Thursday, January 12, 2006

journal entry 162...

it's barely 5 o'clock in the morning and someone just rang to be buzzed in the building. what the eff?

sirens were blaring in the background so i could barely hear the person anyway, but i didn't let them in. i don't know anyone who lives in the building and no one i do know is up this early anyway so it certainly wasn't for me.

i'm glad the buzzer rings the telephone though, that way i can see who it is on my caller id and ignore it instead of pressing a button and saying "hello?" and having some drunk guy say, "hi, can you let me in?" and then having to come up with a polite way of saying "hell to the no!"

i finished watching "country boys" last night and that kid cody is one jesus freak i actually like. he seems really sincere and kind hearted. i was pleasantly surprised that he's okay with "the gay". i was disturbed however, by how many of those kids thought that a girl/woman should be forced to give birth even if the pregnancy was the result of rape by her father. only one girl said she didn't and that was only due to fear of birth defects. again with the "woman? what woman?" thing. it's always and only about the fetus. goddamn fetus worshippers.

and that poor kid, chris. i hope things work out for him one of these days. he's still young so there's a chance. maybe someone watching the program will take him under their wing and mentor him and help him make a good life for himself. his story reminds me a lot of what i went through growing up and the people my mother associated with. it's a hard fucking life, and i'm so grateful to have had JO to help guide me in a better direction. if not for her, i'd probably still be back there with a couple of kids and a couple of ex-husbands, smoking a couple of packs a day. no thank you.

(i love you and miss you so much JO!)

anyway, i think i'm starting to get better. i haven't fretted over J & A since i decided to stop fretting over them. obviously, i have thought of them periodically, but it hasn't tortured me. i've just redirected my thoughts whenever they appear there. plus my new mantra helps: they suck, i rule, the end.

i still haven't responded to J's email from last week and i don't intend to. his birthday is next week and i decided i'm just going to send him a relatively impersonal ecard and just say "happy birthday. i wish you a long and happy life and hope all of your dreams come true." and that'll be that.

i'm just really sentimental and for some reason i can't just let his birthday pass without notice. i hate him, but part of me will always love him too. fucking dickhead.

A's birthday is next month, but i have absolutely no love left for her so she can kiss my ass. no ecard or well wishes from me. as far as i'm concerned, she can go fuck herself. dirty, backstabbing skank.

but enough about those two fuckheads. i'm getting on with my life and not letting them bother me anymore. i am healing and getting well and becoming the person i want to be. there are still traces of pain and bitterness, but i'm working through them and i will survive. maybe i'll even be ready to start socializing and dating again one of these days. zoinks! that's a scary thought.

babycat is giving me "the look" so i'd better get up and feed her. time to start a new day. here i go...

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