Saturday, January 28, 2006

journal entry 190...

as i was walking home from lunch it occured to me that i really felt like myself. i felt strong and capable and like everything might not be exactly the way i want it right now, but that it wasn't all lost either. i think i'm going to start playing the lottery because i'm feeling lucky.

but seriously, i haven't felt like myself in SO LONG. i mean really long. like since BE and i moved apart. and this morning as i was walking along i was just filled with this sense of well-being that i hadn't recognized in myself for so long. but i felt it this morning and it gave me a sense of hope that i'm going to be okay.

ironically, i notice that i'm not thinking about J&A as much. i think "wow, i haven't thought of J or A in awhile." (does that count as not thinking about them if i think of who i'm not thinking of?) anyway, i may dream about them, but that's beyond my control. in my real life i am moving on and not obsessing over it anymore. although when i DO think about them, it's usually just to think about how much i hate A and what a backstabbing fuckhead she is. last night when i was looking for mom's letter, i found all of these cards and letters from A and it totally annoyed me. i'm trying to decide if i should throw them away or save them as proof that she's a backstabbing skank.

(i have a difficult time coming up with words to describe my feelings about her that aren't anti-feminist. i hate her but i wish all the words to describe people who suck weren't related to the female anatomy or some other word that applies only to women. i'm going to create a new, gender non-specific word that means "totally pathetic, untrustworthy, disrespectful, cruel, dishonest, abusive, backstabbing, horrible jerk.")

good lord. when i think about not thinking about it i fall right back into my old patterns. so enough of that.

i'm halfway through a bottle of sangiovese so i'm starting to ramble. i took a risk with "sangiovese" because i've never had it before and i wasn't sure i'd like it. i like it though. it reminds me of a syrah so i'm good. and i'm rambling again so blah.

you learn something new everyday.

also, it smells like tamales outside my window. someone in the neighborhood is cooking and i really appreciate it. what's the cornmeal stuff called? my friend lorraine taught a bunch of us how to make tamales from scratch one time. it was so much fun and the smell outside my window is bringing it all back. we drank margaritas and modelos and we all laughed really loud and had such a great time. i was fat and bloated as a tick when we left, but so, so happy.

thank you, whoever's making tamales tonight. i'm getting a contact bliss.

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