Wednesday, February 01, 2006

journal entry 194...

we're doing this fitness challenge thing at work. it started last week and it's for a total of eight weeks. these health and nutrition experts are coming to the office every tuesday to talk to us and help us reach our goals. my goal is to lose another 15-20 lbs.

yesterday was our "weigh in" and although mine is high enough to be embarassing, it's confidential so i tried not to let it get to me. besides, i'm working towards my goal so that is something to be proud of. eventually when i reach it, i won't be ashamed of what the scale says because i'll know i'm healthy. (and i'll be able to fit into all of my clothes again.)

i told the nutritionist that i've lost twenty pounds over the past six months and she was impressed. she said that she thinks i can lose the rest in well under six months if i really want to and she gave me some advice on my eating habits. she said to eat right when i get up in the morning so that my metabolism kicks in right away, and she said to add more protein to my snacks to balance the carbs. so now instead of just having an apple i'm going to have an apple and a piece of cheese or some almonds. i'm kind of nervous because i'm introducing more calories into my diet, but we'll see how it goes.

i want to get back down to my "regular" weight by my birthday. that gives me around 8 weeks to get back into my size 10 jeans. as long as it only rains at night and on weekends so i can walk to and from work everyday, i should be in good shape. i'm really going to give it my very best effort. and even if i can only get down to a 12 in that time, it's still a whole dress size and i'll still be able to fit into a lot more of the clothes in my closet.

god. i feel like such a jackass writing about my weight and diet issues. it seems so vain and immature. it has honestly bothered me for awhile though, and it has kept me from "living my life to the fullest". i've felt so unattractive and insecure that it's kept me from socializing or interacting with people. i still tell myself, "only ten more pounds and then you'll be good enough to date." what shitty self-talk i give. no wonder my self-esteem is in the toilet. with J&A fucking me over and then me talking shit to myself, it's no wonder i've been on my deathbed for the past four months!

i am feeling better though. and my self-talk is getting more positive. slowly, but surely. yesterday as i walked home from work i started to feel a bit weepy, but i never fully broke down. i didn't try to fight it though. in fact, i was kind of relieved because it meant my hormones are doing whatever it is they do at this time, and that i'm not in some weird denial that i don't know about. good days and bad days, but above all, MY days.

tonight is the final mentor training and then i should get to meet my kid next week. i'm nervous but happy and excited too. a whole new journey i'm embarking on. and i truly am looking forward to it.

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