Saturday, January 28, 2006

journal entry 189...

last night i had several dreams with J & A in them. it's getting really annoying.

in one dream A was a smug little bitch but i kept thinking to myself how pretty she was. (in the dream she looked different than in real life.) in another one, i was at J's apartment which was much, much nicer than in real life and it was really tidy and well decorated. i was annoyed because i felt like he had cleaned up his act and gotten his shit together for her when he never would for me. i snooped around and never saw any pictures of her or of them together, but her makeup bag was on the table next to the bed.

mostly i was just jealous. i didn't want him back, but i wanted him to want me back. i flirted with him and we had our arms around one another and were nearly kissing. i wasn't attracted to him, i was just being cruel and wanted him to want me again. i asked him if he'd leave her for me, if he wanted to get back together and try it again. he said no and i was shocked. he said it was too painful and he couldn't risk getting his heart broken again. i was annoyed and disappointed and then i woke up.

so i have to ask myself, who is really the bitch here? it seems like i've got vindictive bones running all through my body. something i need to work on. that, and forgiveness. i'm still having some trouble with that. i'm miles and miles from perfect.

it looks like it's going to rain today so i'll likely get soaked when i go run errands. i haven't had my eyebrows waxed sine i don't know when though, so it's way past due.

i also busted out the crock pot and i'm making beef stew for dinner. not from scratch, mind you, because i'm really lazy, but the betty crocker out of the bag kind. i hope it's as good as it looks because that's what i'll be eating all weekend.


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