Monday, February 27, 2006

journal entry 225...

i think my email to HI is ready, but i'm nervous to send it.

i want to just get it over with, but i have a feeling that when i send mine, she'll have to send another and so and so and so on for all of eternity. and for the past however many months, whenever i see her name of anyone elses from that group show up in my inbox i am filled with panic and dread. which is kind of why i decided to just end it. now the nerve to actually send it.

i didn't tell her i don't like her or anything mean, because i don't have the energy to even be mean about this anymore, i just told her that it pains me to know that she is friends with J&A in spite of their cruel betrayal of me. i told her that i'm still too fragile and vulnerable and that i don't feel like i can have an honest, meaningful relationship with anyone who isn't fully in my corner on this. she says she doesn't want to pick sides, but from my perspective she already has. if she doesn't have a problem with them doing something so blatantly selfish and cruel and disresepctful to me then she's already chosen their side.

at first i was kind of sad to have to lose her all over again, but now i think i'm over it. i don't want any of the others in my life at all and if i were to let her back in, somehow the rest of them would become involved too. it's easier this way, to just let them all have one another and i'll just keep moving forward in this other direction and meet and become friends with the new people i meet.

i just hope she doesn't get pissed and take offense. i hope she just says that she understands my predicament and lets it go at that. we had a good friendship while it lasted but now it's different and time to let it go and move on.

i truly am starting to feel better. stronger.

i still frequently have these long moments of melancholy and longing, but i'm starting to be okay with it. growing pains. starting over and creating a new life is always difficult and scary, but i need to do it so i just need to accept that it's going to be hard at times. in the end it will be worth it. and i really am starting to focus on other things and i'm feeling smarter and more determined and reinvigorated. things are going to be okay. eventually.

i think part of what has been difficult is that the few people i am still in touch with from that group, the people that supposedly care about me, won't allow me to talk about this thing. the J&A thing. they'll email me and say they miss me and ask how i'm doing but if i tell them i'm still hurt or angry or mention the J&A thing at all, they clam up and don't respond. it's as if i have to deny this thing in order to make them feel okay. comfortable. but it hurts me to do that. so i've decided to let them go as well. just let it do that fade out where you stop calling or writing as frequently until eventually it's over and it's been years and you can't even remember when you stopped talking. fade to black.

it's just something i need to do. i feel like it's really unhealthy and if they can't be supportive or understanding then they aren't really friends at all. and life is too short to deal with all this unnecessary baggage. i just want to let some of this burden go so i can travel freely in this new direction.

so that's that. i'm going to send the email today and hopefully it'll put all of this behind me and i can finally breathe easy and get on with my life.

today's horoscope...


This week, most things should trundle along nicely in a safe, ordinary fashion. Little of a remarkable nature will transpire. A sense of routine will help to provide comfortable reassurance. Or at least, that's the theory. If you were someone else, this might just seem credible. But since when have you managed a whole week without a drama of some kind turning up from somewhere? You'll find yourself unable to resist the urge to get involved. You'll learn something valuable, though. And at least it will stop things from being drearily easy for too long!

Sunday, February 26, 2006

today's horoscope...


Your week ahead: Would you like something to think about, talk about and tie yourself up in knots with? Or have you already got quite enough of that kind of thing, thank you? You are not exactly short of intricate details and fiddly little factors, all of which seemingly require constant concentration. It has been some while since you last felt safe enough to relax, take your eye off the ball and just enjoy life. It may, I fear, be some while more before you can have that pleasurable experience in any quantity. This week, though, you should at least stop feeling as if you need to be vigilant 24/7, lest you miss a crucial development. First, things will stabilise. Then, actually, things will improve.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

friday poetry blogging - thirteenth edition...

(on a saturday)
the nuthouse - by me (broken ladder)

you just have to go back

stand in that room
smell that night
hear those sounds
and remember

it really wasn't
very interesting then

but the days
and years have
gone by
and you've
the ones before
to make them

as if they weren't
days just like these

that only brought you
one step closer
to the end

it won't be romantic
or beautiful then

it'll just be over
and you'll finally rest

as if it were a saturday
and you were just
lying there

for the end
of everything

moment in the sun - lyrics by clem snide

when it's my moment in the sun
oh, how beautiful i'll be
but in a normal sort of way
like i am you and you are me
'cause i have a lot of things to say
and you'd be wise to listen good

i think that hunger, war, and death
are bringin' everybody down
when it's my moment in the sun
i'll share my problems with the world
and pschychosomatically i'll sing
to god and all his pretty girls

when it's my moment in the sun
i won't forget that i am blessed
but every hero walks alone
thinking of more things to confess

today's horoscope...


Your Weekend: Mars forms a harmonious alignment to Saturn this weekend. That's your opportunity to take a really big, brave step forward. You have been on the verge of making a brave decision for some while. The time has finally come. You have plenty of motivation and you are not short of opportunity either. While your choices, to some extent, are being dictated by the number of options that you 'can't take' - you are not so much being backed into a corner as firmly led towards the most appropriate place!

Friday, February 24, 2006

messiah complex blues - lyrics by clem snide

i wouldn't die for your sins
'cause what if i lose---and you win?
our friendship is all that we have in the end
but i wouldn't die for your sins

and i love you with all that i can
and bleed from the palm of my hands
i'll see you in heaven if we both get in,
'cause i wouldn't die for your sins
no i wouldn't die for your sins

and the truth isn't so hard to see
come to me i'll set you free
my brothers and sisters, i'll let you in
but i wouldn't die for your sins
no i wouldn't die for your sins.

journal entry 224...

i'm still working on my response to HI. it's really difficult because i don't want to come across as angry or hostile, but i am a little angry and hostile. i also don't want to come across as a whiny crybaby, but i am a bit of a whiny crybaby. so it's coming along, but it's coming along slowly.

i have come to the conclusion that i can't really ever be friends with her again. i mean, we can have a shallow, superficial relationship where we email one another movie reviews and celebrity gossip and the like, but as far as a deep, meaningful relationship? well, that's pretty much impossible. and i'm going to be honest with her about that. i'm going to put it more delicately of course, but i'm just going to let her know that it doesn't feel safe for me to open up or trust her with my well-being when she supports J&A's relationship and can't relate to the pain and betrayal i feel. besides the fact that she's still close friends with several people that i am really the opposite of close friends with. i don't want them back in my life nor do i want them gawking at it from afar or through stories she brings back to them. i just don't trust her, and i feel like the struggles and risks far outweigh any benefits i might gain from it.

i have kept a couple of people from that old group somewhat involved in my life still, but i think i'm going to kind of let that fizzle out too. i'm not going to make a big production out of it, but i think i'll just slowly fade into the background and just communicate with them less and less until one day they're just like, "huh. where's broken ladder? i haven't talked to her in awhile. oh, well." and then they'll just go on with their lives as i will with mine, without them.

i really feel like that circle is just too intricately tangled. there's really no safe way for me to be involved in any way without risking another stunning betrayal. i feel like i really need to stay away from all of them and continue going the way i'm going and just keep moving forward. i do have a couple of people who are still close to me and i have new opportunities opening up to meet new people so i think i'm just going to keep going in this direction.

so. now it's all just a matter of putting it honestly, but delicately, and then letting it go and moving on. at least we will have cleared the air between us and we'll have some closure on the whole thing.

and as far as J goes, well, i've been struggling with that too. missing him. wanting to email him. etc. but i know that it's all just nostalgia and that it will pass. if i can find something else to focus my attention on, then i will forget all about him. or at least i'll care about him a whole lot less. he's pretty much a jackass and i don't need that in my life. it's really sad though. at one time i thought he'd always be "the best boyfriend i ever had" and that we'd always remain the best of friends. but now here we are, and he's been demoted to the catagory of "guys i once dated who eventually just faded from my life entirely".

it's been a learning experience. painful and death defying at times, but a learning experience none the less. and i guess it's better that i learn now rather than fifty years from now. better to start over from a point of insight and experience than to keep repeating my mistakes and die from the shock of realizing i'd been wrong about everyone and everything the whole time.

i'm not down - lyrics by thea gilmore

if it's true that a rich man leads a sad life
n' that's what they say from day to day
then what do all the poor do with their lives on judgement day?
with nothing to say

i've been beat up, i've been thrown out
but i'm not down, i'm not down
i've been shown up but i've grown up
i'm not down, i'm not down

you rock around and think that you're the toughest
in the world, the whole wide world
you're streets away from where it gets the roughest
you ain't been there, oh

well, i've been beat up, i've been thrown out
but i'm not down, i'm not down
i've been shown up but i've grown up
i'm not down, i'm not down

i've have lived that kind of day
when none of your sorrows will go away
it goes down and down and hit the floor
down and down and down some more

but i know there'll be some way
when i can swing everything back my way
like skyscrapers rising up
floor by floor, i'm not giving up
givin' up

cause i've been beat up, i've been thrown out
but i'm not down, i'm not down
i've been shown up but i've grown up
i'm not down, i'm not down

i've been beat up, i've been thrown out
but i'm not down, i'm not down
i've been shown up but i've grown up
i'm not down, i'm not down
i'm not down.

today's horoscope...


There is no great complicated conundrum to wrestle with this weekend. If you feel as if you are up against something baffling and bewildering, you are looking at it from the wrong angle. Mars and Saturn insist that, in essence, your challenge is simple and straightforward. You know (or soon will know) exactly what you need to do. You have (or soon will have) a very practical opportunity to do it. As long as you are sensible and stay calmly and clearly within the realms of the obvious and immediate, you will be successful.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

journal entry 223...

still conflicted.

i wrote a really long email to HI yesterday, outlining my feelings and what i need from her to make our relationship work again, but i haven't sent it yet.

it's a good email, i think. not mean or spiteful or demanding. i basically just said that i understand that she doesn't feel comfortable taking a side in all of this, but that i need her to be on my side because what J&A did was wrong, it hurt me, and i can't just "let it all go" and pretend it never happened. the person i am now is because of what happened.

that said, i went on to say that i didn't realize that she had continued to hangout with them through all of this so i fully expect her to choose their side and stick with them on this since we had a break-up in our friendship anyway. (which was triggered by J&A's betrayal, but whatever.) i kind of just want it to be resolved and behind me. i guess i'm kind of hurt and angry that she's known about it all this time and never once tried to contact me to see if i was okay or comfort me. i mean, what kind of friend is that? all this time i thought she didn't know and that she wasn't speaking to me because of the wedding but that if she did know she would've understood. now i find out she's known all along and didn't really care how i was.

so that hurt me and made me angry, but of course i didn't mention it in the email. i kind of just ignored that fact entirely and said that if she wants to be friends she needs to take my side because that's what i need from her, but if she doesn't want to do that because her friendship with them is more important that i totally understand and i'm fine with that. i just want closure. i'm going to work on it some more and think about my true intentions before i actually send it.

you know, i'm just really, really tired of half-assed relationships. i feel like she's been out of my life for this long and i've survived (barely) and i'm getting stronger, so why go backwards? plus it's complicated since she's still friends with that whole group of people and i don't like or trust the vast majority of them. including her husband. i don't want any of them in my life but if i let her back in, they're certain to become involved somehow. in a way it just seems like it would be easier to just say "forget it. go ahead and stick with J&A and all the rest of them and leave me out of it. i'm going in a new direction."

so i don't know what i'm going to do at this point. part of me loves her and wants to repair things and the other part says, "fuck that. she didn't care about you in your darkest time. when she KNEW you were in pain, she just left you there to figure it out on your own. what makes you think things would be any different this time?"

because really, at the end there, she sucked anyway. i caught her in a couple of lies, she wasn't kind or caring towards me, when the shit hit the fan over HJ, she didn't stick up for me or anything. i mean, overall she was a really shitty friend to me which was another reason i bailed. i think i've kind of romanticized it a bit and fixed it up to seem better than it was because i really was unhappy with my relationship with her too. J&A were what triggered my departure from all of them, but i was glad to get rid of all of them because they all fucking sucked and treated me like crap anyway.

okay, now i'm even more confused. i think i just need to think on it awhile longer. clearly i'm not ready for conflict yet so maybe that's my cue to just back off and forget about this for awhile. she took two weeks to respond to me, i think i'm entitled to as much time. i'm impatient though so i'll probably do something stupid any day now. ugh.

today's horoscope...


Sometimes, we don't especially feel like being nice. We look around and see that others are displaying little by way of kindness, compassion or consideration. Often, they aren't even bothering to mask their selfishness beneath a thin veneer of social nicety. Why, then, should we keep up a front? We shouldn't. We shouldn't pretend - or be hypocritical. We should, though, for our own satisfaction, make a deep, genuine, wholehearted effort to be truly nice and fair, regardless of who else is doing or saying what.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

journal entry 222...

so i'm hurt and annoyed all over again.

HI finally responded to my email and it reopened some wounds so i'm not sure how i'm going to answer her. basically, she said she knew about J&A and has actually been talking to them and hanging out with them since this all went down. she also said she had a feeling that their getting together was what triggered my flight from that circle, but that she wasn't aware of the extent of my pain until my email. she also said she wasn't sure what to do now because she still wants to be friends with them but she knows that may upset me.

so. i'm hurt and angry for a couple of reasons. 1) she's known all along that i was hurt by them and yet she never reached out to me to see if i was okay and 2) she wants to remain friends with both of them too.

HI and J were my two closest friends and when he fucked me over, she didn't come to my rescue or aid. she just left me there to suffer alone, with no care, concern or support and i think that's really fucked up. if the tables were turned, i would have been there for her and i certainly wouldn't be telling her months later that although i understand her pain, i still want to be friends with the people who hurt her and fucked her over.

(she didn't mention whether or not J&A have in fact stopped seeing each other so i don't know if i was wrong or if she just doesn't know. i'm not 100% sure myself, but i'm assuming they are due to their weird post/comment exchange and the fact that he removed her photo from his photo blog.)

but anyway, the fact that this has upset me so much and stirred up all this pain and anger again makes me think that i should just let her go. that i should just tell her that i understand her conflicted feelings and that i respect her right to be friends with whomever she likes, but that i feel like i could never fully relax or trust her knowing that she was friends with them too. and i've finally started to move on and go in a new direction and make new friends. she is really the last shred of what i had before and i kind of feel like i just need to let it ALL go if i'm ever to truly heal.

my capacity to trust has been deeply diminished. A pretty much singlehandedly destroyed my faith in my feminist group and in women's friendships in general. in the legitimacy of genuine women's friendships. up until she started fucking my ex-boyfriend i had believed that it was possible for women to value one another and care about "the sisterhood" and the well-being of one another above the desire for male approval and sexual relationships with men. but her betrayal and her lack of remorse over it has made me question that. has made me question if women really can value one another as much, if not more, than the social pressure for a heterosexual union.

but anyway, my point is that HI wants to "sleep with the enemy" while also having a relationship with me and i don't think i can do that. it hurts too much and i don't necessarily trust her motives. besides the fact that i am still quite fragile and vulnerable and i only want to have meaningful relationships in my life with people i can trust, who have my best interests in mind as well as their own. to embark on a new relationship with HI feels not only false, but impractical. i just don't have the mental or emotional energy to be part of a half-assed relationship. i will feel like i have to walk on eggshells or avoid even mentioning something that has been the focal point of my life for the past five months. that i'll have to deny or repress what has hurt me so deeply and permanently so as not to put her in an awkward position or make her uncomfortable - well, i just don't think i can do it.

and as far as i'm concerned, there is only ONE SIDE in this matter and it's mine. what J&A did was disrespectful, hurtful, selfish, and wrong. if HI isn't willing to take a side, MY SIDE, in the matter, then she's condoning their behavior and complicit in disrespecting and harming me. and with friends like that - well...

so, i'm going to sit on it for awhile and try to calm down and approach this from a place of peace and good intentions. i don't want to attack or blame or freak out, i just want to convey my feelings honestly and openly and explain why i don't think i can rekindle our friendship after all. it's not because i hate her or don't care about her, but i feel like it's a conflict of interest and i will never fully trust her as long as she supports what they did to me. and i don't think that's a good way to start a relationship. i want only real relationships from here on out. with people who care for me as much as i care for them.

actually, i think that's part of what has made this time so difficult for me: i'd been involved in dozens of half-assed relationships with people i didn't actually trust or feel like they truly cared about me, and it was kind of driving me crazy. it was making me paranoid and bitter and hostile so when J fucked me over, it just all blew up. i felt like i'd been wasting so much time with all of them and it pissed me off that i hadn't expected more. that i didn't feel like i deserved more. well, that's changed. i do feel like i deserve more. i am a great person. i am kind and generous, loyal and loving, respectful and trustworthy. i'm the kind of friend i want to find. i don't want to waste anymore time in half-assed relationships that do nothing to support or encourage or bring out the best in me.

so there we go. i started out wondering what i was going to do about this and now i guess i know. i'm just going to have to tell her honestly that her terms aren't going to work for me. that i understand that she wants to remain friends with them, but that i don't feel good about that and so i'm just going to bow out of the running and leave them all to each other. it's really the only thing i can do if i want to maintain any dignity and sanity. now i just need to figure out how to say it all in a kind and non-judgemental way. ugh.

today's horoscope...


If you want to win a battle don't mount a campaign of pressure, launch a charm offensive. A well-chosen word, whispered seductively in the right ear at the right moment, is more influential than a long speech, delivered at full volume through an enormous loud speaker. You may feel that you shouldn't have to be nice in order to bring about a result that is right. If you care enough about the outcome, though, you will go beyond your sense of annoyance and will simply pursue the most positive, practical route to success.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

bird on the wire - lyrics by leonard cohen

like a bird on the wire,
like a drunk in a midnight choir
i have tried in my way to be free.
like a worm on a hook,
like a knight from some old fashioned book
i have saved all my ribbons for thee

if i, if i have been unkind,
i hope that you can just let it go by
if i, if i have been untrue
i hope you know it was never to you.

like a baby, stillborn,
like a beast with his horn
i have torn everyone who reached out for me
but i swear by this song
and by all that i've done wrong
i will make it all up to thee

i saw a beggar leaning on his wooden crutch,
he said to me, "you must not ask for so much."
and a pretty woman leaning in her darkened door,
she cried to me, "hey, why not ask for more?"

oh like a bird on the wire,
like a drunk in a midnight choir
i have tried in my way to be free

journal entry 221...

i'm really starting to wonder if i should take a break from the internets and get back to paper. because i accomplished all of nothing this weekend due to tv and internet dependence. i really cannot seem to focus on ONE THING and concentrate for more than a couple of minutes. even when i watch a movie i have to be online at the same time. it's getting quite ridiculous. i think i need too give them BOTH up for awhile. until i have a grip again, at least. i just feel like a total moron and loser. i used to READ for fuck's sake. also, my eyes are going crazy and they're always really, really tired from staring at the screen all day.

it is a lot easier to type than to write by hand though. a lot faster anyway. i can get my thoughts down as i'm thinking them a lot easier than with pen and paper. but maybe that's just an excuse. i used to do pen and paper just fine and actually preferred it. mostly i'm just worried about my concentration skills and lack there of. i haven't read ONE BOOK this year. i started that james frey book but when i found out it was fake i put it away and turned on the tv. because i suck.

so. no tv for the rest of the week. can i do it? i've just got to find the right book and as soon as i get sucked in i'll be good as new. here goes nothing.

today's horoscope...


They say, 'You should always strike while the iron is hot.' If, though, you are trying to iron out the wrinkles in a particularly delicate piece of fabric, there's a lot to be said for making your move while the iron is only lukewarm. And you really don't want to strike with it. You just want to brush it, very gently across the surface. If your iron is too hot today, don't strike. Cool it down. Better yet, try rinsing the material of your problem in the cool water of common sense and leaving it to drip-dry in the sunshine of patience.

Monday, February 20, 2006

journal entry 220...

well, i've accomplished just about nothing i'd planned to this weekend. yay me!

i've just been exceptionally lazy the past few weeks and all i wanna do is lie around and watch tv or movies. needless to say, i still haven't cracked a book. however, i still have today off so i'm going to try and cram everything into it: laundry, housecleaning, matinee, poem for friday, ironing, exercise, read. we'll see how many i actually finish.

surprisingly or not, i have been feeling a bit better now that it seems that J & A are over. i still haven't talked to either of them, but just knowing that they're no longer together, that it didn't work out, gives me a sense of comfort. knowing that they aren't on a team against me anymore makes me happy. and the fact that both of them are probably bumming and filled with regret, well, that's just icing. jerks.

still no word from HI but "the breakup" takes the sting away. i said everything i could to her and tried to open a door to healing the rift between us and that's all i can do. if she doesn't want to play, i can't force her. i wish it was different but it is what it is.

i think having ST as a confidante is making it easier too. having her to talk to and laugh with and test out the "single girl life" together makes it a little less frightening. we've got each other and that's cool. in some ways i feel like things are finally starting to get better and that there's hope for me yet. of course, i've been wrong before.

today's horoscope...


You do not suffer fools gladly. It often amazes you how long it can take others to recognise what to you is already obvious, essential and urgent. Sometimes, rather than wait frustratedly for the penny to drop, you can end up deciding that you just don't care... and would rather turn your attention to a matter that requires less explanation and co-operation. This, though, is a luxury you cannot afford to indulge in at the moment. Be as nice and as patient as you can manage to be, things will change sooner than you think.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

journal entry 219...

it's so freakin' cold! the past week has certainly felt like winter. i'd been spoiled but we're getting it now. my fingers are so frozen i can barely type. the steam heater has a mind of its own and seems to think the room is warm enough to shut down, even when it's not! yeeeeee.

i'm putting off jumping in the shower coz i don't want to be freezing when i get out. i can't put it off for too much longer though because i've got to meet BO and XT for XT's bday brunch. i hope it doesn't start raining as i'm walking to the underground. the weatherman said "cold and clearing". brrrr.

i'm glad to have tomorrow off too so i don't have to get bummed out about going back to work tomorrow. i can relax and do laundry and straighten up the house when i get home today and tomorrow i think i'll take myself on a movie date. my boss gave me some movie passes and i still haven't seen "walk the line" so i might as well. i haven't left the house since i got home on friday so i probably should get out more.

still no word from HI. i suppose that really is the end of that then. kind of disappointing, but i'm getting used to disappointment so i'm not really that surprised. i am still glad that i told her the truth even if it did lead to this. it's a relief just to have it off my chest. if she can't deal with it, that's her choice. i can't force her.

oh. i do have something to look forward to: felicity - freshman through senior year on DVD. after my fourth glass of wine last night i decided to log on to amazon and spend a buttload of money i don't have. yay me. i am excited though. it's going to bring back some memories. i used to lay in my bed on whatever night it was on and watch with intense concern. i really loved that show. now if only they'd put ALL of the season of Po5 on DVD my tv cravings would be completely satisfied.

alright. i've put it off long enough. time to freeze my ass off in the shower. brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

today's horoscope...


Your week ahead: Exasperated? Of course you are. Just look at what (and who) you've got to deal with. It's enough to test anyone's patience. Why are the planets putting you in such a compromising position? Perhaps because they want you to look more closely at your own reluctance to compromise. You have very high standards. You hate having to settle for anything less than the best. There is nothing wrong with this - apart from the fact that, sometimes, it prevents you from being realistic. Certain people won't ever change. Certain situations will change, but not in a hurry. This week blesses you with the ability to make the most of whatever you can't yet alter.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

journal entry 218...

that song makes me think of BE so i sent it to him last night. he's in vegas for work and i'm sure he's miserable so i thought he'd appreciate it. i haven't heard from him yet though, so who knows.

i'm watching "the big lebowski" for the billionth time and it's killing me. jeff bridges is a genius.

"strikes and gutters. ups and downs."
"the dude abides."

hate - lyrics by cat power

anyone can tell you there's no more road to ride
everyone will tell you there's no place to hide
there's no laws or rules to unchain your life
but the ones who didn't make it
the ones who couldn't take it
so glad they have made it out alive

everyone loves the fun everyone comes by
in the wind i crunch i want to die
they can give me pills
or let me drink my fill
the heart wants to explode far away
where nobody knows

do you believe she said that
do you believe she said that
i said i hate myself and i want to die

half of it is innocent
the other half is wise
the whole damn thing makes no sense
i wish i could tell you a lie

hey come here
let me whisper in your ear
i hate myself and i want to die

do you believe she said that
can you believe she repeated that
i said i hate me myself and i
i said i hate myself and i want to die

journal entry 217...

so i think J&A broke up.

i had a feeling a couple of weeks ago when he was looking at my old place and then posted that vague thing on his site. when i looked back a few days later i saw that A had commented on it in her own vague way which made me think they were on the skids. but then i thought, well, maybe they're not. who knows? i'm not speaking to either of them and none of our "mutual friends" are even my friends anymore so there was no way of knowing.

but now i think i was right. i just noticed he was looking at my old place again and when i looked at his photo blog, the one of her had been taken down.

so i wonder what that means. i can't say that i'm feeling like the "better person" because at the moment i'm thinking cruel and petty thoughts. that's what you get, bitch. you lost the guy and your friend. i hope you learned your fucking lesson. and i hope she's shedding a load of fucking tears. i'm sure it won't even be a tenth of what i've shed over the whole ordeal, but i really do hope she feels like shit.

surprisingly, or maybe not, i still pretty much hate them both but i do feel like i can breathe a little easier. she tried to replace me and was unable to. and that makes me happy. it proves once and for all that i'm irreplaceable.

and now maybe i can actually let this all go and stop being such a petty little crybaby. or not.

Friday, February 17, 2006

the great event - lyrics by leonard cohen

it’s going to happen very soon
the great event, which will end the horror
which will end the sorrow
next tuesday when the sun goes down
i will play the moonlight sonata backwards
this will reverse the effects of the world’s mad plunge
into suffering, for the last 200 million years
what a lovely night that would be
what a sigh of relief, as the senile robins
become bright red again, and the retired nightingales
pick up their dusty tails, and assert the majesty of creation

journal entry 216...

hmm. i feel kind of happy and hopeful today. what's up with that?

last night ST and i went out for thai food and then went to the pub around the corner and had a few beers and really talked and bonded and connected. we've both been going through personal difficulties and feeling kind of alienated and alone in the world. last night we kind of made a pact to be each other's "wing man" or whatever. that we'd make an effort to start going out together and doing more social and cultural things where we can meet more people. we feel like the only single girls on earth and it's good to have each other for support.

it was really fun hanging out with her. we talked a lot and laughed a lot and set some goals and made some plans and just had an all around happy, pleasant evening. and this morning i feel kind of happy and hopeful even though it's supposed to rain today and i might end up taking the bus instead of walking.

look at me going with the flow and not getting all bummed out about it. it's like last night scratched at the surface and i can see a little bit of "the old me" under there; the happy, hopeful, confident girl who believes good things are possible and that she actually deserves them.

i guess what works is telling someone else all the great things about themselves and everything they have going for them and then thinking, "huh, that all pretty much applies to me too, so if i think things are going to turn around for her and work out just fine, i guess i can think the same thing about my own situation.

maybe that's why shrinks do it.

so that's where i am today. no poem for "friday poetry blogging", but a better attitude than i've had in awhile and a determination to work on some poetry over the weekend. i hope it lasts.

daily affirmation - feb 17th

Surrender to life

A part of us wants life, wants to make the commitment to live, and is willing to trust our intuition and follow it from moment to moment. There is also a part of us that doesn't trust this inclination. "I can't do this, it's too much, too intense. I don't want to surrender." When we distrust this inclination we experience only effort and struggle. When we surrender to life the flow of energy increases, and we feel the passion of being alive.

"I surrender to life."

today's horoscope...


What's real and what's in your imagination? What's a problem and what's just a situation that needs dealing with? What's a timely reminder and what's a dark warning? We can't always tell the difference. We get so caught up in our moods, emotions, reactions and responses that we mistakenly read life's signs and signals according to our wishes and beliefs. Your view of how life ought to be is getting tested and challenged this weekend, but only because there's a much better way to look at your current situation. Apparently you've got a 'problem'. Actually, there's a solution.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

where is my love - lyrics by cat power

where is my love
where is my love
horses galloping
bring him to me

where is my love
where is my love
horses running free
carrying you and me

where is my love
where is my love
safe and warm
so close to me
in my arms

there is my love
there is my love
horses galloping
bring him in to me

where is my love
where is my love

erased - lyrics by annie lennox

i'm gonna put it all behind me
like nothing ever happened between us
nothing ever took place between you and me
nothin' ever happened
and if you see me walkin' down the street
i won't even recognise you
i'll just erase you from my memory
put it all behind me
because you are erased
all erased

you'll be sittin' on someone else's couch
you'll be eatin' off a stranger's plate
everything is gonna get wiped out
like a new start
like a brand new fresh clean slate
well here i go remembering again
all the anger and the blame...
people in glass houses shouldn't throw those stones
but ...something just flew through my window pane

my my my my...(oh mama did it touch you well?)

i'll be in a brand new pair of running shoes
and you'll be walking on down different street
in a brand new suit and a fresh clean shirt
makin' telephone calls
keepin' in time with someone else's feet
keepin' in time with someone else's feet

journal entry 215...

i think another part of the problem is my internet usage.

last night i got home from work and even though i told myself i wouldn't, i turned on the tv while i fed babycat and put away groceries. then i decided it was okay to watch tv if i was watching a movie and not a sitcom, so i watched "grizzly man" but then when it was over i totally watched primetime tv and finally fell asleep around 10:30. ugh.

i don't know what my deal is. i'm just so lazy and unispired i can't even be bothered to pick up a book. i'm just a creature of habit and i've got myself into all of these bad habits that i really need to stop. i feel like a moron half the time because all i read are the internets and magazines and i just veg in front of the tv when i get home from work. it's weird though, like i've got ADD or something. when i'm watching tv or even a movie, i'm on the internets at the same time. i have so little focus or concentration. i think i need to limit my online time as well as my tv time. i need to learn how to focus on one thing at a time and really concentrate.

i used to be so good at it. i just need to be more disciplined and do what i know i should do.

besides that, things are the same. no better, no worse. i'm feeling kind of blah and noncommittal but i guess that's better than being miserable and suicidal. it's a step closer to something positive, i guess.

HI and i were kind of emailing back and forth last week and breaking the ice to try and repair our relationship which was cool, however stressful and painful. i sent her a long email last saturday, explaining my whole situation and why i did what i did and how i felt about it and blah, blah, blah. it was very honest and revealing and i thought, kind and apologetic for whatever suffering i'd caused her. i cried like a baby when i was writing it because it brought every single thing back to the surface.

so anyway, i sent it to her and i haven't heard from her since. i'm not sure why, but i don't regret sending it. now she knows and the truth is out there and if she doesn't want to deal with it or acknowledge me because of it, that's her right. i do feel a lot of relief just for finally letting it all out and if she thinks i'm a freak or a psycho or whatever, so be it. i'm just glad to have it out there. she knows and she can do or not do whatever she wants. i'm not going to contact her again until (if) i hear from her.

that's that. done is done. washing my hands of it.

now i'm going to go to the bookshelf and pick out a book to start so i have no excuse not to read when i get home.

today's horoscope...


What are you yearning for? What would make an enormous difference to your quality of life? Be careful how you answer. While the Sun squares your ruler, your needs and desires are making their presence felt a little too energetically. You feel you need a lot - and that you need it all now. All you really want, though, is to feel happy. That's attainable without some great, complicated plan or pattern. Indeed, the moment you stop trying quite so hard, you'll find a much more rewarding thread to follow.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

journal entry 214...

i'm not sure how i feel today. i think i could go either way.

i've been spending too much time wallowing recently and not enough time planning and prepping and setting goals for my future. i've just been putzing along feeling sorry for myself and acting as if things are somehow just going to suddenly make more sense to me and all the answers will fall into my lap or that i'll just drop dead.

so i guess what i need to do is set some serious goals and start working towards them.

one of my goals was to write at least one poem a week for poetry friday but i haven't been keeping up with it and i've been kind of annoyed with myself over that among other things. i've got a bunch started, i just never seem to finish them. that's the first thing i need to work on as far as goals: finish what i start, i.e. spend more time writing and working on my poetry instead of fucking around. i've fallen back into the tv trap and it's gotta stop.

today i'm going to try and spend some time setting some goals for myself with a reasonable timeline and then figure out what i need to accomplish them. i always feel better when i have something to work towards, especially when i actually accomplish what i set out to do.

i think my new goals will just be a confirmation of my old goals:
1) get in better shape (i.e. lose 15 pounds)
2) read a book a week
3) write a poem a week
4) pay off credit card debt
5) put $500 per month into savings for future home
6) take a grammar refresher class
7) take a conversational spanish class
8) become more involved in community activism again
9) start dating again

i love making lists. i feel like i should add "milk, butter, eggs" to that one just for good measure.

but anyway, i think i'm deciding to make an effort to be happier. i have the number to call for a therapist, all i need to do is call it. i've been procrastinating, but i am going to call and see what's up this weekend. maybe. or monday. i just need to do it and i will. maybe i'll add it to my list of goals and that'll be an easy one to accomplish and cross off.

i just need to remember that these are all things i'm doing for me. i shouldn't look at them as chores or tasks, but as things that will make me happier and more complete. tv is a brain drain and i can really feel that i'm suffering from it. it keeps me from reading and writing and it does very little to improve my situation.

blah, blah, blah. now my mind is wandering because i'm starting to bore myself. time to put in my contacts and do my morning stretches.

today: no tv.

we'll see how that goes.

daily affirmation - feb 15th

We can have everything

As long as we focus only on the outer world, there will always be an empty, hungry, lost place inside us that needs to be filled. When we keep our focus on the universe inside, we can have everything external - money, success, and fulfilling relationships, as well as that incredible connection inside ourselves.

"I am receiving everything I need from the source within me."

today's horoscope...


Cars need roads, trains need tracks and even planes require strictly agreed flight paths. Some vehicles offer more flexibility but all require a route, a destination and a steady hand at the helm. Mars, as it passes through your second solar house, is inviting you to do something worthy, wise and perhaps just a little too obvious for your liking. As an Aries, you don't just like to watch the passing scenery, you want to explore it. There are times when this may be appropriate, but right now, the challenge is simply to stay on target.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

journal entry 213...

that has to be the cheesiest affirmation yet, but i had to post it anyway because isn't cheese what valentine's day is all about anyway? cheese and chocolate. and feeling like a piece of shit if there's no one around to validate your "lovability".

i had a lot of hectic dreams last night: swimming in the ocean, getting a makeover, moving, cleaning, telling A how not to fuck over another friend and then destroying the flowers J (who turned into M) sent her for her birthday, etc.

it's weird how you can think you're doing okay and be all, "i'm cool with this. i've accepted it. i'm moving on." and really not think about it or obsess, but as soon as you're asleep the truth comes out and you're crying or hating or raging in spite of yourself. overall, i did get a good night's sleep though. the crazies were back in their caves apparently. in fact, it was so quiet that i woke up because i could hear my clock ticking. that never happens. in fact, i didn't even know the clock did tick because i've never even heard it in the two years i've had it, until last night. eerily quiet.

i'm never satisfied, huh? i'm either disturbed by the noise or distubed by the peace. woe is me.

anyway, i actually think i feel fine today. even though it is valentine's day and i could feel like shit, i basically feel nothing. numb. bored. apathetic. it's just another day to me and i've never been really big on it so this one is no different. it would be nice to have a lover though. not just for today, but for awhile, to have someone know me and understand me and love me anyway. i would like to love and be loved again. someone to laugh and have inside jokes with. a writer.

so that's where i am today. not as bummed or depressed as i could be or thought i'd be. just another day like so many others.

daily affirmation - feb 14th

Falling in love with ourselves

When we fall in love with someone, we are also falling in love with aspects of ourselves that we see reflected in that person. We may feel that our loved one has qualities that we don't have, but those qualities exist in us too and are as yet undiscovered or undeveloped.

Today, think of each person you love and imagine him or her as a mirror, reflecting your own beauty and lovability. The more you can love yourself through these reflections, the more you can truly love and appreciate others.

"I am falling in love with myself."

today's horoscope...


'Love one another but make not a bond of love; let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.' These lines, from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, reflect the shifting tides of change that are now crashing on to the shoreline of your life. Something that once seemed very near is now far away. Meanwhile, something else that once seemed distant and unlikely has begun to come surprisingly close. Things are not, today, as they will be forever. Nor are they quite as you expected them to be. But in their fluidity there is great and real hope.

Monday, February 13, 2006

journal entry 212...

is it a full moon or something? coz i swear, the freaks were out in droves last night and i don't think they went to bed until about half an hour ago. it was the worst night's sleep i've had since i can't remember when. yelling and screaming and generally obnoxious behavior all night long. needless to say, i am exhausted again. the short bursts of sleep i did get were spent dreaming about how i wasn't getting any sleep and was going to be wiped out today. ugh. such the little pessimist.

i feel kind of nauseas from lack of sleep. it's the same feeling i'd have when i closed the night before and opening shift and didn't get any sleep. weird how that works.

but anyway. i'm out of sorts and crabby and feeling ill so i'm going to jump in the shower and see if that'll help me feel better. and hopefully tonight will be quieter and i can get caught up on my sleep again.

daily affirmation - feb 13th

Rainbow colors of life

There are no such things as negative or positive feelings. We make them negative or positive by our rejection or acceptance of them. All feelings are part of the wonderful, ever-changing sensation of being alive. If we love all the different feelings, they become so many rainbow colors of life.

"All my feelings are a natural expression of life."

today's horoscope...


It has stopped falling apart. Now it is starting to come back together. It is no longer going wrong. Now it is going right again. You need no longer feel anxious or insecure. Even if you have yet to see clear proof of the change, it will arrive before the week is through. You have been obliged to take a good close look at an awkward situation. This has put you through an intense, exhausting process but it has helped to ensure that, you now know everything you need to know in order to fix it.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

journal entry 211...

well, that's better. half a pound of hershey's kisses and a pitcher of mimosas and things suddenly start looking much brighter.

journal entry 210...

really now. this is getting tiresome.

maybe it's a chemical imbalance or something that keeps me this unhappy. this melancholy and hopeless. i swear i didn't use to be like this. i used to be a strong, happy, courageous woman. i used to be fun and funny and determined. now i'm all whiny and weepy and boring all the time.

i really am going to call someone and make an appointment and maybe they'll give me some happy pills and fix me right up. of course, that would be too simple so obviously it's impossible.

for now: chocolate.

daily affirmation - feb 12th

Experiencing our feelings

When we have supressed and closed off our feelings, we cannot contact the universe within us. We cannot hear our intuitive voice and we certainly can't enjoy being alive. When we are willing to fully experiencce a particular feeling such as fear, anger, loneliness, or confusion and embrace that emotion without judgement, the blocked energy releases quickly and the feeling dissolves, allowing us to feel more peaceful and open.

"I accept and experience all my feelings."

today's horoscope...


Your week ahead: Would you like to feel more secure? Are you tired of hurrying, scurrying and worrying? Are you wondering if all your recent hard work will ever pay off? It could all start to happen, sooner than you think. Mars has been passing through a sensitive part of your chart for many weeks. As it now reaches the end of its journey, it is tying up the very same loose ends that it has been unravelling. It has been trying to draw your attention to all that is unreliable or precarious in your world. Having now shown you the problem, it now intends to show you the solution. It is about to reveal itself in inspiring detail - and with delightful clarity.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

randomness ninety-seven...

i just wish that either i was dead or that being alive didn't suck so much.

i have lost my dreams - lyrics by dar williams

stopped pretending
happy ending
everything i ever wanted stands in front of me

i have lost my dreams
i have lost my dreams

now they say i told the truth
life beyond the burden of proof
paper thin blue skies and windless fields

i have lost my dreams
i have lost my dreams

traffic crawling
life is moving
up through stately trees into their green leaves

find a new dream
find a new dream
i have lost my dreams
i have lost my dreams

journal entry 209...

i've got a ton of stuff to do today. i made a list so i wouldn't forget anything and now i'm kind of overwhelmed.

i slept in, which was nice. i wanted to sleep longer but i have so much to do i started feeling guilty. so now i'm up, starting my day.

i was sad to see the last of "arrested development" last night. i hope it's not really over. they left it so it could go either way so i've got my fingers crossed that another network is going to pick it up. i guess since it's over for now anyway, season 3 will be on dvd soon so that's something. fox sucks though. they didn't even promote the last four episodes or tell us that they'd be on on friday when the show is usually on on mondays. no wonder no one ever watched. who even knew when to tune in? it's sad coz that really was the best show on tv.

i fell asleep after the last episode and had some fun dreams. in one, i was on the verge of getting back together with J but jon stewart was at this party or something where we were and he came up and started talking to me. we were flirting and then it turned out that we were in love and i told J i couldn't be with him because jon stewart and i were getting married. jon stewart was really happy and sweet and madly in love with me. he just kept saying over and over again how wonderful and amazing i was and how happy i'd made him and how lonely he'd been before me. i was really happy and in love with him too and i was relieved we'd found each other before J and i got back together.

it was a very timely dream as i've been wondering lately if our breaking up wasn't a mistake and maybe he really was "the one" and i should've worked harder to keep it together. worrying that i'll never find anyone to love ever again. to love and care for me. it's a depressing thought that makes me anxious and scared and i start thinking stupid stuff like i should have stayed with J. which is moronic because i wasn't happy with him and if there is a "the one" for people, i don't think he was mine. i certainly hope he wasn't. because as much as i obsess and romanticize our relationship now, at the time i was totally dissatisfied and unfulfilled, but resigned to the fact that i was stuck with him and he with me. there were good parts to our relationship, but it wasn't everything i hope to have.

that said, if he hadn't called me fat, we'd still be together. one little word and it was over. and i was hurt, hurt, hurt beyond belief, but i was relieved to finally have a good reason to end the relationship. i hadn't been attracted to him in years either. but i did love him. we both loved each other. that's what i thought, anyway, until he started fucking A.

but anyway. jon stewart and i were happy and in love and it was awesome and it felt right. it felt like it never felt with J and made me hopeful that i might actually find that feeling with someone. that it is possible to find love. to find someone who thinks i'm lovely and amazing. someone i can trust.

i had another dream last night that didn't involve jon stewart, but was equally interesting and happy making.

i dreamt that HI and i and several other girls we knew were going to a party. we were trying to fill our water bottles with booze so we could save money on liquor at the party. we were all laughing and having the best time getting ready and we were piling into the car when i looked up at the moon, which was enormous and beautiful. i had never seen such a giant full moon. it was really low in the sky and golden, like the moon in "e.t." when elliott and e.t. fly their bike in front of it. it looked like i could reach up and touch it. i ran back inside to grab my camera but when i came back out it had moved behind some trees. i kept chasing it, trying to capture the beauty but i couldn't. i had to be satisfied just enjoying the beauty of the moment because i knew it wasn't going to last and i didn't want to miss seeing it because i was busy trying to take a picture that would never do it justice anyway.

it was a cool dream and even though i couldn't get a picture of the moon. i was happy and content anyway, and felt like things couldn't be more perfect than they were right then.

lots of joy and success in my dreams. i guess i should be grateful there's joy and success in some aspect of my life, even if it is only when i'm asleep.

i looked up what the moon means and the book says a full moon is "a symbol of serenity or hope in dark times". i'm good with that.

today's horoscope...


Your Weekend: The pressure is off - at last. This, I recognise, is a bit like saying that an elephant is no longer standing on your toe. You're not being crushed any more but you're still likely walk with a limp for a while. At least, though, you can now inspect the damage and you should find, when you do, that you have been lucky and it's only bruised, not broken. By comparison, this weekend, the woodpecker that's still knocking its beak on your head will seem minor by comparison. Indeed, now your toe is free, you may even be able to jump about and shake it off.

Friday, February 10, 2006

journal entry 208...

i need a new life. a different one. this one isn't working out right. i've made a few wrong turns along the way and i'm totally disappointed with where i ended up.

i'd like something different. blue skies, golden hills, friends i could trust, love, romance, hope, dignity.

friends i can trust.

dream with the fishes...

i really wish i knew where to find some acid. i think some of the funnest times i ever had were spent tripping, and wondering if i'd ever come down. everytime i'd put the little white tab on my tongue i'd give myself over, resigned the the fact that i might never come back. and i was okay with that. every trip was worth it, and i always did come back.

i read somewhere that there is no such thing as LSD anymore. the "war on drugs" totally wiped it out. there is nowhere left to find it. and that makes me kind of sad.

i'm glad i was a curious kid when it was still available. and i'm glad i had the nerve to try it. i wish i'd done more of it or saved some for later. like now.

one thing in my life i've never regretted is trying lots of different drugs. i've regretted loving people lots of times though.

the world's not falling apart - lyrics by dar williams

welcome to the golden age of speed with grace,
waiting for the angry gods to smite our race
i logged on to africa for just one day,
i opened a door and that's okay
it's not an end, it's just a start,
not an end, it's just a start

an the world's not falling apart,
the world's not falling apart,
because of me

i have watched the kids who make their scenes
i have met the riot grrls who print their zines
they write the word, they raise a thought
they say who they are, they try what they're not
because life is such a changing art,
life is such a changing art.

and the world's not falling apart,
the world's not falling apart,
because of me

the closest thing to god that I have heard,
is when i knew i did not have the final word
you say the world has lost its love;
i say embrace what it's made of
i'll snake a camera to your heart,
snake a camera to your heart

the world's not falling apart,
the world's not falling apart,
because of me

journal entry 207...

i'm so glad it's friday. i can't wait to sleep in tomorrow and just chill out a bit. i've been so wound up and on the verge all week that i need a full day to myself to just relax and decompress.

my eyes are swollen and sensitive from crying so much. they kind of burn and i just want to close and rest them forever.

but anyway. HI responded to my email and although it wasn't overly sweet, it was kind enough and opened the door for further communication. i apologized for hurting her and basically shouldered the brunt of the blame for what's happened between us, but it's what i do. i always say i'm sorry and take responsibility for everything just because i like peace. i want things smoothed out. i still intend to write her a letter or email or whatever and explain my side of the story and i hope that she will accept responsibility for her part in this as well. i would like to hear her say she's sorry for letting me down. for not being there for me when i needed her. for not caring at all about what might have happened to me because she was so caught up in her own selfishness. i would like to hear that, but i don't know if i will.

i don't really have high expectations for all of this, but i guess if there is peace between us and i don't have to fear running into her somewhere, that's half of the battle and worth something anyway.

i'm just so, so tired. it's been the most exhausting year of my life. i just want to sleep and sleep and sleep forever. i'd be so happy to just be happy again.

today's horoscope...


Life cannot be continually chaotic. Nor can it be perpetually predictable. In order to take us by surprise, it has to give us, for a while, an experience in which there are no surprises. Then, in order to make sure that we are surprised, it has to make sure that we remember how it feels to be stable. Thus, it turns up the heat and turns it back down again at periodic intervals. You have now had more than enough of a roller-coaster ride. You need and deserve a smooth, quiet glide on the monorail. And here it comes.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

wish the world away - lyrics by american music club

i don't need anyone's love
i couldn't afford it anyway
with my penny's worth of hope
it's not funny but it's a joke
and i got a good one for the collection agency
it's a wish
that i could wish the world away

don't watch tv it's all lies
i watch tv day and night
i believe everything i see
and i can't turn it off
the only thing that held me together in the good old day
was a wish
that i could wish the world away
where's the message in the bottles
where's the miracle in the pills
where's the nurse with that needle
where's all of my free will
count down backwards from ten and everything's okay
you can wish the world away

journal entry 206...

i'm so exhausted.

i can't seem to fall asleep straight away because my mind is racing and i'm all anxious and worried and then when i finally do fall asleep it's only a few hours until i have to wake up again.

and then i wake up and start the whole stressful cycle over again.

i tried to bail on my dinner date with OD last night, but he never got my email so he showed up anyway and i pretended i never sent the email and was totally expecting him. fortunately, i was able to pull myself together and not look or act like such a wreck when he was around. when he finally checks his email he'll probably be surprised. sometimes i can be a really good actress and fake like everything's fine and people believe me. sometimes i wonder if that's such a good thing.

my horoscope is somewhat comforting. if it's to be believed, then the worst is behind me and i'll be able to breathe again soon. that is certainly some welcome news.

sometimes i feel like i should just move somewhere new and start over. living in such a small city with the potential to run into people i can't emotionally handle running into keeps me on edge a lot. there's always this scared part of me that doesn't know what i'll do or say if i see one of them. and i'm such a mess right now that i'd really not like to give any of them a chance to see me and ridicule me, however silently.

but i really love the city and the idea of living anywhere else makes me kind of sad too. either way, i'm sad, so what are you gonna do? i guess i'll just keep doing nothing and hope these feelings of strangeness pass and that i don't run into any of them until i'm strong enough to handle it.

once, when i went to walgreens to get snacks for "brokeback mountain", i almost ran right into KR but as usual, she was so self-absorbed and preoccupied that she didn't even notice me. it was quite a relief because she is actually one of the people i'd LEAST like to run into. it's kind of sad. there was a time, not that many years ago, when she was the best friend i'd ever had. that changed slowly, over several years, and i haven't felt close to her or like she's known me in forever.

i just don't feel like i like i can trust anyone. i'm trying not to lose myself; to not become as bitter and hard as i feel like i need to be in order to survive this. i want to keep some of my innocence and faith and hope but i don't even know if there's any left in me to hold onto. sometimes i don't even recognize myself anymore or what i'm doing or what i want. it's like i'm just plodding along like a robot just doing what i do while i wait for my battery to give out.

i need to set some goals. i always feel happier when i'm doing something, or working towards some kind of achievement. the only thing is that when i feel this low i don't see anything worth working towards.

oh fuck it. it's supposed to be warm and beautiful today and i'm going to walk to work and just try not to dwell on all of this. yesterday as i was walking i thought, "maybe i just need to go to the shrink and they'll put me on some kind of meds that will dull the sharp edges a bit and make things seem more managable and worthwhile." and then i thought, "but no fucking way am i gonna take them if they're gonna make me fat." and then i was totally ashamed of myself for being such a shallow idiot. it's no wonder my life is such a fucking mess right now. if drugs will make me fat and happy, i'll take them, because it's not like the alternative is even bearable.

whatever. i'm rambling now so i should just stop. i'll get through this. i have to.

today's horoscope...


The intense alignment between Mars and Pluto is culminating now. Your week, therefore, is not due to get any more stressful. This, though, is a bit like telling a mountaineer that they don't have to do any more climbing. Up at the peak, it's cold and windy. A tricky descent still awaits. Your drama is far from over. Still, though, whether you know it or not yet, you have achieved something impressive. You will start to see the result soon, and it will become clear that you no longer have to work, or worry, quite as hard.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

journal entry 205...

oh god.

it's just been a fecking weep fest over here. i went through an entire box of kleenex. at work. it's a good fucking thing i cry silently or else i'd probably be fired or committed by now.

HI sent me an email and i lost it. (my marbles, that is, not the email.)

it wasn't nice or mean or anything, really. she was just checking in to see what my schedule was like so we could get together and it just made me all weepy and anxious and worried and upset and i cried and cried and cried and then i wrote an email that started out okay and ended up insane and emotional while making no mention whatever of what's happened between us. i basically just had a general meltdown over nothing specific and everything in particular and the fact that i am a weepy mess and can't seem to deal with my emotions over all of this and that i revealed that fact and now i'm worried that i've alarmed her or worse, that she's going to run back and tell everybody and they'll all laugh and say it couldn't have happened to a nicer person and i'll still be this blubbering fool only now they'll all know about it.

why do i always say to much? why can't i ever play it cool? i don't even know what my point was. do i want sympathy? understanding? forgiveness? concern? or did i just want to scare her away so i never have to face or deal with any of this bullshit anymore? it's like i want her to reject me and say i'm just too much and finally prove that no one ever really cared about me and that i truly can't trust anyone. ever.

i swear, sometimes i think the only thing keeping me from killing myself is the lack of access to self-killing devices. and my mentee. i have to hold my shit together for her. i have to be a good influence and prove that difficulties and heartache can be overcome. i have to make believers of us both.

but it's just so fucking hard to believe.

journal entry 204...

i've always been an optimist up to now. i thought i was a pessimist, but really i was hopeful. even when things were going poorly, i always expected them to get better and i'd look forward to that time, knowing that it would come.

i used to be forgiving and loving and hopeful. i'd throw all caution to the wind and risk everything because i truly believed that everything would be fine. that everything would work out okay in the end.

i used to trust and hope and believe, but i don't anymore and i'm afraid i never will again.

it's the loneliest feeling in the world. and it never occurred to me that i would ever reach this point.

journal entry 203...

i'm feeling a bit out of sorts and anxious today. and i hate it. recognizing the feeling makes me even more axious and out of sorts because i can't make it go away.

there are things that i need to do that i really don't want to do so i'm trying to figure out ways to ignore them or postpone them or forget about them altogether. nothing seems to work though. i know i'm going to have to face them at some point and it bums me out and give me a stomach ache.

i'm just really, really confused these days. i feel like i'm in this weird holding pattern and that as much as i want out, i can't seem to figure out what my next move should be so i just sit here. or i do little things and then immediately regret them and wish i had just not done anything.

so full of fear and regret these days. and anxious that i'm going to do something to fuck things up further, or worse - actually doing something that i feel fucks things up further. it's like i'm paralyzed with fear and anxiety. i should probably get on the ball and make a therapy appointment because i think i could really use an impartial third-party to talk to and help me sort through some of this muck and get rid of what's not working so i can move on and move forward.

i have come to this point due to a series of culminating events ending with J telling me he was dating A and me turning my back and slamming the door on everything that had been my life up to then. now it's like i'm in this dark alley and i have to feel my way along uncertainly to try and figure out what i'm doing, where i'm going. there is no light to guide me nor any familiar voices calling out to me. i am alone and scared and confused. and i hate it. and it's like a circle. i keep doing things i wish i hadn't or not doing anything at all and it's like 2 steps forward, 3 steps back on this whole arduous journey. i just wonder when i will make significant progress and be able to see all of this far behind me instead of lurking just over my shoulder.

so with that - deep, cleansing breath in, relaxing, forgiving breath out. mistakes were made. i will learn from them and move on. just keep going. plod on through it, no matter how many steps it takes.

daily affirmation - feb 8th

Just be yourself

It isn't necessary to be perfect to be a channel for the universe. You just have to be real. Be yourself. The more honest and spontaneous you are, the more freely the creative force can flow through you. As it does, it cleans out remnants of old blockages. The more you are true to yourself, the clearer your channel gets.

"Today I am honest, spontaneous, and true to myself."

today's horoscope...


Agitation isn't always a bad thing. Washing machines make good use of it in order to get our clothes clean. Political campaigners, too, know that if you want something to change, you have to agitate for it. It is, though, one thing to agitate and another to get agitated. By all means continue to push for your desired result, but don't make yourself uncomfortable in the process. If you take your cause for concern too seriously, you will lose your ability to communicate clearly with someone whose understanding you sorely need.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

journal entry 202...

i don't know, maybe it's just stress.

i've been feeling kind of nervous and worried about reconciling with HI. i feel like she thinks it's going to be all about me apologizing and taking the blame and the responsibilty for everything that's happened, but i don't feel like it's all my fault. i was the one who ended the friendship, but the reason i ended it was because i felt lied to and belittled and hurt by a lot of the things she had done leading up to my exodus from that whole circle. my heart was broken by her actions towards me as well as those of other people. when i was at my very lowest point, she never reached out to me, she only reached out to reprimand me and hurt me further. time has passed since then and it doesn't sting as much, but i do still remember the things that hurt me and i don't feel like it's all my fault. she bears a lot of the responsibility for the disolution of our relationship.

i'm thinking of writing her a letter before we actually meet so that i can put some of my thoughts and feelings and reasons for my actions down on paper and lay the ground work for our conversation. it's been so long and so much water under the bridge, i feel like there's the potential to either let it all go as "bygones" without resolving any of the issues that led to the conflict, or the reverse - bringing up every little slight and insult and hurt and opening old wounds and playing the "blame game". it won't solve anything and will only contribute to deeper feelings of pain and resentment.

so there's that. i'm thinking i'll write my letter this weekend when i have time to really focus and work through it all diplomatically. i want to tell the truth, but i want to be fair and open, to open a door for communication rather than slam it shut.

i just really hate confrontations and dealing with conflict. when i turned my back on her and all the rest of them, i felt like #1, i had to for my own sanity. i didn't feel like i could trust her and i didn't feel respected, and #2 i was feeling really fatalistic and "wishing i was deadish" and i thought that i wasn't going to live through it anyway so there wasn't a future to worry about. i didn't expect to make it this far so i never thought i'd see her again anyway. i made some unhealthy choices because i wasn't healthy, and because i didn't intend to live to see the consequences.

ugh. and now i'm trying to decide what's worth salvaging and what's too much trouble. it's a fine line and i'm still not exactly sure.

but anyway, that's what i'm going through now and i'm feeling conflicted and confused and scared and all of the other emotions that go with this kind of thing. it never seems to get any easier. you'd think i'd get better at it with age, but i never seem to. at least it's supposed to be a warm, sunny day, so that's something.

daily affirmation - feb 7th

Practice listening

It takes practice to hear and trust your intuition. The more you do it, the easier it will become. Eventually you will be in touch with your intuitive feelings much more of the time. Ask yourself questions. Know that the wise being within you, an incredible source of power and strength, is available to answer your questions and guide you. As you grow more sensitive to this guidance from the intuitive feelings from within, you will gain a sense of knowing what you need to do in any situation.

"I trust my inner knowing in all situations."

today's horoscope...


However you do it, you are going to end up wishing you had done it differently. That won't be because you've done it wrong, it will be because something is now making you feel edgy and uncomfortable. You know how some chairs are easy to sit in, and others feel wrong, no matter how you shuffle yourself around? Well, something in your life just isn't sitting right at the moment, and it may not be anyone's fault. Try not to worry or to take any source of irritation too seriously. Whatever seems like the best thing to do... IS the best thing to do.

Monday, February 06, 2006

journal entry 201...

i'm still feeling a bit under the weather. a little lingering of ye olde "after the booze blues". just feeling kind of lost and lonely and missing some of the people i'd rather not worry about right now. it seems that there's nothing i enjoy more than beating a dead horse.

ugh. obsessing over J&A again and i'm not even really sure why. nothing better to do, perhaps? obviously there is, but it's just easier to feel sorry for myself, i suppose.

the weather is supposed to be nice this week so i can walk to and from work everyday and sort myself out. my routine was messed up last week due to rain, but this week i'll be able to gather my thoughts and cheer myself up while burning some calories. i've still got 15 pounds to go, but i'm pretty sure i can do it.

i feel like such a crybaby today. all i want to do is whine and mope and feel sorry for myself, but i've had plenty of experience with that and it never seems to make anything better. i need to redirect my energy to something hopeful and uplifting. i think i'm going to meet my mentee this week. there are good things going on in my life, i just need to pay attention to them.

sigh. mopey me is boring. i'll try to write again later, when i'm feeling better.

today's horoscope...


You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs. If, though, you really feel determined to keep those eggs in one piece, you can always cook something else instead. This week, though, you are dealing with a trayful of eggs that are already broken. You may as well use them up. There's no point in wishing that a certain situation had never come about. It has done - and the only way to improve it is to accept something that can't now be altered and then do your best to see what you can make of it.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

journal entry 200...

it was nice to see BE last night. we had a good time, but i still can't manage to hold my liquor. i should probably just give it up all together because i always feel like shit the next day. i used to be so good at it, but now i feel tired and headachy and all the rest. apparently i am not on the road to aging gracefully.

i feel rather shitty and i still have to do laundry. ugh.

today's horoscope...


Your week ahead: You are going to upset someone, no matter what you do. There is no easy answer, no one-size-fits-all solution. Your needs include a degree of harmony and happiness, but they also include a sense of self-respect - plus a clear plan for the future that you can work with and stick to. Mars and Saturn insist that a constructive decision can and will be made. Mars and Pluto, though, suggest that, no matter how constructive this decision is, something will seem wrong about it. You are dealing with a difficult, delicate issue. You must be sensitive but you must also be sensible. You haven't got time to wait for a miracle to happen. You will have to create your own.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

happy birthday to me (feb. 15th) - lyrics by bright eyes

all eyes on the calendar
another year i claim of total indifference
to here, the days pile up
with decisions to be made
i'm sure all of them were wrong
into this song, i send myself
and with these drinks i plan to collapse and forget
this wasted year
these wasted years
devoted friends, they disappear
i'm sorry about the phone call and needing you
some decisions you don't make
i guess it's just like breathing and not wanting to
there are some things that you can't fake

well, i guess that it is typical
to cling to memories you'll never get back again
and to sort through old photographs of a summer long ago
or a friend that you used to know
and there, below his frozen face
you wrote the name and that ancient date
and you can't believe that he's really gone
when all that's left is a fucking song
i'm sorry about the phone call and waking you
i know that it is late
but thank you for talking because i needed to
some things just can't wait
yeah, some things just can't wait...

journal entry 199...

ugh. i have a little bit of a headache this morning. that's what i get for polishing off a whole bottle of wine by myself. i seem to be turning into a lightweight or something. actually, maybe that does have something to do with it. i'm only ten pounds from my goal weight which is 30 pounds from where i was when i could drink like a fish and wake up feeling fine.

tonight i'm going to pigout on chicken potpie and blueberry cobbler though so i can drink to my heart's content.

BE is coming over around 4 or 5 so i have to get my shit together and clean up the house and bake the cobbler and clean babycat's litterbox and blah, blah, blah.

i'm not going to be sad today. even though i am missing J, i'm just going to think of other things and when BE comes over i'll forget all about it, for a little while at least.

and maybe a few advil wouldn't hurt anything either.

Friday, February 03, 2006

in other's words fifteen...

"We are made strong by what we overcome." - John Burroughs

friday poetry blogging - nothing edition/journal entry 198...

i didn't write a poem this week. i was busy and preoccupied and i intended to write one today, or tonight at least, but i was all happy/sad/happy/sad/happy/happy/sad/sad/confused/uncertain/etc.

i couldn't make up my mind how i wanted to be or what i felt so i just remained kind of lonesome and disappointed. nostalgic for old times (olde thymes) when J and i were still happy together. in love. (i hate him.) i read through his archives and it made me really sad. sometimes i'm just a glutton for punishment.

A's birthday is on sunday and i just saw that J looked at my old place after he posted some cryptic message on his blog. i know i said i was going to stop looking at it but apparently i lied or something.

anyway, i looked at his blog and it said something weird and it's A's birthday weekend and he was looking at my old place during primetime on a friday night.

i am a horrible, horrible person because right now i'm hoping that he broke up with her and ruined her birthday and that he's sitting home alone realizing that he sucks and she's off somewhere crying in a corner.

but the not horrible side of me doesn't really wish any of that at all. i can't seem to make up my mind which side i'm going to be. whichever side it is didn't bother to write a poem this week. and those sides totally sucks.

journal entry 197...

i'm so glad it's friday. i did NOT want to get out of bed this morning. at least tomorrow i can sleep in a little bit.

BE is coming over for dinner and a movie tomorrow. we're supposed to watch the wal-mart documentary but it still hasn't arrived. it was supposed to be here on wednesday so i don't know where the hell it is. netflix always works except when it doesn't, i guess. if it doesn't arrive by tomorrow i suppose we'll just watch something i already own coz i don't think he'll want to watch the "chick flicks" that are due to arrive today.

i went out for drinks with ST last night and it was really nice. i was able to vent and complain and feel sorry for myself and she agreed with me and validated me and just generally made me feel okay about myself and my feelings towards A. i feel guilty sometimes because i feel like i'm being anti-feminist for hating her so much over a guy, but ST was like, "SHE's the one who's anti-feminist for going after your ex in the first place. it's common knowledge (and not just among feminists) that you just don't do that. exes are off limits. PERIOD." and i was like, "fuck yeah! thank you!" so it was good. and i didn't cry once. SHE gives me faith in the sisterhood. where i've lost some of my spunk and "grrl power" attitude, ST helps revive it. not all women are backstabbing whores who'll fuck each other over for a guy. some of us are true blue, always on your side, SISTERS!

ST is a good friend and i'm really glad to have her in my life. she's a good listener and gives good advice. i hope she feels the same about me. we're part of the mutual admiration society and it's cool. it makes me feel happy and safe and those are certainly feelings i'm glad to have more of.

so, things are starting to feel better to me and i've started taking small steps to put myself back out there and start socializing and getting back into life again. i'm strong and resilient and i'm going to be fine. better than fine. this experience hurt me more deeply than any other i can remember, but it's made me stronger too. i fucking survived it. i faced my darkest hour and fortunately i was too drunk at the time to actually slit my wrists so i made it through. yay me.

daily affirmation - feb 3rd

Distinguishing intuition

Your intuition is always 100% correct, but it takes time to hear it correctly. If you are willing to risk acting on what you believe to be true and risk making mistakes, you will learn very fast by paying attention to what works and what doesn't work. The first step is to pay more attention to what you feel inside, to the dialogue that goes on within you. Through practice you will be able to distinguish your intuitive voice from other thoughts and voices.

"I am hearing my intuition more clearly every day."

today's horoscope...


"Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur." All week we have been drawing on the wisdom of the ancients. Before I interpret today's quotation, let's examine your outlook. Mercury, the communication planet, is forming a right angle to your ruler. Such alignments often give rise to misunderstanding. They cloud our judgement. Watch out, this weekend, for a tendency to read far too much meaning into something trivial or irrelevant. Now let's translate that opening sentence. It simply means, if you want to sound deep, speak in Latin!

Thursday, February 02, 2006

journal entry 196...

last night i dreamt that i was taking a bubble bath in a very large tub. i was supposed to be getting ready for a party but it was a new house and i had just realized how large and deep the tub. it had also already been filled with bath salts and bubbles so i just stripped out of my clothes and got in. then i noticed that TO was already in there taking a bath too. she had been hidden in the bubbles. at first i was uncomfortable but the water was so soothing and warm and the tub was big enough that TO and i weren't touching so i decided to stay in anyway. she had a washcloth over her face and mumbled through it that it was fine with her if i stayed.

it was the most pleasant, comforting bath i can ever remember taking. and i just soaked and relaxed in it until my alarm clock woke me up. that's how relaxed i was: my ALARM CLOCK woke ME up. i always wake up first, but not this time! if only i had a tub like that in real life.

i am hopeful about HI and i being able to repair our lost friendship. i am scared too, though. it's going to bring up a lot of painful memories and hurt feelings and it's going to be difficult to go through them all over again. and i'm still quite fragile and emotional and tend to get choked up over any little thing so who knows what kind of mess i'll be when we're confronting everything. and i feel so vulnerable and pathetic when i cry in front of other people. like some blubbering fool who can't hold her shit together.

and there are other things that are going to make this a complicated relationship. there are other people in her circle that i used to be friends with but no longer am nor do i want to be. there are some people from that group that i haven't missed at all, and in fact have felt better without them. but once HI and i start mending our fences and trying to put our relationship back together, those people are going to be part of my life again and i don't want that. i'm not sure how to let her back in and still be able to keep the others out.

ugh. why does everything have to be so complicated? or why do i have to complicate everything?

we're not going to get together for another week of two so i have time to gather my thoughts and sort some things out in my head first. i want to be ready, prepared. if we are going to recover our friendship, it is going to have to be different than it was. i have to be more open and honest in my communication and more receptive as well. i need to say when i'm feeling hurt or used or disappointed. i'm not always going to hear what i want, but doesn't mean i should toss the whole thing and run away. relationships aren't easy, even friendships. they are hard work but they are rewarding too. it's a matter of balance. letting go of the ones that are more work than reward and cultivating the ones that are more reward than work. or the ones where the reward is worth all the work no matter how difficult.

and the fact that she reached out to me goes a long way towards starting off on the right foot. to know that she has missed me and thought of me and that she hasn't been able to replace me. that none of the others have been able to mask my absence. she misses me and she wants me in her life too. and all this time i was thinking she couldn't care less. that she had all the others so she had no need for me and that i had no one. i'm starting to have more "someones" than i ever expected. my circle is growing again, but this time i'm going to make the right choices, to only let the right people back in, the ones who truly care for me.

yes, i will figure this out and this will make me a stronger, better person. perhaps the fact that i am so much more tender and vulnerable than i was will also help with the mending. i've always been the strong one, the one who knows the answers and tells everyone how to fix everything and just push through it. maybe this new, fragile side of me will show her that i too am human and that i don't have all the answers no matter what i might pretend. and maybe this fragile side of me will see that she is human too and vulnerable and we'll both be gentle with one another and we'll hold each other's hearts carefully as we navigate through the wreckage and try to rebuild.

today's horoscope...


'Non est ad astra mollis e terris via.' This old Latin saying means, 'There is no easy way from the earth to the stars'. For the Romans, of course, that was quite true. They had a pretty good army, but their space programme wasn't up to much. So, what about the wisdom of this old adage? Has it stood the test of time or are things different today? Well, they may not be different for everyone, but they are for you. You are about to find a surprisingly easy way to attain a very high aspiration.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

journal entry 195...

one thing i've learned is that i have a tendency to over react and burn all my bridges and consider it the end of the world and worry myself with what i'll do now that everything has crumbled around me and i have to start all over again. things are always black and white for me. you are right or you are wrong, you are good or you are bad. it is hopeless, end of the world, never to be fixed or repaired ever, ever again. just forget about it.

funny how things can change in spite of my best efforts, isn't it?

i got an email from HI this morning and at first i was afraid to open it because i expected it to be cold or hurtful, but it wasn't:

I've been meaning to get in touch with you to see how you are. I was never planning on, like, never speaking to you again, you know. I'm not so black and white. I am still a little bewildered and stung from all the goings-on, but I don't think it is something that can't be repaired with a little TLC. I do miss having you around. I have so many things that I'd like to talk to you about. I mean the boss straight out asked me if he was sexist last week and, against my better judgment and at risk of professional suicide, I said "Yes. You are." See? Right after I said that I thought, "[Broken Ladder] would be proud." At which point I realized, with searing intensity, that I need to repair this.

i was filled with all sorts of emotion and wept quietly as i read. i have really missed her as she was my very closest friend, besides J, and i lost them both at the same time so i had no one to turn to for support or advice. and of course i reacted badly and made some bitter and unhealthy choices. not that i don't hold her equally responsible for our falling out and the estrangement that resulted.

it is going to be a long and difficult process of reconciliation and i am fragile and scared, but i am relieved and hopeful too. i am not good at communicating my feelings openly and honestly during conflicts and tend to hold everything in and flee rather than deal with the problem. i don't know if it's because i'm afraid of the rejection or of the person being mad at me or pointing out my shortcomings or all of the above.

i guess i never learned how to properly handle conflicts because as a child, whenever one faced us, my mom would just pack up the car and we would leave. i'm a grown woman though, and i need to learn to deal with conflict. i need to learn to face the issues head on and resolve them instead of just giving up and running away like my mother always did.

so i decided to be brave and face her and try to repair what's been broken. perhaps someday this ladder will mend.

journal entry 194...

we're doing this fitness challenge thing at work. it started last week and it's for a total of eight weeks. these health and nutrition experts are coming to the office every tuesday to talk to us and help us reach our goals. my goal is to lose another 15-20 lbs.

yesterday was our "weigh in" and although mine is high enough to be embarassing, it's confidential so i tried not to let it get to me. besides, i'm working towards my goal so that is something to be proud of. eventually when i reach it, i won't be ashamed of what the scale says because i'll know i'm healthy. (and i'll be able to fit into all of my clothes again.)

i told the nutritionist that i've lost twenty pounds over the past six months and she was impressed. she said that she thinks i can lose the rest in well under six months if i really want to and she gave me some advice on my eating habits. she said to eat right when i get up in the morning so that my metabolism kicks in right away, and she said to add more protein to my snacks to balance the carbs. so now instead of just having an apple i'm going to have an apple and a piece of cheese or some almonds. i'm kind of nervous because i'm introducing more calories into my diet, but we'll see how it goes.

i want to get back down to my "regular" weight by my birthday. that gives me around 8 weeks to get back into my size 10 jeans. as long as it only rains at night and on weekends so i can walk to and from work everyday, i should be in good shape. i'm really going to give it my very best effort. and even if i can only get down to a 12 in that time, it's still a whole dress size and i'll still be able to fit into a lot more of the clothes in my closet.

god. i feel like such a jackass writing about my weight and diet issues. it seems so vain and immature. it has honestly bothered me for awhile though, and it has kept me from "living my life to the fullest". i've felt so unattractive and insecure that it's kept me from socializing or interacting with people. i still tell myself, "only ten more pounds and then you'll be good enough to date." what shitty self-talk i give. no wonder my self-esteem is in the toilet. with J&A fucking me over and then me talking shit to myself, it's no wonder i've been on my deathbed for the past four months!

i am feeling better though. and my self-talk is getting more positive. slowly, but surely. yesterday as i walked home from work i started to feel a bit weepy, but i never fully broke down. i didn't try to fight it though. in fact, i was kind of relieved because it meant my hormones are doing whatever it is they do at this time, and that i'm not in some weird denial that i don't know about. good days and bad days, but above all, MY days.

tonight is the final mentor training and then i should get to meet my kid next week. i'm nervous but happy and excited too. a whole new journey i'm embarking on. and i truly am looking forward to it.

today's horoscope...


'Accipere quam facere praestat injuriam.' Don't worry, I am not intending to write predictions from now on, in some unintelligible language. Although, come to think of it, that's what Nostradamus did - with great success! It's just that, while I was checking up the Latin quote that I gave to you yesterday, I came across this gem. It means, 'It is better to receive an injustice than to do an injustice.' It's better still, of course, just to avoid injustice altogether. You, though, must work hard to be fair today.