Tuesday, January 03, 2006

journal entry 141...

bursting with sorrow and regret.

it was an emotional day. i tried to hold it all in but when i got outside and started walking home it was raining so i let some of it out and the tears were hidden in the rain.

work was really hectic and stressful and then i got an email from H followed by an email from J and it brought up a lot of sadness and pain. i didn't know what to do or how to respond so i didn't. i just read them and filed them away and decided i would do something with or about them when i know what to do. which may be never but definitely isn't now.

it's that i feel so misunderstood and confused and angry and hurt and sad and lonely and frustrated and scared and i don't want to let them back in because i'm afraid of getting hurt again. and because i'm proud. and i don't know if i'll ever feel any differently.

i feel anxious and panicky about the future and what could happen if i make the wrong choice or do the wrong thing.

so there you go. all sad and confused and blubbering like a fool again.

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