Monday, January 09, 2006

journal entry 155...

alright. all signs seem to be pointing to "stop whining and get to work." "all complaining and no game plan makes jill a big fat bore."

so. i'm going to try another approach this week and see if things don't workout better. it's worth a try. and it's not like the approach i've been using up to now has done me much good. fortunately, i woke up this morning feeling strong and capable and fed up with this crap. and i'm tired of being miserable. it really is exhausting. so, new day, new way.

i have my mentor interview at the youth shelter on friday. for some reason i'm as nervous about it as if it were a job interview. i don't want to screw it up and i want to get put with a good kid. or not necessarily a "good" kid, but one with whom i have a lot in common, with whom i can build a good relationship.

i think i'm mostly nervous because i have to go in to interview in person. they did phone interviews for volunteers at the DV shelter so this seems a bit more intimidating. oh well, i'm sure it will be fine and if i'm not a fit then i'm not a fit and it's better to know sooner than later. if the youth shelter doesn't work then i'll check out the senior center.

i hope the youth shelter works out though. old people kind of scare me.

i had some bizarre dreams last night. they were all pretty hectic and exhausting, but i woke up feeling kind of invigorated by them. i felt like they were some sign that i can handle this shit and that it's all going to turn out just fine.

i'm just so impatient. i always want things to turn out the way i want them and i want it all to happen immediately. i guess i need to remember that thing i read on whiskey river last week:

"You're searching, Joe, for things that don't exist; I mean beginnings. Ends and beginnings - there are no such things. There are only middles."

there are only middles and i just need to keep plodding along because i'm nowhere near the end yet. this is the beginning of a new way of doing things for me, but everything to follow is going to be a series of middles for quite some time. and that's not a bad thing.

patience. virtue. for its own sake. and so on.

and i'm going to go back to "using my words" again. for awhile there i was doing pretty good and when i'd get on a negative path i'd stop myself and redirect my thoughts with a positive affirmation: i release all negativity and bitterness from my heart and open it to peace and joy. that didn't last long though. i think when i saw J & A together over my vacation, that whole thing went out the window and whenever i'd get on a negative path i'd just dissolve into tears of grief and rage and throw myself a big ol' pity party.

and now here i am: all pitiful.

but enough of that. i'm going to try this new way. really give it my best effort. and part of that is yoga and meditation again so i'll stop here for now so i can get started on that.


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