Sunday, January 08, 2006

journal entry 153...

i feel kind of blah today which is better than feeling totally depressed and suicidal, i guess.

last night i dreamt that i was going to a party with my old "crew" and that J & A were both going to be there as well, as a couple. in the dream i wasn't particularly upset, mostly just angry at them. i was planning to tell J off when i saw him but the dream switched before i got there so i don't know how it would've turned out.

i think another or the million reasons i can't get over this thing is because A has never even apologized. it's hard to forgive someone who doesn't want your forgiveness. and the fact that she's never apologized makes me hate her even more. the fact that she called me bitter and toxic when SHE is the fucking reason i'm so bitter and toxic. she thought i was the coolest person on earth before she started fucking my ex-boyfriend. fucking bitch, fucking skank, fucking FFFFFFUUUUUCCCKKK!!!!

i want to get over this shit and move on but it's so fucking difficult. i swear, i really do try and put it behind me. i really do try and let it go and not think about it but it's practically impossible when every fucking thing reminds me. this is a SMALL FUCKING TOWN. i don't want to leave it but i wonder if i'm going to have to in order to get over this.

why can't they fuck each other at her house so i don't have to ever see them? it's like they hope i WILL see them all happy together or something. like they want to rub my nose in it. fucking dicks, fucking assholes, fucking FFFFFFUUUUCCCKKKS!

ugh. i am really so sick of having all of this in my mind and heart. i am so tired of the stomach aches and heartaches and crying jags and panic attacks and fear and worry and frustration. i need a pill. don't they make a pill to make this all go away?

the longer this heartache lasts, the more "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" appeals to me. i think if i could, i really would have both of them erased from my memory. at least then i could regain my capacity to trust and believe in people again. at least then i could get some of my innocence back and i wouldn't be this hard, bitter person i've become.

i need a pill or a mind eraser.

(clearly i'm not doing my affirmation/meditations right. because i suck.)

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