Thursday, February 02, 2006

journal entry 196...

last night i dreamt that i was taking a bubble bath in a very large tub. i was supposed to be getting ready for a party but it was a new house and i had just realized how large and deep the tub. it had also already been filled with bath salts and bubbles so i just stripped out of my clothes and got in. then i noticed that TO was already in there taking a bath too. she had been hidden in the bubbles. at first i was uncomfortable but the water was so soothing and warm and the tub was big enough that TO and i weren't touching so i decided to stay in anyway. she had a washcloth over her face and mumbled through it that it was fine with her if i stayed.

it was the most pleasant, comforting bath i can ever remember taking. and i just soaked and relaxed in it until my alarm clock woke me up. that's how relaxed i was: my ALARM CLOCK woke ME up. i always wake up first, but not this time! if only i had a tub like that in real life.

i am hopeful about HI and i being able to repair our lost friendship. i am scared too, though. it's going to bring up a lot of painful memories and hurt feelings and it's going to be difficult to go through them all over again. and i'm still quite fragile and emotional and tend to get choked up over any little thing so who knows what kind of mess i'll be when we're confronting everything. and i feel so vulnerable and pathetic when i cry in front of other people. like some blubbering fool who can't hold her shit together.

and there are other things that are going to make this a complicated relationship. there are other people in her circle that i used to be friends with but no longer am nor do i want to be. there are some people from that group that i haven't missed at all, and in fact have felt better without them. but once HI and i start mending our fences and trying to put our relationship back together, those people are going to be part of my life again and i don't want that. i'm not sure how to let her back in and still be able to keep the others out.

ugh. why does everything have to be so complicated? or why do i have to complicate everything?

we're not going to get together for another week of two so i have time to gather my thoughts and sort some things out in my head first. i want to be ready, prepared. if we are going to recover our friendship, it is going to have to be different than it was. i have to be more open and honest in my communication and more receptive as well. i need to say when i'm feeling hurt or used or disappointed. i'm not always going to hear what i want, but doesn't mean i should toss the whole thing and run away. relationships aren't easy, even friendships. they are hard work but they are rewarding too. it's a matter of balance. letting go of the ones that are more work than reward and cultivating the ones that are more reward than work. or the ones where the reward is worth all the work no matter how difficult.

and the fact that she reached out to me goes a long way towards starting off on the right foot. to know that she has missed me and thought of me and that she hasn't been able to replace me. that none of the others have been able to mask my absence. she misses me and she wants me in her life too. and all this time i was thinking she couldn't care less. that she had all the others so she had no need for me and that i had no one. i'm starting to have more "someones" than i ever expected. my circle is growing again, but this time i'm going to make the right choices, to only let the right people back in, the ones who truly care for me.

yes, i will figure this out and this will make me a stronger, better person. perhaps the fact that i am so much more tender and vulnerable than i was will also help with the mending. i've always been the strong one, the one who knows the answers and tells everyone how to fix everything and just push through it. maybe this new, fragile side of me will show her that i too am human and that i don't have all the answers no matter what i might pretend. and maybe this fragile side of me will see that she is human too and vulnerable and we'll both be gentle with one another and we'll hold each other's hearts carefully as we navigate through the wreckage and try to rebuild.

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