Thursday, January 26, 2006

journal entry 185...

sometimes the daily affirmations are just too new agey and preachy for me. so i skip them.

last night's mentor training went really well. i think i'm the youngest one there, which kind of surprised me. there are two women who appear to be in their fifities or so, and several men who look at least my age or older. EVERYONE seems a lot more conservative (in appearance anyway) than i am. they weren't anything like i was expecting but they all seem nice enough.

i was happy because the program director saw me before the training started and told me that he thinks he might have a match for me already! sometimes it takes weeks or months for them to find a good pairing, but he thinks he's got one for me. she's seventeen and currently a high school dropout, but she's got relatively stable housing and is into art and photography and that kind of stuff so he's going to work with her some more and see what she thinks. he said she's "pissed off at the world" but once you start talking to her she really opens up and seems like she wants to make progress.

i've never known a high school dropout, besides my dad, so i hope i don't say anything weird or insensitive or offensive. i really want her to get back in school though. i just can't imagine the world holds a lot of possibilities for a high school dropout. it certainly didn't for my dad who ended up in jail for dealing when i was seven.

we also discussed how many of the kids on the street aren't safe about sex and the potential that they might catch a disease or get pregnant and how we need to be approachable and non-judgemental and how we can't give up on them just because we might think they've ruined their lives.

i really, really hope my kid doesn't get pregnant or an STI or anything. not that i'd be judgemental or mad, but just that i want her to have a good life and it will make me sad if she gets into a situation that makes her future seem even more bleak.

i want to be all positive and happy but the training is supposed to be an eye opener, i guess. these aren't your typical teens looking for an after school program, these are kids with a lot of pain and loss and abuse in their backgrounds who are struggling just to find a safe place to live and be. the potential for this to be absolutely heartbreaking is at least 70%. i have to look at the positive side though, and even if i'm only able to make a tiny bit of difference, but enough to show the kid that she's valuable and capable and worthy of love and respect and that she deserves peace and happiness in her life - well, that's all i can really hope to do. i just want to give her a sense of self-respect and self-worth that she may be lacking. and some joy, obviously.

but anyway, i've got another training next week and then he thinks i'll be matched with my kid the week after that so i should be hooked up and good to go by valentine's day. i really am looking forward to it even though i know it will be challenging. i just have to remember it's about the kid, not about me. i want to be someone elses JO. i want to be someone elses cheerleader. i'm going to do the very best job i can do to make a positive impact in her life.

all of this positivity and excitement didn't keep me from having hateful dreams about A again though. i think it was only because i saw J walking from the bus stop as i was closing the blinds when i got home from training last night. i'm going to let it go though, because i don't want to be burdened with that shit today. fuck 'em both, i'm on to bigger and better things now.

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