Wednesday, January 04, 2006

journal entry 143...

i think i feel better today, although i am still a little sleepy.

it's weird how i still have dreams about mcdonald's even though i haven't worked there in almost twenty years. last night i dreamt that i was worried about being late for my shift. after a bit of trouble with getting the car into the proper gear i eventually arrived four minutes late and the boss was annoyed.

in another dream i was helping my mom and dad gather evidence for some trial they were working on. maybe they were suspects? anyway, we were tagging and bagging evidence and this detective kept trying to steal it because it all implicated him. it was pretty stressful but then the dream changed and i was in a rodeo trying not to get kicked in the head by a bull.

no wonder i'm so still so sleepy. that was quite a workout i got in my dreams.

it's not raining anymore so i can walk to and from work today. it's supposed to stay dry for the rest of the week too so that's something to be happy about. i can get my daily exercise and still remain dry.

i don't know. maybe i'm too groggy to write. i just feel kind of blah and don't know what to say about it.

i'd like to be really happy. i'd like to trust and believe in people again. in myself.

this is such a long process. i hope that when i finally get through it i have truly learned something and become a better person for it. i've got to learn my lessons this time because i really don't think i'm strong enough to go through this again.

ha. wouldn't that be a cruel twist if my lesson was that i HAD to go through it again just to prove that i AM strong enough to go through it again?

cruel indeed, and i wouldn't be the least bit surprised.

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