Wednesday, January 25, 2006

journal entry 182...

so apparently this is going to be one of those exhausting cycles where all i want to do is sleep.

last night i really tried to stay awake because it was an episode of "the simpsons" that i'd never seen before, but i couldn't do it. my eyelids were like bricks and i just couldn't hold them open. i was sound asleep by 8pm. what a jetsetting life i lead!

i didn't want to get out of bed when my alarm went off either, but i had no choice. there is work to be done. sigh.

i did have a dream about J & A but it didn't make me sad. in the dream i was hanging out wiith BO and apparently A lived in the same apartment complex and we saw J & A walk by. they saw us too and both of them said hi and BO said hi back. i didn't say anything because the way A said hi was really snotty.

i was really pissed in the dream and i went out to check the mail or something which was kind of far away in the opposite direction from all of them but then J came up behind me and tried to be all nice and friendly and i just went off on him and told him what a backstabbing jackass he was and how much he hurt me and how much he disgusts me now and what a cruel, backstabbing bitch A is and how selfish and pathetic they both are. i told him it broke my heart that he would date one of my frineds when there are half a million other women around for him to date and blah, blah, blah. i just went on and on and told him every single thing that's been on my mind these past four months. he was kind of guilty and apologetic but then he got mad and i was all "who the fuck cares how you feel about this? you are absolutely in the wrong so fuck the fuck off!"

then i walked back to A's apartment, knocked on the door, and proceeded to rip her a new one when she answered. she was very bitchy and smug and i told her what a hypocritical fuck she was and reminded her of all of the times i'd been her shoulder to cry on when she was having trouble with one of her boyfriends and how i never ever turned around and fucked any of them. that shut her up for a second, but then she went back to being a smug asshole and acting like i was making too much of it all so i told her to go fuck herself and that i hoped that in a few years she looked back on this time in her life and realized what an awful friend and horrible person she had been and that she was ashamed of herself. then i walked back to BO's apartment.

when i got back to BO's apartment, J was there and they were talking and BO said she still wanted to be his friend and if she had to take sides then she would take his. i was really shocked and hurt and pissed but i was all "figures. i can't trust a fucking one of you." so i picked up my shit and left and that's all i can remember.

surprisingly, i felt really relieved and empowered after the dream. it was very cathartic to just yell and scream and let it all out, even if it was only in a dream. i really think i am getting to the acceptance stage and i'm starting to feel less traumatized by the whole thing. time heals all wounds, as they say. (and wounds all heals as they also say. they'll get theirs.)

so anyway, that's that. i woke up still feeling a bit tired but i also felt like a little bit of rage had been released too. it's good to let some of it out so i can let some of it go. if it takes me a year to truly get over this, then i'm already a third of the way through. phew.

tonight is my first night of mentor training. i hope it's just a lecture and question and answer stuff because i'm not into role playing at all. i'm kind of shy and i don't like talking to or in front of strangers. i guess if we have to i will, but i hope we don't. role playing is always my least favorite part of volunteer trainings and/or team buildings.

i still need to start working on my poem for friday too. if i can manage to stay awake during my free time to do so! maybe the training tonight will inspire me. i remember the trainings for the DV shelter always did.

off to do my morning exercises.

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