Tuesday, January 10, 2006

randomness eighty-six...

i just remembered something totally stupid i used to do.

when GR and i were together all those years ago i used to mark a heart on my calendar to represent when we had sex. i was very insecure and we fought all the time and the little hearts gave me comfort. i guess i thought they represented my value, my desirablity.

i think i used to even mark as many hearts as the number of times in the same day. i guess sometimes i felt more loved and desired than others.

one time we made love at his house and afterwards, when he went to the bathroom, i found a previously used condom in between the bed and the wall. surprisingly, the first thing that i felt wasn't disgust, but disappointment. i realized he had used it with someone who wasn't me. i knew this because it was red and we always used the natural colored trojans.

thinking back on it makes me kind of sad and i feel bad for the insecure young woman i used to be. it's no wonder i'm so fucked up. i don't think i'd put up with that shit anymore though. at least i hope i wouldn't.

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