Wednesday, January 18, 2006

journal entry 170...

wow. today's horoscope and affirmation really seem appropriate to what i'm going through. i really have been feeling better and like i'm making some progress and their insight is just the kick in the pants i need to keep on plugging away.

it's amazing how much can change in a short period of time. only two weeks ago i was miserable, anxious, and hateful, and wishing i was dead. now i feel calm and hopeful and i only hate A, but even that's lost a little steam. i hate her, but with a little less investment. i don't think about her as much so it's easier to turn off that emotion and go to a better place. when i see her i'm filled with rage and disgust, but then i take a few deep breaths and calm myself down and move my thoughts to something less negative and painful.

mostly i'm just happy to have gone so long without a real crying and wallowing jag. i think i am getting better and truly starting to heal. and that i've managed to do it entirely on my own, with no real help or support from anyone else, shows how strong and capable i really am. i guess i'm kind of proud of myself too.

i need to be emotionally stable and available for my mentee so if for no one else, i need to keep my shit together for them. i'm feeling a little better everyday and i hope it stays that way.


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