Tuesday, January 31, 2006

journal entry 193...

i've had a lot on my mind lately, but none of it has really been worth documenting. mostly it's just more of the same.

A's birthday is on sunday so i've been feeling particularly angry and hateful. i feel like i didn't really tell her everything i wanted to. or maybe i did, but i don't feel like she understood it or felt remorseful enough. i think that's the part that bothers me the most, that she has never said she was sorry. as i get past the heartache and shock, i can't seem to get past the anger i feel for her not accepting that she did something totally wrong and hurtful and selfish. i feel like she thinks she's above it all and has nothing for which to apologize. and obviously, i disagree.

she hadn't even been broken up with her last boyfriend for a month before she got together with J. and he hadn't been with anyone since me. and i haven't been with anyone since him. it just seems so gross and cruel and foul that she would have no qualms with trying to replace me. i think the part that offends me the most is that she even thinks she ever could. she isn't one tenth the person i am. and she's a fucking flaky, moronic dipshit. why i was ever friends with her in the first place i don't know. actually, that's not entirely true. i think part of the reason i was friends with her was because she looked up to me so much. she idolized me and sought out my advice and it fed my ego. that's my own fault.

i absolutely hate her and wish i'd never met her.

but you know, i can write that now without crying over it. i haven't cried in a couple of weeks now. i think the last time was a month? ago? i was on the rag and feeling suicidal and miserable and i thought it would never pass, and here it is only a few weeks later and i feel ten times better, fifty times stronger.

i absolutely hate her and i wish i could stop thinking about her. about both of them. i no longer want thoughts of them to plague me.

it has been getting better. i don't think of them nearly as much and i haven't seen them together in awhile which has been a relief. i've also had other things to occupy my time and energy and i feel like i need to get over it and get my shit together completely if i intend to be a good mentor. i mean, what kind of influence am i going to be if i myself have all these awful, unstable, petty tendencies? WHO WILL THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!?!

so yeah, part of me is pulling it together for the kid, but also for myself. i deserve peace and happiness. i am a good, caring, generous, loving person. with flaws. i am a kind and decent human being with flaws, and that is enough for now. i'm doing my best. i'm trying to evolve and grow and expand my capacity for love and forgiveness.

if only that bitch would just fucking say she was sorry.



Anonymous Diana said...

It's amazing how far a 'sorry' can go to put things to rest, and it sucks that you haven't gotten one from A. I think you're doing a great job of moving on...of course you have all sorts of awful feelings for her...it's totally natural.

Here's my thought (and I come at this from a lot of reflection on myself and how much pressure I put on myself to be perfect): of course you're flawed, and it doesn't detract from all the good stuff about you. And those flaws, and those 'petty tendencies'...my god, we're all human. Give yourself a break!

You're a dimensional human package of greatness and smallness, just like we all are, and all of that will help you show your girl what it's like to be real, which is infinitely more useful than to show some phony, superficial & unattainable lie of perfection. Isn't it?

Good for you for the mentoring gig. I think that's just fantastic!

January 31, 2006 8:26 AM  

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