaphysical or anything, but i really do feel that there's a collective shame and sorrow that women are born with and carry around forever just by virtue of our sex. that generations of women have sent this emotional burden out to the universe and every female is born with the knowledge that she is worthless and unwanted; a mistake. and we fight and struggle against that knowledge to believe in and love ourselves despite the "horror" of our gender. no wonder we're so fucked up.

it really does hurt my feelings when i read articles like this even though they're not specific to me. it hurts to know that my gender is at risk just by existing. and that there is so little willingness to change it. that so much of humankind is willing to accept violence against and the murder of women as the "cost of living".

fuck the partriarchy.

journal entry 165...

a whole week of not feeling shitty and miserable. i can't remember how long it's been since that's happened. i've actually felt pretty good in fact, and hopeful about the future. i wonder if it's a real, lasting change. i certainly hope so.

sometimes i just tell myself that i feel happy and then i do. kind of like i feel nothing until i announce it to myself and these days i announce that i'm happy instead of announcing that i'm pissed off and hateful or sad. it seems to work so i'm going to keep doing it.

"i feel happy and optimistic today!"

i think the interview went well yesterday. the people i met with seemed really nice and appreciative of my interest. they also seemed really excited that i'm all "arsty" and whatnot because lots of the kids express themselves better through art. the things they have trouble communicating verbally often comes out in other ways and the program director seemed impressed by my "extracuriculars". the thing that really got them going though, was when i told them i'm really organized and good with schedules and time management and budgets. i guess this is an area the kids really need guidance in so they were psyched that it's something i'm good at and enjoy.

i should find out next week if i'm accepted. i think as long as my references and background checks out i'm good to go.

i'm looking forward to dinner tonight. i made the potpie filling last night and it turned out pretty good except that it's a bit salty. i forgot to get low sodium chicken broth and believe me, it makes a difference. i'm going to add some water and cream to it when i reheat it before putting it in the pie to bake. hopefully i can cut down on some of the salt without making it too watery or runny. at least i'm a pro at the cobbler though, so that'll be fine and worry free.

it will be nice to see BO and XT again too. i haven't had company since BE came over before xmas that one night. my second house guests since september. egads. which reminds me, i've got some cleaning to do so i'll end here for now.

"i feel happy and optimistic today! really! yay me!"

daily affirmation - jan 14th

Trust your deepest feelings and act on them

If they are truly from your intuition, you will find that they lead to a feeling of greater aliveness and power and more opportunities begin to open up. If you don't feel more alive and empowered, you may not have been truly acting from your intuition, but from some ego voice within you. The ego seeks what it knows, the familiar, the unchangeable. Often it is based on fear. On the other hand, your intuition never comes from feelings of fear. Go back and ask for clarification and trust your intuition to give you direction.

"As I trust my intuitive feelings and act on them, I feel powerful and alive."

today's horoscope...

JANUARY 14th

Your Weekend: What stops you from going off to do something dramatically different? Less than you might imagine. You've got all the intelligence, acumen and talent required. It's just the dedication that's going to be hard to find. There are certain promises you don't want to break and commitments that you have to keep up. Mars and Jupiter, though, insist you CAN find a way to honour these without compromising your vision. Look for it this weekend and you'll yet find a way to get the future you want without spoiling the situation you've currently got.

Friday, January 13, 2006

friday poetry blogging - ninth edition...

she rises - by me (broken ladder)

morning sun breaks
through bitter clouds
and sheds a little light
on a tiny puddle of hope
momentarily defeating
the darkness

i wanna be adored - lyrics by the stone roses

i don't have to sell my soul
he's already in me
i don't need to sell my soul
he's already in me

i wanna be adored
i wanna be adored

i don't have to sell my soul
he's already in me
i don't need to sell my soul
he's already in me

i wanna be adored
i wanna be adored

adored

i wanna be adored
you adore me
you adore me
you adore me
i wanna
i wanna
i wanna be adored
i wanna
i wanna
i wanna be adored
i wanna
i wanna
i wanna be adored
i wanna
i wanna
i gotta be adored

i wanna be adored...

journal entry 164...

today's the big day - my mentoring interview at the shelter.

i'm kind of nervous. i really want to do well and be part of the program and make a difference in some kid's life. i hope they like me.

i wasn't sleepy yesterday after only 5 hours of sleep, but today it caught up with me and i'm a bit groggy this morning. i'm sure i'll be awake and alert for the interview it's just that organizing my thoughts right now for this entry is a bit troublesome.

BO and XT are coming over for dinner tomorrow. i'm making chicken pot pie. i've never done it before so i hope it turns out okay. the recipe makes it sound pretty easy so hopefully it really is.

i'm going to have to get up early tomorrow to clean the house, bake the cobbler, and figure out the pot pie.

ugh. i'm too groggy and unfocused to write at the moment. i'll try again later.

daily affirmation - jan 13th

Step by step, we are shown the way

Though the messages of the intuitive self may come through a bit at a time, if we learn to follow the supply of information piece by piece, the necessary course of action will unfold. As we learn to rely on this guidance, life takes on a flowing, effortless quality. Our life, feelings, and actions interweave harmoniously with those of others around us.

"Moment by moment, I'm learning to trust the flow of my life."

today's horoscope...

JANUARY 13th

Do you really know what you are saying? Are you really sure of what you are hearing? There is nothing ordinary about the conversation that is now taking place. Crucial points are being communicated. Important ideas are being exchanged. Maybe it has all been said before, but it hasn't been properly understood. What's being discussed now, though, is going to lead to a lasting change. That may seem like a daunting thought, but it is part of an extremely positive process. Be honest and realistic this weekend.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

randomness eighty-nine...

episode six is killing me.

"people who live in glass houses have to answer the door."

hahahahaha. good times!

randomness eighty-eight...

talk about validation! even the fug girls know the rules and they put it right out there for everyone to see. we're all in agreement here:

Oh, honey, it's actually written in The Code -- right underneath "Don't date your friend's ex"...

they're talking shit on a lady's hairdo but the point is, they totally put out there in black and white what i've known all along but feared i was making too much of or the only one who really played by that rule.

i may be the only one who plays by it, but at least i've got the integrity to play fair.

journal entry 163...

it was crisp and clear and i made all the lights and missed all the puddles of vomit so my walk to work was quite pleasant this morning.

when i got to the top of the hill and could see the hotel harrington sign i was overcome with this intense feeling of wonder and joy. i actually stopped to acknowledge it and congratulate myself on my hopefulness.

it was that same feeling i had all those many years ago when LA and i drove up here and had brunch on the roof of her lover's apartment building. everything seemed so lovely and new and full of possibility.

i've decided that's my favorite emotion: the thrill of possibility and the hopefulness surrounding it. it's better even than really getting what i want - the excitement of knowing there's something wonderful out there for me and that i might actually be able to have it. it's so much better than working and struggling to finally get it and realize that it wasn't what i wanted after all.

a thousand tiny pieces - lyrics by sean hayes

we'll just play this one out until it explodes
into a thousand tiny pieces
what's your story universe?
you are melody and numbers
you are shapes and you are rhythms
there are signs that we can learn
to place over the heavens
to predict how long they will burn
how long will i last?
can i turn up the heat?
what star am i circling?
what's circling me?
now my ebb and my flow
and my lack of control
turning on, turning off
saying yes but playing no

things keep changing
things keep changing
things keep changing

we'll just play this one out until it explodes
into a thousand tiny pieces
what's your story universe?
you are melody and numbers
you are shapes and you are rhythms
there are signs that we can learn
to place over the heavens
to predict how long they will burn
how long will i last?
can i turn up the heat?
what star am i circling?
what's circling me?
now my ebb and my flow
and my lack of control
turning on, turning off
saying yes but playing no

journal entry 162...

it's barely 5 o'clock in the morning and someone just rang to be buzzed in the building. what the eff?

sirens were blaring in the background so i could barely hear the person anyway, but i didn't let them in. i don't know anyone who lives in the building and no one i do know is up this early anyway so it certainly wasn't for me.

i'm glad the buzzer rings the telephone though, that way i can see who it is on my caller id and ignore it instead of pressing a button and saying "hello?" and having some drunk guy say, "hi, can you let me in?" and then having to come up with a polite way of saying "hell to the no!"

i finished watching "country boys" last night and that kid cody is one jesus freak i actually like. he seems really sincere and kind hearted. i was pleasantly surprised that he's okay with "the gay". i was disturbed however, by how many of those kids thought that a girl/woman should be forced to give birth even if the pregnancy was the result of rape by her father. only one girl said she didn't and that was only due to fear of birth defects. again with the "woman? what woman?" thing. it's always and only about the fetus. goddamn fetus worshippers.

and that poor kid, chris. i hope things work out for him one of these days. he's still young so there's a chance. maybe someone watching the program will take him under their wing and mentor him and help him make a good life for himself. his story reminds me a lot of what i went through growing up and the people my mother associated with. it's a hard fucking life, and i'm so grateful to have had JO to help guide me in a better direction. if not for her, i'd probably still be back there with a couple of kids and a couple of ex-husbands, smoking a couple of packs a day. no thank you.

(i love you and miss you so much JO!)

anyway, i think i'm starting to get better. i haven't fretted over J & A since i decided to stop fretting over them. obviously, i have thought of them periodically, but it hasn't tortured me. i've just redirected my thoughts whenever they appear there. plus my new mantra helps: they suck, i rule, the end.

i still haven't responded to J's email from last week and i don't intend to. his birthday is next week and i decided i'm just going to send him a relatively impersonal ecard and just say "happy birthday. i wish you a long and happy life and hope all of your dreams come true." and that'll be that.

i'm just really sentimental and for some reason i can't just let his birthday pass without notice. i hate him, but part of me will always love him too. fucking dickhead.

A's birthday is next month, but i have absolutely no love left for her so she can kiss my ass. no ecard or well wishes from me. as far as i'm concerned, she can go fuck herself. dirty, backstabbing skank.

but enough about those two fuckheads. i'm getting on with my life and not letting them bother me anymore. i am healing and getting well and becoming the person i want to be. there are still traces of pain and bitterness, but i'm working through them and i will survive. maybe i'll even be ready to start socializing and dating again one of these days. zoinks! that's a scary thought.

babycat is giving me "the look" so i'd better get up and feed her. time to start a new day. here i go...

daily affirmation - jan 12th

A wise being lives inside you

There is a wise being inside of you. It is your intuitive self. Focus your awareness into a deep place inside your body, a place where your "gut feelings" reside. You can communicate with it by silently talking to it, making requests, or asking questions. Then relax, don't think too hard with your mind, and be open to receiving answers. They are usually very simple and relate to the present moment, not the past or future, and they feel right.

"I trust the wisdom inside of me."

today's horoscope...

JANUARY 12th

It's not what you say. Nor, necessarily, is it how you say it, nor even who you say it to. Often, what really makes a difference is when you say it. You can hold the same conversation a hundred times and exchange little by way of new information. The same old words will fall on the same old half-deaf ears. Then, one day, someone will be in the mood to really listen, properly. The right moment will have come. You may think that nothing so special is now being talked about. A brief dialogue, though, is about to have a big, positive impact.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

journal entry 161...

my mentor died of ovarian cancer when i was twenty-four. she was like a mother to me. i had moved out here a year or two before and she was still back home so i wasn't with her when she passed. for that reason i've never had any real closure and sometimes it feels like she's still there, that if i were to call she'd pick up.

her birthday was last sunday. she would have been seventy-two. i really miss her and think of her daily. i'm sure i'd be a lot less fucked up if she was still around to give me advice and tell me what i should do. she was a lovely, lovely person and i feel so blessed to have known her. i wish i could have known her longer.

i want to be for someone else, what she was for me. i really, really hope this mentor thing works out.

journal entry 160...

you know, to be perfectly honest, it's more pathetic than anything else. the fact that those two idiots couldn't find anyone else to become involved with besides one another speaks volumes. they're both sad, desperate losers who would rather trash a friendship than show any integrity or self-respect and wait for something better to come along.

and also? they suck, i rule, the end.

journal entry 159...

i mean it. i really am letting it go. i just wanted to say that i hate them but i'm not going to let it get to me. i just needed to get it off my chest and out of my system so i don't fume all day.

they suck, i rule, the end.

"I am being filled from the source within me."

journal entry 158...

i know it's wrong to hate, but i really do hate/loathe/despise A.

i just looked out the office window to see if it's still raining and of course i did so at exactly the same moment that J & A were obviously meeting up for lunch.

my stomach kind of dropped and i was immediately filled with fury and hatred for her. she literally makes me sick. i find her disgusting and repellent. and J is disgusting too. they're both fucking assholes.

i really get pissed when i think about her and how she's never apologized. unless you count her calling me bitter and toxic and wishing me a good life. which i don't. and the fact that she takes no blame or responsibility for being a backstabbing skank.

she makes me sick.

but anyway, i'm going to let it go now. i just wanted to get it off my chest and this is the only place i have to go to.

i really fucking hate her. she's a disgusting fucking skank.

journal entry 157...

my horoscopes lately have been really positive and exciting. my life however, hasn't changed at all.

i have been working on my attitude though, and i think it is starting to make a difference. i even saw one of J's close friends yesterday and didn't freak out. we both saw each other from across the street so i sucked in my gut and waited for what he was going to do. he just looked at me and smiled and waved so i smiled and waved back. easy as that. no tearful confrontation or anything, just genuine smiles from across the street. if it had happened last week i would've lowered my head and pretended i didn't seem him and then went back to my desk and silently wept.

good times.

i fell asleep early last night so i'm going to have to watch part two of "country boys" online today. i was so sleepy from staying up late for part one that i fell asleep before "gilmore girls" even started. fortunately i can read the recap on "television without pity" so i'll be caught up for next week.

i wonder if "everwood" is a new episode this week. because if i stay up late tonight to finish "country boys" i'll probably sleep through "everwood" and there's no recap anymore so i'm screwed. maybe i'll just finish reading "a million little pieces" tonight and watch "country boys" online tomorrow. i haven't seen "everwood" in ages and if it's a new episode i wanna be awake for it. i've missed andy/treat.

who knew i'd get so addicted to certain tv shows? i guess that's what happens when you stop being a social butterfly and hole up alone in your apartment for four months.

crap. i just checked the listings and "everwood" isn't even on tomorrow night. it's that stupid "beauty and the geek" show. why can't they cancel "7th heaven" for that shit so i can get my treat fix?!?! oh the humanity! and my horoscopes have promised me such great things. lies!!!

anyway. it's raining this morning so i'm going to ride the bus to work. hopefully it'll stop by this afternoon so i can walk home. i need the exercise and i feel out of sorts when i don't have my daily walking/thinking time. i shouldn't really complain though. it has been a pretty mild winter and i've only have to take the bus a handful of times so far. and at the end of march it should be all behind us and i'll be walking 24/7 without a break.

i'm starting to ramble so i'll end here. oh! one more thing though. it's a lot different reading "a million little pieces" now. i'm two thirds of the way through it and i hate to not finish a book when i start it, but now as i read it i keep thinking, "yeah right." i didn't mind the macho, tough guy bullshit as much when i thought it was a true story, but now it's annoying and tiresome. no wonder the publishers kept turning it down when he pitched it as fiction.

today's horoscope...

JANUARY 11th

Have you ever watched an old building being blown up with dynamite? The explosives expert stands a long way back. The trigger gets pulled, the explosion is heard and then, for a moment, it seems as if nothing has happened. The structure remains intact until, suddenly, it caves in on itself. An irreversible process has now begun in your world. So far there is little evidence of change. It may take a few more days before you really start to see how different this year is going to be for you. But not much more.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

randomness eighty-seven...

if you're ever walking around in my neighborhood you shouldn't take a very deep breath. it's all piss and shit and puke around here, and the odors that accompany them.

randomness eighty-six...

i just remembered something totally stupid i used to do.

when GR and i were together all those years ago i used to mark a heart on my calendar to represent when we had sex. i was very insecure and we fought all the time and the little hearts gave me comfort. i guess i thought they represented my value, my desirablity.

i think i used to even mark as many hearts as the number of times in the same day. i guess sometimes i felt more loved and desired than others.

one time we made love at his house and afterwards, when he went to the bathroom, i found a previously used condom in between the bed and the wall. surprisingly, the first thing that i felt wasn't disgust, but disappointment. i realized he had used it with someone who wasn't me. i knew this because it was red and we always used the natural colored trojans.

thinking back on it makes me kind of sad and i feel bad for the insecure young woman i used to be. it's no wonder i'm so fucked up. i don't think i'd put up with that shit anymore though. at least i hope i wouldn't.

randomness eighty-five...

when i was walking to work this morning i saw this guy up ahead of me. at first i thought it was J but then i realized he wasn't balding enough.

that's what i actually thought "nah, it's not J, that guy's not balding enough." then i kind of laughed to myself because it's mean, but true.

i never mentioned his thinning hair when we were together because i knew it bothered him. that didn't stop him from implying that i could lose some weight on a few occasions though.

i guess one of us just has better manners. and it's not the balding one either.

journal entry 156...

today's affirmation was boring so i'm just going to do yesterday's again:

"I am being filled from the source within me."

i've decided to be happy again today. it takes a little bit of effort but so does anything worth doing, right? and as if to give me an added boost of encouragement, the theme song to "wonder woman" just played on my ipod. i've got it on shuffle so i assume it was a sign.

"all the world is waiting for you and the power you possess..."

amen, brother. i've been waiting for myself too!

i received my xmas package from mom yesterday. she always sends me the weirdest shit, but this time she came a lot closer to what i like. it was sweet and thoughful and it actually came within a reasonable time so that was a pleasant surprise. she also included a really long letter and it wasn't depressing like they usually are so that was a relief. she sounds pretty good and like she's on the right path so maybe there's hope for her yet. for both of us.

i'm a bit groggy and distracted so i'm going to do my stretches and try to wake up.

today's horoscope...

JANUARY 10th

Do you want to become a different person? Do you want to start leading a different life? It is always tempting, in early January, to start entertaining radical aspirations. Our yearning for change grows more intense as it becomes clear that the New Year is starting to look much the same as the old one. Really, though, you only need one small but crucial factor to become different. Fix that and everything will be fine. You are not so sure whether this is possible? Well, here's a promise. It is.

Monday, January 09, 2006

journal entry 156...

today has actually been a relatively good day. i haven't felt like crying once and when i have felt myself getting ready to go to one of my "dark places" i've just changed my mind and decided not to. maybe this new plan really will work.

the workday is almost over and i'm looking forward to watching FRONTLINE's "country boys" tonight.

it's crisp and clear out so my walk home should be lovely too.

and i guess it's true that i just need to stop looking for the negative in order to find what's good.

i just may start evolving anyday now, afterall.

randomness eighty-four...

i'm still totally shocked about the discovery that "a million little pieces" is mostly fabricated, exaggerated and untrue.

girlbomb dropped the bomb and i'm still reeling.

i'm halfway through it and i must admit that i've been going back and forth from the story to the back cover to the last page that tells what happened to everyone back to the story and so on. i mean, it is totally unbelievable. i'm all "how the HELL is this guy not dead?"

there's been a persistent, nagging suspicion that something wasn't quite right but i thought "a billion people can't be wrong, can they?" apparently they were.

i feel kind of duped but kind of relieved too. as if now he seems more human where before he was some kind of miracle. now he's just like the rest of us. common and ordinary with no special powers or story to tell.

and to be perfectly honest, the story he was telling was so fucking horrible i'm glad to know that he didn't really have to experience it or live through it.

i do feel kind of sorry for him though, coz it must suck to be exposed not as the tough guy you portray yourself as, but just a sad, ordinary fraud.

it is however, annoying how much he talks about truth and honesty and frauds and fakes in his book and how he'd like to kick their asses, when he is one himself. i suppose we're all hypocrites to one extent or another though.

journal entry 155...

alright. all signs seem to be pointing to "stop whining and get to work." "all complaining and no game plan makes jill a big fat bore."

so. i'm going to try another approach this week and see if things don't workout better. it's worth a try. and it's not like the approach i've been using up to now has done me much good. fortunately, i woke up this morning feeling strong and capable and fed up with this crap. and i'm tired of being miserable. it really is exhausting. so, new day, new way.

i have my mentor interview at the youth shelter on friday. for some reason i'm as nervous about it as if it were a job interview. i don't want to screw it up and i want to get put with a good kid. or not necessarily a "good" kid, but one with whom i have a lot in common, with whom i can build a good relationship.

i think i'm mostly nervous because i have to go in to interview in person. they did phone interviews for volunteers at the DV shelter so this seems a bit more intimidating. oh well, i'm sure it will be fine and if i'm not a fit then i'm not a fit and it's better to know sooner than later. if the youth shelter doesn't work then i'll check out the senior center.

i hope the youth shelter works out though. old people kind of scare me.

i had some bizarre dreams last night. they were all pretty hectic and exhausting, but i woke up feeling kind of invigorated by them. i felt like they were some sign that i can handle this shit and that it's all going to turn out just fine.

i'm just so impatient. i always want things to turn out the way i want them and i want it all to happen immediately. i guess i need to remember that thing i read on whiskey river last week:

"You're searching, Joe, for things that don't exist; I mean beginnings. Ends and beginnings - there are no such things. There are only middles."

there are only middles and i just need to keep plodding along because i'm nowhere near the end yet. this is the beginning of a new way of doing things for me, but everything to follow is going to be a series of middles for quite some time. and that's not a bad thing.

patience. virtue. for its own sake. and so on.

and i'm going to go back to "using my words" again. for awhile there i was doing pretty good and when i'd get on a negative path i'd stop myself and redirect my thoughts with a positive affirmation: i release all negativity and bitterness from my heart and open it to peace and joy. that didn't last long though. i think when i saw J & A together over my vacation, that whole thing went out the window and whenever i'd get on a negative path i'd just dissolve into tears of grief and rage and throw myself a big ol' pity party.

and now here i am: all pitiful.

but enough of that. i'm going to try this new way. really give it my best effort. and part of that is yoga and meditation again so i'll stop here for now so i can get started on that.

daily affirmation - jan 9th

Emptiness is filled from the inside

When we are most unhappy we have a starved feeling in some way. We feel that life in general and other people in particular are not giving us what we need. We try desperately to grasp the love and satisfaction that we crave from outside. Yet we are actually choking off the supply.

The new world is based on trust of the universe within us. We recognize that the creative intelligence and energy of the universe is the fundamental source of everything. Once we connect with this and surrender to it, everything is ours. Emptiness is filled from the inside.

"I am being filled from the source within me."

today's horoscope...

JANUARY 9th

They say, 'The road to hell is paved with good intentions.' What does that mean, that the road to heaven is paved with bad ones? Most roads, these days, have a similar surface. They don't, though, all lead to the same destination. If you have correctly set your inner compass, you will travel in the right direction this week - and this year. Progress may not be as rapid as you may like it to be, but if your intentions are honourable AND your efforts are consistent, you will yet reach a wonderful place.