Friday, January 06, 2006

journal entry 150...

i think hanging out with ST last night really helped because i woke up today feeling almost cheerful. i usually wake up thinking i'm okay though, and then there's this gradual remembering throughout the day where i realize what has become of me and i have a difficult time bearing it.

i'm going to try and be positive and happier today though. it is friday after all and that in itself is something to be glad about.

i had lots of bizarro dreams last night but the ones that stick out most are one about my birthday and one about my ex before J. the dreams kind of blended into each other but basically it was my birthday and i made dinner for my mom and one of my cousins only i was my age now and he was still the cousin i remember as a nine year-old.

anyway, there was the exchange of gifts and i kept getting all of these stuffed animals which was weird because i don't even like stuffed animals. i also got a few cds by bands i don't really like but overall i was pretty satisfied with everything.

then it kind of changed and my ex-boyfriend GR was there and i was trying to show off my cooking skills and get him to choose between apple pie, blueberry cobbler, and a cherry tart. in the dream i apparently knew how to make a cherry tart too, i guess.

he was very impressed and after we ate we started fooling around and i was all happy and excited because even though he was THE WORST BOYFRIEND EVER, we were really attracted to each other and had a pretty passionate and exciting sex life. but in the dream he was actually kind of a decent person and decided that we shouldn't start sleeping together again because it would complicate the relationship and put our friendship at risk. in real life he would NEVER have said anything like that. all he cares about is sex, to hell with what's decent, right and mature.

so that was that. i haven't thought of him in months, except when thinking of J and how he is now in the same category as GR and MA, the two worst boyfriends of my life. how far he has fallen. he used to be number one in the category of best boyfriends in my life, right up there with WE and ME who are tied at number two. or i guess at number one now.

i think maybe i should make an effort to get out more or make time to socialize with the few friends i do still have. i always dread it at first but i end up enjoying myself and feeling great relief being able to release some of this pent up anguish and hostility.

i think i'm going to look into therapy too. everyone i've talked to says it has really helped them and lord knows it certainly couldn't hurt.


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