Wednesday, February 01, 2006

journal entry 195...

one thing i've learned is that i have a tendency to over react and burn all my bridges and consider it the end of the world and worry myself with what i'll do now that everything has crumbled around me and i have to start all over again. things are always black and white for me. you are right or you are wrong, you are good or you are bad. it is hopeless, end of the world, never to be fixed or repaired ever, ever again. just forget about it.

funny how things can change in spite of my best efforts, isn't it?

i got an email from HI this morning and at first i was afraid to open it because i expected it to be cold or hurtful, but it wasn't:

I've been meaning to get in touch with you to see how you are. I was never planning on, like, never speaking to you again, you know. I'm not so black and white. I am still a little bewildered and stung from all the goings-on, but I don't think it is something that can't be repaired with a little TLC. I do miss having you around. I have so many things that I'd like to talk to you about. I mean the boss straight out asked me if he was sexist last week and, against my better judgment and at risk of professional suicide, I said "Yes. You are." See? Right after I said that I thought, "[Broken Ladder] would be proud." At which point I realized, with searing intensity, that I need to repair this.

i was filled with all sorts of emotion and wept quietly as i read. i have really missed her as she was my very closest friend, besides J, and i lost them both at the same time so i had no one to turn to for support or advice. and of course i reacted badly and made some bitter and unhealthy choices. not that i don't hold her equally responsible for our falling out and the estrangement that resulted.

it is going to be a long and difficult process of reconciliation and i am fragile and scared, but i am relieved and hopeful too. i am not good at communicating my feelings openly and honestly during conflicts and tend to hold everything in and flee rather than deal with the problem. i don't know if it's because i'm afraid of the rejection or of the person being mad at me or pointing out my shortcomings or all of the above.

i guess i never learned how to properly handle conflicts because as a child, whenever one faced us, my mom would just pack up the car and we would leave. i'm a grown woman though, and i need to learn to deal with conflict. i need to learn to face the issues head on and resolve them instead of just giving up and running away like my mother always did.

so i decided to be brave and face her and try to repair what's been broken. perhaps someday this ladder will mend.

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