Thursday, January 19, 2006

journal entry 173...

the last dream i can remember before waking up was someone (my mother?) giving birth to a baby girl. i was there to witness the birth and catch the baby. it was a very quick and easy birth and the baby was perfect and beautiful and i was quite happy about it but then i woke up so i'm not sure how it turned out. she looked a bit like BE and she was very happy and sweet.

oh. i'm remembering a couple of others. in one, J & A were on the front page of the paper because they were at some protest or something. i laminated the photo but then A asked me for it because she said it was her paper. i told her no but that i'd find another copy for her and she could laminate it herself. i remember noting to myself (in the dream) that her haircut was quite ridiculous and she wasn't very cute. it made me feel better about myself.

there was another dream about a car wreck and a bad guy and trying to escape from him but i can't remember the details.

i wonder what the baby dream was about. the dream book is stupid and doesn't have a listing for giving birth and for babies it's just about new parents worrying over them. doesn't apply to me. you'd think "giving birth" would be a big, important symbol but apparently not.

anyway, i made it through J's bday yesterday relatively unharmed. he emailed the thank you which i ignored, but he must've thought i didn't get it because he sent it again right before i left work so i responded to that one just so he'd stop emailing me. it too was short and sweet. i just wished him well and told him i hoped he'd find every happiness in life. i closed in a way that couldn't be confused as open ended. and that was the end of that.

i really am trying to get better and stop dwelling and do the mature, responsible thing and move on. it's getting easier and i think it will continue to do so. my self-esteem is no longer dwindling daily and as i start feeling better it starts to improve too so i know i'm on the right path.

there are so many questions and so many ways this can go. i just hope i'm starting to make the right choices so i end up in a better place. i really am trying and i can feel subtle changes taking place within me daily. i'm not so scared of the future and i have hope that i will find love and success and stability once more. i believe i will.


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